Monthly Archives: May 2016

96. Wildlife Roundup – by Monty

Yesterday I was head-butted by a cat. It was a grey tabby, who I had met once before last August. The first time I saw it, it ran across the road to me and sprawled on the pavement on its back. The Fairy said it was being friendly and probably lives with a dog. Last night, it was sitting in the middle of the pavement and we all assumed that it would move when we came closer. It didn’t. It waited until we were very close, and then ran at me.

I was taken off guard, and it was out of range within a split second. Chicken launched herself at it, but couldn’t get to it because I was in the way. We were both on high alert for the rest of the walk, and did actually see a further four cats. There really are too many cats on my estate if you ask me. Ugly Cat has not been seen for days. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad sign.


Do we look spoilt to you?

We have taken to walking a lot up the hill, through the woods. At the top of the hill there is a lovely view, and a wide open expanse of heathland. All the way up and down the hill, are baby rabbits. At the moment there appear to be hundreds, but I doubt there will be more than one or two left in a couple of weeks. A few hopped off when they heard us coming, but most of them just sat there, even the ones on the path. Chicken said they were ‘thicky thick thick,’ but I am more inclined to believe that they are just lazy, and have only read the first section of The Freeze, Flight or Fight Manual. This illustrates very clearly, the importance of children completing all their homework. If they only do a little bit of it, there is every possibility that they will get eaten by a crow.

The Fairy has bought us a sheep each. I have never met one which is alive, but if the dead ones are anything to go by, I think I may have found a species of wildlife that I actually like.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

95. Dreamboat Monty – by Chicken

Bossy Boots Monty did all think he could tells me what to do so I did say no chance Bossy Monty, you is not the bossy boss of me! I did decides to get my own back.

Then we did go to Grandad and Grandma’s and Monty did go to sleep on the big greyhound bed. Then he did start to dream and I did say to Big Rabbit that he does dream like a girl and then she did laugh and I did laugh because Monty does dream like a girly girl. BOOM! BOOM!

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94. Air Sea Rescue – by Monty

A few days ago I woke up to find a large spider in my water dish. I was angry about this situation for two reasons. One was that I hadn’t given it permission to use my dish as a swimming pool, and the other was the fact that its attempt at the breastroke was a disgrace. I say, learn the correct swimming techniques with an accredited instructor, or don’t do it at all.

I reported this intruder straight away to The Fairy, who was more concerned with the wellbeing of said spider than with its substandard water skills. I suggested ringing the Coastguard who I know have a rescue helicopter at their disposal, but she said this wasn’t necessary. Instead, she took my dish out to the garden and poured out the water, thus halting the drowning process. Not content with nearly losing its life in the dish, the spider then ran straight at Chicken who stood on it. By some miracle it survived and scurried off into the grass.

On the security front, we had a strange encounter with a cat which appeared to have no tail. It said that Ugly Cat had been in a bad mood for weeks, and that it was our fault. Apparently, Chicken’s failure to thank him for his gifts has left him feeling insulted, and he is taking it out on all the other cats on the estate. No Tail said we should make peace with Ugly Cat unless we wanted to make enemies of all the others. I told No Tail that we were not in any way afraid of the local cat population, but that we would apologise to Ugly Cat in the interest of friendship.

Chicken said she didn’t want to apologise to Ugly Cat for not thanking him for his gift, because he was trying to steal her toys and also, the gift was a rotten fish head which she didn’t like. I told her she had to be more grown up about the situation, and she ran off shouting bum, bum, bum.


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93. Sporting Injury – by Monty

I have had a rather unfortunate week. I caught my nail whilst out galloping with Chicken in the garden and it bled all over the living room floor. Then I slipped over and scraped my ankle on the pavers during a training session, and took the skin off it. This kept bleeding on and off for a few days so I had to have it bandaged up by Grandma. I have also had some mild stomach problems, but I don’t like to complain.


Injury No.2

The thing about being ill or injured in my unit, is that you get very well taken care of. Too well, perhaps? I have been cuddled and kissed and fussed over by both of them. In fact, I haven’t had a minute’s peace and if I have to answer the, “Are you alright?” question one more time I think I will explode. They have changed my name to Poorly Monty. How dare they? On top of this, I’m being served dog food! This will continue until my stomach is better apparently. Dog food! Really?

I have received an official complaint about Chicken, from Ugly Cat. He started the conversation by offering his congratulations. I’m not sure which of my accomplishments he was referring to but I accepted anyway. He then said that Chicken had been rude to him, by not thanking him for the gifts which he had left. It turns out that the rotten fish head was his idea of a great present. I have no idea why he would want to give a present to a dog that is always trying to eat him, but each to his own.

I tried to speak to Chicken about it, but for the last few days she has been more distracted than usual. It was impossible to get her attention as she’s constantly singing something to herself and muttering about Arky-Ollie-Just coming home. Also, I don’t want to go too close in case she calls me Poorly Monty again and tries to look after me.


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92. The 2017 Winner Song – by Chicken


Monty needs a wee

He cannot find a tree

The toilet door is shut

So he’ll wee on his own foot



Smelly Monty Wee Foot

I is thinking of making a video.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

91. Your Rope He’s On Songing Competition – by Chicken

Last night in the very late at the night time, we did stay up late to watcher the Your Rope He’s On Songing Competition. The Fairy did falls asleep for a bits and then did wakes up again for the results of the big votering. I did gets some gooder ideas for my wedding dress, and Monty did watcher it because it is ‘culturally important.’

Halfs way through, big Monty did nearly have a heart attack because he all did realise that ifs we leave Your Rope, we all will not be allowed to do the songing competition again. He did say this was ‘incomprehensible’ and then I did say stop using big words. Bum.


Thinking about his song

I did tells him that it would be OK because Australia was allowed to be in it and they was all far far away so Britain could be in it forever because we is close. Monty did say that Australia had a special inviteration and Britain might not be allowed in ifs we purposely choose to leaves. He did say that the big econ mists tell people that money holds Your Rope together, but really it is the Your Rope He’s On Songing Competition. He did say that if the songing competition breaks down, all the Your Rope’s countries will drift off in different directions and would end ups in the sea somewhere far aways.


Thinking about my cakes

Monty did say he was all going to write to Graham Norton because he is in charge of the competition, and tell him to keep Britain in it before something bad happens. He then had the bestest, brilliant, goodest idea and did say he was all going to write a song and be in the competition next year. He did say that Arky-Ollie-Just would play the guitar and that Bob, Dave and me could be the baking singers. I did think this was a good idea and did say I would bake some cakes to take with us.

I did say he could write a song about doing the wees but Monty did say he was writing it about ‘the need for co-operation and tolerance in the field of political and financial associations with a view to advancing unity and stability within an ever-changing world.’ 

I is going to writes my own wee song in case his is rubbish.

Chicken xxx

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90. Monty’s Legs – by Chicken

Today all day it is Friday the 13th. Monty did say it was all just a normal day and that he would all looks after me anyways, but I did say it was unlucky. Monty did say we was all the luckiest people in the world in our unit and so I dids feel betterer. The Fairy did try to go backs to sleep on the settee but Monty stabbed her in the eyeball with his nails and this did help to get her ups.

Today we is going to Sister’s house to get extra cheese snacks and see Talking Cats. Talking Cats lives on the windowsill and does say ‘hello‘ and other things but I did say that I is amazed that he can gets a word in edgeways with The Fairy and Sister doing the chattering all the time. Monty did say I was all not allowed to be rude and I did say get lost. I is going to ask Talking Cats why cats behave funny, and I is going to tell him about being enraged.

The Fairy has all decidered to fill in the gooder trenches that I have made and it is all Monty’s fault. He was all just standing still in the very early today watchering the pigeons on the big roof, and then he did suddenly just fall in a trench for no reason. Monty did say there all had been another earthquake but I did say that nobody else feels Monty’s earthquakes and I did thinks he just can’t control his own legs. He did say that his legs were all ‘a natural result of 8000 years of royal lineage and perfectly formed’ and I did say maybe so but they is in the way.

I did tell him that he would have to organise his legs betterer when we both do sleep in the same bed and he did runned away looking scared. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx




Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

89. It’s My Bed And I’ll Sleep How I Want To – by Monty

As any respectable greyhound will tell you, The Bed is unsurpassed by anything when ranked in order of importance. It can, for some, become the centre of the universe. I have my security work and garden refurbishment to concentrate on, but above these, my bed receives my full attention. I am proficient at arranging it to my liking, and do not take kindly to any interference in this process. As you can see from the picture below, I have everything important within easy reach, including Alive Orange Blob who needs extra protection from Chicken when I am sleeping. It took me 15 minutes to arrange my bed in this manner.


The perfect bed

So imagine my indignation when Chicken announced that I wasn’t allowed to have such a ‘messy’ bed, now that we were enraged. I told her in no uncertain terms that it’s my bed and I’ll arrange it how I like, and emotion has nothing to do with it. I said that there would be no further discussion about the matter, establishing this fact by going out into the garden.

This is what I ended up sleeping on when I returned from outside:



Ridiculously tidy. Totally unnecessary.

I think I will have to re-establish my position in this household.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

88. Holibobs- by Chicken


Getting extra goodies from Grandma 

We has all been on holibobs for some days to Grandma and Grandad’s house. I all did have to go to tells Big Rabbit that me and Monty is all enraged. Me and Big Rabbit did all talk about what we is going to wear and Big Rabbit did say that she needed a new hat. I is all so excited because now I is Monty’s fancy. We did get loads of extra sausages and cakes and cuddles at Grandma and Grandad’s house and did go out together with Big Rabbit.

We dids get home yesterday in the afternoon and all inspectored the house and garden to make sure everything is all safe. Monty did think that dangerous hedgehogs had been in the garden so checked all inches of it. When we did go for a walks it was all rainy wet so we did put our big coats on and big Monty did complain all the way. I did see Ugly Cats following us again so I was all mad.


Sleeping on Grandad’s greyhound bed

This morning in the very early, I did go out but Monty did not go out because it was all still raining. Ugly Cats was sitting all ugly on the shed next door, so I did go to shout at him. He did say that I still hadn’t said thank you and I did say I had nothing to say thank you for and he did say he was hurt. Then he did say he had missed us and I did say that we had been to see Big Rabbit and talk about the enragement but that Ugly Cats wasn’t allowed to know because he wasn’t coming to the wedding and he did say he was even more hurt and I did say good. Ugly Cats did all look sad and did walk away sadly and then I did see my biggest trench so did go to do digging in it.

The Fairy did say that I all wasn’t allowed to bring the muddy mud into the house and did try to pull my feets off with a towel. Then Monty hero did save me by takings the big towel off The Fairy and running around with it. The Fairy did say she was all wanting to go backs to bed.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

87. What’s Wrong With Chicken? – by Monty

Not an easy question to answer. Her behaviour on a normal day tires me out, but today she really has left me rather confused as well. Our day started well, with a game in the back garden followed by breakfast. When it was time to go out, she let me go first without the usual pushing and shoving, and in the car layed right next to me.

Half way around the lake, we happened upon the starting point of a sponsored run. The organisers had marked the start line with yellow balloons and an overhead banner. The number of injuries caused every year by balloons and overhead banners is astronomical, so I always advise caution. I’m not afraid of such things myself of course, but I had grave concerns for The Fairy and Chicken. For their sake, I put my head down and dragged my unit as quickly as possible passed the offending articles. As soon as we were out of danger, Chicken kissed me in order, she said, to make me feel better. I thanked her for her kindness but told her it wasn’t necessary.

As we got back into the car, I banged my foot and couldn’t help but cry out in pain. Repeatedly. I couldn’t put my foot down. I suspect the car was parked badly in a pothole, or more likely, was momentarily shifted off balance by an earthquake, as I do not normally misjudge jumps in this way. Chicken immediately came to comfort me by licking my ear. Back at home, we played with our toys and she didn’t shout at me once! What was going on?

I took advantage of her co-operative mood, and called a meeting to discuss the problem of Ugly Cat and his spying. I was able to speak about the situation for an extended period of time, with Chicken paying close attention to everything I said. She never took her eyes off me. I was very impressed with her, particularly when she demonstrated her understanding of the situation by stopping me to ask if we were enraged. I replied in the affirmative that we definitely were enraged, and that I was glad that we were of the same mind. I went on to say that we would remain enraged for a short time only, as I had already made plans which I intended to put into action very soon.

Apparently, this signalled the end of the meeting, as Chicken suddenly jumped up and ran off screaming and giggling into the garden. She was hysterical for some reason that I couldn’t understand. If I’d been able to catch her, I would have asked her what the cause was, but I doubt it is anything important.


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