Posts Tagged With: DECC

121. Too Hot To Declare A Severe Weather Warning – by Monty

I was planning on declaring a Severe Hot Weather Warning, but it was too hot. I heard that government departments had been re-shuffled and I cannot quite work out what has happened to the Department of Energy and Climate Change. If it has been abolished, that would fully explain why the sun now thinks it can do whatever it wants. In my opinion, the sun needs to reign in its enthusiasm.

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Big Rabbit forgot half her hair

Big Rabbit came to spend the day with us, and we all had a great day inside, drinking cold water and keeping very still. Chicken and Big Rabbit had a long conversation about cats, which I didn’t get involved in. Chicken now feels she is armed with a lot of useful information about keeping cats out of the garden. Big Rabbit has a Doctorate in Cat Detection and Expulsion. She went home after tea, but for some inexplicable reason, left half of her hair here. It is too hot to work out why.

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Monty The Great BAHons First Class

Yesterday was an excellent day. Arky-Ollie-Just turned up and we were all extremely happy to see him. He let me wear his special hat, so I believe I am his favourite. I took him into my back garden to discuss the patio and to show him some of the work that I had been doing. We lasted about 30 seconds and then came back inside to sit by the fans. About half an hour after he arrived, he spilt half a tin of red paint on the carpet. On the plus side, he has shown an interest in my long forgotten Trench Building Project, which he says we can revitalise.

I spent most of the day in conversation with him, and taught him how to give Chicken and I treats. I explained the rules of the house and when it was nearly dark, took him out to show him around the estate. Grey Cat showed up, which sent Chicken into a spin.

I’m not quite sure how Arky-Ollie-Just fits into the household. The Fairy is in charge, but Arky-Ollie-Just is bigger. I will have to watch closely over the next few days to assess this situation. It may mean that our unit is going to experience a re-shuffle. I hope the Department of Sausages and Steak survives.

Monty

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113. It’s England And It’s July, So… – by Monty

Chicken’s eye is much better today, so I feel able to concentrate on other matters. I tried to contact Simon at the DECC but there was no answer on his office phone, so I rang him at home. I presented my concerns about the recent bouts of heavy rain to him in a concise and respectful manner, but he said he had bigger things to think about at the moment. Apparently, his boss has applied for another job and he might be in line for promotion if she gets it.

I checked various websites, and found quite a few vacancies in both the Conservative and Labour camps. I decided to apply initially for the job of Prime Minister, and in the event that I don’t get it; for the top job in the Opposition. Chicken said she liked the idea of me being the boss of the whole country, as long as it didn’t interfere with the amount of attention I gave her.

The Fairy said that isn’t how it works, and that I should pick a side that I agree with and believe in, and then stick to it. She said that I couldn’t go changing my mind willy-nilly with something as important as politics.

Which shows how much she knows.

Monty

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83. Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter – by Monty

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Disgusting object

Chicken went out early this morning, and reappeared seconds later with something in her mouth. She dropped it on the carpet when she tried to speak with her mouth full, and I snatched it up and ran into the kitchen with it, which was where The Fairy cornered me. Chicken was furious and demanded that I do something about it, stating that it was a nasty trick played by Ugly Cat. I had already lost interest though, having realised I couldn’t eat it. Also, I am more inclined to believe it was an uncoordinated seagull which had simply dropped its breakfast. I promised Chicken that I would confront Ugly Cat at the first opportunity though, as I do have responsibility for security.

I felt it necessary to ring Simon at the Department of Energy and Climate Change yesterday, to complain about the constantly changing climate.  I explained how it was affecting Chicken’s ability to judge her wardrobe for the day, and how much I disliked the rain. Yesterday we set out in the sunshine, and yet again got wet unexpectedly. As far as I’m concerned, that was the whole day ruined.

He couldn’t quite believe that he was speaking to me again, and quite clearly said, “I give up.” I told him this was not the attitude to take, as everyone was relying on him. Inexplicably, he asked me if I was working for a newspaper to which I replied in the negative. I have to say he was very helpful on this occasion, promising warmer weather to come. I thanked him for this, adding that Chicken and I would be able to plan our days more efficiently now that he was going to improve the climate.

I have been so focused on my work recently, that I haven’t paid much attention to my home life. The recent wet weather has meant that we have played more in the house, and when I stopped for a minute to think about it, this has become rather enjoyable. Chicken is now much more willing to allow me to play with my own toys, and we can get through a whole five minutes of frolicking around without the inclusion of teeth and nails. It is all becoming rather good fun.

We recently embarked on one such energetic play session straight after eating, despite warnings from The Fairy. I should have listened, because moments later I was struck down with a serious case of synchronous diaphragmatic flutter. Chicken called it hiccups but I always insist on the correct medical terminology where my ailments are concerned. After ascertaining that this was not dangerous, The Fairy and Chicken spent some time laughing at me. Though both of them gave me big kisses afterwards to help me feel better, and Chicken came to sit next to me.

Simon has been true to his word, and it is warmer today and sunny. I am taking my unit out for a walk, and later intend to do some more work securing the garden. Ugly Cat has taken to sitting on the shed next door and watching us, so now is not the time to be complacent, particularly considering the disgusting object situation which occurred this morning.

Monty

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70. Tax Evasion By Chicken – by Monty

Chicken has decided to stash all her toys in an off-shore investment fund in Panama. She has heard on the news that this is where people can keep things safely hidden from the government, and by extension, Ugly Cat.

She has been unsettled since her recent altercation with Ugly Cat, and is convinced that he will take her toys. I reassured her that the cat wasn’t ever going to take her things, but she remained unconvinced. I tried to calm her down by promising to protect her property, but she wouldn’t shut up about finding the best hiding place. In the end, I had to ring Simon from the DECC to get some further information.

I asked Simon if it were true that Panama is the best place to hide things. I think he must be very busy at the moment, as he had forgotten who I am, asking if I was some kind of comedian. He then went on to say that he had nothing to say on the matter. Total waste of time.

Later today I am going to contact Grandad, with a view to setting up a meeting with him to discuss the construction of a safe box for Chicken to use. I anticipate this being quite an interesting project.

Panama has been added to my list of possible locations to move Britain to, in the event of us having to leave Your Rope. It’s a beautiful part of the world, and we’d be closer to our tax revenue, should we ever need it.

Monty

 

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67. Emergency Meeting – by Monty

Minutes of the emergency meeting called Friday 1st April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council, Simon from the DECC. Reasons given:

  • Arky-Ollie-Just: history related activities
  • PC Dave: chasing a dinosaur through the town centre
  • Bob: on family holiday
  • Simon: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob.

Item 2

It was felt necessary to discuss the absence of PC Dave, due to the fact that Chicken could not concentrate knowing there was a dinosaur in the vicinity. The Chairman (Monty The Great) reassured her that PC Dave would deal with it and that no people or animals were in any danger. The Fairy put forward a proposal that it was an April Fools joke, but this was dismissed by the Chairman on the grounds that police officers never joke about public safety.

Item 3

The unexplained hole was explained by the Chairman as being the result of illegal fracking. The Fairy submitted a second proposal, suggesting Chicken was responsible. Chicken denied this, proposing instead that we blame Ugly Cat. As Ugly Cat was not present at the meeting to defend itself, the motion that the hole is the result of illegal fracking stands.

Item 4

Appropriate behaviour during meetings was discussed. The Chairman made clear that instances of inappropriate behaviour would not be tolerated. These include: shouting, snorting, spitting, sulking, getting up to make coffee, bringing unauthorised toys to the table, answering a Skype call from Grandma and Grandad, and disagreeing with the Chairman.

Item 5

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close due to extended periods of inappropriate behaviour. It was noted that Alive Orange Blob had behaved impeccably and was therefore voted in as Vice Chairman, despite objections from The Fairy and Chicken.

The Chairman resolved this issue by drawing their attention to the last example of inappropriate behaviour listed in Item 4.

Item 6

The date of the next meeting was set for Friday 8th April 2016.

Meeting abandoned at 1430 hrs.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

 

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66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty

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Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.

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Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.

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Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.

Monty

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54. Leaving Your Rope – by Chicken

It is all summertime today so we did eats our breakfast in the big garden in the sunny shine. After breakfast I did want Monty to play with me but he said he had to all watch a polly ticks show on TV about staying in or leaving Your Rope. I did say that I didn’t want his rope because my rope was all betterer, and he did say that Your Rope was the place where we is, and not rope at all. Which is silly.

I does not understand why we are decidering whether to leave or not because I does like the place where we live. Monty did say that we will know in June ifs we has to leave. I did asks where would we go ifs we has to leave, and Monty did say he has already thought about that. He is always thinking cleverer things.

Monty says ifs we go north it will be all coldy, but ifs we moved to the side of New Zealand the weather might be all nearly the same. I did say we should go somewhere warmer and he did say we could go to the States of the United Americans because it is warmer and they all have loads of goody food.

I did want to stay in my house though, and Monty said we will move the whole of Britain so we can all stay here but be at the other side of the world as well. Then he did say that he would spend some time all looking at the atlas to check for alternative places, and ifs we has to leave Your Rope he will already have a “list of possible locations to discuss with Simon at the DECC.

I did say that I would help him and we all started looking but then Post Patty did come and Monty did stop looking so he could all go and open the box.

Chicken

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41. A Good Start To The Day – by Monty

I have worked out what pleases The Fairy most by watching her interaction with Chicken. Chicken makes loads of mess with her blood all over the walls; The Fairy spends four hours cleaning it up; Chicken gets extra hugs and kisses by way of thanks. Obviously, The Fairy was thanking her for providing the extra housework. Now that I have worked this out with my superior intellect, I intend to act upon it.

Today I got up at half past five and indicated that I wished to go out into the garden. But because it was raining, I decided against relieving myself outside. There really isn’t any point taking risks when it is not necessary. Also, I scored my first points of the day by giving her the satisfaction of cleaning it up. I’m not quite sure how the payment system works yet, as I didn’t get my extra cuddle straight away.

After breakfast, I rang Bob at the Council and told him we needed to have an urgent meeting about the planning permission for my trench. I think that like Simon at the DECC, he has also been on holiday because he said at least he’d had a break for a couple of weeks. He went on to say that my application was in the system and all I could do was wait, and that there really wasn’t any point in me ringing him, as there was nothing he could do to speed up the process.

I told him that in order for Simon at the DECC to investigate the illegal fracking, I needed an incident number from PC Dave at the station, and I couldn’t get that until I had planning permission in place for the trench.

Bob was astonished that I had managed to speak to Simon at the DECC and stunned into silence when I informed him that I had used Simon’s private mobile. He became quite anxious about this and asked if his name had been mentioned during the conversation. I had to admit that I had neglected to tell Simon at the DECC that Bob at the Council had recommend I ring him. I apologised and told Bob that I would ring Simon back and let him know.

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Chicken’s bandaged tail

For some reason, (I suspect modesty) Bob begged me never to implicate him and said that if I keep his contribution secret, he would do everything in his power to speed up the planning application. He also said that as the trench was still in fact just a hole, the police wouldn’t really be interested in the paperwork anyway, and I should go ahead and call them back.

I told him that I didn’t want PC Dave turning up at my house until The Fairy had cleaned all the blood off the walls. He said he would ring me back.

I am very pleased at how the day has started.

Monty

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36. Further action needed – by Monty

I have been very successful at keeping the birds out of my garden. The brown bird has only appeared once but there have been two unauthorised fence landings by a rather overweight pigeon, which is worrying. In addition to this, a mouse tried to gain entry under the fence, but soon scarpered when it spotted me.

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Information gathering at the local wildlife reserve

I say that I have been very successful, as Chicken is being no help at all. She has gone off at a tangent and is insisting that an ugly cat is targeting her. I have seen no evidence of a cat in my garden, nor do I believe I ever will. The local wildlife has no doubt circulated my photo by now, along with a warning about how formidable I am. I do not anticipate any wildlife related problems at the moment, though I do need to keep my eye on that pigeon.

There is only so much that one dog can do, and I’m in danger of becoming overwhelmed with responsibility. I cannot hold the fort in my back garden at the same time as investigating the illegal fracking, and chasing up the planning permission for my trench. There simply is too much paperwork involved. For this reason, I decided once more to contact Simon at the DECC.

Apparently, his secretary has resigned and left by mutual agreement. I have to say, the office seems to be very efficient, as the new secretary had already been made aware of me, though she used the word ‘warned’ by mistake. She said that Simon was unable to help me unless I had an incident number from the local police. I thanked her for this information and said I would report the illegal fracking to them.

I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.

Monty

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29. Clear evidence of illegal fracking – by Monty

I absolutely knew I was correct. There is, in my professional opinion, indisputable evidence that illegal fracking is taking place in the locality and it is having a direct, detrimental effect on my back garden. I intend to present my evidence to Simon at the DECC as soon as I have compiled a full report.

Although I haven’t felt them myself, there have obviously been quite strong earth tremors occurring. These have been strong enough to cause the football to roll into my trench. I have taken photographs from several different angles as I may need to present them as evidence in court at a letter date.

In addition to this, a new sinkhole has appeared in a different area of the garden and I have serious concerns about the foundations of the house, as it is only about one yard from the outer wall of my bedroom. Chicken was barking some rubbish at me about ownership of the site, so I had to enlighten her to the fact that nobody can claim ownership of a hole as, by definition, there’s nothing there. Ref: Arky-Ollie-Just January 8, 2016. GIC Press. 

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Exhibit A

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Exhibit B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last clue suggesting underground disturbance is a lot more subtle, and could have easily been missed by someone less astute than myself. Luckily, I have an interest in, and extensive knowledge of agrostology, which is the scientific study of grasses. When I first moved in, the back garden was covered in thick, healthy grass. In recent times however, the quality and quantity have reduced dramatically and I believe this is due to root damage, caused by underground vibrations. This deterioration began at the same time as the erosion to my trench, which I believe lends credibility to my illegal fracking theory.

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Exhibit C

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Exhibit D

Interestingly, though of no importance, it also coincides with the arrival of Chicken.

Monty BSc

 

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