Britain has won the Global Voting Competition, coming first in almost every category including: Most Frequent Voting; Best Excuse For Voting; Worst Excuse For Voting; Most Meaningless Vote, and Greatest Number Of Repeated Votes For Exactly The Same Thing. It was also awarded the Country Most Likely To Have Another Vote Before The End Of The Day trophy.
We are all feeling very proud.
We recently spent the day with Sister at Grandma and Grandad’s house, as I am supervising the building of a new pond. It dawned on me that whilst we see Sister, we no longer visit her house. I was perplexed by this, so surreptitiously sent Chicken to mingle with them to see if she could glean some information regarding this matter.
Who wouldn’t eat the crumble?
I will not pretend that I understood everything that Chicken said, but she appeared to be reporting that Sister always has a fruit crumble in her house, and The Fairy is worried – quite rightly, I concede – that Chicken and I would eat it.
I have called a meeting with The Fairy to clarify some of the finer points. Sister is always so kind to us, that I find it difficult to believe she would object to us eating the crumble. If need be, we will have a vote to settle the issue of visiting Sister’s house.
We did go for a walks and when we did go passed the house that doesn’t all cut the grass, we did see loads of hoppy hop grasshoppers. One did hop onto my Monty’s back and Monty did takes it for a long walk around the block. The Fairy did worry that it would be lost and lonely and I did say it was its own fault.
Then The Fairy did say she was all going to do work on the Mud Head and Monty was so hoppy happy that he did start hopping around the garden.
My Monty keeping me safety safe
Then the Your Rope rubbish did gets worse and Monty did get hopping mad with it all and we did all ignore him. He is working on a plan.
The Fairy did move the patty chairs to the side of the patty near the fence and Ugly Cats and Kitten did use them to come into my garden and look at me all mean. I did tell Monty that they was being mean to me and he did stay next to me to all keeps me safe.
Chicken has opened a GoFundMe account to help someone who is short of clothing. She has suggested that everyone who is willing to contribute should send some suspenders to a person called Doris. I suggested other clothing might also be appreciated, but she said it was only suspenders that were required. It warms my heart to see her being so kind to the less fortunate.
Helping with the digging
On the home front, great progress has been made in my garden. I had to put in a written complaint due to the inactivity of The Fairy which seems to have done the trick. She recently installed a luxury toilet for myself, which has unfortunately been hijacked by EVEN MORE WILDLIFE. It is almost as if she expected the wildlife to visit, as demonstrated by her building a stone escape structure for the hedgehogs. Does she really expect me to share my toilet facilities? She also made a serious error with regards groundcover, which I had to protest against, through the medium of wee. There is no place in my bathroom for gravel. Not with my sensitive feet. It makes no sense.
They came …
Monty had a tick on his willy.
The Fairy did take if off because she does know how to all take them off dogs and children and Monty did behave like a baby.
The Fairy did say: How did I get to a point in life where I is taking ticks off Monty’s willy? She did then run outside and throw it over the fence into Next Door’s garden. They was out shopping.
So close, yet …….
The Fairy did do lots of complaining about it and then Grandad did come and force her to cut the grass because he did say two foot is two foot too long for a lawn. I did say that I did always know that two feets is rubbish but four feets is best. Then I dids have to do loads of big work tidying up the garden and I does blame Monty and his stupid tick.
Arky Parky did do visiting and I did try to steal his beer and he did say NO NO NO and I did say BUM BUM BUM.
So I win.
Over the winter months I always have a good view of my garden. I like to perform a few perimeter checks on foot during the day, but for most of the time a quick glance out of the patio door suffices. In recent weeks however, I have found my view obscured by clothes. I have no idea why people insist on hanging their clothes up in the garden during the summer and can only assume they are displaying them for the neighbours. The neighbours may well appreciate it, but I do not. I have no interest at all in ladies unmentionables flapping about in my line of vision.
Think you’re waterproof? We’ll see.
Not only am I subjected to ladies unmentionables, I now also have to suffer the presence of a large plastic contraption in my garden. The Fairy seems very pleased with it, but I am outraged. When the wind blows, it makes noise. That’s right people – The Fairy has brought a noise-making item into my garden. She spent all yesterday messing about with pots and soil and the watering can. Chicken helped, and the pair of them had a fabulous time.
Who grows soil nowadays?
I remain suspicious, however. The Fairy says it is waterproof but that makes no sense at all. Why would she want something that prevents me watering the plants? Surely she must recognise this as a design fault. I intend to assess its waterproofing credentials later, as I would hate to have anything in my unit which does not comply with current Trading Standards regulations.
Tomatoes are my specialty.
It also concerned me that she hadn’t applied for planning permission from the Council. I’m in the process of locating the home phone number of Bob from the Council.
I know it’s Sunday, and a Bank Holiday weekend to boot, but I do believe he has a civic duty and will not mind at all if I ring him at dinner time with a legitimate enquiry.
I often feel that the word remarkable is overused. As a case in point, I would draw your attention to my previous statement when I referred to my recovery from a serious foot infection as remarkable. It turned out to be anything but. In fact, the recovery was noticeable by its absence. I remained on antibiotics for 21 days, until another infection (located in a rather delicate area of my anatomy which shall remain anonymous) kindly took up the gauntlet and ran with it, necessitating a different set of tablets. Woe is me. I do not like to complain as you know, but I have requested an official enquiry.
The Chicken And The Toad
Chicken has been extra kind to me during this time, and has greatly reduced the amount of noise she makes. She is still twittering on about her ghost cat and seems to be making new acquaintances on her evening walks. So far she has mentioned a German Shepherd puppy, an Akita puppy, a Pug, a Jack Russell and a toad. None of whom she likes.
Due to my confinement, I missed the opportunity to put myself forward for the Home Secretary vacancy which became available last week. I am always at home and I could very easily acquire a secretary, so feel I would have been the ideal candidate. Chicken said she would rather enjoy being my secretary, which would make her the Secretary’s secretary. We have put our plans on hold for the time being but remain hopeful, as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that the position become available again quite quickly. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about British politics, it’s that you cannot afford to blink.
Tomorrow I am overseeing some work in the garden which may involve the use of seeds. I am on standby to do any watering that may be required.
Fear not people. I have made a miraculous recovery. This is to be expected given my thoroughbred, Irish lineage. We are made of steel. The Fairy was particularly impressed with the way I ran through the house upon my return, straight out into the back garden to take care of business. I am not sure if she was impressed with the running, or with the fact that I didn’t do anything inappropriate on the living room floor.
Upon returning to my office, Chicken began a programme of nursing which I am sure was well intentioned. Be that as it may, I still had to ask for help after a couple of hours. There is only so much inane, incessant chatter that one dog can listen to without becoming desperate. Especially in a state of semi-consciousness. I have no idea why, but I had nightmares about horses playing violins made of sausages.
Due to my remarkable recovery, I am now in a position to deal with the most pressing issues facing my unit. These range from phantom cats and dangerous cats, to garden vandalism. I am planning on drawing up some action plans in the near future.
Feeling like my old self again.
BOOM! BOOM! I is back!
Monty did all not give me a Valen card so I did get sad and kick him in the head. Then I did complain and complain and I did go to tell The Fairy. She did say that sometimes people did forgetting and not to be too mad so I did only kick him in the head another one time.
Being extra pretty.
Then big Monty did say he would make me a special pretty flowers in my garden just for me in summer and he did say the flowers would be as pretty as me so I am all being extra pretty so I does get the best pretty summer flowers. He is my lovely Monty and he did forget my Valen card.
When I does go out in the outside to do walking I does always see a ghosty ghost cats. Monty did say I has to be careful my big image nation doesn’t all run away but the ghost cats doesn’t run away it is all still there. It is looking all skeleton and dirty and it does following me but it is all not as big as the big horses that do following me as well.
I is starving.
In the lead as usual.
I sincerely apologise for neglecting my communication duties. I do hope that everyone is well. The thing is, I have only just regained consciousness after forgetting to send Chicken a Valentine’s Day card. We have decided unanimously never to speak of it again.
I feel a quick update of events is in order. Firstly, I received a letter from The House Of Commons. I have returned it unopened as it was incorrectly addressed simply to Monty. If the government wants my advice about something they can use my official title of Monty The Great.
Secondly, Chicken is convinced that she is being stalked by a ghost cat. I rang PC Dave at the Station to ask if there had been any other reports of said ghost cat, to which he replied in the negative. He has promised to keep his eye out for anything suspicious.
Thirdly, we are still caught in the nightmare that is the diet.
Lastly, I have called a meeting to discuss the refurbishment of my garden. I have big plans for this year with regards vegetables. Work will begin as soon as this snow has cleared. Until then, Chicken and I will make the most of it.
Monty The Great
Winter has been a disappointment with regards to snow, but I am very pleased to see temperatures rising now as we head towards Spring. Today was warm enough for us to begin work on my garden. I was able to inspect my race track in detail, and found it to be in excellent condition. There was some talk of planting flowers around it, but I have not yet agreed to this plan.
Having tested the outside temperature, wind speed and direction, cloud cover and the firmness of the ground, I determined that the going was good, so I gave permission for my digging pit to be re-opened.
Both Chicken and I thoroughly enjoyed our first foray of the year into my pit. I had quite forgotten how much fun it is. The Fairy made a video which clearly shows my superior digging skills compared to Chicken’s. Chicken says the parts of the video which show me digging are boring and go on too long, and has suggested that you only watch the parts that she is in.
Monty The Great