258. Monty Stole My Chicken – by Chicken

My lovely Monty was being all nice to me and then he did stealing and he did steal my chicken!

I was sad.

Then The Fairy did say that my special incompetence medicine was in the bits of chicken that fat Monty stole and it was important.

I did go to Monty and did say he had all eaten my special incompetence medicine and I did want it back. The Fairy told him that it had special lady hormones in it but Monty did say he was fine and it had all not affected him.

Fat Monty stole my chicken. I did laughing.

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Miss Monty

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

257. New Year, New Me – by Monty

I awoke this morning to find that we had left Europe.

Nearly.

Chicken looked out into the garden and announced that it made no difference at all as it was still cold. She had expected us to move a little closer to the Caribbean once we left Europe, though as there is still a long way to go so to speak, has not yet given up hope of wearing her bikini.

As you know, I am not one to occupy my time with frivolous activities, so I recently organised a squirrel hunt for Chicken and I. Showing my usual generosity, I allowed The Fairy to accompany us. Her training is progressing well and I have allowed Chicken to let go of The Fairy’s lead. I, of course, am always still attached to her as there is no guarantee that she will not wonder off on her own and be found twenty miles away, a week later.

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Max and Tilly 

Imagine my surprise when instead of finding squirrels in the woods, we actually found a couple of greyhounds who were doing an excellent job of impersonating us! Chicken was convinced that they actually were us and, having decided she didn’t like herself, went off with her heckles up. To be fair, she did make a bit of an effort which  was fortuitous for all involved.

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Tilly 

The two ladies who were with the dogs were lovely and kept The Fairy well engaged whilst I swapped details with the hounds. I’m sure you will join me in congratulating Max and Tilly for being so incredibly attractive.

Monty The Great

 

 

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256. NO! – by Monty

Just NO.

You have too much time on your hands.

Get a job.

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This dog is not for dressing. That’s what we have Chicken for.

Monty

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255. No Pain, No Gain – by Monty

I understand that the current political situation is one that demands my attention, but I have recently been pre-occupied with something that I’m sure you will agree, is much more important than the future of Britain: The Mud Head Project.

Yes people – my Mud Head is back on the menu!

After much debate, I conceded to my digging pit being removed in order to have my Mud Head take centre stage right in the middle of the garden. Whilst I accept this, it is nonetheless very painful.

Goodbye old friend. You have served me well.

Digging pit: June 2016 to September 2019

 

Monty

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254. Sad And Happy Stories – by Chicken

SAD AND THEN HAPPY STORY

Once upon a there was a cat who was very poor. He was so poor that he did not all have a home and he did not have a food bowl and he did not have any toys and he was so poor that he did not even have a wheelbarrow to all call his own. Because he was poor he could only afford tiny little legs and not big proper legs so his tummy was always near on the floor. He did live in the outside with the rubbish, and the other cats was mean to him and he was scared.

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Crumb Bum now has his own pot

Then one day the lady from the second-hand cat hotel did come with a shopping trolley and did take the scared cat to the hotel in the shopping trolley. They did give him a chip. I does think they were mean to give him just one chip and they could have given him a full bag.

The poor cat was very scared and then Auntie Sister did get him and take him to her house and he did hide for weeks and weeks and weeks. Then one day he did fall in love with Auntie Sister and did want cuddles and kisses all the time and at last he was happy happy. He grew proper big legs so his tummy was all not on the floor anymore and he did also get a name. He is all called Crumb Bum because he has crumbs on his bum.

BOOM! BOOM!

The End by Chicken

SAD STORY

Monty did say that a lot of the peoples in the government has lost their whippets.

The End by Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

253. Will The Real Crumble Please Stand Up – by Monty

I really do hope that Chicken is never called to court as a witness.

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Crumble the cat

Monty

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252. Britain Beats Every Other Country In The World – by Monty

Britain has won the Global Voting Competition, coming first in almost every category including: Most Frequent VotingBest Excuse For Voting; Worst Excuse For VotingMost Meaningless Vote, and Greatest Number Of Repeated Votes For Exactly The Same Thing. It was also awarded the Country Most Likely To Have Another Vote Before The End Of The Day trophy.

We are all feeling very proud.

We recently spent the day with Sister at Grandma and Grandad’s house, as I am supervising the building of a new pond. It dawned on me that whilst we see Sister, we no longer visit her house. I was perplexed by this, so surreptitiously sent Chicken to mingle with them to see if she could glean some information regarding this matter.

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Who wouldn’t eat the crumble?

I will not pretend that I understood everything that Chicken said, but she appeared to be reporting that Sister always has a fruit crumble in her house, and The Fairy is worried – quite rightly, I concede – that Chicken and I would eat it.

I have called a meeting with The Fairy to clarify some of the finer points. Sister is always so kind to us, that I find it difficult to believe she would object to us eating the crumble. If need be, we will have a vote to settle the issue of visiting Sister’s house.

Monty

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251. Hopping Monty – by Chicken

We did go for a walks and when we did go passed the house that doesn’t all cut the grass, we did see loads of hoppy hop grasshoppers. One did hop onto my Monty’s back and Monty did takes it for a long walk around the block. The Fairy did worry that it would be lost and lonely and I did say it was its own fault.

Then The Fairy did say she was all going to do work on the Mud Head and Monty was so hoppy happy that he did start hopping around the garden.

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My Monty keeping me safety safe

Then the Your Rope rubbish did gets worse and Monty did get hopping mad with it all and we did all ignore him. He is working on a plan.

The Fairy did move the patty chairs to the side of the patty near the fence and Ugly Cats and Kitten did use them to come into my garden and look at me all mean. I did tell Monty that they was being mean to me and he did stay next to me to all keeps me safe.

Chicken

 

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250. Stop Making A Meal Of It – by Monty

 

I’m sure that, like me, you are riveted to the ongoing Brexit negotiations. Chicken’s interest is now waning after an initially enthusiastic start. I can see her point. They are making it out to be a lot more complicated than it is. As far as I can see, we have three options.

1. Forget the whole thing, remain part of Europe whilst quietly dispensing with the whole silly democracy thing, and go about our daily lives with renewed energy.

2. Leave Europe but remain close by and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested settling the country just off the coast of Norway.

3. Leave Europe, put a large distance between us and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested moving closer to Panama where some of our tax revenue is held in off-shore accounts, but has recently changed her mind when she realised there would be many more 35 degree days.

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All round English hero

 

That’s it. That’s all there is to it and I really believe they should stop making a meal of it. If a meal is going to be made; let it be of steak and cake. Possibly also sausages and ice cream.

The Fairy and Chicken are both making plans to marry Ben Stokes, all round English hero. Yet again, I fail to see the attraction.

Two legs.

He’s only got TWO LEGS.

 

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

249. Build It And They Will Come – by Monty

Chicken has opened a GoFundMe account to help someone who is short of clothing. She has suggested that everyone who is willing to contribute should send some suspenders to a person called Doris. I suggested other clothing might also be appreciated, but she said it was only suspenders that were required. It warms my heart to see her being so kind to the less fortunate.

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Initial construction

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Helping with the digging

On the home front, great progress has been made in my garden. I had to put in a written complaint due to the inactivity of The Fairy which seems to have done the trick. She recently installed a luxury toilet for myself, which has unfortunately been hijacked by EVEN MORE WILDLIFE. It is almost as if she expected the wildlife to visit, as demonstrated by her building a stone escape structure for the hedgehogs. Does she really expect me to share my toilet facilities? She also made a serious error with regards groundcover, which I had to protest against, through the medium of wee. There is no place in my bathroom for gravel. Not with my sensitive feet. It makes no sense.

They came …

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

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