I am in the process of painting the back fence, which is taking longer than I thought it would. The other day, I got everything ready and then went back into the house. When I came back out with my coffee, I found this:
Monty’s signature
I’d like to say we have reached (another) new low with Monty, but he once weed in somebody else’s food bowl, so I can’t.
The Fairy
The original foundations
As you may recall, Chicken and I had worked very hard to dig out the foundations of our race track. The whole project had been fully approved by the government, to the best of my knowledge, so I foresaw no problems. Unfortunately, my plans had to be put on hold when Arky-Ollie-Just cordoned off the whole area without offering any explanation. The portable green fencing also denied us entry to my pit, which I was particularly annoyed about.
Unnecessary portable green fencing
Overgrown and ruined
This fencing remained in place for just over two weeks, rendering my project behind schedule. In addition to this, the foundations gradually disappeared, ruining all our hard work. When the fencing finally came down, the whole area was a disgrace. It was completely covered in thick, new grass which Arky-Ollie-Just immediately set about cutting. I checked over the whole area for any security breaches, of which there were none.
I’m pleased to report, that only four days later, the foundations for the race track have been re-done, and the project is now back on schedule, with an estimated completion date of early November. I do believe that both Arky-Ollie-Just and The Fairy were pleasantly surprised at the speed with which we rebuilt our track.
Right back where we started
Monty
I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.
Total over-reaction
In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.
I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.
He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.
Monty
My bestest birthday present is the sloth pit which is called the digging pit. Monty is all too scaredy to go in it, so it is all for me and not for him. We also did get a new other present which is a fire pit which we is not allowed to play with or go near in case it gets us, but it is still my present.
I did do the demonstrating of the digging, but then I did hurt myself with the ball. The Fairy and Arky did give me kisses and then it was all better, so everything is OK.
Monty did do his own demonstrating about being banned from going near our fire pit present. He is so good at “registering my level of discontent with the standard of presents on offer.”
Chicken xxx
Joint engineering project under way
Arky-Ollie-Just and I have commenced a joint project which involves the digging of two trenches. I’m obviously the project manager, having so much experience of trench building, and Arky-Ollie-Just is doing most of the labouring. We are in the process of remodeling the front of my property so that there is space for an additional vehicle. I have no particular preference for how this area will be finished off, as long as it is not gravel like it used to be, which I don’t like to walk on.
I informed Bob at the Council of said project, and he said that although he didn’t believe planning permission were needed, he still felt it prudent to inspect the area. He said he would visit at tea time, and that he would eat with us so that we wouldn’t have to change our tea time. He is so thoughtful.
Stand-Still-Chicken
I’m a little bit confused by Arky-Ollie-Just’s inability to get Chicken’s name correct. He calls her Stand-Still-Chicken all the time. I spoke to The Fairy about Chicken’s name, and asked her to confirm that it had not been changed without my consent. She had also noticed that Arky-Ollie-Just calls her Stand-Still-Chicken, but said it didn’t really matter because Chicken answers to it anyway. I left the kitchen, but was called back almost immediately.
It was at this point, having been pushed out of the way and passed by Chicken, that I realised she also answers to the name Monty. The Fairy and I then conducted an experiment to see if she answers to anything else. She does:
Sweety, doggie, baby, loopy, rainbow, cowboy, trainer, T-shirt, elbow etc. Anything actually, with two syllables.
The Fairy says that she does know her name, and she’s just responding to the tone. It is my considered opinion that Chicken does know her name, and is responding to her stomach. It is quite common for us to receive a snack after being called into the kitchen. I think that when she hears the names Chicken or Monty, she thinks there is food in the offing and makes every effort to get to it before I do. It is also my considered opinion that she has included all other two-syllable words, just in case.
I cannot work out whether she is just a little bit dim, or whether she has unrecognised genius. I also cannot work out which is more dangerous.
Monty The Original
I did once tell everyone in the world that Monty donty was a rubbish criminal, because he did steal a roll sausage in a bag and left all the crumby crumbs on his face. He didn’t all share it with me. Now I is saying that Monty donty is a rubbish vandal as well.
Today in the morning he did go out and do illegal digging near the patty and was all pleased and happy. Then I did look at the patty and it was covered in mud and I did think The Fairy would all blame me. Then Monty did look at the muddy patty and did think it was all a walk of art.
Then I did realise that I was safety safe, and all because Monty has a big head.
BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken xxx
More valuable art because thicky artist signed it
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky.
Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
Poorly baby mouse with no ears
My eye is all proper betterer now so I is happy. I has been playing on my new patty but Monty did say I had to stay off it until it was all finished. Bum bum bum. He is so bossy. Monty did also get into trouble because he did take a dislike to our new baby mouse and did eat its ears off. He did say his actions were in line with the no wildlife policy currently in place, so did not feel any guilty.
We is going out somewhere special today but I don’t knows where. The Fairy is worried because Monty’s gate is not right, and she did say he needs to get it fixed. I did say I didn’t care about Monty’s gate because we has a good gate already that is all not broken. Monty said he was too busy replying for government jobs, and didn’t have time to get his gate fixed.
I did tell him not to be the Leads of the Opposites because I did want to have him all to myself and not be busy doing polly tricks business. I did reminded him of all his responses here in my house, and I do think he should stay here and be all the Commandering Onion of this unit. He did gibber on about votering rights for greyhounds but I did say ifs he doesn’t do what I tells him, I will vote to bite his big bottom.
Chicken xxx
I sometimes frighten myself with my ability to be correct about everything. It is a burden I have to bear. My meeting with Ugly Cat was very enlightening and has changed my opinion of him. It turns out that he is not just a fluff ball with claws, and he has been able to find out that there is indeed illegal fracking taking place extremely close to my unit.
Now let us not quibble about the details. The fracking might be mini, it may not have started yet, it may not be causing any earthquakes of any description, and it may not technically be illegal, but I WAS RIGHT just the same. My greyhound-sense rivals that of Spider-Man. Call it what you will – and I favour the word genius – but I am obviously capable of predicting the future. With this skill comes great responsibility.
Only the grouting left to do
Luckily, the patio is nearly finished which will protect the garden somewhat, so I now have a smaller area to guard. Pete Who Can Build Anything turned out to be very receptive to my suggestions, and patiently re-did the sections that I inspected with my feet. Once the job is finished, and the garden has been tidied up to the point that it no longer resembles a reclamation yard, I can restart my Mudhead Project.
Along with my new job as Leader of the Opposition, I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks.
Monty
My big eye did get a bit better and then it did get a bit biggerer again so I did have to go back to the vetty vet to get some biggerer medicine. It is now getting all better so I is nearly not sick anymore. Which is good news because now I has to look after Monty donty because he has got a poorly tummy.
Poorly Monty sulking
My toy was playing all by its alone on the settee, so I did jump up to get it. Then I did see Monty underneath my toy and I did land all big heavy on his tummy accidentally on accident. He did screaming all loud and I did jump away all quickly. Monty did snapping and snarling because his tummy was bleeding but I did get out the way before he could get me so everything is all OK. The Fairy did fuss over him so I did have to tell her to do the remembering about my big eye.
Ugly Cats wanted to know what was going on in my garden but I did tell him that he wasn’t allowed to know that we is having a patty built because it is not his business and he is nosey. He said he needed to speak to Monty but I did say I couldn’t all go to get him because Monty wasn’t all speaking to me. He said I had to tells Monty that he had found the ill eagle fracking and would take us to see it.
My new patty being started
Monty was working with Pete Who Can Build Anything and was inspecting the patty trench. I did tell him that Ugly Cat said he would bring the ill eagle frackers to us, and Monty did get all mad. He did say that he doesn’t want his new patty being comp promised, so he is all going to arrest Ugly Cats. I did say we could eats him, but Monty said we need to squeeze him for information. I is all excited about squeezing the cats!
BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken xxx
Big eye poorly
My eye has been poorly and hurty but the vet did give me some medicine and it is all beginning to get better now. I did do loads of sleeping and did gets extra loads of attention so it was all not that bad. Monty did sit on the settee with me to stop me being sad. He is gooder at looking after me. He did get told off for watering the flowers so he did go and water the patty chairs instead. I did not get told off because I is a good girl.
Arky-Ollie-Just has been talkering with Monty about checking the big hole where the patty is going, and he did say he would look for old things before we did put the concrete down. Poor Arky-Ollie-Just has got to move out of his house and The Fairy did say he can come and be with us in my house. The Fairy did say he had finished at the universe, and that he got a thirst. I thinks he has drunk all the water in his house so now needs a newer house.
Me and Monty did decide he could live with us and he can share our water in our water dishes. Monty did say that Arky-Ollie-Just would make us gooder food because he is all clever at cookering.
Come home Arky, bring sausages.
Love Chicken xxx
Greyhounds In Charge 