Posts Tagged With: Cats

254. Sad And Happy Stories – by Chicken

SAD AND THEN HAPPY STORY

Once upon a there was a cat who was very poor. He was so poor that he did not all have a home and he did not have a food bowl and he did not have any toys and he was so poor that he did not even have a wheelbarrow to all call his own. Because he was poor he could only afford tiny little legs and not big proper legs so his tummy was always near on the floor. He did live in the outside with the rubbish, and the other cats was mean to him and he was scared.

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Crumb Bum now has his own pot

Then one day the lady from the second-hand cat hotel did come with a shopping trolley and did take the scared cat to the hotel in the shopping trolley. They did give him a chip. I does think they were mean to give him just one chip and they could have given him a full bag.

The poor cat was very scared and then Auntie Sister did get him and take him to her house and he did hide for weeks and weeks and weeks. Then one day he did fall in love with Auntie Sister and did want cuddles and kisses all the time and at last he was happy happy. He grew proper big legs so his tummy was all not on the floor anymore and he did also get a name. He is all called Crumb Bum because he has crumbs on his bum.

BOOM! BOOM!

The End by Chicken

SAD STORY

Monty did say that a lot of the peoples in the government has lost their whippets.

The End by Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

253. Will The Real Crumble Please Stand Up – by Monty

I really do hope that Chicken is never called to court as a witness.

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Crumble the cat

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

251. Hopping Monty – by Chicken

We did go for a walks and when we did go passed the house that doesn’t all cut the grass, we did see loads of hoppy hop grasshoppers. One did hop onto my Monty’s back and Monty did takes it for a long walk around the block. The Fairy did worry that it would be lost and lonely and I did say it was its own fault.

Then The Fairy did say she was all going to do work on the Mud Head and Monty was so hoppy happy that he did start hopping around the garden.

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My Monty keeping me safety safe

Then the Your Rope rubbish did gets worse and Monty did get hopping mad with it all and we did all ignore him. He is working on a plan.

The Fairy did move the patty chairs to the side of the patty near the fence and Ugly Cats and Kitten did use them to come into my garden and look at me all mean. I did tell Monty that they was being mean to me and he did stay next to me to all keeps me safe.

Chicken

 

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

246. Laurel And Hardy – by Chicken

Today this morning I did gets a holiday postcard from Willy Tick. He is in Grimsby.

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Ice ice cake in my water bowl 

Monty donty bum bum did tell me that we does have a new Prime Ministers called Doris Bohnson. I does not care because I is too busy being hot. The Fairy did make me a ice ice cake in my water bowl but it did disappear and I did know it was Monty who did eating my cake so I did kick him in the head.

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Laurel and Hardy 

Laurel and Hardy the two pigeons does keep coming for water and food. Monty is complaining but I does like them because they do making me laugh. I did also see stupid Ugly Cats the other day yesterday and he did have a stupid other cats with him who was skinny and little and stupid and they did look at me all mean.

Monty did say that they wouldn’t dare come into my garden and he would keep me safety safe, so he is my big hero.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty

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Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , , ,

236.Monty’s Red Face – by Chicken

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My upset Monty 

Monty did get smacked in the face by a black cat. The cat was rude. We did all not know the new cat and it did come running up to us to say friendly hello and then it did just smack my lovely Monty in the face for no reason. Monty did pretending that he was not all upset and he was upset I does know.

I did go out to look for Foxy because Foxy lives in the field and I did want to ask him about the smelly ferret but I did not find Foxy. I has seen Ugly Cats and he does still look scruffy bum and he is still stupid smelly, but now he does not go outs in the dark dark anymore and I does not know why. I also does not care.

Monty has all been watching the news on the tellybox all the times because he does say the Brexit government is very quite important. I has decided not to watch any Brexit tellybox things because it does BORE MY HEAD OFF.

I is now going to look after Monty’s red face now.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , ,

231. Chicken Legs – by Monty

The practice of displaying clothes in the garden for the neighbours to admire has continued all summer. There have been a few days recently when it has rained, and The Fairy has not taken her clothes outside, thus perpetuating Chicken’s belief that rain is dangerous. I have tried to reason with her by explaining that The Fairy is still willing to go for walks during rainfall but, as usual, Chicken won’t listen to me.

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How to fold a Chicken

Last week, The Fairy was so determined that the neighbours see as many clothes as possible, that she had an outlandish number of articles hanging on the line throughout the day. This inevitably led to a large amount of folding being required.

In a lapse of concentration, The Fairy folded up Chicken by mistake. I offered my assistance to Chicken, stating clearly that I could unfold her in a jiffy but Chicken declined, saying she was quite comfortable and pleased that The Fairy had included her in the demonstration.

 

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I cannot wait to see her walk with those.

It was a few days later when I walked into the living room that I noticed Chicken’s back legs had grown to an unnatural length. I do not yet know whether this unprecedented growth spurt is due to the folding up process, but I am keeping a fair distance from The Fairy, lest she attempts the same with me. My legs are perfect. I intend for them to stay that way.

I am in the process of writing a report about the cats on my estate after some quite remarkable developments. I will publish my findings shortly, once I have discussed them with Chicken Long Legs.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

228. The Overuse Of The Word REMARKABLE – by Monty

I often feel that the word remarkable is overused. As a case in point, I would draw your attention to my previous statement when I referred to my recovery from a serious foot infection as remarkable. It turned out to be anything but. In fact, the recovery was noticeable by its absence. I remained on antibiotics for 21 days, until another infection (located in a rather delicate area of my anatomy which shall remain anonymous) kindly took up the gauntlet and ran with it, necessitating a different set of tablets. Woe is me. I do not like to complain as you know, but I have requested an official enquiry.

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The Chicken And The Toad

Chicken has been extra kind to me during this time, and has greatly reduced the amount of noise she makes. She is still twittering on about her ghost cat and seems to be making new acquaintances on her evening walks. So far she has mentioned a German Shepherd puppy, an Akita puppy, a Pug, a Jack Russell and a toad. None of whom she likes.

Due to my confinement, I missed the opportunity to put myself forward for the Home Secretary vacancy which became available last week. I am always at home and I could very easily acquire a secretary, so feel I would have been the ideal candidate. Chicken said she would rather enjoy being my secretary, which would make her the Secretary’s secretary. We have put our plans on hold for the time being but remain hopeful, as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that the position become available again quite quickly. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about British politics, it’s that you cannot afford to blink.

Tomorrow I am overseeing some work in the garden which may involve the use of seeds. I am on standby to do any watering that may be required.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

226. A Remarkable Recovery – by Monty

Fear not people. I have made a miraculous recovery. This is to be expected given my thoroughbred, Irish lineage. We are made of steel. The Fairy was particularly impressed with the way I ran through the house upon my return, straight out into the back garden to take care of business. I am not sure if she was impressed with the running, or with the fact that I didn’t do anything inappropriate on the living room floor.

Upon returning to my office, Chicken began a programme of nursing which I am sure was well intentioned. Be that as it may, I still had to ask for help after a couple of hours. There is only so much inane, incessant chatter that one dog can listen to without becoming desperate. Especially in a state of semi-consciousness. I have no idea why, but I had nightmares about horses playing violins made of sausages.

Due to my remarkable recovery, I am now in a position to deal with the most pressing issues facing my unit. These range from phantom cats and dangerous cats, to garden vandalism. I am planning on drawing up some action plans in the near future.

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Feeling like my old self again.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

225. Ghost Cats And Big Foot Is Real – by Chicken

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Big Foot with dog biscuit crumbs

In the morning the other day morning Monty did say he was feeling poorly foot and I did look at it and his poorly foot was twice as big as his not bigger other foot. I did call him Big Foot and he did say Big Foot was not real and my Ghost Cat was not real and I dids shouting but Big Foot Monty was too painful to answer. So I dids show him the writing from the internetty and the man had film of the ghost cat.

So I win.

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Peoples has all seen one.

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Poor Monty Big Foot 

I did go to tell The Fairy that Monty was Big Foot and Monty did get mad because then he dids have to go to the vets. Everybody was all worried and I was sad for my poorly Big Foot Monty.

The vet did fix his big foot and he did have the fur shaved off and he does look silly. I did missing him when he was at the vetty vet.

When he did coming home he was sleepy sleepy so I did cheer him all ups by telling him a bedtime story called The Bremen Musicians And The Tower With The Sausage Tower. It did take two hours to tell it all properly.

 

 

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

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