Chicken has opened a GoFundMe account to help someone who is short of clothing. She has suggested that everyone who is willing to contribute should send some suspenders to a person called Doris. I suggested other clothing might also be appreciated, but she said it was only suspenders that were required. It warms my heart to see her being so kind to the less fortunate.
Helping with the digging
On the home front, great progress has been made in my garden. I had to put in a written complaint due to the inactivity of The Fairy which seems to have done the trick. She recently installed a luxury toilet for myself, which has unfortunately been hijacked by EVEN MORE WILDLIFE. It is almost as if she expected the wildlife to visit, as demonstrated by her building a stone escape structure for the hedgehogs. Does she really expect me to share my toilet facilities? She also made a serious error with regards groundcover, which I had to protest against, through the medium of wee. There is no place in my bathroom for gravel. Not with my sensitive feet. It makes no sense.
They came …
Winter has been a disappointment with regards to snow, but I am very pleased to see temperatures rising now as we head towards Spring. Today was warm enough for us to begin work on my garden. I was able to inspect my race track in detail, and found it to be in excellent condition. There was some talk of planting flowers around it, but I have not yet agreed to this plan.
Having tested the outside temperature, wind speed and direction, cloud cover and the firmness of the ground, I determined that the going was good, so I gave permission for my digging pit to be re-opened.
Both Chicken and I thoroughly enjoyed our first foray of the year into my pit. I had quite forgotten how much fun it is. The Fairy made a video which clearly shows my superior digging skills compared to Chicken’s. Chicken says the parts of the video which show me digging are boring and go on too long, and has suggested that you only watch the parts that she is in.
Monty The Great
The original foundations
As you may recall, Chicken and I had worked very hard to dig out the foundations of our race track. The whole project had been fully approved by the government, to the best of my knowledge, so I foresaw no problems. Unfortunately, my plans had to be put on hold when Arky-Ollie-Just cordoned off the whole area without offering any explanation. The portable green fencing also denied us entry to my pit, which I was particularly annoyed about.
Unnecessary portable green fencing
Overgrown and ruined
This fencing remained in place for just over two weeks, rendering my project behind schedule. In addition to this, the foundations gradually disappeared, ruining all our hard work. When the fencing finally came down, the whole area was a disgrace. It was completely covered in thick, new grass which Arky-Ollie-Just immediately set about cutting. I checked over the whole area for any security breaches, of which there were none.
I’m pleased to report, that only four days later, the foundations for the race track have been re-done, and the project is now back on schedule, with an estimated completion date of early November. I do believe that both Arky-Ollie-Just and The Fairy were pleasantly surprised at the speed with which we rebuilt our track.
Right back where we started
1. Monty copying me by writing a list of things before me and I did say I was going to write a list of things yesterday and then Monty did copy me first before I wrote my second list first.
2. Monty playing with my toys because all toys are mine.
7. Being on my alone.
15. Ugly Cats because he is mean at looking at me and he does want to steal my toys, and Grey Cat because she does always try to kiss Monty.
10. Moving furniture.
11. Vacuum cleaner.
Today this morning we did go out to the special foods shop so Monty could go to the vetty vet with his poorly foot. The vet did say that Monty was very better, and that he had got gooder teeth and big muscles. Then we did get weighed in the waiting room and I did find out that Monty was fat.
Monty does now weigh 38.2km and I does only weigh 27.4 stone so I win. The vet did say that Monty did need to be careful with the exercise on his foot so I did say I would all help him not to do the exercise on his foot and then I did wee in the shoppy shop. BOOM! BOOM!
Helping Monty by telling him not to do the exercise with his foot.
I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.
In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.
I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.
He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.
Both Chicken and I have fully enjoyed our Independent Olympic Games. I have decided not to count up medals, in the interest of friendship.
The ceremony begins with Chicken showing the spirit of love between competitors through the medium of modern dance, before my big entrance from the back of the auditorium.
We then simulate some of the events we took part in, like track running and jumping, though my digging display was obscured by the flowers.
There was a slight altercation towards the end due to Chicken not following my choreography, but I do not believe it detracts from how successful the performance was.
Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.
I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.
Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.
Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.
Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.
In the dog house
My beautiful Monty big bum is in the dog house. He has all done the big weeing in the pit and I did win the digging competition and I is not going back in the pit.
We did do some more Limpets this morning, and Monty donty did win three useless sports medals.
First he did win the getting up first in the morning competition (5.01am).
Then he did get an extra medal for winning the waking up The Fairy for no good reason at 5.01am as well, when I didn’t even want to go out anyway because it’s raining cat gory (5.01am).
Then he did win the how many times can we get The Fairy to open the slidy door before 6am for no good reason because I didn’t want to go out anyway because it’s raining section (4).
Today we was all going to do the aqueducts, but it is rainy rain outside so Monty did say we hads to wait because he didn’t want to gets wet. I is looking forward to this bit, because I does love the water and I will win all the swimming competitions in my paddling pool. I have warned Monty that I will know what he’s done ifs the water turns green.
Monty did say that he was having a break from doing the Limpets because he all did have to finish the engine near me project with Arky, but I does think he is sulking because he didn’t win the digging. I am doing secret, secret training when he is not looking. BOOM! BOOM!
The Independent Olympic Games is in disarray this afternoon, after one of the top athletes was disqualified from the 1m digging.
When asked to clarify the situation, The Fairy said that after a show of the upmost disrespect, Monty The Great had been totally, absolutely and irrevocably disqualified for weeing on the equipment.
She went on to say that, “It is clearly stated in the rules, that none of the apparatus is to be used as a toilet. Doing so negatively impacts on other competitors, and will not be tolerated.”
Chicken, who was declared the winner by default, said that she was sad that her gold medal had been awarded under these circumstances, but that she intended to accept it anyway, boom, boom.
This is not the first controversy to hit the games. An official enquiry is underway after claims were made that a winning athlete had been judging himself.
Monty The Great was unavailable for comment.
Please note: this video contains footage of weeing.
Chicken has rung the police about the judging of the precision jumping. She is adamant that she should have won, and has demanded an inquiry. Personally, I think the judge was professional and unbiased and that the best dog won. Chicken said that the judge couldn’t be trusted to be unbiased, because the judge was me. I disagree, and the result stands.
The next event which I have lined up is the digging. Points will be awarded for speed, technique, the depth of the finished hole, and how many legs were used in the execution. The highest available score for the last requirement being four.
Chicken believes she will win this one, as I have never been in the digging pit. I warned her not to underestimate me, but she said she wasn’t worried because she thought I was unprepared, and that I couldn’t even compete if I was not brave enough to step into the arena in the first place.
However, I have secretly employed a coach who has helped me develop my routine. After many weeks of assessing the pit, I have finally made the decision to go in it.
This did involve the dismantling of the side wall, but all’s fair in love and sport, as they say.
Monty The Great