Posts Tagged With: Pigeons

246. Laurel And Hardy – by Chicken

Today this morning I did gets a holiday postcard from Willy Tick. He is in Grimsby.


Ice ice cake in my water bowl 

Monty donty bum bum did tell me that we does have a new Prime Ministers called Doris Bohnson. I does not care because I is too busy being hot. The Fairy did make me a ice ice cake in my water bowl but it did disappear and I did know it was Monty who did eating my cake so I did kick him in the head.


Laurel and Hardy 

Laurel and Hardy the two pigeons does keep coming for water and food. Monty is complaining but I does like them because they do making me laugh. I did also see stupid Ugly Cats the other day yesterday and he did have a stupid other cats with him who was skinny and little and stupid and they did look at me all mean.

Monty did say that they wouldn’t dare come into my garden and he would keep me safety safe, so he is my big hero.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty


Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

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142. First Meeting Of The Watch – by Monty

The first meeting of The Watch was well attended. I believe Ugly Cat must have informed everyone of the time and venue, as I know that I didn’t say a word. We had the meeting at dusk so that the nocturnal animals could partake.


A mole in the pit

It appears that many of them are afraid that the fox may eat them, and feel that it requires removal from the area. Those present included pigeons, magpies, garden birds, bats, frogs, spiders, a mole which surfaced in my digging pit and – against my advice – the hedgehog.

Chicken displayed a level of wisdom I had not expected, by suggesting that the birds sleep high up out of its reach, and the rest of them hide. The spiders were deemed not to be in too much danger, but chose to stay anyway, out of civic duty.

The hedgehog seems to be the most at risk, so I suggested he employ his arsenal of spikes to protect himself. He then said that I was useless, which prompted a rather severe reaction from Chicken. He was only saved by the quick thinking of The Fairy, who disrupted the meeting, saying it was too late to have friends round to play.

Ugly Cat insisted that the fox needed relocating, to allow the “present system of management to remain in place.” I’ll admit to being a little suspicious of this comment. My military training tells me there is more to the situation than is being discussed openly, a sentiment which I shared with Chicken.

She is now on the Internet, researching conspiracy theories.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

140. Press Release 1 – by Chicken


Monty McDonty and Ugly Face Cats has all made a secret organ eye station called The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Watch. They did do it all in a secret at my house in secret. I is the most importance because I does have to deal with all the peoples and all the wildlife and all the press.

We is going to do plans tonights in the night time and the fox does have to look out and then Monty did not share the roll sausage in a bag. Bum.

It is all secret so nobody is allowed to know what is happening tonight when the wildlife with the hoods is coming to my house to do plans. The end.

By Stand-Still-Chicken 

Public Relations Officer

The Hooded Neighbours Wildlife Fox Animal Watch Hood

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139. The Wildlife Watch – by Monty

Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.

I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.


The Watch

Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.

Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.

Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.


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90. Monty’s Legs – by Chicken

Today all day it is Friday the 13th. Monty did say it was all just a normal day and that he would all looks after me anyways, but I did say it was unlucky. Monty did say we was all the luckiest people in the world in our unit and so I dids feel betterer. The Fairy did try to go backs to sleep on the settee but Monty stabbed her in the eyeball with his nails and this did help to get her ups.

Today we is going to Sister’s house to get extra cheese snacks and see Talking Cats. Talking Cats lives on the windowsill and does say ‘hello‘ and other things but I did say that I is amazed that he can gets a word in edgeways with The Fairy and Sister doing the chattering all the time. Monty did say I was all not allowed to be rude and I did say get lost. I is going to ask Talking Cats why cats behave funny, and I is going to tell him about being enraged.

The Fairy has all decidered to fill in the gooder trenches that I have made and it is all Monty’s fault. He was all just standing still in the very early today watchering the pigeons on the big roof, and then he did suddenly just fall in a trench for no reason. Monty did say there all had been another earthquake but I did say that nobody else feels Monty’s earthquakes and I did thinks he just can’t control his own legs. He did say that his legs were all ‘a natural result of 8000 years of royal lineage and perfectly formed’ and I did say maybe so but they is in the way.

I did tell him that he would have to organise his legs betterer when we both do sleep in the same bed and he did runned away looking scared. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx




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74. Don’t Drop The Sausage – by The Fairy


More sausages?

Poor Monty hurt his foot yesterday. I didn’t realise at first because he hadn’t cried and I was busy on my computer. It was only when I got up to go into the kitchen to deal with a tray of burning sausages, that I realised something was wrong. There was blood on the floor and Monty was licking his foot.

I took the sausages out of the oven and then carefully cleaned his foot which was bleeding from between two of his toes. I then had to mop the floor with hot water and disinfectant. When I’d done that I took Monty a sausage to make him feel better, and gave Chicken one because it’s never a good idea to leave her out where food is concerned.

A few seconds later they both turned up in the kitchen wanting another sausage. I think Monty actually ran, so I’m not that worried about his foot. Anyway, I gave Chicken a sausage and she dropped it into the mop bucket and disinfectant so I had to give her another one. Then Monty dropped his into his water bowl on the way to his bed. He managed to fish it out before Chicken could steal it.

Today we went to the lake and saw geese, swans, ducks, two pigeons being dive-bombed by what looked like a couple of house sparrows, and something that I was convinced was a penguin, but turned out to be a magpie. I also saw a rabbit about two foot from the path, but neither of my eagle-eyed dogs did.

I was supposed to be getting the lawn mower out today but luckily it has rained. This also means I haven’t been out and cleared the dog mess off the garden, which is fine by me because I hate doing it. It feels too much like outdoor housework. I am seriously considering ordering 200 dung beetles to do the job for me.

The Fairy

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69. What Did I Just Say? – by Monty



First there was one …


Then the population doubled

Birds: give them an inch and they’ll take a yard. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Yesterday there was one; today there are two; tomorrow who knows how many there will be? 500? I predicted this scenario weeks ago and now it seems my prophecy is coming true. I took my eye off the ball and now my complacency is coming home to roost. So to speak.

They say that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but I say stay in the bush. In someone else’s garden. Far away.


I intend doing some research later to ascertain whether pigeons eat moss or not. I don’t want them jeopardising my Mud Head Project.



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60. Don’t Tell Monty – by Chicken

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, chicky, chicky, BOOM! BOOM!


Can you see the baddy?

I did all watch Sherlock House on the telly box and did learn to look at things all carefully to works out who the baddy is. Then I did all read Monty’s posty about the new birdy toilet log thingy. Then I did all look at the pictures like Sherlock House and did all see the baddy that Monty missed. Can you see him too?

I am not going to all tell Monty because he will all just call another emergency meeting which is boring. He is already grumpy cross because nobody will listen to him about the ill eagle fracturing, and today I just wants to have fun. I am all going to practise my gooder digging skills.



Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

26. You can always rely on pigeons to cheer you up – by The Fairy

Yesterday wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had. The wind was warm, which English people don’t understand or cope with. The dogs raided the kitchen and ate things they shouldn’t have. Chicken has taken to digging in the hole every time she goes out in the garden, and bringing the mud into the living room. Monty razzed on the carpet, and my lottery tickets were defective so I’m still not a millionaire.

Monty is not the bravest boy and is frightened of big noises so he didn’t really enjoy walking in the wind. He tried to hide behind my knees to start with so I couldn’t walk properly, and then he dragged me all the way home. I do feel a bit sorry for him but he has triggered my tennis elbow so there’s a limit to my sympathy.

On the plus side, I did see a pigeon in town which was having to walk sideways because of the wind. I’ve seen many pigeons over the years, but I’ve never seen one walking sideways. If you get the chance to see this, you should. It’s the best thing ever.

Also, after tea, both my dogs cuddled up with me on the settee which I love. Chicken is allowed to sit near Monty as long as she doesn’t touch him too much. And she certainly can’t kick him in the head. He doesn’t appreciate being kicked in the head. She’s cuddling his bum at the moment and everything should be fine, as long as she doesn’t move.

The Fairy


Monty gets a cuddle

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