I took everybody for a walk yesterday morning as I am wont to do. The Fairy misjudged the ambient temperature which was about ten degrees higher than she had expected. She ended up carrying our coats, and moaned about it all the way home.
As soon as we left the dwelling unit, the strength of the wind was obvious. I thought perhaps it would die down as we ventured further afield, but if anything, the opposite was true. Naturally I was concerned for the safety of my unit, and felt it prudent to terminate the expedition and return to base as quickly as possible. Attempts to push The Fairy from behind failed, so I adjusted my approach and adopted the pull and drag technique. Despite taking longer than I would have hoped, we did eventually return safely and I completed a quick head count before heading straight for the phone.
It had taken longer than anticipated, but I had eventually tracked down Simon at the Department of Energy & Climate Change’s mobile number. I felt outraged that he had allowed the wind to become so strong and feel very strongly that if he doesn’t take his climate responsibilities seriously, he shouldn’t be in the job. Naturally, I rang him straight away to express my anger.
He was less happy than I would expect a man on holiday to be. He seemed more interested in where I had obtained his private number than in the current weather conditions. I am a real believer in giving credit where it’s due, so although I did disclose that I had found the number on my own, I also mentioned the level of support I had received from his secretary. Too often the back room staff do not receive the recognition they deserve so I felt I was doing a good deed by mentioning his role in this matter. I’m sure he will appreciate my thoughtfulness.
Unfortunately, Simon was unable to speak in any depth, so I told him that I would contact him again at another time. He tried to tell me never to ring him again, and became quite passionate about this, expressing himself in quite an animated way.
Far be it from me to criticise him, but there really was no need for that kind of language.
Yesterday wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had. The wind was warm, which English people don’t understand or cope with. The dogs raided the kitchen and ate things they shouldn’t have. Chicken has taken to digging in the hole every time she goes out in the garden, and bringing the mud into the living room. Monty razzed on the carpet, and my lottery tickets were defective so I’m still not a millionaire.
Monty is not the bravest boy and is frightened of big noises so he didn’t really enjoy walking in the wind. He tried to hide behind my knees to start with so I couldn’t walk properly, and then he dragged me all the way home. I do feel a bit sorry for him but he has triggered my tennis elbow so there’s a limit to my sympathy.
On the plus side, I did see a pigeon in town which was having to walk sideways because of the wind. I’ve seen many pigeons over the years, but I’ve never seen one walking sideways. If you get the chance to see this, you should. It’s the best thing ever.
Also, after tea, both my dogs cuddled up with me on the settee which I love. Chicken is allowed to sit near Monty as long as she doesn’t touch him too much. And she certainly can’t kick him in the head. He doesn’t appreciate being kicked in the head. She’s cuddling his bum at the moment and everything should be fine, as long as she doesn’t move.
Monty gets a cuddle
Today in the morning The Fairy did all get us out of bed early to go for a windy walk before breakfast because she is all still getting fitterer. It is not coldy but the big wind did try to knock us over but we is all too strong. Monty wanted to stay in his big comfy bed but I decides he has to come with us to get more fitter too, because he is being a bit chubby now.
Me and The Fairy did laugh all the time because big wind is funny but Monty Bum Bum was scaredy cat and frightened of the noise. I did say that he should stop being all a baby and that his wind was much more noisy and he said that was a bit harsh but I said it is true.
He did try to get back home quickly fast and pulled and pulled to make us go quickerer. He did kept saying that he was just tired and wanted to go back to bed and I did say that was a porky pie and also I did say if it was true, it serves him right for sitting up all night using the big computerer.
Now we is back in and waiting for food and I is then going to look after Monty because I love him. BOOM! BOOM!
The Fairy and Chicken are both in bed so I have taken the opportunity to do some work on the computer in peace. I was unable to speak with Simon at the Department of Energy & Climate Change today, due to the fact that he is on holiday. I did ask for his mobile number but his secretary said it was not policy to give out personal information of that nature. He didn’t seem to have any objections to me trying to find it out for myself however, and sportingly wished me ‘good luck with that one.’
Thursday is one of my favourite days of the week for a variety of reasons so I have been in a good mood all day. Actually I gave myself the day off and spent most of my time playing and having fun with Chicken and Big Rabbit. It was nice to have a break from the usual responsibilities which fall on my shoulders, and I believe I’m beginning to appreciate the wisdom of Chicken’s policy of not taking life too seriously. I will do some further research on the topic and possibly send a copy of my findings to the Council. (I may have to deliver some staff training on the topic at some point in the future, but that is quite within my capabilities as long as I am provided with a computer which has PowerPoint.)
Anyway; back to Thursdays. What separates Thursday from the rest of the days, is that this is the day the local community comes together to show its appreciation to me. As any man will tell you, relieving oneself whilst out in a public area can be problematic at times, and it is heartwarming to know that my friends and neighbours will go out of their way to make this a little easier for me.
Thursday you see, is Porta-Loo Day. Nearly everybody wheels out a portable toilet for me to use. They leave them conveniently at the side of the pavements and alternate weekly between the green, brown and burgundy ones lest I become bored. The Council always sends a large truck and a small army of men to help position any that are out of place, which is very helpful, if a little noisy. I try to wee on every single one so that everybody knows how grateful I am and nobody feels left out. It’s the least I can do for such lovely people.
Long live community spirit!
Today I was embarrassed in public by The Fairy and Chicken behaving in a totally inappropriate way with firemen. These people are professionals like myself, and they have a job to do. I’m pretty sure they did not appreciate being interfered with.
We exited the vehicle at the lake and set off in a clockwise direction. We hadn’t gone more than a couple of yards before Chicken noticed the firemen partaking in water rescue training, and wanted to go and see what they were doing. The Fairy actually pretended that she was being dragged against her will towards the water’s edge! I couldn’t believe it. The audacity. The pair of them stood grinning like idiots and wouldn’t move even when I tried to pull them away. I was mortified when our presence was noticed and nearly passed out with shame when The Fairy, in an attempt to stay a little longer, undid and then re-tied her laces.
That particular sham marked the end of my patience and I put my foot down with a firm hand and demanded that we move on. The rest of the walk was completely ruined by their inane chatter about how aesthetically pleasing some men are, which is shallow and highly disrespectful in my opinion. As if I hadn’t suffered enough, Chicken then turned the conversation to Klopp, who she continues to be fascinated by. I honestly don’t understand what she sees in him. I am willing to agree that he has some good points, but if it came to a choice between the two of us, he simply doesn’t measure up. I am obviously superior.
He only has two legs for a start.
A note from Chicken:
It is difficult hard decision. Who would you choose?
The Fairy’s head is a funny shape. It’s a bit lopsided. I hadn’t noticed it before because her fur usually sticks out in all directions. But today it is straight for some reason, which has exposed the lack of symmetry. I’ve had a quick look at Chicken and checked myself in the mirror and we seem to be unaffected. I’m pleased about this as I’d hate to have a big head.
Today has been quite productive. I rang Bob at the Council first thing this morning and explained my theory of illegal fracking compromising the stability of my trench. He agreed that this was indeed a real possibility and suggested (with quite an unnecessary amount of enthusiasm in my opinion) that from now on I should deal exclusively with Simon at the Department of Energy & Climate Change. This suits me fine, as it means I’ll also be able to register my complaint against the very strong winds that have developed over the last few days. I’m presuming that Simon can do something about this, as his job description clearly states he is responsible for the climate.
Chicken has fallen in love with the Liverpool manager, Klopp, and has decided to develop her football skills in an attempt to impress him. For some inexplicable reason, she thought I would want to do the same. Initially I resisted joining in, but I was driven to distraction by her incessant barking. In a flash of genius, I remembered the age old trick practiced by parents globally, of tiring out young children during the day in order to get them to sleep at night. For this reason I encouraged her to run at full speed around the garden for an extended period of time.
It worked. Silence is golden:
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, chick, chick, chick! I is up!
Big handsome Monty has all been playing with me all of the time and then he did kiss me once so he is my bestest boyfriend again. I is helpering him to dig his big tunnel but it is all a secret because it is a big surprise for him for Valentine’s Day, when I will tell him and he will be all pleased and kiss me again.
The Fairy started her New Year Revolutions yesterday so we is all having to get fit. She did get us two big playing balls but I think she has been ripped off because they don’t work. They all do nothing and The Fairy is pushing them about by hand. I is thinking she needs to get new batteries.
Monty says they are for him to use on his own in the garden, and he is saying they are not toys and they have been invented for weeing on but he misses anyway. The Fairy said we can all play footyball so we all did learn how to do it by watching Liverpool FC on the tellybox at the weekend.
The best bit I did see was Clipperty Klopp running on the pitch at the end. He was all being like me and one day I is marrying him.
It is silly game otherwise, because everybody tries to get rid of the footyball as soon as they get it, and they give it to other people on the pitch but this is silly. If I all gets it I is NEVER giving it to anyone else on purpose, because it’s mine. All toys are mine.
Also, they did forget to move the big baskets before the game did start, and every time the footyball did go near them it got stuck in the net and everybody did all have to stop and wait for someone to get it out. Everybody did shout loudly when this did happen but they still didn’t move them out the way. This did happen nine times!
If I had been a Liverpool supporter I would have demandeded my money back.
This morning Arky-Ollie-Just and I set out early for my trench site. We’d had a pre-dawn meeting to go over all the paperwork and discuss the history of the site. I felt it was important that he was in possession of all the facts before attempting an assessment. He listened carefully as I explained how the trench continued to grow in size despite the fact that I haven’t been near it in weeks. I am incredibly intelligent so don’t normally need any help with anything, but I also recognise when the opinion of an expert might be beneficial.
Arky-Ollie-Just asked to speak to any potential witnesses but The Fairy wasn’t in and I didn’t think anything intelligible could be dragged out of Chicken, so that was a non-starter. He then undertook a thorough inspection and called me over to show me something very interesting. Around the edges of the trench were claw-like scratches and some loose soil could be seen in the surrounding grass. He suggested that an animal of some description has been digging in it.
Because I didn’t wish to offend him, I thanked him for his input and told him that I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend his services to others. The truth however, is that I believe his diagnosis to be incorrect. NOBODY would dare to interfere with my trench without my express permission.
I am more inclined to believe the erosion is a direct result of illegal fracking being carried out somewhere in the immediate vicinity. I intend to mention this to Bob at the Council the next time I speak to him.
The Fairy has gone away for a couple of days and has left me in charge. Arky-Ollie-Just is here keeping us company and we are having a great time. He plays all the time and loves it when I take him for a walk. He also knows where our snacks are kept. Now it’s only an observation and not a criticism – because I do know that he tries very hard – but he is not very good at delivering said snacks efficiently.
He tends to hold the entire snack in his fist which makes it difficult to get hold of. Initially I simply indicated with my nose that I wanted it, but he didn’t understand so I tried to make it clearer by using my teeth. As he still didn’t seem to comprehend, I had a quick go at using my claws before jumping up at him. Unbelievably, he still didn’t get it. In the end, I decided to go the whole hog and head-butt him.
That did the trick.
At the moment it is dark and as archaeologists work best when they can see properly, we have postponed our planned visit to my trench until the morning. I will let you know how it goes.