Author Archives: captaingreyhound

239. Do Chicken And Fish Go Together? – by Monty

Today I led an outdoor excursion to the lake. My intention was simply to verify its continued existence and then to get straight back in the car for safety. I had no desire to walk all the way around it. I had no desire to walk a hundred yards. A noise could have occurred at any moment.

Recognising my decision, The Fairy decided to let Chicken off the lead to run up and down so she could get some exercise. Chicken has separation anxiety so always comes back. Like a boomerang. Separation anxiety she may have; brains she does not.

Chicken ran around a bit and then launched herself straight into the lake. She flew about five yards, overshot the shallows and sank like a stone. The Fairy was about to go in after her, when Chicken resurfaced and actually managed to swim ashore. She thought it was hilarious. I thought it was the most reckless thing she has done so far.  Which I told her. Repeatedly.

On the plus side, we had to go back home straight away because Chicken was cold.

Chicken and fish do NOT go together.

Monty The Great

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238. Brexit Meeting Results In A Big Step Forward – by Monty

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Demand for sandwiches will increase dramatically when we leave Europe

Having scheduled my private Brexit meeting for 7pm last night, I quite rightly ordered refreshments from The Fairy. She agreed to provide food and drink as long as I paid her in advance, which I did.

As 7pm approached I was alerted to the fact that having accepted the contract to provide said refreshments, The Fairy did not, in fact, have any food available. She said she could provide sandwiches and sausage rolls the following day but I decided to recoup my money instead. Needless to say, I was furious.

Some might say it was my own fault for not thoroughly checking her capacity to fulfill the contract, but I would counter by asking: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD AGREE TO PROVIDE SOMETHING THEY KNEW THEY DIDN’T HAVE? She had no food. I say again people – NO FOOD.

Of my money, there is no trace. On top of that, Chicken was very angry that she had not been given a chance to bid for the refreshments contract and has filed a claim for compensation, citing lost potential earnings.

Despite these distractions, I got my meeting underway on time. I managed to push through a motion to schedule further meetings, which I’m sure you will agree is a big step forward.  Chicken said this decision is non-binding as it was not subject to any consultation process. For goodness’ sake!

Next she’ll be saying that Leave doesn’t actually mean Leave. It’s a good job she’s not in charge of the Brexit negotiations.

Monty The Great

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237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty

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Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

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236.Monty’s Red Face – by Chicken

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My upset Monty 

Monty did get smacked in the face by a black cat. The cat was rude. We did all not know the new cat and it did come running up to us to say friendly hello and then it did just smack my lovely Monty in the face for no reason. Monty did pretending that he was not all upset and he was upset I does know.

I did go out to look for Foxy because Foxy lives in the field and I did want to ask him about the smelly ferret but I did not find Foxy. I has seen Ugly Cats and he does still look scruffy bum and he is still stupid smelly, but now he does not go outs in the dark dark anymore and I does not know why. I also does not care.

Monty has all been watching the news on the tellybox all the times because he does say the Brexit government is very quite important. I has decided not to watch any Brexit tellybox things because it does BORE MY HEAD OFF.

I is now going to look after Monty’s red face now.

Chicken

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235. A Ferret In A Field – by Chicken

Ugly Cats has been living with a ferret.

I did say to Monty that ferrets smell and Ugly Cats smells and he should all go back to his smelly ferret. Monty donty did say I had to be kind to him because he had all been out in the field and I did say bum.

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Smelly ferret

At this Christmas I did sleep in the comfy big bed and eats nice foody food and gets lovely presents so I is happy. Ugly Cats is even more ugly than he used to be and now he has big scratches on him and scruffy fuzz hair. I did say it was his own fault for being next to a ferret in a field and Monty did say again that I did have to be kind, so I did tell Monty to go and live with the smelly ferret if he does love him so much.

Crinkle and me together is all thinking of a plan to get rids of the smelly ferret and Ugly Cats. They is smelly and ugly. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

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234. The Wanderer Returns – by Monty

Crinkle Octopus and myself have had enough. I have had enough of the noise and Crinkle has had enough of the biting. Chicken, on the other hand, cannot get enough of either. I called a meeting today to discuss the return of Ugly Cat but Chicken refused to attend unless Crinkle be allowed to sit in. I’m not convinced that she was giving me her full attention.

 

Ugly Cat disappeared a while ago and resurfaced months later looking rather worse for wear. He spoke to me in confidence, saying he had been on a secret fact-finding mission to Brussels; his remit being to gather information about what is happening with Brexit. Apparently, he came away a pauper and had to make his own way back home, travelling by night and hunting for his food. This explains his dishevelled appearance and drastic weight loss.

He suggested that he and I form a top secret organisation with the purpose of gathering our own information about what is going on in political circles here. I told him that I would seriously consider it, but that I felt it to be a tall order. If he couldn’t find out what was going on from Brussels, how was he expecting to find out from Downing Street? I’m not even sure that any information exists.

For the time being, I have decided not to tell Chicken about Ugly Cat’s secret mission. She will find it hard enough dealing with the return of Ugly Cat, without adding the additional trauma of Brexit.

At the meeting, I told her that Ugly Cat had been living feral for a long time, but was learning once more to live in a house. I hoped this would result in her showing a little more kindness towards him than she has in the past.

Monty

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233. And …. Relax – by Monty

All is well in the world of Monty. Chicken has relocated to the settee with a rather sick looking Fairy, so I am back in my big bed with Ellie the Elephant.

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Back where I belong.

You may also notice my lovely new Christmas blanket which Grandma and Grandad gave me for Christmas. Chicken also has one which should mean she won’t steal mine.

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Chicken opening her Christmas blanket.

I am expecting a little ‘Chicken respite’ over the next few days as Chicken has a new boyfriend. His name is Crinkle Octopus, and to be honest, I think he has far too much to say for himself. I am hearing his crinkly voice in my sleep.

Monty

 

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232. What’s Wrong In This Picture? – by Monty

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Can you spot the deliberate mistake? 

What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I shall tell you. There are two beds: one large, one small. There are two greyhounds: one large, one small. There are two greyhound brains: one large, one small. How did it happen that the small greyhound with the small brain ended up in the large bed? The large greyhound is rather perturbed. To say the least.

Putting that business aside, I am in an excellent mood preparing for Father Christmas. He is expected at my house before dawn tomorrow and I have already layed out a range of suitable refreshments for him and his reindeer. Chicken does not fully support the notion of rewarding the reindeer as she has not yet forgiven Rudolf for something that he didn’t do two years ago. Or some such nonsense.

We have had a bit of a rollercoaster ride over the last few months involving, amongst other things, general anesthetics, but we are now back on the horse so to speak.  Chicken is beside herself with excitement and refusing to go to sleep so I’m anticipating a very long night. Until tomorrow then my friends……….

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL

Monty The Great

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231. Chicken Legs – by Monty

The practice of displaying clothes in the garden for the neighbours to admire has continued all summer. There have been a few days recently when it has rained, and The Fairy has not taken her clothes outside, thus perpetuating Chicken’s belief that rain is dangerous. I have tried to reason with her by explaining that The Fairy is still willing to go for walks during rainfall but, as usual, Chicken won’t listen to me.

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How to fold a Chicken

Last week, The Fairy was so determined that the neighbours see as many clothes as possible, that she had an outlandish number of articles hanging on the line throughout the day. This inevitably led to a large amount of folding being required.

In a lapse of concentration, The Fairy folded up Chicken by mistake. I offered my assistance to Chicken, stating clearly that I could unfold her in a jiffy but Chicken declined, saying she was quite comfortable and pleased that The Fairy had included her in the demonstration.

 

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I cannot wait to see her walk with those.

It was a few days later when I walked into the living room that I noticed Chicken’s back legs had grown to an unnatural length. I do not yet know whether this unprecedented growth spurt is due to the folding up process, but I am keeping a fair distance from The Fairy, lest she attempts the same with me. My legs are perfect. I intend for them to stay that way.

I am in the process of writing a report about the cats on my estate after some quite remarkable developments. I will publish my findings shortly, once I have discussed them with Chicken Long Legs.

Monty

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230. Worst Greyhound Owner EVER! – by Monty

Chicken’s tenth birthday was on the 19th of July. My tenth birthday was three weeks later. The Fairy forgot Chicken’s birthday. She suddenly realised her mistake a few weeks later, apologised, and promised to have a joint party for both of us on my birthday.

My birthday came and went without acknowledgment. I had cleared my diary for the purpose of celebrating in style, only to find absolutely no evidence at all of any kind of social event, gift giving ceremony or newspaper announcement.

Thank goodness for Arky and Grandma. Arky provided Chicken and I with a stunning selection of steaks. I ate mine – Chicken just sucked hers down all in one go. Chew your food I tell her – you’ll enjoy it more.

Then came the creme de la creme of presents: The Desperate Dan Cow Pie. It also contained pork and green beans. This wonderful invention was delivered to us by Grandma and Grandad. Grandma had baked this pie because she loves us, but also because she felt sorry for us, as the one who takes care of us had completely forgotten.

The Fairy is trying to get back into our good books and has offered an array of excuses, none of which compensate for her total lack of good owner credentials.

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The Desperate Dan Cow Pie

I cannot help feeling that I have taken my eye off the ball with regards to on-going owner training. I shall have to start a new training programme, with a view to kicking her back into shape.

Monty The Great

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