Posts Tagged With: Your Rope

213. What Am I Paying Her For? – by Monty

 

Honestly, I despair sometimes. All she was asked to do was produce a report about Brexit. If she were a member of the government and tried to pull a stunt like that, she’d have been fired by now.

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More important things to do?

Monty

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212. My Big Report About Breaks It – by Chicken

MY BIG REPORT ABOUT BREAKS IT BY CHICKEN 

Breaks It is I did see the mean polar bear. Monty did go out and he did do a big poo and it was standing up on its own and it did have a face and it was smiling and it did all look like a Easter Island Head statue.

I did wants to put a picture of it on here but The Fairy did say I all had to ask Monty first. My report.

The End

Love Chicken xxx

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211. Date Of Brexit Brought Forward Without Consultation – by Monty

Chicken and I would like to say that we hope you are all well and that we are glad to be back. Unfortunately, my first news is somewhat alarming.

It appears that Britain has already left Europe without the public being made aware of it. As second in line to form a government, I was both offended and outraged in equal measure, that I had not been consulted. A formal complaint will be submitted shortly.

Although Mrs May is yet to release an official statement, it is quite clear to us that the move has already taken place. I have drawn this conclusion based on the following:

1. We are now obviously much closer to Norway than we were last week.

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Norwegian weather brings Britain to a halt

2. Intelligence provided by Chicken.

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Intelligent Chicken 

I cannot lie. I was rather skeptical when Chicken told me that she had seen reindeer and polar bears on her night time walks, but she was very insistent. Apparently, they have taken up residence all over the estate without my prior approval. As everyone knows, these sorts of animals are usually found much further north, suggesting to those of us intelligent enough to debate these issues, that Britain has indeed already moved.

Chicken wanted me to go out – in the dark I might add – to see the polar bears for myself, but unfortunately I was tied up with the writing of my formal complaint.

I have promised her that I will have a word with a certain polar bear tomorrow, as she was upset that it had looked at her “all mean.”

 

She is rather excited as I have asked her to write a report about her findings which will be published here tomorrow. I judge her to be at Excitement Level 3 at the moment.

I have retired to my office.

Monty

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194. Last Night Of Being Normal – by Chicken

Trolly, trolly, trolly, trolly, trolly, troll, troll! BOOM! BOOM!

We is going to move to be living near the trolly troll trolls and they will like me and be my friends. When Britain does leave Your Rope and does go near to nearly Iceland and No-way, I can gets a bus to No-way and visit the trolls. Monty did say I could only go on my days off and I did say I can go all the days but Monty did say that today is the only last day that we will be normal because tomorrow in the morning we is going to be the Prime Ministers.

I did reminding and did remind him that he all hadn’t done any camping and he did say he didn’t need to because we was all going to win anyway so I is all excited. The Fairy did say that she will do my hair in the tomorrow morning and she did say that when me and Monty bum bum become the Prime Ministers that she will bake us a big cake.

And I did say, each? and she did say, each.

Then I did go to Monty and tell him that The Fairy was all making me two cakey cakes. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken

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193. Final Decision Made On Brexit – by Monty

As Prime Ministers, Chicken and I will be leading our exit from Europe. It is imperative that we have a clear direction in mind.

That direction will be North-east.

We had a thorough discussion about the best possible location, and after discounting all and any area which is noisy, have totally committed to taking Britain further north. Just off the coast of Norway to be precise. Chicken was a little reluctant at first, citing concerns over a frostbite epidemic caused by her bikini policy. I reminded her that once she is Prime Minister, she will be expected to perform at least one u-turn. It’s traditional.

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Our new neighbour 

The decision was based heavily upon information received from The Fairy, who said Norway was beautiful, warm and peaceful. She also said that although it does get very cold in winter, the weather does do what it’s supposed to do. That is to say that when it is supposed to be warm it is warm, and when it is supposed to be cold it is cold. It does not deviate from this. No changing its mind overnight, no surprises, and no showing off by trying to fit in every season of the year into one single day.

 

I did wonder whether we would be accused of not having really left Europe, as we wouldn’t actually be taking Britain very far. Chicken then put forward the idea that even though we had fully committed to moving next to Norway, we could change our minds at any point.

Indeed we may have to, if Norway complains about us blocking their view of Iceland.

To re-iterate our position then: we are fully and unequivocally committed to leaving Europe and relocating to the North Arctic Ocean and/or the Norwegian Sea.

Unless we change our minds.

Now that is what strong leadership is all about.

Monty The Great

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108. Unity – by Monty

We went to vote on Thursday morning and I led the way. I entered the hut to register my presence, then purposely refused to remain in protest at not being allowed to vote. Whilst The Fairy and Chicken went back inside, I spent my time educating two nice ladies about the travesty of greyhounds not being given the vote. They were very kind and, I suspect, very impressed by me.

I spoke to The Fairy about buying us some new collars, as we had had the same ones for a while. I felt that it was time to upgrade, particularly as so much other refurbishment was going on around us. In addition to this, I feel it is time to show publicly that we are a unit. Britain may have left Europe, but I am not going to leave Chicken. Not that she would let me.

The Fairy agreed, and returned from a shopping trip with two fabulous collars covered in diamonds. Chicken’s is black, and suits her beautiful silky coat, and mine is dark brown with manly diamond bones on it. I knew Chicken would like it, but her delight surprised even me. In fact, she was delirious. Who would have expected her to be so excited about such a simple thing as a new collar? It must be noted that Chicken’s enthusiasm for life is having an effect on me, and I now have a better work/life balance. I take regular breaks from my responsibilities to enjoy playing with her, and we even sit together now.

On a more important note, the sloth enclosure has been filled with sand. Chicken jumped straight in it without hesitation, but I have decided to postpone my first exploratory mission until the relevant paperwork has been completed, as I do not know yet whether the structure has been officially approved. I’m not frightened obviously, it’s just that the last thing I need now is to be in trouble with the Council.

Monty

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107. I Am Office Alley Enraged – by Chicken

Yesterday in the day we did all go to vote and me and Monty did burst into the votering hut and frighten the lady and man, and then Monty did change his mind and did drag us outside again. The Fairy tried to makes him go inside again but he did say there was something important outside that he had to inspect. Two lovely ladies did stand with him outside and me and The Fairy did go back in to do the voting. When I did wake up this morning, Monty did all tell me that we is leaving Your Rope.

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My enragement collar

I did say straight away that we had to go shoppering because I did need a bikini for when Britain moves to Panama, but Monty did say that we hadn’t decidered where to go because he hadn’t spoken to the government yet. But he did say that he had all asked The Fairy to buy a present for me from him, and I did get all excited.

The Fairy did just get back and I has got the bestest ever brand new collar! It is a special enragement collar from my Monty because it all has real loads of diamonds on it. Monty did get himself one as well and I did think that everybody will now all know that I am his fancy. I did jumps and running in the garden and then did sit with Monty on the settee. Today I is office alley enraged, and office alley happy happy.

I all does love my lovely, bubbly Monty bum bum!

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Me and my Monty 

Happy Chicken xxx

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106. The Big Day – by Monty

Yesterday, work started on the garden.

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Job 1

Job 1  Fill in the holes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Job 2 

 

 

Job 2  Empty the holes to check whether they had been filled correctly in the first place. (They had.)

 

 

 

Job 3  Move the wood from one part of the garden to another.

I can’t work out whether The Fairy has actually built something, or whether she’s just made the effort to pile the wood up neatly. When I asked her she said it was a surprise. Ugly Cat said it was a raised bed, but Chicken said he was an idiot because a raised bed is known as a settee, and is always in the living room. The Fairy said it was not for plants, which leads me to believe it is a containment area for some kind of animal.

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Job 3: Sloth enclosure?

We already have a rabbit, albeit an elusive one, and now I fear I am being asked to accommodate yet more wildlife. Chicken is hoping it will be a kangaroo so they can have jumpy jumping competitions, but I said a kangaroo could easily jump out of the structure, thus rendering it useless. It is more likely to be an animal that cannot jump, such as a sloth. Chicken said a sloth would be boring, but I said it would be a nice change from a hyperactive frog. She then went off to look for said frog, having totally misunderstood the meaning of my words.

 

 

 

 

TODAY IS THE BIG DAY

We are all going off to vote soon. I have decided to attend to mark the importance of the event, despite the fact that I have been discriminated against vis-a-vis eligibility to vote. I may or may not register my disgust at this situation. I don’t ordinarily take part in demonstrations, but there is an outside chance that I will wee in the hut by way of protest.

Monty

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103. To Be Or Not To Be ….. In Your Rope – by Chicken

When we did have the sausages, the sausages were lovely bubbly but we did have to wait for them to go coldy. Monty did talking about going on a F.A.R.T. mission so I is all excited. Then everyone was all talkering about the Your Rope vote so I did go to do the digging.

Monty did then go on the iPaddy to register to vote, and did all realise that he all wasn’t allowed to, because he is a greyhound and then his head did fall off. He did shout and shout and did say that he had four legs and peoples only had two, so he did think he should have more votes than people, not less. He said it was the mostest importantest thing to happen in his lifetime and it is all disgraceful. I did know that our wedding is the mostest importantest thing, so I am going to kick him in the head when I gets time. Then I dids say that votering was silly, and Monty’s head did fall off again.

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Listening to Monty 

He did stomp up and down yelling about the Surfer Jets, who did all loads of big fighting to gets the vote for women. He did say that I should thank them by always always usering my vote because they was all so brave. He did say that everybody should use their vote because we is all very lucky lucky to have one. I did remind him that greyhounds didn’t all have one, and then he dids say that he was going to be a Surfer Jet for greyhounds. I dids say that he didn’t have time before the big vote, but he did say that he would do it anyways, because ifs we leaves Your Rope, we will all have to vote on where we will go.

I did then say that it wouldn’t make a difference anyway, because the Polly Ticks People on the tellybox said so. Monty did say that I didn’t all understand it and I did say that I all did understand it and Monty did say prove it.

So I did say that it was all very clear, and we is all doomed. Ifs we vote to stay in Your Rope nothing will go right, and ifs we vote to leave Your Rope everything will go wrong. If we believe the big Polly Ticks People, Britain is all about to just blow away in the wind or sink into the sea.

Monty did just stand and stare at me for a bit and then did start talkering again, quickerer and loudier than normal. Then I dids find out that I all wasn’t listening to him anymore anyway, because I dids find out that I wasn’t interested. So Monty did keep gibbering on about Your Rope, and I did fall asleep. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

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91. Your Rope He’s On Songing Competition – by Chicken

Last night in the very late at the night time, we did stay up late to watcher the Your Rope He’s On Songing Competition. The Fairy did falls asleep for a bits and then did wakes up again for the results of the big votering. I did gets some gooder ideas for my wedding dress, and Monty did watcher it because it is ‘culturally important.’

Halfs way through, big Monty did nearly have a heart attack because he all did realise that ifs we leave Your Rope, we all will not be allowed to do the songing competition again. He did say this was ‘incomprehensible’ and then I did say stop using big words. Bum.

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Thinking about his song

I did tells him that it would be OK because Australia was allowed to be in it and they was all far far away so Britain could be in it forever because we is close. Monty did say that Australia had a special inviteration and Britain might not be allowed in ifs we purposely choose to leaves. He did say that the big econ mists tell people that money holds Your Rope together, but really it is the Your Rope He’s On Songing Competition. He did say that if the songing competition breaks down, all the Your Rope’s countries will drift off in different directions and would end ups in the sea somewhere far aways.

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Thinking about my cakes

Monty did say he was all going to write to Graham Norton because he is in charge of the competition, and tell him to keep Britain in it before something bad happens. He then had the bestest, brilliant, goodest idea and did say he was all going to write a song and be in the competition next year. He did say that Arky-Ollie-Just would play the guitar and that Bob, Dave and me could be the baking singers. I did think this was a good idea and did say I would bake some cakes to take with us.

I did say he could write a song about doing the wees but Monty did say he was writing it about ‘the need for co-operation and tolerance in the field of political and financial associations with a view to advancing unity and stability within an ever-changing world.’ 

I is going to writes my own wee song in case his is rubbish.

Chicken xxx

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