Posts Tagged With: Arky-Ollie-Just

241. Monty’s Private Bits – by Chicken


Monty had a tick on his willy.

The Fairy did take if off because she does know how to all take them off dogs and children and Monty did behave like a baby.

The Fairy did say: How did I get to a point in life where I is taking ticks off Monty’s willy? She did then run outside and throw it over the fence into Next Door’s garden. They was out shopping.


So close, yet …….

The Fairy did do lots of complaining about it and then Grandad did come and force her to cut the grass because he did say two foot is two foot too long for a lawn. I did say that I did always know that two feets is rubbish but four feets is best. Then I dids have to do loads of big work tidying up the garden and I does blame Monty and his stupid tick.

Arky Parky did do visiting and I did try to steal his beer and he did say NO NO NO and I did say BUM BUM BUM.

So I win.


Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

144. Disproportionate Reaction – by Monty

I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.


Total over-reaction 

In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.

I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.

He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

137. Hotty Botty Scary Day – by Chicken


Wet tea-towel competition 

In the last few big days it has been hotty botty hot hot. We did sit near Monty’s fans and do the drinking a lot. Then The Fairy was bored so decidered to dress us up, but she did forget to dry the clothes first so they was all wet and cold. Monty did say he was all happy to wear posh costume-made coats, but wasn’t going to put up with being made to wear a tatty old wet tea-towel. Then he did go into his den under the big table and take it offs, so I did take mine offs as well.

Very early I did see Ugly Cats on the fence so I did go to tells him off. He did say that he had been out all night and it was still too warm for him. Then he did say that he needed to speak to big Monty about a scary key. I did say that Monty wouldn’t all speak to anyone who had been out on the tiles all night, and that he was in his den anyways.

Ugly Cats did say he had not been out having fun on the tiles, but that he had been out doing scary key work. I did tell him he was not allowed to talk to my Monty about scary things because then Monty does get scared.


I don’t care if it’s good for me; I’m not wearing THAT

Then big Arky did comes out and stupid Ugly Cats did turn all fluffy and soft and stupid cutie-pie with his face. Arky did tickle him behind his ears and Ugly Cats did make stupid purry noises. I did tell Arky that I did need my ears rubbing but he didn’t hear me, so I did go to tell Monty.

Monty did say he would ask The Fairy when he got up, but he did have a sneaky suspicion that Arky was a cat person.

Then I did think abouts this and then I dids look at Arky and then I dids think he does have a lots of hair and then I dids think he might turn into cats! So I did use the iPaddy and did finds out that some people are half people and half wolf and then I dids go to gets into Monty’s den.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

135. The Return Of Ugly Cat – by Monty

Yesterday morning, Chicken launched herself into the garden without doing a pre-launch safety assessment. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: you can’t just go out into the garden without checking that the coast is clear. If you don’t look before you leap, you are bound to be taken off guard.


Unraveling a ball of string event 

On this particular occasion, Chicken was stunned to find Ugly Cat sitting on the wall of my digging pit. She was so surprised, that she ran around in circles, shrieking hysterically in shock. This was fortunate for Ugly Cat, who was able to jump to safety on the fence without too much difficulty. Chicken then came to her senses and tried to reach the cat by jumping at the fence, until I firmly reminded her of her promise to be nicer to Ugly Cat.

To her credit, she did then welcome him back before chattering on about our Independent Olympics. Ugly Cat seemed very interested, and regaled us with stories of his own athletic ability. Apparently, he had been a champion tree climber in his youth, and could not be beaten in any activity which involved a ball. Of string.

Chicken then took off in search of a ball of string, whilst I spoke to Ugly Cat about his absence. It turned out that his unit had gone abroad on holiday, and that Ugly Cat had been put into kennels after flatly refusing to get on the plane. I congratulated him on his decision, citing extreme heat as a good reason for not going, which he agreed with.

He then said that he would be willing to judge a ball of string unraveling competition, as part of our Independent Olympic Games. Chicken re-appeared at this moment, with a ball of string which she had stolen from Arky-Ollie-Just. After a brief explanation of the rules, we set about unraveling it.

Chicken wrapped it around my digging pit a couple of times, before I took over and did the same. It was one of the most enjoyable events of the whole Games, which we both received a gold medal for, as Ugly Cat said he couldn’t separate us with the scoring.

I did feel it necessary to speak to The Fairy about the state of the athletics field, which is deteriorating rapidly. She said that the only way to improve it was to ban all competitors from going on it, so I withdrew my complaint and beat a hasty retreat before she had time to put the ban in place.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

133. Monty’s In The Dog House – by Chicken


In the dog house

My beautiful Monty big bum is in the dog house. He has all done the big weeing in the pit and I did win the digging competition and I is not going back in the pit.

We did do some more Limpets this morning, and Monty donty did win three useless sports medals.

First he did win the getting up first in the morning competition (5.01am).

Then he did get an extra medal for winning the waking up The Fairy for no good reason at 5.01am as well, when I didn’t even want to go out anyway because it’s raining cat gory (5.01am).

Then he did win the how many times can we get The Fairy to open the slidy door before 6am for no good reason because I didn’t want to go out anyway because it’s raining section (4).

Today we was all going to do the aqueducts, but it is rainy rain outside so Monty did say we hads to wait because he didn’t want to gets wet. I is looking forward to this bit, because I does love the water and I will win all the swimming competitions in my paddling pool. I have warned Monty that I will know what he’s done ifs the water turns green.

Monty did say that he was having a break from doing the Limpets because he all did have to finish the engine near me project with Arky, but I does think he is sulking because he didn’t win the digging. I am doing secret, secret training when he is not looking. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

121. Too Hot To Declare A Severe Weather Warning – by Monty

I was planning on declaring a Severe Hot Weather Warning, but it was too hot. I heard that government departments had been re-shuffled and I cannot quite work out what has happened to the Department of Energy and Climate Change. If it has been abolished, that would fully explain why the sun now thinks it can do whatever it wants. In my opinion, the sun needs to reign in its enthusiasm.


Big Rabbit forgot half her hair

Big Rabbit came to spend the day with us, and we all had a great day inside, drinking cold water and keeping very still. Chicken and Big Rabbit had a long conversation about cats, which I didn’t get involved in. Chicken now feels she is armed with a lot of useful information about keeping cats out of the garden. Big Rabbit has a Doctorate in Cat Detection and Expulsion. She went home after tea, but for some inexplicable reason, left half of her hair here. It is too hot to work out why.


Monty The Great BAHons First Class

Yesterday was an excellent day. Arky-Ollie-Just turned up and we were all extremely happy to see him. He let me wear his special hat, so I believe I am his favourite. I took him into my back garden to discuss the patio and to show him some of the work that I had been doing. We lasted about 30 seconds and then came back inside to sit by the fans. About half an hour after he arrived, he spilt half a tin of red paint on the carpet. On the plus side, he has shown an interest in my long forgotten Trench Building Project, which he says we can revitalise.

I spent most of the day in conversation with him, and taught him how to give Chicken and I treats. I explained the rules of the house and when it was nearly dark, took him out to show him around the estate. Grey Cat showed up, which sent Chicken into a spin.

I’m not quite sure how Arky-Ollie-Just fits into the household. The Fairy is in charge, but Arky-Ollie-Just is bigger. I will have to watch closely over the next few days to assess this situation. It may mean that our unit is going to experience a re-shuffle. I hope the Department of Sausages and Steak survives.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

99. Dizzy Chicken – by Monty

Yesterday, Chicken nearly knocked herself out. On my head. I was getting my unit ready for a walk, which necessitates putting leads on so we can attach ourselves to The Fairy to keep her safe. Chicken can’t control herself yet, so jumps up and down and very often hits The Fairy in the stomach. The Fairy throws the lead on the floor when this happens, and will only pick it up again when Chicken is standing still. Chicken knows this, but always goes through about five minutes of jumping and kicking anyway.

I, on the other hand, stand completely still with my head at the most convenient angle, as detailed in the indispensable 1996 volume How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There. I am capable of jumping, and my head regularly reaches heights of more than six foot, but I never hit people so receive nothing but praise for my athletic ability. Chicken simply jumps about like a hyperactive grasshopper.

During the downward phase of one of these jumps, her lower jaw made contact with my skull. There really was no contest. She stopped abruptly and her little head swayed from side to side. The Fairy was very concerned and checked to see if she was injured, fearing that she may have bitten her tongue. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any real damage, although she was very subdued for a few minutes. Just long enough to get the lead on easily, I might add.

On our walk, she was twittering away about Ugly Cat saying the rats were responsible for the illegal fracking. She said that Ugly Cat has an agreement with the rats, that they will go far away when I am given this information. She also reported that Ugly Cat is intending to cover my shed roof with rotten fish heads so that he can sit on it in comfort.

I think not.

As a registered military building, no unauthorised entry will be allowed. Not even on the roof. My shed will be protected by all the latest security features, including the most up to date wildlife detection alarm system available. In addition to this, there will be two guard dogs: myself, and dizzy Chicken.


Possibly needs work

Arky-Ollie-Just came over and issued a harsh assessment on the garden. He said that he had recently been at the site of an ancient settlement which had been abandoned 2000 years ago, and that their garden was in a better state than ours. He also insisted that the holes be filled in, before one of us falls into one and breaks our legs. I told him that I would never be so complacent as to fall into one of the holes, and that only an idiot would do so.

The Fairy fell into one whilst cutting the grass/mud. I will get onto it straight away.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: