75. You Should Never Joke About Security – by Monty

I was out on patrol with my unit last night, when we happened upon what we initially thought was a barbecue. There was a bright light on in a back garden, smoke rising and a voice speaking. We were told in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA. YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA.

The Fairy was quite confused, but I was able to explain the whole scene to her due to my superior knowledge of security issues. The owner of the property had obviously obtained a rather advanced security system. I believe it was being tested as we passed by, or had at least been triggered accidentally by some sort of intruder/animal. The light was extremely bright, highlighting the smoke coming from the kitchen fan. Everybody was relieved to hear my explanation, as they were beginning to show signs of panic. The Fairy continued to laugh hysterically until we got home.

This incident made me think about the security at my own property, so this morning I contacted Dave at the Station to discuss it with him. He was more than willing to come round for a meeting, especially when he was promised a slice of cake and a cup of tea. He said that he wished everybody took home security as seriously as me, and that he would consider my kind offer to provide an information and training session for the public.


Suspect number 1

We discussed the feasibility of installing floodlights and a camera, though he was less enthusiastic about the electric fence and man-trap ideas that I put forward. At this point The Fairy joined us, disclosing that somewhere in the house was a trail camera. These are activated by movement and are usually used to capture videos of nocturnal wildlife. The Fairy said she had used it in the past and had caught mice, cats, hedgehogs and a weasel on it. This has really sparked my interest and I have insisted that she find it so that I can set it up in the garden, my main target being the hedgehogs.

Dave then stated that the chances of a hedgehog breaking into the house were quite remote, and that he had not seen any this year anyway, even when on night duty. This led to quite a heated discussion about the potential damage a hedgehog could cause. Dave disputed my assertion that hedgehogs were responsible for more damage to mud heads than all other species of animals put together. So I threw him out. I made it very clear that I expected a more co-operative attitude from him when we embark on our first F.A.R.T. patrol.

He left in a bit of a mood, but not – I hasten to add – until he had collected another slice of cake from The Fairy.


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