St Peter said I could all have whatever I wanted so I got a bikini and then he ran away straightaway. Then I did see my Monty waiting for me!
I did do running up to him and he did do running up to me and I did give him big snogs. We did do bouncing about and I knocked Monty on the floor and he was on his back on the floor and he was all wiggling and trying to get up so I helped him by kicking him and then he could get up. I am helpful.
I am sad that The Fairy is not with me but Monty donty did say that we could watch over her so that is better. Monty was looking all extra handsome and he is young and strong and he has no grey bits and his bottom is still big and his head is still big. He is my Monty.
Monty did take me to do super fast running and then we did have the best sleep ever in the comfiest bed ever. We is back together!
I have to say that everything here is going well. I am still excited about my reunion with Chicken. I have taken her to some excellent places and we have spent many hours racing at full speed. Chicken is over the moon at being pain free and strong again and she hasn’t stopped smiling for a second.
It is also worth noting that Chicken is being very kind and loving towards me. Last night we slept next to each other and it was the best feeling.
I may be wrong, but I believe she has a new found respect for me which will no doubt last forever.
You will never believe who turned up at the gates. My Little Chicken!
I had a feeling she was coming. I was inexplicably drawn to the gates several times, but it was not until the final time that I knew exactly why. Chicken exploded through the gates and straight into me, wearing – and this is a true story people – a pink bikini. Good grief!
It was the most wonderful feeling to be reunited and I had to endure quite a number of kisses before she was finally calm enough to speak to me. I use the word calm in its broadest context, you understand. Perhaps the phrase as calm as she could ever be expected to be is more appropriate.
She is back to full health and strength. I know this because she barrelled into me several times, causing me to temporarily lose my balance. I pretended to fall over as I did not wish to quell her enthusiasm. She knew I was humouring her but was sweet enough not to mention it.
Over the next few days, I intend to show her the ropes, so to speak. As you know, I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but it has to be said that I am an authority on Heaven and feel it is my duty to teach my protégée everything I know. She will no doubt be very grateful and I am expecting her to defer to my experience.
It is so wonderful to have my Chicken with me again and I know that she feels the same about being with me. We will have the most exciting time together from now on. Everything is going to be just perfect.
I is not Little Chicken anymore. I is now DinoChicken the hero rescuer of everything.
The Fairy did get me a special dinosaur costume because I is special and when I does put on my dino costume I does become DinoChicken doing the rescuing.
Last week I did do rescuing of the roast chicken. I did go into the food kitchen and did see the roast chicken on the plate and it was nearly going to could have fallen off the plate onto the floor and then it would hurt itself on the floor because the floor was hard. I did quickly as possible put my dino costume on and did become DinoChicken! Then I did rush back into the food kitchen and did suddenly all of a sudden rescue the roast chicken with my mouth and I ate it. Then the roast chicken was all safe from falling on the floor and getting hurt and I was a hero.
The Fairy was super impressed and then she did have vegbles and potatoes and gravy for tea and she didn’t have any roast chicken because I had already rescued it. So I win.
I am very much of the opinion that my absence is having a physical affect on Chicken. I have been extremely busy up here in Heaven but I still like to keep an eye on her. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but something about her appearance is changing.
Without wishing to be rude, I think she has really let herself go.
I appear to have died and gone to Heaven. OUTRAGEOUS! I am outraged. Outraged, I tell you. In addition,I have been placed in a box! HOW DARE YOU!
Granted, there was talk of organ failure and a trip to the vet which necessitated an overnight stay in the hospital, but at no point was my transfer to Heaven discussed with me. There was no public consultation period which I am absolutely sure is a legal requirement. Due process was obviously not followed. There needs to be a Public Enquiry. I have ordered a full report.
As you well know, I am not one to complain, but suffice it to say, St Peter was left in no doubt about my feelings. Interestingly enough, I am in fact very happy to be here. I am in excellent condition and completely pain free. Everything I want, I have.
I love my big bum Monty donty ponty poo head but he has all left me by my alone self. He did get sick all of a suddenly last year and did go to the big horsepit but then he didn’t all come home. I waited by standing looking at the door for weeks and ages and ages but Monty didn’t come through the door ever again.
My tail could not do wagging anymore and one day I did see Monty again and my tail did wagging but it was a black Labra doorstep and he was not Monty so he was stupid. I has friends when I go walking on Rabbit Hill and they is all friendly to me but they is not Monty so they is all stupid as well.
I am sad.
The Fairy is sad.
Everybody is sad.
My big bum Monty donty ponty poo head has left me by my alone self and I am sad.
She has had some sort of verbal altercation with Ugly Cat which has left her quite distressed. By which I mean angry.
Best to let her calm down
I do not mind cats myself and have found Ugly Cat to be generally agreeable and, on occasion, helpful with regards my security work. He doesn’t often come into my garden, preferring to sit on the shed roof next door.
For some reason however, he has decided to associate himself with Ugly Kitten who is still rather small, despite being over a year old. Ugly Kitten does come into my garden – sometimes during daylight hours. Ugly Kitten has not yet acquired any dignity, nor self-control. I do not know what it is that makes him bounce off the fences and ricochet off various obstacles in my garden, but it is a sure way of getting oneself eaten.
To all cats everywhere, and to Ugly Kitten in particular, I offer this advice:
My lovely Monty was being all nice to me and then he did stealing and he did steal my chicken!
I was sad.
Then The Fairy did say that my special incompetence medicine was in the bits of chicken that fat Monty stole and it was important.
I did go to Monty and did say he had all eaten my special incompetence medicine and I did want it back. The Fairy told him that it had special lady hormones in it but Monty did say he was fine and it had all not affected him.