Posts Tagged With: Bob

229. What Is This Contraption I See Before Me? – by Monty

Over the winter months I always have a good view of my garden. I like to perform a few perimeter checks on foot during the day, but for most of the time a quick glance out of the patio door suffices. In recent weeks however, I have found my view obscured by clothes. I have no idea why people insist on hanging their clothes up in the garden during the summer and can only assume they are displaying them for the neighbours. The neighbours may well appreciate it, but I do not. I have no interest at all in ladies unmentionables flapping about in my line of vision.


Think you’re waterproof? We’ll see.

Not only am I subjected to ladies unmentionables, I now also have to suffer the presence of a large plastic contraption in my garden. The Fairy seems very pleased with it, but I am outraged. When the wind blows, it makes noise. That’s right people – The Fairy has brought a noise-making item into my garden. She spent all yesterday messing about with pots and soil and the watering can. Chicken helped, and the pair of them had a fabulous time.


Who grows soil nowadays?

I remain suspicious, however. The Fairy says it is waterproof but that makes no sense at all. Why would she  want something that prevents me watering the plants? Surely she must recognise this as a design fault. I intend to assess its waterproofing credentials later, as I would hate to have anything in my unit which does not comply with current Trading Standards regulations.


Tomatoes are my specialty.

It also concerned me that she hadn’t applied for planning permission from the Council. I’m in the process of locating the home phone number of Bob from the Council.

I know it’s Sunday, and a Bank Holiday weekend to boot, but I do believe he has a civic duty and will not mind at all if I ring him at dinner time with a legitimate enquiry.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

195. Election Result Declared Invalid – by Monty

I awoke on Friday morning expecting to take up my post as one of the Prime Ministers, only to find that an enormous mistake had been made. For some reason, not a single one of our votes had been included in the final tally. As you can imagine, I was nonplussed to say the least.

I immediately decided to ring the Government, but as Chicken and I are the Government, found myself in a rather difficult situation. As an emergency measure, I decided to ring Bob at the Council.

I had thought better of him.

Bob at the Council said that the results had been officially verified and that there was in fact, no record anywhere of the Greyhounds In Charge Party. Whatever mischief is afoot, Bob is obviously involved and by extension – not to be trusted.

It is clear to anyone with even an ounce of common sense, that the election was rigged. Therefore, in my capacity as Prime Minister, I have declared the election results INVALID.

REMAIN CALM people. I have already started a public enquiry and will publish my findings post-haste.

Chicken is furious.

Monty The Great, PM

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

165. Health And Safety Protocol Dilemma – by Monty

Bob from the Council turned up to carry out an inspection of our new race track, having been officially invited by my good self. I think it’s safe to say that he was very impressed, if his exclamation of, “I’ve never seen anything like it before,” is anything to go by.

Unfortunately it had rained the previous night, so there was some standing water visible, which drew his attention. I assured him that I was on top of the drainage issue, but he insisted that it required further investigation. At this point, I escorted him off my property, having deemed the inspection over.


Where’s the dignity?

Today, I received a letter from Trent Water, informing me that they intend to carry out a survey to ascertain how water is drained from my race track, for which purpose they require access to my back garden. To say that I am perplexed is an understatement. To start with, I do not allow unauthorised access to my track, and secondly, I have until this point dealt only with Anglian Water, and don’t understand why they’re sticking their noses in. My own research has not yet uncovered any Trent Water interest in greyhound racing. I intend to contact them in the near future to discuss the situation.

Health and Safety protocol dictates that high viz jackets must be worn on construction sites at all times, as demonstrated by Bob from the Council on his recent visit. I am in the rather awkward position of not owning a high viz jacket, thus precluding me from visiting my own site. Chicken owns a high viz jacket which she has offered to lend me.

The problem with this, is that it doesn’t fit me. So I am now facing a difficult decision. Do I disregard the Health and Safety regulations and visit my site sans high viz jacket whilst retaining my dignity, or do I comply with the Health and Safety regulations, but lose my standing in society by wearing a coat with my bottom hanging out?

Nothing is easy.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

163. New Greyhound Race Track Set To Open In North Lincolnshire – BREAKING NEWS

A new greyhound racing track in North Lincolnshire, is set to open its doors in the new year. The track, which was originally expected to be completed by early November 2016, has only just been finished, and is still awaiting approval by the Council.

The ambitious project is the brainchild of two retired open racers; Monty The Great and Stand Still Chicken. When asked what prompted them to build a race track, Monty The Great said that although retired, they both still enjoyed racing and felt it important to do so on a professional track.

He went on to say that he had raced at all the top tracks up and down the country, resulting in him having a level of expertise not usually seen in the average greyhound. He said that he had used his extensive knowledge to design and build one of the most impressive tracks ever seen.

The track is constructed mostly of mud and has state of the art toilet facilities in the centre, negating the need for any greyhound to leave the track in order to wee.

Monty The Great said that he would be applying for a license to hold race meetings in 2017. Stand Still Chicken added that frogs would also be allowed to race, though no explanation was given for this move. A Council spokesman said that a previous application to build a trench on the site had been turned down, and they were unaware that the track had been built. They are expected to visit the premises in the next few days.

Opposition groups are planning to erect temporary green fencing around the area to prevent racing taking place, but Monty The Great confirmed that the owner of the property had fully approved the building of the track, and had no objections to hosting race meetings in the future. When we contacted her for a comment however, she was overcome with emotion and unable to speak through her tears.

It is understood that the site had originally been a lawn, before being redeveloped.


The new track, with state of the art toilet facilities in the centre.

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags: ,

144. Disproportionate Reaction – by Monty

I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.


Total over-reaction 

In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.

I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.

He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

126. What Is Chicken’s Name? – by Monty


Joint engineering project under way

Arky-Ollie-Just and I have commenced a joint project which involves the digging of two trenches. I’m obviously the project manager, having so much experience of trench building, and Arky-Ollie-Just is doing most of the labouring. We are in the process of remodeling the front of my property so that there is space for an additional vehicle. I have no particular preference for how this area will be finished off, as long as it is not gravel like it used to be, which I don’t like to walk on.

I informed Bob at the Council of said project, and he said that although he didn’t believe planning permission were needed, he still felt it prudent to inspect the area. He said he would visit at tea time, and that he would eat with us so that we wouldn’t have to change our tea time. He is so thoughtful.



I’m a little bit confused by Arky-Ollie-Just’s inability to get Chicken’s name correct. He calls her Stand-Still-Chicken all the time. I spoke to The Fairy about Chicken’s name, and asked her to confirm that it had not been changed without my consent. She had also noticed that Arky-Ollie-Just calls her Stand-Still-Chicken, but said it didn’t really matter because Chicken answers to it anyway. I left the kitchen, but was called back almost immediately.

It was at this point, having been pushed out of the way and passed by Chicken, that I realised she also answers to the name Monty. The Fairy and I then conducted an experiment to see if she answers to anything else. She does:

Sweety, doggie, baby, loopy, rainbow, cowboy, trainer, T-shirt, elbow etc. Anything actually, with two syllables.

The Fairy says that she does know her name, and she’s just responding to the tone. It is my considered opinion that Chicken does know her name, and is responding to her stomach. It is quite common for us to receive a snack after being called into the kitchen. I think that when she hears the names Chicken or Monty, she thinks there is food in the offing and makes every effort to get to it before I do. It is also my considered opinion that she has included all other two-syllable words, just in case.

I cannot work out whether she is just a little bit dim, or whether she has unrecognised genius. I also cannot work out which is more dangerous.

Monty The Original

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

115. Do British Politicians Move Faster Than Greyhounds? – by Monty

I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.

If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.


Sausage dinner every day

My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.

My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.

I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

105. About Time – by Monty

I will be the first to admit that I never rush into things. Prior Preparation and Planning is my mantra, and this process should never be rushed. Further to this, it is essential that all Health and Safety issues be addressed and any elements of potential danger be assessed properly before proceeding with any activity. This includes such activities as going out into the garden, or getting out of the car. You can never be too careful.



You can, however, be painfully slow, as I have found out since taking up residency in my forever home. One of the reasons I chose to live with The Fairy is that I like a challenge. There appeared to be a lot of work to do in the house and garden, and The Fairy was obviously in need of a good project manager.

Much to my disgust, every project that I have put forward has been scuppered or postponed. My Trench Building Project was stopped by Bob at the Council, and my Mud Head Project has yet to see the light of day. The wildlife exclusion zone which incorporated the whole of my garden, has been breached with the help of The Fairy, who constantly entices wildlife in with food. Sink holes have appeared, and grass has disappeared, due to the illegal fracking activity in the area.


Waiting to be planted

So you can imagine my excitement when it was announced that finally, work could get underway. Pete Who Can Build Anything is coming in a couple of weeks to lay the patio, and plants and shrubs have appeared in the garden, ready to be planted. A large pile of wood has been delivered, but there are no accompanying plans, so I can only guess what is to become of that. Most interestingly, we now own a large rabbit hutch.


It can’t hide forever

The Fairy insists that we are not getting a rabbit, much to Chicken’s disappointment, but I am absolutely convinced there is one in there already. Every time I go into the garden, I go to check for it.  My record for staring at the hutch, stands at seven minutes. I can be incredibly persistent when the occasion calls for it, and the rabbit cannot hide forever.

The garden refurbishment is finally getting underway.

About time.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

101. Expanding The F.A.R.T? – by Monty


Shining in the sun

It has been very warm and sunny over the last few days so Chicken and I have been sunbathing. The Fairy put up a large umbrella, as presumably she didn’t trust the weatherman and was preparing for rain. I will admit to being cautious by nature, but this really was being over cautious if you ask me. Having said that, I do admire someone who is prepared for every eventuality, and this is England, so not impossible that it should rain at any given moment.

I met with Ugly Cat yesterday evening, who was sitting on next door’s shed. He was in a good mood, saying he was looking forward to sitting on my new shed. I informed him that I had not yet allocated seating positions on my shed, but that I had already rejected applications from the pigeons and the magpies.

Ugly Cat said that he could be very useful from such a high vantage point, and could provide me with important information about any activity in the immediate vicinity. He started to tell me about some possible illegal fracking activity which he believes is taking place in a large field next to the estate, when we were interrupted by one of the above mentioned magpies. This bird proceeded to tell me that as a flyer capable of reaching quite high altitude, he would be infinitely more valuable than Ugly Cat, and requested that I re-assess his shed-sitting application.

Ugly Cat then lost control of himself and started hissing and spitting. He was on the point of launching an attack, when out of nowhere, Chicken launched her own. She flung herself at the fence and both the magpie and Ugly Cat scattered. I told her very sternly that I had been in the middle of an intelligence gathering operation, and was displeased with her having sabotaged it. She replied that she had come to play with me; called me boring, and ran off to find a toy.

I determined to contact all members of the F.A.R.T. in order to discuss the information I had received. After making a round of phone calls, the meeting has been set for Wednesday, and will take the form of a BBQ as suggested by PC Dave from the Station. Bob from the Council agreed to come (on this basis only), and I therefore feel it is imperative that Pete Who Can Build Anything visits my premises beforehand. If Bob sees that Chicken has been continuing with the trench building programme without planning permission, he may decide to prosecute. If we can show that we have firm plans in place to repair the damage, we may get away with it.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , , ,

78. Mixed Results – by Monty


The damage can be clearly seen

Yesterday The Fairy cut the mud in the back garden. It looks a lot tidier and the full extent of the damage can now be clearly seen. Ugly Cat appeared on the fence and had a long, private conversation with Chicken. I did not get involved in this, as I was busy guiding The Fairy at the time. I find that running directly in the path of the lawn mower is the best technique here.

Last night we embarked on our first reconnaissance mission and I’m pleased to report it was a success of sorts. I had devised a recording system to allow all members of the team to accurately document any findings. The recording sheets were returned to me in various states of disrepair, and did not yield as much information as I had hoped.

Bob from the Council screwed up his bit of paper as soon as we left the unit and threw it on the floor, but was asked by PC Dave from the Station to pick it up straight away as it contravened the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act 2005. The Fairy mentioned that you can report littering to the Council so Bob said it made more sense for him to report himself to himself in the morning, thus negating the need for Dave to handcuff him and take him to the Station. Dave agreed to this, in the interest of reducing the amount of paperwork he had to do.

Dave had used his to draft out a written warning to Bob about littering; The Fairy had drawn a basic street plan and marked on it every shrub or plant that she liked the look of, with the intention of returning in daylight to inspect them further; and Chicken had used hers to write a love letter to Jurgen Klopp. It became apparent that more training was required vis-a-vis the recording sheets. It is my belief that those responsible for the illegal fracking had got wind of our patrol, and shut down operations for the night. In this respect, our patrol was highly successful.

Upon our return we had a long debriefing over cake and coffee, during which it was again raised as an issue that Chicken was responsible for all the damage in the garden. Chicken said that it was Ugly Cat, and also went on to accuse me of contributing to the disintegration of the lawn without realising it. Outrageous!

Does she think I’m some sort of idiot?


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , , , , ,

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