Monthly Archives: March 2016

66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty


Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.


Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.


Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

65. Happily Easter – by Chicken

My favourite best thing in the whole world is toys. I is all lucky because the Easter Bunny did all bring me a new crunchy toy which is all mine. I did all make loads of crunchy noise with it for hours. Monty did get an orange blob toy and I did say mine was betterer than his.

But then it was not betterer than his, because his new toy is all alive so I wants it. I did remind Monty that I wanted to all have a pet first before he did, so he should gives it to me. But Monty did say that the Easter Bunny trusted him to look after the alive orange blob because he was soup area to me.

I will all have to just wait until big Monty all gets bored. Then I will have alive orange blob to myself as my pet. I is going to call him Alive Orange Blob.

Happily Easter everyone! Here is my new joke:

Two oranges go into a bar. One says to the other, “Your round.”


Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

64. Happy Easter – by Monty


Mystery Easter toy

The Easter Bunny has surpassed himself. As planned, I was up early searching in the garden. I’m happy to report that I am over the moon with my new Easter toy, and there is a letter of thanks on its way to Bunny.  This is one toy that I do not intend sharing with Chicken. Can you guess what it is?

I have dealt with the disappointment of receiving no chocolate, by ordering steak for tomorrow’s breakfast.

I hope that you all have a lovely Easter.


Categories: Greyhounds

63. All’s Well – by Monty

I have made contact with the Easter Bunny who assures me that he is more than capable of looking after himself. He said that there have been many instances over the years when people have wanted to keep him all to themselves as a pet, but as far as he can gather, he is still as free as a bird. He also said that he doesn’t usually deliver to dogs but that he would see what he could do this year, seeing as I had shown him so much concern.


Sunbathing Chicken 

Chicken is out sunbathing as it is such a lovely day, and I have already completed all my daily security checks. Although Chicken did not seek my prior permission before beginning her second trench, I have decided to approve it on the grounds of good workmanship.

The only fly in the ointment so to speak, is that The Fairy has put some dried grubs of some description onto the top of my wee station in an attempt to attract wild birds into the garden. We really are not singing from the same hymn sheet.


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62. Easter Bunny – by Chicken


The start of my new betterer trench

Monty did say that I all wasn’t allowed to dig in my gooder trench anymore and then he did all get grumpy about it, and stayed near it so I all couldn’t do it. But I is knowing what smelly bum Monty is like, so I did wait for him to get bored and walk aways. I then did go and start a new brand new trench so I did not dig in my old gooder trench, so Monty can’t all get shouty. My new gooder trench is going to be all betterer than my first one.

Today in the afternoon The Fairy did go food shoppering and when she came back Monty did check the bags for cake. He did tell me that people buy extra goody food at Easter and then he did tell me all about the Easter Bunny. I did say that I all wanted to eat the Easter Bunny but he did say I wasn’t allowed. Monty says everything is not allowed!

Monty said the Easter Bunny brings Easter heads made out of choccy chocolate and if I eats the Easter Bunny all the tiny people will cry, because then Bunny won’t be able to bring their heads. He says he is expectoring one as well, and I is not to ‘jeopardise the delivery’ of his choccy head.

The Fairy did say me and Monty is all not eatering any chocolate, so Monty isn’t getting his chocolate head anyway, which means I can eats the Easter Bunny. The Fairy then did say that she wouldn’t let me eats up the Easter Bunny either, but this is all not fair because I don’t gets to eat choccy or the Bunny.

I all did say I would just catch it and keep it as a new toy. So I win.



Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

61. Hill Training – by Monty


Sprint training

When I woke up yesterday I knew instinctively that something was amiss but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was not until Chicken and The Fairy went out into the garden to check the snail house that I could see what the problem was. The Fairy now has purple hair. There is some debate about a dog’s ability to see in colour, but it’s definitely purple. I do not respond well when a member of my unit is attacked, and as soon as I find out who did it, I will make sure they are incapable of inflicting this type of injury on anyone else ever again.


Chicken digging her own trench

With regards to training, I decided to take my unit out to improve the overall fitness level and stamina. Chicken gives me no cause for concern but The Fairy is proving to be the weakest link. The first activity I embarked upon was hill training. I tried to keep up a brisk pace and Chicken coped admirably, but The Fairy moaned and complained all the way to the top. This gives me great cause for concern as the annual fitness test is coming up and I refuse to have one of my company fail. She has a lot of work to do.


Guard duty

Upon our return, I conducted a short sprinting exercise which we all enjoyed. Chicken then spoilt my whole day by insisting on digging out her so called trench. I thought she had forgotten about it but she returned to it time and time again. I tried to tell her that Bob at the Council had not given her planning permission but she said she didn’t care. I had to stay on guard duty nearly the whole day to prevent her causing further damage.

I have invited Dave from the Station over at the weekend, and I do not want him to:

  1. Think that I cannot control the members of my unit.
  2. See a great big galloping trench in the garden which could be used for conducting some kind of anti-social behaviour.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

60. Don’t Tell Monty – by Chicken

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, chicky, chicky, BOOM! BOOM!


Can you see the baddy?

I did all watch Sherlock House on the telly box and did learn to look at things all carefully to works out who the baddy is. Then I did all read Monty’s posty about the new birdy toilet log thingy. Then I did all look at the pictures like Sherlock House and did all see the baddy that Monty missed. Can you see him too?

I am not going to all tell Monty because he will all just call another emergency meeting which is boring. He is already grumpy cross because nobody will listen to him about the ill eagle fracturing, and today I just wants to have fun. I am all going to practise my gooder digging skills.



Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

59. Progress at last – by Monty

The Fairy has finally decided to make my garden more interesting. Chicken and I love the fact that we can run around it without having to negotiate any kind of obstacle course, but it would be nice to have some features in it. I need to ensure that The Fairy doesn’t plan anything that will interfere with my Mud Head Project, but I’m sure she will follow any instructions that I give her. I am the project manager after all.


My new posh toilet

The first feature that she has put in for me is a rather posh toilet, which she has imported from Holland. It appears to have some kind of decorative top which resembles a beach hut. She twittered on about bird food but I really don’t know why. I would never allow her to do anything to attract birds into my garden due to the potential damage they could do to the already unstable grass/mud. She should know by now that I am very good at ‘restricting access to food sources’  where birds are concerned.


The reason why The Fairy should not be allowed to go shopping on her own

Further to this, she has also purchased two smaller toilets for me which are to go on the patio for the moment, but will apparently be moved to a flower bed when she gets round to planting one. I view these two with a little less enthusiasm than my main toilet. Firstly they will probably be harder to hit, as they are quite small, and secondly, they are ugly, if you ask me.

Chicken and The Fairy are beside themselves with happiness with the purchase, and are congratulating each other on their contribution to the rehoming of retired, injured or abandoned garden snails. Apparently, they are expecting these fictitious snails to take up residence in the snail house.

To me, it just illustrates the fact that The Fairy should not be allowed to go shopping without my direct supervision.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

58. A Day Out – by Chicken


Looking all beautiful at the big ocean

Yesterday we all did go to the seaside with Grandma and Grandad and Big Rabbit. It was the first time I was all seeing the sea and it was biggerer than anything else in the whole world! I did think that we went to the big ocean every day but Monty did say that was just a lake and not that bigger really.

There was lots of smelly things on the beach to smell and we did both smell everything. Monty did teacher me all about the waves and stones and then he did make a joke about the sea weeing, but I didn’t understand why it was funny that the sea weed. Monty did say that he doesn’t know why he bothers sometimes.


Monty looking after me when the big ocean chased me with its water

Monty said that the seaside is where people go when it is windy, because every time it is windy he has been to the beach. He also did say that once you are at the sea you are not allowed to leave until you have eaten something that comes out the sea. The people all eats fish and chippies but yesterday me and Monty and Big Rabbit all got a sausage each. I did say that sausages do not come out the sea because they is all made of piggies.

Monty did say he was pleased that I was all cleverer enough to know this, but then he said that I was not as cleverer as him because he also did know that piggies do swim in the sea.

I did say this was rubbish but Monty did say he had seen it on the Discovery Channel so it all was true. I did then ignore him and eat my swimming-sea-piggy sausage quickerer than him, and then I did eat half of Big Rabbit’s sausage so I had more than Monty so I win.


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

57. Time To Shape Up – by Monty

I have just finished speaking with Dave from the Station. It was necessary for me to report an intruder who threatened the safety of my unit. We were not in any immediate danger, as I was on duty at the time, but I felt it prudent to inform the police in case I need to borrow some equipment from them in the future.

At 0630hrs I conducted the first inspection of the perimeter fence. Finding nothing untoward, I retired to my bed in order to plan the rest of the day. Chicken reported seeing Ugly Cat jumping off the back fence, but she tends to do this every morning so I did not take her report seriously.

At 0700hrs we both went out again and I immediately identified said cat sitting on top of the fence, very close to the house. Chicken joined me in verbally attacking the cat, and then took it a step further by trying to reach it by jumping up. I attempted to dislodge it by repeatedly throwing my weight against the fence. The Fairy was very frightened of the cat, so called us in and closed the curtain. She applauded our attempts to scare it away, and said we had to leave it alone for a few minutes to give it the chance to walk away.

At 0715hrs the curtain was pulled back again, only to reveal an unbelievable situation. Ugly Cat had indeed moved from the fence. To my patio! It was sitting about six inches off the glass looking in. I rather believe it wanted to come in.

To the untrained eye, it could have looked like Chicken and I lost control, but I was simply following military procedure, and Chicken was simply following my example. When under attack, there simply is no choice but to come out fighting. Retreating is NOT an option. Our attempts at hand to hand combat were thwarted somewhat by the presence of the patio door, but I like to believe our show of strength gave Ugly Cat something to think about.

It doesn’t appear to be the cleverest cat in the world, because it didn’t immediately scarper. Chicken said it wanted to get her and her toys, but I said it was just a bit slow, and wouldn’t return once it had had time to think things over. Just in case it decides to attack again however, I am instigating a programme of training for my whole unit to ensure we are combat ready.

PC Dave said that there was nothing he could do at the moment as Ugly Cat hadn’t caused any criminal damage, but he did say that I had done the right thing reporting the incident. He said he would step up his patrols in the area and reminded me not to take the law into my own hands.

I reminded him that I am a professional, and assured him that I would involve him in any future operations. He said he would really appreciate that, as he didn’t have enough to do already. He is such a nice man.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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