Posts Tagged With: Politics

252. Britain Beats Every Other Country In The World – by Monty

Britain has won the Global Voting Competition, coming first in almost every category including: Most Frequent VotingBest Excuse For Voting; Worst Excuse For VotingMost Meaningless Vote, and Greatest Number Of Repeated Votes For Exactly The Same Thing. It was also awarded the Country Most Likely To Have Another Vote Before The End Of The Day trophy.

We are all feeling very proud.

We recently spent the day with Sister at Grandma and Grandad’s house, as I am supervising the building of a new pond. It dawned on me that whilst we see Sister, we no longer visit her house. I was perplexed by this, so surreptitiously sent Chicken to mingle with them to see if she could glean some information regarding this matter.

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Who wouldn’t eat the crumble?

I will not pretend that I understood everything that Chicken said, but she appeared to be reporting that Sister always has a fruit crumble in her house, and The Fairy is worried – quite rightly, I concede – that Chicken and I would eat it.

I have called a meeting with The Fairy to clarify some of the finer points. Sister is always so kind to us, that I find it difficult to believe she would object to us eating the crumble. If need be, we will have a vote to settle the issue of visiting Sister’s house.

Monty

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251. Hopping Monty – by Chicken

We did go for a walks and when we did go passed the house that doesn’t all cut the grass, we did see loads of hoppy hop grasshoppers. One did hop onto my Monty’s back and Monty did takes it for a long walk around the block. The Fairy did worry that it would be lost and lonely and I did say it was its own fault.

Then The Fairy did say she was all going to do work on the Mud Head and Monty was so hoppy happy that he did start hopping around the garden.

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My Monty keeping me safety safe

Then the Your Rope rubbish did gets worse and Monty did get hopping mad with it all and we did all ignore him. He is working on a plan.

The Fairy did move the patty chairs to the side of the patty near the fence and Ugly Cats and Kitten did use them to come into my garden and look at me all mean. I did tell Monty that they was being mean to me and he did stay next to me to all keeps me safe.

Chicken

 

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250. Stop Making A Meal Of It – by Monty

 

I’m sure that, like me, you are riveted to the ongoing Brexit negotiations. Chicken’s interest is now waning after an initially enthusiastic start. I can see her point. They are making it out to be a lot more complicated than it is. As far as I can see, we have three options.

1. Forget the whole thing, remain part of Europe whilst quietly dispensing with the whole silly democracy thing, and go about our daily lives with renewed energy.

2. Leave Europe but remain close by and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested settling the country just off the coast of Norway.

3. Leave Europe, put a large distance between us and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested moving closer to Panama where some of our tax revenue is held in off-shore accounts, but has recently changed her mind when she realised there would be many more 35 degree days.

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All round English hero

 

That’s it. That’s all there is to it and I really believe they should stop making a meal of it. If a meal is going to be made; let it be of steak and cake. Possibly also sausages and ice cream.

The Fairy and Chicken are both making plans to marry Ben Stokes, all round English hero. Yet again, I fail to see the attraction.

Two legs.

He’s only got TWO LEGS.

 

Monty The Great

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249. Build It And They Will Come – by Monty

Chicken has opened a GoFundMe account to help someone who is short of clothing. She has suggested that everyone who is willing to contribute should send some suspenders to a person called Doris. I suggested other clothing might also be appreciated, but she said it was only suspenders that were required. It warms my heart to see her being so kind to the less fortunate.

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Initial construction

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Helping with the digging

On the home front, great progress has been made in my garden. I had to put in a written complaint due to the inactivity of The Fairy which seems to have done the trick. She recently installed a luxury toilet for myself, which has unfortunately been hijacked by EVEN MORE WILDLIFE. It is almost as if she expected the wildlife to visit, as demonstrated by her building a stone escape structure for the hedgehogs. Does she really expect me to share my toilet facilities? She also made a serious error with regards groundcover, which I had to protest against, through the medium of wee. There is no place in my bathroom for gravel. Not with my sensitive feet. It makes no sense.

They came …

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

248. Constitutional Crisis Amid Clothes Shortage – by Chicken

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No suspenders available due to Brexit

Monty did say that Doris Bohnson has asked for some suspenders. I did go to look in the wardrobe but The Fairy did say that they would not fits her anymore so they would definitely not fits Doris. He does need to finds a different way to stops himself being embarrassed because there is all no suspenders in Britain because of Brexit. Nobody does want to see his pants.

The stupid kitten with Ugly Cats does keep coming in my garden. My garden is getting beautiful because me and The Fairy is doing work and the stupid kitten does keep coming to looks. Lots of lots of animals does come to look and I does have a new friend called Parsley who is my friend he is shy.

Monty did say it was all time to do my garden because it is a long time since we has no Mud Head. He does still wants his Mud Head.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

246. Laurel And Hardy – by Chicken

Today this morning I did gets a holiday postcard from Willy Tick. He is in Grimsby.

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Ice ice cake in my water bowl 

Monty donty bum bum did tell me that we does have a new Prime Ministers called Doris Bohnson. I does not care because I is too busy being hot. The Fairy did make me a ice ice cake in my water bowl but it did disappear and I did know it was Monty who did eating my cake so I did kick him in the head.

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Laurel and Hardy 

Laurel and Hardy the two pigeons does keep coming for water and food. Monty is complaining but I does like them because they do making me laugh. I did also see stupid Ugly Cats the other day yesterday and he did have a stupid other cats with him who was skinny and little and stupid and they did look at me all mean.

Monty did say that they wouldn’t dare come into my garden and he would keep me safety safe, so he is my big hero.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

244. Celebrated Greyhound Injured In Ladder Fall – by Monty

The first night of living our new nocturnal lifestyle has ended in carnage.

We began the evening with high hopes and a spate of congratulatory statements about our excellent plan. Not long into the experiment however, the heavens conspired against us and a wealth of thunder, lightning and heavy rain descended.

After one unnecessarily loud clap of thunder, I made my way carefully though purposefully towards my office where I had left some important paperwork which needed attending to. On the way there, I caught the wire of the fan and dragged it three foot along the carpet. In an effort to get out of the way, I tripped on the vacuum cleaner (why is it even there; it’s never used) and banged into a set of step ladders which came down with enough noise to drown out the thunder.

At this point I decided to abandon my foray into nocturnal living and went into the hallway for some peace and quiet and perchance to sleep.

When I awoke this morning I found that we have a new Prime Minister in the shape and form of Boris Johnson.

It is entirely possible that I have concussion.

Monty

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240. I Can Remain Quiet No Longer – by Monty

 

Government. Party leaders. Brexit. International relations. Diplomats. Foreign embassies. Salad.

Can life get any more turbulent?

I have been watching and waiting, but have thus far not received any official communication requesting my assistance with any of these pressing issues. I stand, as always, ready to spring into action should the call come.

What is required in these delicate situations, is delicacy. One must never underestimate the power of respect. Show respect to your fellow man and he will show respect to you. Remain discreet in order to gain his trust. Show restraint at all times. Associate only with those who share your good character and avoid those who revel in sensationalism.

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Back – with our usual energy 

For my part, I have a very small inner circle whom I trust implicitly. I would not make the mistake of sharing my private life with anybody who was likely to blab all to the press. That would be very remiss of me indeed. For example, yesterday I had to endure a rather unfortunate event involving a small animal of the insect variety. It was dealt with to my satisfaction in a very professional manner, and will forevermore remain private.

Now, I must go and find Chicken.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

238. Brexit Meeting Results In A Big Step Forward – by Monty

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Demand for sandwiches will increase dramatically when we leave Europe

Having scheduled my private Brexit meeting for 7pm last night, I quite rightly ordered refreshments from The Fairy. She agreed to provide food and drink as long as I paid her in advance, which I did.

As 7pm approached I was alerted to the fact that having accepted the contract to provide said refreshments, The Fairy did not, in fact, have any food available. She said she could provide sandwiches and sausage rolls the following day but I decided to recoup my money instead. Needless to say, I was furious.

Some might say it was my own fault for not thoroughly checking her capacity to fulfill the contract, but I would counter by asking: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD AGREE TO PROVIDE SOMETHING THEY KNEW THEY DIDN’T HAVE? She had no food. I say again people – NO FOOD.

Of my money, there is no trace. On top of that, Chicken was very angry that she had not been given a chance to bid for the refreshments contract and has filed a claim for compensation, citing lost potential earnings.

Despite these distractions, I got my meeting underway on time. I managed to push through a motion to schedule further meetings, which I’m sure you will agree is a big step forward.  Chicken said this decision is non-binding as it was not subject to any consultation process. For goodness’ sake!

Next she’ll be saying that Leave doesn’t actually mean Leave. It’s a good job she’s not in charge of the Brexit negotiations.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty

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Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

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