Monthly Archives: May 2016

A few days ago I woke up to find a large spider in my water dish. I was angry about this situation for two reasons. One was that I hadn’t given it permission to use my dish as a swimming pool, and the other was the fact that its attempt at the breastroke was a disgrace. I say, learn the correct swimming techniques with an accredited instructor, or don’t do it at all.

I reported this intruder straight away to The Fairy, who was more concerned with the wellbeing of said spider than with its substandard water skills. I suggested ringing the Coastguard who I know have a rescue helicopter at their disposal, but she said this wasn’t necessary. Instead, she took my dish out to the garden and poured out the water, thus halting the drowning process. Not content with nearly losing its life in the dish, the spider then ran straight at Chicken who stood on it. By some miracle it survived and scurried off into the grass.

On the security front, we had a strange encounter with a cat which appeared to have no tail. It said that Ugly Cat had been in a bad mood for weeks, and that it was our fault. Apparently, Chicken’s failure to thank him for his gifts has left him feeling insulted, and he is taking it out on all the other cats on the estate. No Tail said we should make peace with Ugly Cat unless we wanted to make enemies of all the others. I told No Tail that we were not in any way afraid of the local cat population, but that we would apologise to Ugly Cat in the interest of friendship.

Chicken said she didn’t want to apologise to Ugly Cat for not thanking him for his gift, because he was trying to steal her toys and also, the gift was a rotten fish head which she didn’t like. I told her she had to be more grown up about the situation, and she ran off shouting bum, bum, bum.

Monty

Not an easy question to answer. Her behaviour on a normal day tires me out, but today she really has left me rather confused as well. Our day started well, with a game in the back garden followed by breakfast. When it was time to go out, she let me go first without the usual pushing and shoving, and in the car layed right next to me.

Half way around the lake, we happened upon the starting point of a sponsored run. The organisers had marked the start line with yellow balloons and an overhead banner. The number of injuries caused every year by balloons and overhead banners is astronomical, so I always advise caution. I’m not afraid of such things myself of course, but I had grave concerns for The Fairy and Chicken. For their sake, I put my head down and dragged my unit as quickly as possible passed the offending articles. As soon as we were out of danger, Chicken kissed me in order, she said, to make me feel better. I thanked her for her kindness but told her it wasn’t necessary.

As we got back into the car, I banged my foot and couldn’t help but cry out in pain. Repeatedly. I couldn’t put my foot down. I suspect the car was parked badly in a pothole, or more likely, was momentarily shifted off balance by an earthquake, as I do not normally misjudge jumps in this way. Chicken immediately came to comfort me by licking my ear. Back at home, we played with our toys and she didn’t shout at me once! What was going on?

I took advantage of her co-operative mood, and called a meeting to discuss the problem of Ugly Cat and his spying. I was able to speak about the situation for an extended period of time, with Chicken paying close attention to everything I said. She never took her eyes off me. I was very impressed with her, particularly when she demonstrated her understanding of the situation by stopping me to ask if we were enraged. I replied in the affirmative that we definitely were enraged, and that I was glad that we were of the same mind. I went on to say that we would remain enraged for a short time only, as I had already made plans which I intended to put into action very soon.

Apparently, this signalled the end of the meeting, as Chicken suddenly jumped up and ran off screaming and giggling into the garden. She was hysterical for some reason that I couldn’t understand. If I’d been able to catch her, I would have asked her what the cause was, but I doubt it is anything important.

Monty