Monthly Archives: March 2016

56. Why Don’t Tiny People Like Bread? – by Monty


Allowing Chicken to touch me

Chicken is, for some reason, convinced that she is now a film star. We went on our daily walk around the lake yesterday and she offered everyone her autograph. Most people were polite enough to humour her and the dogs that we met were very impressed. The ducks however, just laughed. I told them in no uncertain terms to go and jump in the lake. I have added ducks to my list of undesirable birds.

The tiny people were out in force. It appears that many of them do not like bread, as they had brought it with them and were throwing it into the lake and all over the paths. I never like to see good food go to waste, so Chicken and I ate as much of it as we could.

It has been very warm recently so instead of working we have been out playing. This has allowed me to keep the garden clear of pigeons and cats. I do not want my Mud Head Project being interfered with by the local wildlife so it is imperative that I keep an eye on their activity. I have decided to model my first mud head on Bob at the Council. I will need to contact him to ask his permission, as I do not want to fall foul of any copyright laws with regards to copying his face. The last thing I want is any more bad feeling between us.


Grandma made a cake

It was The Fairy’s birthday at the weekend so Grandma made me a cake. We all pretended that it was for The Fairy though, as we didn’t wish to upset her on her special day. I dropped my usual one metre exclusion zone with Chicken, and allowed her to sit on the large greyhound bed with me, in a display of friendship. She appreciated this act of charity.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

55. We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat – by The Fairy

Categories: Greyhounds, The Fairy

54. Leaving Your Rope – by Chicken

It is all summertime today so we did eats our breakfast in the big garden in the sunny shine. After breakfast I did want Monty to play with me but he said he had to all watch a polly ticks show on TV about staying in or leaving Your Rope. I did say that I didn’t want his rope because my rope was all betterer, and he did say that Your Rope was the place where we is, and not rope at all. Which is silly.

I does not understand why we are decidering whether to leave or not because I does like the place where we live. Monty did say that we will know in June ifs we has to leave. I did asks where would we go ifs we has to leave, and Monty did say he has already thought about that. He is always thinking cleverer things.

Monty says ifs we go north it will be all coldy, but ifs we moved to the side of New Zealand the weather might be all nearly the same. I did say we should go somewhere warmer and he did say we could go to the States of the United Americans because it is warmer and they all have loads of goody food.

I did want to stay in my house though, and Monty said we will move the whole of Britain so we can all stay here but be at the other side of the world as well. Then he did say that he would spend some time all looking at the atlas to check for alternative places, and ifs we has to leave Your Rope he will already have a “list of possible locations to discuss with Simon at the DECC.

I did say that I would help him and we all started looking but then Post Patty did come and Monty did stop looking so he could all go and open the box.


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

53. Monty Bum Bum Been In A Bag – by Chicken

Lasts night in the dark we did go for a walks in the night time. When we did gets to the end of my street, Ugly Cats was there all staring at me! Monty did go all brave and did stand in front of me to look after me. He is so big and brave. I did all decide to marry him again.

On the walks we did see five cats and I did tell Monty that Ugly Cats’ gang was following us, but he said they was all just outs socialising. I did checks the big garden before going to sleep and Ugly Cats was not there.

Today this morning it was all wet rainy and we got all coldy walking at the big ocean. We did walk in all the puddles and did not stop to sniffs at all the smellses because we wanted to get back in the dry car. I did see loads of ducks and they did say it was lovely weather and I did say get lost.


Opening the higher stinks

When we got home it was still wet rainy and we did see a strange animal all tiny, hiding under the car next door. We did go to look and clever Monty did know it was a froggy and then did show me how they walk by doing jumping jumps. Then we did go inside and he was all still excited and did go and find a bag in the big room. Monty is never leaving a bag alone and always goes in the bag and takeses things out. Monty did do this with the bag that he found, and then The Fairy did find Monty and then she did find the bag and then she did shout loudly to all tell Monty that he is gooder at going in bags. She did say in the bag was the new higher stinks and Monty did say it was good job he did all destroy them, because nobody likes a higher stink in their house.

Monty Bum Bum is so cleverer.


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

52. Phase 1 of the Mud Head Project Is Under Way – by Monty

Today I started Phase 1 of my Mud Head Project. A project will always be successful if the appropriate PPP has been carried out. PPP = Prior Preparation and Planning. My first job was to decide where to build my first mud head (I intend there to be three in total), and then mark this out in some way.

My first thought was to mark the spot with one of our toys, but Chicken took a dislike to this suggestion on the grounds that she didn’t want her toys being left out alone in case they were stolen by Ugly Cat. I then put forward the idea that she could stand on the spot until I was ready to start Phase 2. This was rejected due to the fact that it would necessitate her being on her own and separated from The Fairy.


Awaiting inspection 

I could not find anything appropriate with which to mark the spot as, for some reason, The Fairy has put every single useful thing in the whole house out of my reach. I really do not understand how her mind works sometimes. How does she expect me to operate efficiently without the right equipment?

My military training had taught me that in an emergency, use what you already have. The only thing that came to mind which was already present in the garden, was the consequences of the illegal fracking. The root system of the grass had already been weakened by the vibrations, so I decided to use this to my advantage. Churning up the weakened grass was incredibly easy, and we managed to draw a boundary around the proposed site for the mud head. It’s not as clear as I would have hoped, but I think with a little more work, the grass will be completely gone in no time.

Phase 2 will involve building up a basic mound of mud before any sculpture can take place. The consistency needs to be absolutely right or it will collapse with the first sign of rain. In order to check its credentials, we brought some of the mud into the house to examine later. Luckily, The Fairy had only just vacuumed the carpet, so there was a nice un-contaminated area to put it on.

Here is the footage of us marking out the boundary:


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

51. Bob, Dave, Duck And Chicken – by Monty

The last few days have been quite eventful. On Friday PC Dave from the Station turned up, asking to speak to me about a couple of incidents that had been brought to his attention. One of them had something to do with Porta-Loo Day and the Neighbourhood Watch. I couldn’t quite understand what he was getting at, but I believe that some of the people on the estate have been complaining. It is possible that I have been unfairly missing some of the portable toilets, so I will make an extra effort next week to use every single one. I don’t want people feeling offended because they have been missed out.


Monty showing his softer side with a flower

The other incident was entirely more serious, and one that I am particularly angry about. Apparently, Bob from the Council has put in a complaint about me! He has reported being attacked whilst on my property and Dave is now having to investigate the allegation. I made it quite clear that I did not injure Bob in any way, and went so far as to demonstrate how I had asked him to leave. As far as I am aware, there is no law against asking someone to leave your premises, using verbal communication only.

Dave agreed with this, but said I should guard against presenting myself in a way that could be conceived as threatening. He said that Bob no longer felt safe dealing with me, and no longer had any peace of mind. I told Dave that I’d give Bob a piece of my mind if I saw him again, and went on to explain how my planning application had been turned down. Dave sympathised but was very clear about how I should conduct myself in future. I agreed to behave in a more restrained way, and went on to tell him about my Mud Head Project. He was very impressed and said this was much more practical than a trench, which was my thought entirely.


Duck droppings on Chicken

On Friday Chicken tried to make friends with a duck but it ran away, so she had to content herself with rubbing her face and neck in its droppings. I did not allow her to sit too close to me in the car on the way home.

Yesterday we had a day out at Sister’s house where we came across a cat. I wanted to play with it but it ran away. Chicken insisted we had been followed by Ugly Cat and became quite upset. I explained to her that it was not Ugly Cat, but Talking Cat. It can say hello just like Sister! Extraordinary!

Today is Mother’s Day so we are visiting Grandma. If I have time later, I will write a letter of apology to Bob from the Council. I realise how formidable I am, and must take responsibility for my actions. It’s the right thing to do.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

50. A New Plan – by Monty


Chicken interfering with Arky-Ollie-Just’s assessment

I think Arky-Ollie-Just is a mind reader. He turned up just when I needed him most and spent a few days going over new possibilities for my garden. I was all for continuing with my trench, but Arky-Ollie-Just had a fabulous idea.

He introduced me to the idea of mud heads and moss art. It is a fascinating area of horticulture which I had never heard of before, but one that I believe I will excel at. To start with I will have to build a head shape out of mud, and then plant moss and grass on it so that it looks like part of the garden. Brilliant! I can’t wait to get started.

Obviously I am still angry about having to abort my trench building project, but I am nothing if not adaptable. Being able to recognise and respond to a crisis is what got me to where I am today. Did Captain Kirk ever throw the towel in? I think not.


Mud head. Better than a trench.

Chicken has indicated that she wishes to be involved in the Mud Head Project, citing her good digging skills. We had an interesting and informative discussion about which of us was better at digging trenches, and in the end I think that she was able to see that I was superior. I was looking forward to the 29th of February, but had to spend the whole day trying to explain to her how it was that we had an extra day. I’m not convinced it was worth it.

I am now in the process of planning my Mud Head Project in my head. Arky-Ollie-Just has agreed to be my assistant, and I may employ Chicken on a casual basis once construction begins.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

49. I Wants My Extra Time Every Year – by Chicken

Yesterday was all an extra special day because it was an extra day. I was all going to do good funner things with my extra day and then do all good funner things with my extra day nextest week as well. But Monty did all spoil it by saying I wasn’t allowed an extra day again for another four years! He spoilses everything.


Me myself having funner extra day

He did gibber on about every year getting a quart test day more but they won’t let us all have it so they save it up and give us it all in one go every four years and I did say this was unfair and I did want my extra quart test every year from now on. Monty did say I couldn’t do that because then there would be a day that ended before I got up and then we got all in an argument because he is always talkering rubbish that I don’t understand.

Monty is all grumpy because he did his trench wrong and I did remind him that my betterer trench was not near the fence so I win. Then Monty did go all more grumpy and I did keeps going with my extra fun day being extra happy.

Monty did go in his bed and did say he was all having to work on his new plan for my garden, but I do know that he was all sulking.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

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