Chicken’s head has fallen off.
She has had some sort of verbal altercation with Ugly Cat which has left her quite distressed. By which I mean angry.
Best to let her calm down
I do not mind cats myself and have found Ugly Cat to be generally agreeable and, on occasion, helpful with regards my security work. He doesn’t often come into my garden, preferring to sit on the shed roof next door.
For some reason however, he has decided to associate himself with Ugly Kitten who is still rather small, despite being over a year old. Ugly Kitten does come into my garden – sometimes during daylight hours. Ugly Kitten has not yet acquired any dignity, nor self-control. I do not know what it is that makes him bounce off the fences and ricochet off various obstacles in my garden, but it is a sure way of getting oneself eaten.
To all cats everywhere, and to Ugly Kitten in particular, I offer this advice:
Choose a direction. Just one. Stick to it.
It’s not difficult.
Monty The Great
My upset Monty
Monty did get smacked in the face by a black cat. The cat was rude. We did all not know the new cat and it did come running up to us to say friendly hello and then it did just smack my lovely Monty in the face for no reason. Monty did pretending that he was not all upset and he was upset I does know.
I did go out to look for Foxy because Foxy lives in the field and I did want to ask him about the smelly ferret but I did not find Foxy. I has seen Ugly Cats and he does still look scruffy bum and he is still stupid smelly, but now he does not go outs in the dark dark anymore and I does not know why. I also does not care.
Monty has all been watching the news on the tellybox all the times because he does say the Brexit government is very quite important. I has decided not to watch any Brexit tellybox things because it does BORE MY HEAD OFF.
I is now going to look after Monty’s red face now.
Ugly Cats has been living with a ferret.
I did say to Monty that ferrets smell and Ugly Cats smells and he should all go back to his smelly ferret. Monty donty did say I had to be kind to him because he had all been out in the field and I did say bum.
At this Christmas I did sleep in the comfy big bed and eats nice foody food and gets lovely presents so I is happy. Ugly Cats is even more ugly than he used to be and now he has big scratches on him and scruffy fuzz hair. I did say it was his own fault for being next to a ferret in a field and Monty did say again that I did have to be kind, so I did tell Monty to go and live with the smelly ferret if he does love him so much.
Crinkle and me together is all thinking of a plan to get rids of the smelly ferret and Ugly Cats. They is smelly and ugly. BOOM! BOOM!
Crinkle Octopus and myself have had enough. I have had enough of the noise and Crinkle has had enough of the biting. Chicken, on the other hand, cannot get enough of either. I called a meeting today to discuss the return of Ugly Cat but Chicken refused to attend unless Crinkle be allowed to sit in. I’m not convinced that she was giving me her full attention.
Ugly Cat disappeared a while ago and resurfaced months later looking rather worse for wear. He spoke to me in confidence, saying he had been on a secret fact-finding mission to Brussels; his remit being to gather information about what is happening with Brexit. Apparently, he came away a pauper and had to make his own way back home, travelling by night and hunting for his food. This explains his dishevelled appearance and drastic weight loss.
He suggested that he and I form a top secret organisation with the purpose of gathering our own information about what is going on in political circles here. I told him that I would seriously consider it, but that I felt it to be a tall order. If he couldn’t find out what was going on from Brussels, how was he expecting to find out from Downing Street? I’m not even sure that any information exists.
For the time being, I have decided not to tell Chicken about Ugly Cat’s secret mission. She will find it hard enough dealing with the return of Ugly Cat, without adding the additional trauma of Brexit.
At the meeting, I told her that Ugly Cat had been living feral for a long time, but was learning once more to live in a house. I hoped this would result in her showing a little more kindness towards him than she has in the past.
BOOM! BOOM! CHICKY! Monty big bum bum bum bum poo!
The Fairy did go aways on holibobs without me and then she did go on holibobs and she did come back. Then she did say that she had all been to No-way so she did not go anywheres because when I did ask her she said no way.
I was all excited happy when she did come home and she did bring me a present which was a little toy of my Monty.
Monty did say Ugly Cats could be in the cabinet and I did say he should be all thinking about the big Prime Ministers jobs instead of choosing furniture with stupid Ugly Cats.
My new friend Monty-Troll wants to be in the cabinet as well so he can all scare Ugly Cats when he is in there, but Monty did say trolls were very not allowed to be in the new cabinet. So I did say that when I is Prime Ministers I is going to let trolls go everywhere and Monty did say that when I is the Prime Ministers that I will all have to be more grown up.
It is not me messing about looking in a IKEA catalogue doing furniture shopping for a cat.
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky!
Chicky, Chicky, BOOM BOOM!
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
I is back! I has all managed to steal the iPaddy off Monty donty wee foot.
Last nighty in the dark time I did go for a walks all on my own and I was with Arky. Ugly Cats did follow me and he did tell me that he was going to find a place to hide from the big wind because the big wind was coming. He did say that I had to all hide and I did say that Monty would all take care of me. Ugly Cats did laughing and did say that I all wouldn’t be safe if it was left to Monty. I did big barking at him because he is not allowed to say things about Monty.
Keepering my nose safe.
Then I did go home and I did tell The Fairy that Monty’s big wind was coming and I did have to hide. The Fairy did say that Monty’s wind would all be the same as normal and I would still be safe near him. She did say that he wasn’t all about to explode so I dids not need to worry.
I did some remembering and did remember that Monty did exploding in the garden when he did eat a whole big cake. When I asked Monty about his exploding bottom he did remembering as well, and did realise that he hadn’t had a big cake for years and years months. He did go off to the food kitchen to all find out where his cake was.
I did go off to all look for a gas mask.
Early in today’s morning I did go out for a walks and I was Miss Chicken. Then I did meets Ugly Cats and he did say he was all upset that he hadn’t been invited to my house for the special event.
So I did say he was not all coming to my wedding because he does look at me all mean and he does want to come in my garden and steal my toys. Then he did say he didn’t even ever know about my wedding and that he was all talking about Rudolf’s visit that Monty had arranged for my big surprise.
Then I did try to eats him.
Then I did go home and did kick Monty in the head and I did say to him get lost.
Then I did get married.
To my lovely crunchy gingerbread snowman new Christmas toy because I does love him more than I does love Monty and Monty is in the dog house.
Then Monty did all try to be nice to me and I did say …….
Too late Monty.
Mrs C Gingerbread-Snowman
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE ❤️
I did go for a walks in the dark and Monty didn’t come with me because Monty thinks the big noises come in the dark so he is scaredy bum bum. Ugly Cats did see me and he did look at me all mean so I did shout at him.
Ugly Cats did say that Foxy was all getting on everyone’s nerves by talkering about being on the tellybox and being a national treasure and he isn’t one. Ugly Cats did say all the wildlife did want Monty to get rid of him and I did say that he would. Then Ugly Cats said he’d believe it when he saw it, because Monty doesn’t all do what he says he is going to do.
I did big shouting at him because he is all not allowed to say bad things about my Monty. Ugly Cats did say that Monty said he was going to marry me and then he didn’t marry me so he is right. I did say he was wrong and then I did tell him that he was smelly and then I did go home.
Father Christmas and Rudolf is going to be at my wedding
Me and Monty did together do deciding and we did decide to get marry married on Christmas Eve and then I did have to go and tell Monty because he didn’t know yet.
Monty did say this was an acceptable proposition so I is all excited and I is going shopping with The Fairy to buy a new dress. I is going to invite Father Christmas and Rudolf to be at my wedding.
I is happy and Ugly Cats is smelly.
WEEEEEEEEEEING! HELLO WEEEEEEEEEEEING!
Hello Weeing was boring silly boring. Foxy did go everywhere and do weeing because he is trying to tell big Monty that he is the boss, but Monty can do better wees.
I did go outs with The Fairy in the night time walk a few days ago and Foxy did see me and did say that it was all his estate but I did say that Monty was in charge because Monty does do The Watch but Foxy did say, “Where is he then?”
So I did say that he was all doing big planning at home and he is very busy doing big planning at home. Foxy did say that he was taking over and I did say he was too little and couldn’t do anything. But then on Hello Weeing night Foxy did weeing everywhere and he is stinky smelly stink bum.
Ugly Cats did follow me and The Fairy, and did say that Monty did have to take charge again or all the cats would take charge but I did say they couldn’t take charge because they is all ugly. Then Ugly Cats did say that I did have to be a pilot to him because he had special magic powers on Hello Weeing night because he is a witch’s cat and he did say that he could all turn me into a frog or make my nose drop off. I did say get lost.
Then back at home I did tell Monty that Foxy did weeing everywhere and that Ugly Cats had turned me into a froggy frog but Monty did say I still did look like a beautiful greyhound to him. But then The Fairy did say, “Stand still, Chicken! You’re jumping about like a frog.”
Now I does have to eats Ugly Cats to break the spell.
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky!
Chicky, Chicky, BOOM BOOM!
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
Then I did go out for a walk in the late dark with The Fairy and I did wear my coat because it is all coldy cold at the night time now. Monty bum bum wee wee foot did only come with us to the end of my street because then he did say he did have to all go home because he was busy but I does know he is scaredy bum. When we did get near the big road, I did see the stupid poxy foxy in the field.
Then in the suddenly, Ugly Cats did jump up on the big fence and follow us. He did say that the smelly fox was looking for things to eat in the field and that I did all have to be careful because the fox would eats me. Then I did shout at Ugly Cats because he is stupid and I did say that I was not scared of the poxy foxy and that I could eats him and then I could eats Ugly Cats as well.
Researching Hello Weeing
Ugly Cats did say that I should calms down because we is on the same side of The Watch, but I did say that I was only on Monty’s side and we didn’t need him. He then did say that Foxy was doing big horrible planning for a big bad night of weeing so I did go home to my house quickly and tell Monty abouts it.
I did say that Ugly Cats did say he could eats me and then I did say that Foxy was doing a Hello Weeing plan, and Monty did say he would all do some research.
I is not scared of any silly Hello Weeing night!