I appear to have died and gone to Heaven. OUTRAGEOUS! I am outraged. Outraged, I tell you. In addition,I have been placed in a box! HOW DARE YOU!
Granted, there was talk of organ failure and a trip to the vet which necessitated an overnight stay in the hospital, but at no point was my transfer to Heaven discussed with me. There was no public consultation period which I am absolutely sure is a legal requirement. Due process was obviously not followed. There needs to be a Public Enquiry. I have ordered a full report.
As you well know, I am not one to complain, but suffice it to say, St Peter was left in no doubt about my feelings. Interestingly enough, I am in fact very happy to be here. I am in excellent condition and completely pain free. Everything I want, I have.
I love my big bum Monty donty ponty poo head but he has all left me by my alone self. He did get sick all of a suddenly last year and did go to the big horsepit but then he didn’t all come home. I waited by standing looking at the door for weeks and ages and ages but Monty didn’t come through the door ever again.
My tail could not do wagging anymore and one day I did see Monty again and my tail did wagging but it was a black Labra doorstep and he was not Monty so he was stupid. I has friends when I go walking on Rabbit Hill and they is all friendly to me but they is not Monty so they is all stupid as well.
I am sad.
The Fairy is sad.
Everybody is sad.
My big bum Monty donty ponty poo head has left me by my alone self and I am sad.
She has had some sort of verbal altercation with Ugly Cat which has left her quite distressed. By which I mean angry.
Best to let her calm down
I do not mind cats myself and have found Ugly Cat to be generally agreeable and, on occasion, helpful with regards my security work. He doesn’t often come into my garden, preferring to sit on the shed roof next door.
For some reason however, he has decided to associate himself with Ugly Kitten who is still rather small, despite being over a year old. Ugly Kitten does come into my garden – sometimes during daylight hours. Ugly Kitten has not yet acquired any dignity, nor self-control. I do not know what it is that makes him bounce off the fences and ricochet off various obstacles in my garden, but it is a sure way of getting oneself eaten.
To all cats everywhere, and to Ugly Kitten in particular, I offer this advice:
My lovely Monty was being all nice to me and then he did stealing and he did steal my chicken!
I was sad.
Then The Fairy did say that my special incompetence medicine was in the bits of chicken that fat Monty stole and it was important.
I did go to Monty and did say he had all eaten my special incompetence medicine and I did want it back. The Fairy told him that it had special lady hormones in it but Monty did say he was fine and it had all not affected him.
I awoke this morning to find that we had left Europe.
Chicken looked out into the garden and announced that it made no difference at all as it was still cold. She had expected us to move a little closer to the Caribbean once we left Europe, though as there is still a long way to go so to speak, has not yet given up hope of wearing her bikini.
As you know, I am not one to occupy my time with frivolous activities, so I recently organised a squirrel hunt for Chicken and I. Showing my usual generosity, I allowed The Fairy to accompany us. Her training is progressing well and I have allowed Chicken to let go of The Fairy’s lead. I, of course, am always still attached to her as there is no guarantee that she will not wonder off on her own and be found twenty miles away, a week later.
Max and Tilly
Imagine my surprise when instead of finding squirrels in the woods, we actually found a couple of greyhounds who were doing an excellent job of impersonating us! Chicken was convinced that they actually were us and, having decided she didn’t like herself, went off with her heckles up. To be fair, she did make a bit of an effort which was fortuitous for all involved.
The two ladies who were with the dogs were lovely and kept The Fairy well engaged whilst I swapped details with the hounds. I’m sure you will join me in congratulating Max and Tilly for being so incredibly attractive.
I understand that the current political situation is one that demands my attention, but I have recently been pre-occupied with something that I’m sure you will agree, is much more important than the future of Britain: The Mud Head Project.
Yes people – my Mud Head is back on the menu!
After much debate, I conceded to my digging pit being removed in order to have my Mud Head take centre stage right in the middle of the garden. Whilst I accept this, it is nonetheless very painful.
Once upon a there was a cat who was very poor. He was so poor that he did not all have a home and he did not have a food bowl and he did not have any toys and he was so poor that he did not even have a wheelbarrow to all call his own. Because he was poor he could only afford tiny little legs and not big proper legs so his tummy was always near on the floor. He did live in the outside with the rubbish, and the other cats was mean to him and he was scared.
Crumb Bum now has his own pot
Then one day the lady from the second-hand cat hotel did come with a shopping trolley and did take the scared cat to the hotel in the shopping trolley. They did give him a chip. I does think they were mean to give him just one chip and they could have given him a full bag.
The poor cat was very scared and then Auntie Sister did get him and take him to her house and he did hide for weeks and weeks and weeks. Then one day he did fall in love with Auntie Sister and did want cuddles and kisses all the time and at last he was happy happy. He grew proper big legs so his tummy was all not on the floor anymore and he did also get a name. He is all called Crumb Bum because he has crumbs on his bum.
The End by Chicken
Monty did say that a lot of the peoples in the government has lost their whippets.