219. Dear Rudolf – by Chicken

Dear Mr Lovely Rudolf,

I is very very really sorry for being rudy rude to you last year. You is a lovely reindeer and everybody loves you and very sorry. 

From Chicken xxx

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Merrily Christmas, Rudolf!

Then I did do an apology to stupid Rudolf because Monty donty did sticking up for me with the mean polar bear. He did say that the polar bear was all staring at me because he thinks I is so pretty and I does know this is true. Monty did also say I will gets loads of a lot of presents and I does think one of them will be a puinnea gig and I will play with it and look after it but not eats it.

Monty did say I hads to be a good girl and I did say that I will be a good girl and I didn’t say that I all wouldn’t do anything or nots do anything in extra change for my sorry letter and I dids tell Monty that he is my favourite and I does think he is all great and I did never think of anything to do to make him embarrassed because I is a good girl.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

218. Using Your Slow Cooker At Christmas – by Monty

 

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Slow-cooked Chicken 

The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.

Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.

I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.

1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.

2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.

Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.

No thanks necessary.

Monty

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217. It’s Not A Hotel I’m Running – by Monty

 

‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.

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Get out!

Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.

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Show-off.

Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.

Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.

Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.

Monty

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216. Selfish Monty – by Chicken

Monty donty has all stolen my eclectic bed. He did try to sit on it but I was all sitting on it because it is mine and The Fairy did buy it for me. Then Monty did go on my settee and it is mine as well. I does not know how to all sits on my eclectic bed and my settee at the same time. Monty’s bottom is massive.

Then Monty did say I did have to say apologise to Rudolf and I did say that I did not have to. He did say that ifs I does apologising he would give me a carrot but I doesn’t like carrots. Then he did say that the carrot could be something else that I wants, so I did say that I wants to show the picture of Monty’s Easter Island Head Poo and he did say no. He did say the people would be upset because it is all rude but I did say that is the only way I will all say sorry to stupid Rudolf.

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My new Christmas present.

For Christmas I have asked for a puinnea gig. I will look after it and play with it and not eats it. Last year I did ask for a baby rabbit but I dids not get one so this year I has asked for a puinnea gig. Monty did say that I wouldn’t get a Christmas present ifs I doesn’t say sorry. Bum.

I did say that I wouldn’t say sorry unless I could all show my Easter Island Head Poo photo. I did tell Monty not to be selfish. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken

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215. In The Manner To Which I Am Accustomed – by Monty

 

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I’m still on it now.

There has been talk of arthritis in regards to my foot. During the recent cold weather I have been reduced to hopping. The usual remedy administered by The Fairy in the event of illness or injury is sausages and roast chicken. Unfortunately, this time it did not work. It helped a lot. But it did not work.

I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of an electric bed, which is working. The Fairy has produced an electric blanket from somewhere and has built up a rather super bed for me, complete with Christmas blanket. This is the level of treatment that I deserve in my retirement.

 

The first round of talks about the Christmas cancelling situation have broken down. Chicken put forward a proposal which was totally unacceptable. The Fairy was inclined to consider it, but I put my non-arthritic foot down. I fully understand the importance of reaching a settlement, but my self respect is worth more than Christmas.

Isn’t it?

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

214. Is Christmas To Be Cancelled? – by Monty

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Where’s your Christmas spirit gone, Chicken? 

This morning I received a communication from Father Christmas. He is not in a good mood. Apparently, Rudolf is refusing to fly unless Chicken apologises for last year. As you may recall, Chicken was rather rude to Rudolf and the poor thing was left out in the cold after being led to believe he was to be the guest of honour at a meal at our house. The invitation had to be rescinded at the last minute due to Chicken. I don’t mind telling you that I was rather embarrassed.

Naturally, and as usual, Chicken is refusing to apologise.

If I do not manage to illicit a heartfelt apology from her, Christmas will have to be cancelled. The first round of negotiations stalled at the first meeting held this morning.

Chicken is simply refusing to entertain the idea that she was in the wrong, so I will have to use my extensive diplomatic skills to find a solution. Failure is not an option. The Fairy has suggested that I provide some form of carrot to help Chicken make the right decision. In theory, a little bit of give and take on both sides should result in a satisfactory outcome.

Time is of the essence. I have told Chicken that she should go away and think about what she would need in order to be able to provide said apology. Hopefully she will come back with a proposal which will allow for a settlement to be drafted.

Monty

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213. What Am I Paying Her For? – by Monty

 

Honestly, I despair sometimes. All she was asked to do was produce a report about Brexit. If she were a member of the government and tried to pull a stunt like that, she’d have been fired by now.

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More important things to do?

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

212. My Big Report About Breaks It – by Chicken

MY BIG REPORT ABOUT BREAKS IT BY CHICKEN 

Breaks It is I did see the mean polar bear. Monty did go out and he did do a big poo and it was standing up on its own and it did have a face and it was smiling and it did all look like a Easter Island Head statue.

I did wants to put a picture of it on here but The Fairy did say I all had to ask Monty first. My report.

The End

Love Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

211. Date Of Brexit Brought Forward Without Consultation – by Monty

Chicken and I would like to say that we hope you are all well and that we are glad to be back. Unfortunately, my first news is somewhat alarming.

It appears that Britain has already left Europe without the public being made aware of it. As second in line to form a government, I was both offended and outraged in equal measure, that I had not been consulted. A formal complaint will be submitted shortly.

Although Mrs May is yet to release an official statement, it is quite clear to us that the move has already taken place. I have drawn this conclusion based on the following:

1. We are now obviously much closer to Norway than we were last week.

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Norwegian weather brings Britain to a halt

2. Intelligence provided by Chicken.

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Intelligent Chicken 

I cannot lie. I was rather skeptical when Chicken told me that she had seen reindeer and polar bears on her night time walks, but she was very insistent. Apparently, they have taken up residence all over the estate without my prior approval. As everyone knows, these sorts of animals are usually found much further north, suggesting to those of us intelligent enough to debate these issues, that Britain has indeed already moved.

Chicken wanted me to go out – in the dark I might add – to see the polar bears for myself, but unfortunately I was tied up with the writing of my formal complaint.

I have promised her that I will have a word with a certain polar bear tomorrow, as she was upset that it had looked at her “all mean.”

 

She is rather excited as I have asked her to write a report about her findings which will be published here tomorrow. I judge her to be at Excitement Level 3 at the moment.

I have retired to my office.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

210. Does You Know Yeuna? – by Chicken

A time ago on Thursday The Fairy did go out without me which is all not allowed and she did go out. Me and my Monty did go to Grandma and Grandad’s house.

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Yeuna

When The Fairy did come back she did say that she had met a little greyhound girly called Yeuna who is more littler than me. She did say that Yeuna had come from the Daybreakfast Kennels which is in the land of Birmingham which is all not near No Way, so I does know that she is not a troll. She did have a first name called Sooty and I did have a name first which was all not Chicken but greyhounds is good at having loads of names and getting new names when we do retiring.

The Fairy did say that Yeuna was very beautiful and very girly and I did reminding her that I was beautiful too. I did decides to play with Yeuna but The Fairy did say that her lovely mum and dad and big brother wouldn’t let her come home to be in my house because they did love her too much. Bum.

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Smiley girl

All the doggies at the Breakfast In The Day Kennels are all looking for lovely homes and if peoples lived in the land of Birmingham and they did want to fall in love with a greyhound and take the greyhound home that they could read the pages on the internetty and go and visit The Daybreaks Kennels.

http://www.rgtperrybarr.co.uk/ourdogs/

The Fairy did say that Yeuna did wagging her tail and she did jumpy jumps because she is very happy and she is playing all the time. She is still young not as old as me but she is all still a proper greyhound even though she is younger.

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Happy with her lovely family

 

 

I is going to look after my big Monty now because he is poorly. He is limping on his poorly footy and he did say he had all sustained a rather serious work related strain injury and I did say that was all not true and he just had a poorly foot.

I is going to make it betterer by doing jumpy jumps on it. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken

 

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