Don’t make me laugh.
Don’t make me laugh.
The first night of living our new nocturnal lifestyle has ended in carnage.
We began the evening with high hopes and a spate of congratulatory statements about our excellent plan. Not long into the experiment however, the heavens conspired against us and a wealth of thunder, lightning and heavy rain descended.
After one unnecessarily loud clap of thunder, I made my way carefully though purposefully towards my office where I had left some important paperwork which needed attending to. On the way there, I caught the wire of the fan and dragged it three foot along the carpet. In an effort to get out of the way, I tripped on the vacuum cleaner (why is it even there; it’s never used) and banged into a set of step ladders which came down with enough noise to drown out the thunder.
At this point I decided to abandon my foray into nocturnal living and went into the hallway for some peace and quiet and perchance to sleep.
When I awoke this morning I found that we have a new Prime Minister in the shape and form of Boris Johnson.
It is entirely possible that I have concussion.
My views on wildlife are well known. There is a time and a place, but that time is never and the place is not my garden. I am at odds here with The Fairy, who actively encourages it.
It will come as a surprise then, to hear me praising the hedgehog. There are quite a few who invade my territory on a nightly basis, bringing fleas and …… other things. Last night I was out late and had occasion to strike up a conversation with one such visitor. We passed the time of day and in keeping with tradition, discussed the weather.
It turns out that hedgehogs have an excellent technique for dealing with the heat of summer. They are nocturnal. Simple yet effective. I have been reliably informed that the only reasons hedgehogs come out in the day is if they are hungry, thirsty or ill. If you see one out in the daytime over the next few days, it will probably be thirsty and very appreciative of a bowl of fresh water.
I informed The Fairy who has placed additional bowls of fresh water around the garden. I also informed Chicken that for the next week at least, we are going to adopt the most excellent hedgehog strategy of sleeping during the boiling hot day and waking during the night.
Yes people – we are going nocturnal. All hail the hedgehog.
Teaching is a strength of mine. Yesterday morning I delivered some high quality training to Chicken about Fake News. As you can glean from Chicken’s post, I successfully taught her how to produce Fake News. The news she presented, was FAKE. Fake News. I’m sure that you will all join me in congratulating her on passing the course and writing an article which is of an acceptable standard, and FAKE. We will now move on and never mention it again.
THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RIGHT KIND OF BED
As you may remember, I have an electric bed which keeps me warm during winter. There is some dispute about the heat setting that should be used, though I think The Fairy has accepted that her choice of Level 2 is inappropriate, and Level 3 is now the ‘go to’ setting.
Summer is here so I have now taken delivery of a new bed. It is a cool bed full of cool gel and is of the correct proportions for an extra large greyhound. There are many different kinds on the market but mine is a Pecute one and works exceptionally well. As The Fairy says, it is of the upmost importance to keep dogs cool in extreme temperatures.
Other animals are available as pets, but dogs are the best.
Stay cool people.
Monty The Great
Monty had a tick on his willy.
The Fairy did take if off because she does know how to all take them off dogs and children and Monty did behave like a baby.
The Fairy did say: How did I get to a point in life where I is taking ticks off Monty’s willy? She did then run outside and throw it over the fence into Next Door’s garden. They was out shopping.
The Fairy did do lots of complaining about it and then Grandad did come and force her to cut the grass because he did say two foot is two foot too long for a lawn. I did say that I did always know that two feets is rubbish but four feets is best. Then I dids have to do loads of big work tidying up the garden and I does blame Monty and his stupid tick.
Arky Parky did do visiting and I did try to steal his beer and he did say NO NO NO and I did say BUM BUM BUM.
So I win.
Government. Party leaders. Brexit. International relations. Diplomats. Foreign embassies. Salad.
Can life get any more turbulent?
I have been watching and waiting, but have thus far not received any official communication requesting my assistance with any of these pressing issues. I stand, as always, ready to spring into action should the call come.
What is required in these delicate situations, is delicacy. One must never underestimate the power of respect. Show respect to your fellow man and he will show respect to you. Remain discreet in order to gain his trust. Show restraint at all times. Associate only with those who share your good character and avoid those who revel in sensationalism.
For my part, I have a very small inner circle whom I trust implicitly. I would not make the mistake of sharing my private life with anybody who was likely to blab all to the press. That would be very remiss of me indeed. For example, yesterday I had to endure a rather unfortunate event involving a small animal of the insect variety. It was dealt with to my satisfaction in a very professional manner, and will forevermore remain private.
Now, I must go and find Chicken.
Monty The Great
Today I led an outdoor excursion to the lake. My intention was simply to verify its continued existence and then to get straight back in the car for safety. I had no desire to walk all the way around it. I had no desire to walk a hundred yards. A noise could have occurred at any moment.
Recognising my decision, The Fairy decided to let Chicken off the lead to run up and down so she could get some exercise. Chicken has separation anxiety so always comes back. Like a boomerang. Separation anxiety she may have; brains she does not.
Chicken ran around a bit and then launched herself straight into the lake. She flew about five yards, overshot the shallows and sank like a stone. The Fairy was about to go in after her, when Chicken resurfaced and actually managed to swim ashore. She thought it was hilarious. I thought it was the most reckless thing she has done so far. Which I told her. Repeatedly.
On the plus side, we had to go back home straight away because Chicken was cold.
Chicken and fish do NOT go together.
Monty The Great
I often feel that the word remarkable is overused. As a case in point, I would draw your attention to my previous statement when I referred to my recovery from a serious foot infection as remarkable. It turned out to be anything but. In fact, the recovery was noticeable by its absence. I remained on antibiotics for 21 days, until another infection (located in a rather delicate area of my anatomy which shall remain anonymous) kindly took up the gauntlet and ran with it, necessitating a different set of tablets. Woe is me. I do not like to complain as you know, but I have requested an official enquiry.
Chicken has been extra kind to me during this time, and has greatly reduced the amount of noise she makes. She is still twittering on about her ghost cat and seems to be making new acquaintances on her evening walks. So far she has mentioned a German Shepherd puppy, an Akita puppy, a Pug, a Jack Russell and a toad. None of whom she likes.
Due to my confinement, I missed the opportunity to put myself forward for the Home Secretary vacancy which became available last week. I am always at home and I could very easily acquire a secretary, so feel I would have been the ideal candidate. Chicken said she would rather enjoy being my secretary, which would make her the Secretary’s secretary. We have put our plans on hold for the time being but remain hopeful, as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that the position become available again quite quickly. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about British politics, it’s that you cannot afford to blink.
Tomorrow I am overseeing some work in the garden which may involve the use of seeds. I am on standby to do any watering that may be required.
I have been all waiting for the Easter Bunny for days and more days but I has not seen him. Monty dids say the Easter Bunny is magic quiet so I woulds not hear him. I does not know why he is being all quiet because I does just want to play with him and take care of him and not eat him. Monty did say that dogs does not get chocolate anyways. Bum.
I am still doing looking after Monty and Monty is doing playing with me. He does get rough now that his poorly foot is not poorly and I does have to get out the way. Tomorrow is a special Easter day in the Easter time so The Fairy is making a special dinner. Monty does think we will all gets the special dinner as well even though we is still on the stupid diet. I am super excited.
Happy Easter to all you lovely people and doggies and other things. ❤️
Fear not people. I have made a miraculous recovery. This is to be expected given my thoroughbred, Irish lineage. We are made of steel. The Fairy was particularly impressed with the way I ran through the house upon my return, straight out into the back garden to take care of business. I am not sure if she was impressed with the running, or with the fact that I didn’t do anything inappropriate on the living room floor.
Upon returning to my office, Chicken began a programme of nursing which I am sure was well intentioned. Be that as it may, I still had to ask for help after a couple of hours. There is only so much inane, incessant chatter that one dog can listen to without becoming desperate. Especially in a state of semi-consciousness. I have no idea why, but I had nightmares about horses playing violins made of sausages.
Due to my remarkable recovery, I am now in a position to deal with the most pressing issues facing my unit. These range from phantom cats and dangerous cats, to garden vandalism. I am planning on drawing up some action plans in the near future.