Monthly Archives: June 2016

111. Swollen Eye Chicken – by Monty


Swollen eye Chicken

I have been occupied taking care of Chicken for the last few days, as she has an eye the size of a golf ball. We are not sure what has happened, but her teeth and ears seem to be fine. Her right eye is so swollen that it is nearly closed. The vet has prescribed antibiotic eye drops, metacam and a lot of TLC. I am taking my responsibility seriously, and being extra kind to her. I will be taking her back to the vet if her eye is not better in a couple of days. It does not appear to have affected her appetite, so we are hoping this means there is no hidden infection in the roots of her teeth. Time will tell.


Ugly Cat has re-appeared and has expressed an interest in our sloth enclosure. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay out of it. He told me that he would lead me to the field where he believes the illegal fracking to be taking place, in exchange for some play time in the sloth enclosure. I informed him that I could not guarantee his safety, and that I feel confident that I could locate said fracking site myself anyway. He said he would give me some time to think about his offer of help, and disappeared over the neighbour’s fence.


Work in progress 

More work is taking place in the garden, and the rabbit has escaped but has made no attempt to leave the area.

It really is the world’s most boring rabbit.



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

110. England Has All Left Europe – by Chicken

The English England footy ball team has been allowed to leave Your Rope. The other Iceland team did have to stay to do more silly footy ball, so I do think they is maybe all upset. Serves them right for not being good at giving the footy ball away.

My lovely Monty has all bought me another other present. He has bought me a pet bunny and I did go to keeper it warm in my mouth, but it was all sharpy hard and not fluffety at all and it is a small bit boring because it just sits in the same place all the long time. Monty said I all couldn’t eat it because it was a guest and I did say that I was just keepering it warm.

Then we did go for a walk up Bunny Hill and we did see tenty threety seven two bunnies all running around and Monty and me did want to chase them. We did have great fun jumping about but The Fairy forgot to all let go of the leads so we didn’t get to do too much fun.


Addering value to his house


My pet bunny has made his hutch pretty pretty with flowers, and Monty has been a gooder gardener and has watered them.

He is so cleverer at helping.



Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

109. Who’s Laughing Now? – by Monty

Bob laughed at me, PC Dave laughed at me, Pete laughed at me, Grandma laughed at me, Grandad laughed at me, Sister laughed at me, The Fairy laughed at me and Arky-Ollie-Just laughed at me most of all. Why? Because I insisted there was a rabbit in that hutch and they thought it was funny that I spent so much time staring into it.

But I did not let it affect my self-confidence. It’s all about having the courage of your own convictions. Build it, as they say, and it will come.

The Fairy moved the hutch into the middle of the garden yesterday, and by the evening the rabbit had decided to come out of hiding and show itself. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT. I absolutely knew I was right again. We have a rabbit.

Granted, it is not a very active rabbit. In fact, it hasn’t moved an inch since it first appeared. It doesn’t seem to need water or food or hay, it doesn’t respond to being poked, and doesn’t even need to blink. But it’s a rabbit, and it’s there.

So to coin a phrase: I win.


Am I right, or am I right?

Monty The Correct

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

108. Unity – by Monty

We went to vote on Thursday morning and I led the way. I entered the hut to register my presence, then purposely refused to remain in protest at not being allowed to vote. Whilst The Fairy and Chicken went back inside, I spent my time educating two nice ladies about the travesty of greyhounds not being given the vote. They were very kind and, I suspect, very impressed by me.

I spoke to The Fairy about buying us some new collars, as we had had the same ones for a while. I felt that it was time to upgrade, particularly as so much other refurbishment was going on around us. In addition to this, I feel it is time to show publicly that we are a unit. Britain may have left Europe, but I am not going to leave Chicken. Not that she would let me.

The Fairy agreed, and returned from a shopping trip with two fabulous collars covered in diamonds. Chicken’s is black, and suits her beautiful silky coat, and mine is dark brown with manly diamond bones on it. I knew Chicken would like it, but her delight surprised even me. In fact, she was delirious. Who would have expected her to be so excited about such a simple thing as a new collar? It must be noted that Chicken’s enthusiasm for life is having an effect on me, and I now have a better work/life balance. I take regular breaks from my responsibilities to enjoy playing with her, and we even sit together now.

On a more important note, the sloth enclosure has been filled with sand. Chicken jumped straight in it without hesitation, but I have decided to postpone my first exploratory mission until the relevant paperwork has been completed, as I do not know yet whether the structure has been officially approved. I’m not frightened obviously, it’s just that the last thing I need now is to be in trouble with the Council.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

107. I Am Office Alley Enraged – by Chicken

Yesterday in the day we did all go to vote and me and Monty did burst into the votering hut and frighten the lady and man, and then Monty did change his mind and did drag us outside again. The Fairy tried to makes him go inside again but he did say there was something important outside that he had to inspect. Two lovely ladies did stand with him outside and me and The Fairy did go back in to do the voting. When I did wake up this morning, Monty did all tell me that we is leaving Your Rope.


My enragement collar

I did say straight away that we had to go shoppering because I did need a bikini for when Britain moves to Panama, but Monty did say that we hadn’t decidered where to go because he hadn’t spoken to the government yet. But he did say that he had all asked The Fairy to buy a present for me from him, and I did get all excited.

The Fairy did just get back and I has got the bestest ever brand new collar! It is a special enragement collar from my Monty because it all has real loads of diamonds on it. Monty did get himself one as well and I did think that everybody will now all know that I am his fancy. I did jumps and running in the garden and then did sit with Monty on the settee. Today I is office alley enraged, and office alley happy happy.

I all does love my lovely, bubbly Monty bum bum!


Me and my Monty 

Happy Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

106. The Big Day – by Monty

Yesterday, work started on the garden.


Job 1

Job 1  Fill in the holes.









Job 2 



Job 2  Empty the holes to check whether they had been filled correctly in the first place. (They had.)




Job 3  Move the wood from one part of the garden to another.

I can’t work out whether The Fairy has actually built something, or whether she’s just made the effort to pile the wood up neatly. When I asked her she said it was a surprise. Ugly Cat said it was a raised bed, but Chicken said he was an idiot because a raised bed is known as a settee, and is always in the living room. The Fairy said it was not for plants, which leads me to believe it is a containment area for some kind of animal.


Job 3: Sloth enclosure?

We already have a rabbit, albeit an elusive one, and now I fear I am being asked to accommodate yet more wildlife. Chicken is hoping it will be a kangaroo so they can have jumpy jumping competitions, but I said a kangaroo could easily jump out of the structure, thus rendering it useless. It is more likely to be an animal that cannot jump, such as a sloth. Chicken said a sloth would be boring, but I said it would be a nice change from a hyperactive frog. She then went off to look for said frog, having totally misunderstood the meaning of my words.






We are all going off to vote soon. I have decided to attend to mark the importance of the event, despite the fact that I have been discriminated against vis-a-vis eligibility to vote. I may or may not register my disgust at this situation. I don’t ordinarily take part in demonstrations, but there is an outside chance that I will wee in the hut by way of protest.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

105. About Time – by Monty

I will be the first to admit that I never rush into things. Prior Preparation and Planning is my mantra, and this process should never be rushed. Further to this, it is essential that all Health and Safety issues be addressed and any elements of potential danger be assessed properly before proceeding with any activity. This includes such activities as going out into the garden, or getting out of the car. You can never be too careful.



You can, however, be painfully slow, as I have found out since taking up residency in my forever home. One of the reasons I chose to live with The Fairy is that I like a challenge. There appeared to be a lot of work to do in the house and garden, and The Fairy was obviously in need of a good project manager.

Much to my disgust, every project that I have put forward has been scuppered or postponed. My Trench Building Project was stopped by Bob at the Council, and my Mud Head Project has yet to see the light of day. The wildlife exclusion zone which incorporated the whole of my garden, has been breached with the help of The Fairy, who constantly entices wildlife in with food. Sink holes have appeared, and grass has disappeared, due to the illegal fracking activity in the area.


Waiting to be planted

So you can imagine my excitement when it was announced that finally, work could get underway. Pete Who Can Build Anything is coming in a couple of weeks to lay the patio, and plants and shrubs have appeared in the garden, ready to be planted. A large pile of wood has been delivered, but there are no accompanying plans, so I can only guess what is to become of that. Most interestingly, we now own a large rabbit hutch.


It can’t hide forever

The Fairy insists that we are not getting a rabbit, much to Chicken’s disappointment, but I am absolutely convinced there is one in there already. Every time I go into the garden, I go to check for it.  My record for staring at the hutch, stands at seven minutes. I can be incredibly persistent when the occasion calls for it, and the rabbit cannot hide forever.

The garden refurbishment is finally getting underway.

About time.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

104. And The Winner Is ….. – by The Fairy



Monty has won the Annual Shoplifting Competition, despite the fact that he hasn’t been with me a year yet.

I have always had to keep food out of his reach, and he is partial to rummaging through shopping bags, but yesterday he surpassed himself.

He found, stole and then opened a £10 pack of rump steak. He took a 400g raw steak for himself, and left the other one for Chicken. He was incredibly pleased with himself: no sign of guilt at all.

I had cheese sandwiches.

The Fairy

Categories: The Fairy

103. To Be Or Not To Be ….. In Your Rope – by Chicken

When we did have the sausages, the sausages were lovely bubbly but we did have to wait for them to go coldy. Monty did talking about going on a F.A.R.T. mission so I is all excited. Then everyone was all talkering about the Your Rope vote so I did go to do the digging.

Monty did then go on the iPaddy to register to vote, and did all realise that he all wasn’t allowed to, because he is a greyhound and then his head did fall off. He did shout and shout and did say that he had four legs and peoples only had two, so he did think he should have more votes than people, not less. He said it was the mostest importantest thing to happen in his lifetime and it is all disgraceful. I did know that our wedding is the mostest importantest thing, so I am going to kick him in the head when I gets time. Then I dids say that votering was silly, and Monty’s head did fall off again.


Listening to Monty 

He did stomp up and down yelling about the Surfer Jets, who did all loads of big fighting to gets the vote for women. He did say that I should thank them by always always usering my vote because they was all so brave. He did say that everybody should use their vote because we is all very lucky lucky to have one. I did remind him that greyhounds didn’t all have one, and then he dids say that he was going to be a Surfer Jet for greyhounds. I dids say that he didn’t have time before the big vote, but he did say that he would do it anyways, because ifs we leaves Your Rope, we will all have to vote on where we will go.

I did then say that it wouldn’t make a difference anyway, because the Polly Ticks People on the tellybox said so. Monty did say that I didn’t all understand it and I did say that I all did understand it and Monty did say prove it.

So I did say that it was all very clear, and we is all doomed. Ifs we vote to stay in Your Rope nothing will go right, and ifs we vote to leave Your Rope everything will go wrong. If we believe the big Polly Ticks People, Britain is all about to just blow away in the wind or sink into the sea.

Monty did just stand and stare at me for a bit and then did start talkering again, quickerer and loudier than normal. Then I dids find out that I all wasn’t listening to him anymore anyway, because I dids find out that I wasn’t interested. So Monty did keep gibbering on about Your Rope, and I did fall asleep. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

102. Burnt Foody Day – by Chicken

Today is a big important day because we is all having a Barbie Que. Clever Monty did tells me all about the big food being cooked on the fire coal and that doggies get more food than normals. He did say that it was the law that any foods which do fall on the floor, belong to the doggies. Sausages do fall a lot because they is difficult to hold. He said people like to burn foods over the coals because it all does remind them of when they were cavemen. I did ask him if greyhounds used to before live in the caves, and he did say we only lived with big posh royal people, and that our ant sisters wouldn’t be seen dead in a cave. Monty did say that he will tell Bob from the Council to all do the food burning, because he will be rubbish at keeping hold of the sausages and we will all gets loads more food off the floor. He is so clever. Monty did say he will all be in charge of the safety.

Yesterday in the morning, we dids find a new walk. We did walking on the path for a bit, and then on the way back we did walk through the woods up the hill. The Fairy did complain but me and Monty did enjoy it and then when we did come out the woods, we was all at the top of a steep hill. But there was a bigger tree which was having a sleep on the path. The Fairy did climb over it and then all of a sudden me and Monty was at the wrong other side of the tree. There was a gappy gap under it but it wasn’t very big, so I did jumped over it all easy because I is like a kangaroo. So then Monty was on his own alone on the wrong side.

Monty did wait for the man to come and all move the tree but he didn’t come and I did say hurry up slow coach because I dids want to all run down the hill. Monty did say he was all going to assess the situation first. So then he did look underneath but his big bottom wouldn’t go through. Then he did look over the top but it was too scary high. Then he did walk along it to see if there was all a door somewhere. Then he did check the angles and the wind direction and the temperature of the tree, and then The Fairy did say we would have to go back because she couldn’t all pick up a 36 kilometre dog. So I did say stop messing about fatty and get over the tree.

Then all of a suddens big, strong Monty did jump over the log and we was all pleased but Monty couldn’t stop so we all had to run down the hill. But I dids jump over the tree first, so I win.


Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

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