Monthly Archives: February 2016

48. They Won’t Keep A Good Dog Down – by Monty


I was devastated for a while

Devastated. Bob from the Council turned up unannounced on Friday. And shattered my dreams. Heartless. Absolutely heartless.

Due to the unannounced nature of his visit, The Fairy wouldn’t let him come through the house as she had not undertaken the necessary emergency cleaning which usually precedes visits from outsiders. So he had to come through the gate. By which I mean climb over it, because the bolts refuse to draw back.

Upon entering the garden, he cast a cursory glance at the ruined lawn and went straight over to the trench site. I knew all was not well when he shook his head and made that hissing noise through his teeth. Then he delivered the blow that saw me drop to my knees in agony:

“It’s too close to the boundary. If you keep digging here it will undermine the posts and the fence will fall down. I can already see into the garden next door. You’ll have to fill it in and resubmit your application showing the trench at least three foot from the fence.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him that my engineering expertise was second to none and I would never make the mistake of compromising the stability of the perimeter fence, but he said rules have to be adhered to. This I accept, but his unwillingness to trust my professional expertise, I do not. Which I made very clear in the manner in which I asked him to leave. It took him less time to climb out of the garden than it had taken him to climb in. Quite a feat in fact, considering his age.

The Fairy tried to comfort me and Chicken did her best to cheer me up but nothing could console me. I retired sobbing to my bed, all my dreams in tatters. Until, that is, my survival instincts kicked in and I remembered who I am. MONTY THE GREAT.  I’m Monty. And I’m great. No ‘Bob from the Council with his Health and Safety regulations’ is going to stop me building a trench. I will simply employ the services of a fellow expert and start again. A new day is dawning.

All I need now is Arky-Ollie-Just.

Monty The Great

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47. The Early Worm Catches The Cat – by Monty

I have only been up an hour and there have been three unauthorised invasions already. Three separate bits of wildlife have attempted to gain entry, but have been thwarted by my razor sharp reflexes. Two birds – one black, one brown – and a cat. Chicken insist it was Ugly Cat, and I’m inclined to agree as I only saw its back end, and it wasn’t pretty.

The birds I can understand, because The Fairy had once again put food out on my grass/mud. She really should stop doing this. The cat was walking along the back fence and we couldn’t get out into the garden until it had disappeared, because The Fairy is so slow. I swear she does it on purpose.


Following government advice

We ran together to the fence in a show of strength to ensure Ugly Cat didn’t come back. I then proceeded to rid the garden of food sources to deter the birds, as recommended by the government. This is all I can do at the moment, but I intend to stay alert lest there be a further assault.

Monty The Great



Message from Chicken: Birdies and Ugly Cats has no chance.


Alert Monty

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46. Ugly Cats Is Back – by Chicken

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!


Pretty Chicken BOOM! BOOM!

Ugly Cats is after me agains! The other day at the night he was all sitting on my fence so I did all run to get him offs. He looked at me all nasty and did then run aways. Monty did not all help because he could not see Ugly Cats again. He does not believe me when I tells him that the cats are getting me, and is more interested in all chasing the birdies.

When we went for a walks today we did see three cats. One of them has been following me for days but Monty says they is just out walkings. I knows they is watching where we all go for our walks so they can steal my toys when I is not in my house. This is all not allowed.


Monty checking for old stitches 

Monty was all up early in the morning today and did go into the ice garden to check for birdies and poison. He is all thicky and doesn’t know he got exploded by eating the full cake all by himself alone. He all kept saying he had to keep the old stitches out the garden so I do think he is all still poorly.


Or extra thicky today.


Grandma and Grandad has all got a new pet instead of Big Rabbit. The new one sounds like Big Rabbit, acts like Big Rabbit and smellses like Big Rabbit, but it has no fur. Monty did say that it was the same Big Rabbit and she has been to the big hairdresser, but I did say if she’s just had her hair cut off, where is it? When my hair all comes off I keeps it all over my house.


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45. Bad Moon Rising – by Monty

I think the full moon is having an effect on Chicken. Last night, for no reason that I could see, she bolted down the garden and threw herself onto the back fence. She then did it again a second time. I was very tempted to go and see what she was doing, but have learnt that there is nothing to gain by trying to understand her behaviour.


Monty thinking

Yet I fear Chicken is not the only one behaving strangely at the moment. Yesterday morning I awoke early and went out into the garden. Imagine my horror when I found myself looking with disbelief at a seagull. I lie, not. A seagull! In my garden. The nerve of the thing. It took off straight away when it saw me but I cannot believe it had the audacity to land in my garden in the first place. First a garden bird, then pigeons, and now a seagull. What is going on? I’m half expecting there to be an ostrich tomorrow.

We went for a walk last night and a cat jumped out from under a bush, right in front of us. We obviously tried to grab it but as we were out with The Fairy we had attached leads to her to keep her safe, and so couldn’t run as fast as we wanted to. We dragged her along as fast as we could but lost sight of our quarry on a bend. It was only when we were close to home that The Fairy told us to look back. The cat was following us!

I say again: What is going on?

My military training is telling me that some kind of conspiracy is unfolding within my own territory. Let us not forget that I was somehow poisoned a few days ago. There is no telling what will happen next, so I must protect my unit. I hope those responsible for the illegal fracking haven’t found out that I am on to them.

I never expected retirement to be such hard work.


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44. Under attack – by Monty

I believe I have been poisoned. It is my own fault; I have taken my eye off the ball where the birds are concerned and it has come back to bite me on the bum, so to speak. I knew I should have taken more direct action when I had the chance.

Two pigeons were walking around my garden a few days ago, in blatant violation of my direct orders. Instead of taking direct action myself however, I decided to let Chicken deal with them. She obviously failed in her mission as I believe they were able to plant something in my garden which made me incredibly sick. Chicken has told me that it was my own fault and I’m finding it difficult to disagree. I must be more vigilant from now on.

My plan for revenge had to be put on hold yesterday due to a large number of admirers who turned up. They had obviously come to see me, though Chicken found this hard to believe. She also wanted admiring and the visitors were kind enough to humour her. They liked me best, and were particularly impressed when I tried to protect the children’s health by taking the chocolate biscuits off them. I think they really appreciated my thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow is Sunday so I intend to get up before dawn to lie in wait for the birds. I am anxious to rid my garden of them completely before Bob from the Council turns up to inspect it.  I do not want him thinking that the place is a wildlife reserve, as this may harm my chances of getting planning permission for my trench.


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43. Exploding Monty – by Chicken

All a few days ago Monty was special naughty and did steal a full cake from the food kitchen. He did eat the whole thing and didn’t share any with me at all. I did all say this was mean.

And then Monty did get exploded dire rear and did all sound like a horse in the garden. I did not sit near him because he was all smelly poo and I did say he all deserved it for being greedy greedy.

Then I did laughs at him.


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42. Jealous Monty – by Chicken

I was all upset yesterday because I did go on the iPaddy internet and did see that Clipperty Klopp had been in the horsepital. He has all had a pen decided, so is very poorly and I is all going to send him a selfie of me myself to make him feel better. The Fairy did say not to worry because he is all big and strong and did get out the horse pit quickly and is back workering already.


Clipperty Klopp is betterer now

Monty did get all uppity then and did say that he was all big and strong as well, because he had had a bad footy injury and still did go out for a walks which was very difficult but he did it anyway because he is brave. He also did say that if his pen was broken he would all just get another one because he is cleverer. He also did say that Clipperty Klopp had not been workering and had really just been out all shopping. I did say to stop being jealous and I did love him too, and he did say he wasn’t jealous of someone who only had two legs and no a pen decided, so I did say get lost.

We went for a walks in the sunny shine this morning and Monty did all protect me when the big dogs came so I love him all more than usual now. Then we did meet a dog which could smile and talk! On the way back we did all see some people who looked like people but we’re very tiny small. They did stroke Monty and then I did push in and they did stroke me more. So I win. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

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41. A Good Start To The Day – by Monty

I have worked out what pleases The Fairy most by watching her interaction with Chicken. Chicken makes loads of mess with her blood all over the walls; The Fairy spends four hours cleaning it up; Chicken gets extra hugs and kisses by way of thanks. Obviously, The Fairy was thanking her for providing the extra housework. Now that I have worked this out with my superior intellect, I intend to act upon it.

Today I got up at half past five and indicated that I wished to go out into the garden. But because it was raining, I decided against relieving myself outside. There really isn’t any point taking risks when it is not necessary. Also, I scored my first points of the day by giving her the satisfaction of cleaning it up. I’m not quite sure how the payment system works yet, as I didn’t get my extra cuddle straight away.

After breakfast, I rang Bob at the Council and told him we needed to have an urgent meeting about the planning permission for my trench. I think that like Simon at the DECC, he has also been on holiday because he said at least he’d had a break for a couple of weeks. He went on to say that my application was in the system and all I could do was wait, and that there really wasn’t any point in me ringing him, as there was nothing he could do to speed up the process.

I told him that in order for Simon at the DECC to investigate the illegal fracking, I needed an incident number from PC Dave at the station, and I couldn’t get that until I had planning permission in place for the trench.

Bob was astonished that I had managed to speak to Simon at the DECC and stunned into silence when I informed him that I had used Simon’s private mobile. He became quite anxious about this and asked if his name had been mentioned during the conversation. I had to admit that I had neglected to tell Simon at the DECC that Bob at the Council had recommend I ring him. I apologised and told Bob that I would ring Simon back and let him know.


Chicken’s bandaged tail

For some reason, (I suspect modesty) Bob begged me never to implicate him and said that if I keep his contribution secret, he would do everything in his power to speed up the planning application. He also said that as the trench was still in fact just a hole, the police wouldn’t really be interested in the paperwork anyway, and I should go ahead and call them back.

I told him that I didn’t want PC Dave turning up at my house until The Fairy had cleaned all the blood off the walls. He said he would ring me back.

I am very pleased at how the day has started.


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40. Is One Dog With Separation Anxiety Really That Bad? – by The Fairy

I think I have managed to cure Chicken of her separation anxiety by giving her a taste of her own medicine. Since she damaged the end of her tail I have been giving her extra cuddles and attention. She loved this to start with, but couldn’t quite understand why I was constantly following her about. Because I didn’t want her to keep hurting herself, and because I’m fed up of washing blood off the walls, I kept trying to hold her tail when she wagged it. (This doesn’t work, by the way. It just makes the bit available for wagging shorter and thus faster.)

After a full day of constant attention, she got up and went to lay on the floor. All by herself. I think I have smothered her separation anxiety out of her. When I went to the toilet I went on my own. When I went in the kitchen I went on my own. When I came down from upstairs, she wasn’t waiting at the foot of them. Obviously I was concerned, so went over to her to see if she was OK. She just sighed, got up and walked over to her bed away from me. I am so anxious about her not being anxious about being separated from me, that I keep going back to her for attention.

My extra attention to Chicken has also had an interesting affect on Monty. He’s now playing all the time with things he knows he shouldn’t be – like my handbag, TV remote and phone – and is attention seeking all the time. He’s being really affectionate as well, and keeps coming for cuddles. He lost control completely when I came in from shopping, and shredded my extra strong, long-handled shopping bag which I had been forced to buy since the 5p fine for carrier bags was introduced.

So to sum up:

  • Chicken’s separation anxiety has been transferred to me.
  • Monty is now attention seeking for the first time.
  • The house is still covered in blood.
  • I have no shopping bag.

I have a niggling feeling that this is a step backwards.

The Fairy

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39. Not Poorly Monty – by Chicken

Monty Bum Bum is all jealous of the extra good attention I is getting from The Fairy because I is hurt, so he has all made up his own injury and did start to hop about today. He did say that his foot was hurty but I thinks he is just trying it on.

The Fairy did think he was hurty though, so she did all take care of his foot and did rub it for him and check it for stuck things. He has not got any blood anywhere on him so I win because I has got blood everywhere.


No tin opener!

Today The Fairy did go out hunting and came back to my house with all food in the bags. Monty is gooder at getting the food from the bags than I is, so he did all attack the bags. We did run into the big room with a bread loaf and The Fairy did all run after us and I did notice that Monty porky pie did have nothing wrong with his foot then. When The Fairy did go back into the food kitchen Monty did steal another food bit from the bag and took it to his big bed. Then he did all sulk like a baby because he all could not eat the food without a tin opener. I did laugh and say he did make a mistakes with choosing the wrong food which he couldn’t eat, and he did say he did not makes a mistakes and was all just saving it for later. Monty Bum Bum pants on fire!


Chicken xxx

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