Posts Tagged With: Gardening

229. What Is This Contraption I See Before Me? – by Monty

Over the winter months I always have a good view of my garden. I like to perform a few perimeter checks on foot during the day, but for most of the time a quick glance out of the patio door suffices. In recent weeks however, I have found my view obscured by clothes. I have no idea why people insist on hanging their clothes up in the garden during the summer and can only assume they are displaying them for the neighbours. The neighbours may well appreciate it, but I do not. I have no interest at all in ladies unmentionables flapping about in my line of vision.

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Think you’re waterproof? We’ll see.

Not only am I subjected to ladies unmentionables, I now also have to suffer the presence of a large plastic contraption in my garden. The Fairy seems very pleased with it, but I am outraged. When the wind blows, it makes noise. That’s right people – The Fairy has brought a noise-making item into my garden. She spent all yesterday messing about with pots and soil and the watering can. Chicken helped, and the pair of them had a fabulous time.

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Who grows soil nowadays?

I remain suspicious, however. The Fairy says it is waterproof but that makes no sense at all. Why would she  want something that prevents me watering the plants? Surely she must recognise this as a design fault. I intend to assess its waterproofing credentials later, as I would hate to have anything in my unit which does not comply with current Trading Standards regulations.

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Tomatoes are my specialty.

It also concerned me that she hadn’t applied for planning permission from the Council. I’m in the process of locating the home phone number of Bob from the Council.

I know it’s Sunday, and a Bank Holiday weekend to boot, but I do believe he has a civic duty and will not mind at all if I ring him at dinner time with a legitimate enquiry.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

228. The Overuse Of The Word REMARKABLE – by Monty

I often feel that the word remarkable is overused. As a case in point, I would draw your attention to my previous statement when I referred to my recovery from a serious foot infection as remarkable. It turned out to be anything but. In fact, the recovery was noticeable by its absence. I remained on antibiotics for 21 days, until another infection (located in a rather delicate area of my anatomy which shall remain anonymous) kindly took up the gauntlet and ran with it, necessitating a different set of tablets. Woe is me. I do not like to complain as you know, but I have requested an official enquiry.

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The Chicken And The Toad

Chicken has been extra kind to me during this time, and has greatly reduced the amount of noise she makes. She is still twittering on about her ghost cat and seems to be making new acquaintances on her evening walks. So far she has mentioned a German Shepherd puppy, an Akita puppy, a Pug, a Jack Russell and a toad. None of whom she likes.

Due to my confinement, I missed the opportunity to put myself forward for the Home Secretary vacancy which became available last week. I am always at home and I could very easily acquire a secretary, so feel I would have been the ideal candidate. Chicken said she would rather enjoy being my secretary, which would make her the Secretary’s secretary. We have put our plans on hold for the time being but remain hopeful, as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that the position become available again quite quickly. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about British politics, it’s that you cannot afford to blink.

Tomorrow I am overseeing some work in the garden which may involve the use of seeds. I am on standby to do any watering that may be required.

Monty

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226. A Remarkable Recovery – by Monty

Fear not people. I have made a miraculous recovery. This is to be expected given my thoroughbred, Irish lineage. We are made of steel. The Fairy was particularly impressed with the way I ran through the house upon my return, straight out into the back garden to take care of business. I am not sure if she was impressed with the running, or with the fact that I didn’t do anything inappropriate on the living room floor.

Upon returning to my office, Chicken began a programme of nursing which I am sure was well intentioned. Be that as it may, I still had to ask for help after a couple of hours. There is only so much inane, incessant chatter that one dog can listen to without becoming desperate. Especially in a state of semi-consciousness. I have no idea why, but I had nightmares about horses playing violins made of sausages.

Due to my remarkable recovery, I am now in a position to deal with the most pressing issues facing my unit. These range from phantom cats and dangerous cats, to garden vandalism. I am planning on drawing up some action plans in the near future.

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Feeling like my old self again.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

221. Pretty Day – by Chicken

BOOM! BOOM! I is back!

Monty did all not give me a Valen card so I did get sad and kick him in the head. Then I did complain and complain and I did go to tell The Fairy. She did say that sometimes people did forgetting and not to be too mad so I did only kick him in the head another one time.

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Being extra pretty.

Then big Monty did say he would make me a special pretty flowers in my garden just for me in summer and he did say the flowers would be as pretty as me so I am all being extra pretty so I does get the best pretty summer flowers. He is my lovely Monty and he did forget my Valen card.

When I does go out in the outside to do walking I does always see a ghosty ghost cats. Monty did say I has to be careful my big image nation doesn’t all run away but the ghost cats doesn’t run away it is all still there. It is looking all skeleton and dirty and it does following me but it is all not as big as the big horses that do following me as well.

I is starving.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

220. Making The Most Of The Snow – by Monty

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In the lead as usual.

I sincerely apologise for neglecting my communication duties. I do hope that everyone is well. The thing is, I have only just regained consciousness after forgetting to send Chicken a Valentine’s Day card. We have decided unanimously never to speak of it again.

I feel a quick update of events is in order. Firstly, I received a letter from The House Of Commons. I have returned it unopened as it was incorrectly addressed simply to Monty. If the government wants my advice about something they can use my official title of Monty The Great.

Secondly, Chicken is convinced that she is being stalked by a ghost cat. I rang PC Dave at the Station to ask if there had been any other reports of said ghost cat, to which he replied in the negative. He has promised to keep his eye out for anything suspicious.

Thirdly, we are still caught in the nightmare that is the diet.

Lastly, I have called a meeting to discuss the refurbishment of my garden. I have big plans for this year with regards vegetables. Work will begin as soon as this snow has cleared. Until then, Chicken and I will make the most of it.

Monty The Great

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182. The Grand Re-opening – by Monty

Winter has been a disappointment with regards to snow, but I am very pleased to see temperatures rising now as we head towards Spring. Today was warm enough for us to begin work on my garden. I was able to inspect my race track in detail, and found it to be in excellent condition. There was some talk of planting flowers around it, but I have not yet agreed to this plan.

Having tested the outside temperature, wind speed and direction, cloud cover and the firmness of the ground, I determined that the going was good, so I gave permission for my digging pit to be re-opened.

Both Chicken and I thoroughly enjoyed our first foray of the year into my pit. I had quite forgotten how much fun it is. The Fairy made a video which clearly shows my superior digging skills compared to Chicken’s.  Chicken says the parts of the video which show me digging are boring and go on too long, and has suggested that you only watch the parts that she is in.

I disagree.

Monty The Great

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

163. New Greyhound Race Track Set To Open In North Lincolnshire – BREAKING NEWS

A new greyhound racing track in North Lincolnshire, is set to open its doors in the new year. The track, which was originally expected to be completed by early November 2016, has only just been finished, and is still awaiting approval by the Council.

The ambitious project is the brainchild of two retired open racers; Monty The Great and Stand Still Chicken. When asked what prompted them to build a race track, Monty The Great said that although retired, they both still enjoyed racing and felt it important to do so on a professional track.

He went on to say that he had raced at all the top tracks up and down the country, resulting in him having a level of expertise not usually seen in the average greyhound. He said that he had used his extensive knowledge to design and build one of the most impressive tracks ever seen.

The track is constructed mostly of mud and has state of the art toilet facilities in the centre, negating the need for any greyhound to leave the track in order to wee.

Monty The Great said that he would be applying for a license to hold race meetings in 2017. Stand Still Chicken added that frogs would also be allowed to race, though no explanation was given for this move. A Council spokesman said that a previous application to build a trench on the site had been turned down, and they were unaware that the track had been built. They are expected to visit the premises in the next few days.

Opposition groups are planning to erect temporary green fencing around the area to prevent racing taking place, but Monty The Great confirmed that the owner of the property had fully approved the building of the track, and had no objections to hosting race meetings in the future. When we contacted her for a comment however, she was overcome with emotion and unable to speak through her tears.

It is understood that the site had originally been a lawn, before being redeveloped.

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The new track, with state of the art toilet facilities in the centre.

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags: ,

155. Why Did I Even Bother? – by Monty

As a rule, I don’t ask for praise or recognition for the contributions I make to society. I’m happy to go about my business in a professional and discreet manner; my reward being the safety of my unit and immediate community.

There are times however, when I go above and beyond to make a positive difference to the lives of those I’m responsible for, and for this, just a little bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss.

Case in point: my diligent cultivation of the tomatoes. I spent a considerable amount of time and effort ensuring the crop was a success in order to provide a valuable food resource for my unit. A day did not go by when they were not attended to. Everybody was impressed at the number of fruits I grew, and a certain amount of awe was expressed as they changed from green to red.

Imagine my disgust then, to find that absolutely nobody is willing to eat them. They are the most succulent tomatoes due to the fact that I watered them myself, at least three times a day.

Now I find, unbelievably, that despite this personal attention, there is a general air of reluctance to try them. I don’t know why I bothered. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with them. No explanation has been given for their lack of popularity. It seems that all that watering was a total waste of time.

You can do it yourself next year.

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I see no reason at all why these juicy tomatoes would not be enjoyed by all

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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