Monthly Archives: July 2016

124. Rubbish Vandal – by Chicken

I did once tell everyone in the world that Monty donty was a rubbish criminal, because he did steal a roll sausage in a bag and left all the crumby crumbs on his face. He didn’t all share it with me. Now I is saying that Monty donty is a rubbish vandal as well.

Today in the morning he did go out and do illegal digging near the patty and was all pleased and happy. Then I did look at the patty and it was covered in mud and I did think The Fairy would all blame me. Then Monty did look at the muddy patty and did think it was all a walk of art.

Then I did realise that I was safety safe, and all because Monty has a big head.


Chicken xxx


More valuable art because thicky artist signed it


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

123. Car Sharing Has Its Limitations – by Monty

The sun has decided to take a more leisurely approach to the day, which I am very pleased about. I was able to conduct my early morning check of the perimeter fence in comfort, and anticipate going out on patrol when I want to, as opposed to waiting until such time as I won’t melt.

Ugly Cat was on the shed next door and struck up a conversation when I had finished my security patrol. Flushed with success at having discovered the site of the proposed mini-fracking, he suggested that the F.A.R.T. attend a demonstration against it, which is going to take place in the next village. He informed me that he could lead us to the demonstration, but that it would take over an hour to walk to, so requested a lift in the car.

Firstly, I reminded him that he had not yet received official notification that he had been accepted into the F.A.R.T., and secondly, that Chicken would be in the car if such a protest were to be attended. He said he would be able to control Chicken, and I said that Chicken couldn’t control herself, and that I’d hate to be present when somebody else tried to. Particularly if that somebody else was a cat, and the location was the interior of a car.

I intend to call a meeting of the F.A.R.T. to discuss the issue of protesting, and Ugly Cat’s request for membership. I mentioned both these points to Chicken, with the exception of Ugly Cat’s proposed membership. For security reasons. Obviously. Not just because I want a quiet life. Which I do.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

122. Monty’s Burning Bottom – by Chicken

Monty is too hot,

He likes the shade a lot.

What is now occurring?

His big bottom is burning.

He’s all come back inside,

Like an egg, he has been fried.

I told him he was silly,

He could have burnt his head!


By Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

121. Too Hot To Declare A Severe Weather Warning – by Monty

I was planning on declaring a Severe Hot Weather Warning, but it was too hot. I heard that government departments had been re-shuffled and I cannot quite work out what has happened to the Department of Energy and Climate Change. If it has been abolished, that would fully explain why the sun now thinks it can do whatever it wants. In my opinion, the sun needs to reign in its enthusiasm.


Big Rabbit forgot half her hair

Big Rabbit came to spend the day with us, and we all had a great day inside, drinking cold water and keeping very still. Chicken and Big Rabbit had a long conversation about cats, which I didn’t get involved in. Chicken now feels she is armed with a lot of useful information about keeping cats out of the garden. Big Rabbit has a Doctorate in Cat Detection and Expulsion. She went home after tea, but for some inexplicable reason, left half of her hair here. It is too hot to work out why.


Monty The Great BAHons First Class

Yesterday was an excellent day. Arky-Ollie-Just turned up and we were all extremely happy to see him. He let me wear his special hat, so I believe I am his favourite. I took him into my back garden to discuss the patio and to show him some of the work that I had been doing. We lasted about 30 seconds and then came back inside to sit by the fans. About half an hour after he arrived, he spilt half a tin of red paint on the carpet. On the plus side, he has shown an interest in my long forgotten Trench Building Project, which he says we can revitalise.

I spent most of the day in conversation with him, and taught him how to give Chicken and I treats. I explained the rules of the house and when it was nearly dark, took him out to show him around the estate. Grey Cat showed up, which sent Chicken into a spin.

I’m not quite sure how Arky-Ollie-Just fits into the household. The Fairy is in charge, but Arky-Ollie-Just is bigger. I will have to watch closely over the next few days to assess this situation. It may mean that our unit is going to experience a re-shuffle. I hope the Department of Sausages and Steak survives.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

120. Monty’s Stupid Girlfriend – by Chicken

We is all bumpy excited because last night The Fairy did tell us a goody bedtime story. She did tell us that Arky had been to his gradually station and did wear a big gown and funny hat and it did all look like Hogwarts. Then she did say that he was all coming to live in my house so we is all having to tidy up. Monty did say it would be good to have another man in the house and I did say, where is the first one? BOOM! BOOM!


Cleverer me sitting in the shady shade

My house is going to be busy bee busy, because Big Rabbit is coming to see us today. We cannot go out for big walks later because it is all too hotty hot, hot hot. We does have a paddling pool and fans so it is a bit betterer. Monty did say all the fans were his.

Today this morning very early before the hotty hot, we did go for a walk. Stupid Grey Cat did run out to see Monty again. She always runs to see him and does throw herself on the floor in fronts of him. I did say I would get Grey Cat, but Monty did say she was just friendly and it was no surprise that she liked him. So I did say ifs he likes her so much, he should just marry her. Then he did say that might be a goody idea because she is all quiet.

So then on the way home in the very early this morning, I did tell Monty a night mayor bedtime story:

Once upon a in the long ago, a big handsome dog who was thicky, did meet a stupid cat. Then the stupid dog did make friends with the stupid cat and let the stupid cat be all in his house with him. Then they did go to bed and in the morning, Monty couldn’t walk because in the night time the smelly stupid cat had chewed all his legs off. THE END

Monty did say I was being silly billy but I did warn him about the cats and then I did say, don’t say I didn’t warn you. When Big Rabbit comes I is going to tell her about smelly Grey Cat.


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

119. The Triumphant Return Of Monty The Great – by Monty The Great

Two days ago I was invited to return to my kennels. I was pleased about this, as I spent four years of my life there and was a particular favourite. Upon entering the establishment, I was greeted by a round of applause greyhound style, which I felt was fitting.

I completed an inspection of the premises by 8am and was then settled into a double room with quilts, along with Chicken who had insisted on coming along with me. I had a long conversation with the large greyhound next door; an old friend of mine called Big Mac. He’s currently training to take part in next year’s Britain’s Strongest Man competition, so we whiled away the time talking about training techniques, and the discrimination that greyhounds face when trying to enter human competitions.

Late in the morning I delivered two training sessions to separate groups of greyhounds. The first was on counter steering, and aimed at those still racing. Cornering well can make all the difference. The second was a lecture which I delivered to those who had already, or were about to, retire. It was based on the book How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There, and also on my own experience. I was heckled throughout by one particular Chicken, who kept shouting bum from the back. I rose above it.


Back at home after a long day

Later in the afternoon, I had a small corn removed from my foot which made me feel a lot better and allowed me to walk properly again without pain. This situation was short lived however, as I cut the top of my front foot whilst conducting a parade in the paddock. Chicken said she wanted one too, but I said she wouldn’t be able to cope with it. She said she could cope with about ten of them, which I doubt.

I don’t like to complain as you know, but if I had to complain about anything, it would be the caterers. They completely forgot my steak order. But I don’t like to complain.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

118. Monty’s Corncob – by Chicken

Yesterday in the daytime all day, me and Monty did go back to the big kennels that we came from. I did say we was going racing again and I was going to beat Monty, but Monty said he was just there to do an inspection. We did get some foods but Monty did say he was all going to wait for the steak, so I did wait as well.

cooked  corn cob

Monty’s corncob

But Monty was all cheaty cheaty with the food because he did get some food that I didn’t get. He did go offs with the man and then he did come back with the man, and he did say that he had had a corncob removed from his footy. Monty did not all bring back the corncob so I knows that he did eats it on his own and not share it. I did gets all cross mad about this, because I hasn’t done the forgetting about the roll sausage in the bag yet.

Monty did also say that his gate is now fixed, so I does think the man was being favouritism and I is not going back until I can have a corncob as well.

We did go to run and play outside, and big head Monty did do demonstrating about his new footy. Then he did cut his front footy on something just before The Fairy did come to get us.

So I can all calls him poorly Monty again. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

117. Monty’s Gate Is Broken – by Chicken

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky.

Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!


Poorly baby mouse with no ears

My eye is all proper betterer now so I is happy. I has been playing on my new patty but Monty did say I had to stay off it until it was all finished. Bum bum bum. He is so bossy. Monty did also get into trouble because he did take a dislike to our new baby mouse and did eat its ears off. He did say his actions were in line with the no wildlife policy currently in place, so did not feel any guilty.

We is going out somewhere special today but I don’t knows where. The Fairy is worried because Monty’s gate is not right, and she did say he needs to get it fixed. I did say I didn’t care about Monty’s gate because we has a good gate already that is all not broken. Monty said he was too busy replying for government jobs, and didn’t have time to get his gate fixed.

I did tell him not to be the Leads of the Opposites because I did want to have him all to myself and not be busy doing polly tricks business. I did reminded him of all his responses here in my house, and I do think he should stay here and be all the Commandering Onion of this unit. He did gibber on about votering rights for greyhounds but I did say ifs he doesn’t do what I tells him, I will vote to bite his big bottom.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

116. Genius Is My Name – by Monty

I sometimes frighten myself with my ability to be correct about everything. It is a burden I have to bear. My meeting with Ugly Cat was very enlightening and has changed my opinion of him. It turns out that he is not just a fluff ball with claws, and he has been able to find out that there is indeed illegal fracking taking place extremely close to my unit.

Now let us not quibble about the details. The fracking might be mini, it may not have started yet, it may not be causing any earthquakes of any description, and it may not technically be illegal, but I WAS RIGHT just the same. My greyhound-sense rivals that of Spider-Man. Call it what you will – and I favour the word genius – but I am obviously capable of predicting the future. With this skill comes great responsibility.


Only the grouting left to do

Luckily, the patio is nearly finished which will protect the garden somewhat, so I now have a smaller area to guard. Pete Who Can Build Anything turned out to be very receptive to my suggestions, and patiently re-did the sections that I inspected with my feet. Once the job is finished, and the garden has been tidied up to the point that it no longer resembles a reclamation yard, I can restart my Mudhead Project.

Along with my new job as Leader of the Opposition, I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks.



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

115. Do British Politicians Move Faster Than Greyhounds? – by Monty

I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.

If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.


Sausage dinner every day

My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.

My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.

I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

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