I appear to have miscalculated with regards to Chicken’s wishes. I am surprised about this, as I rarely miscalculate. I thought she would have loved to have met Rudolf, but before his visit, it came to light that she wasn’t very pleased at all. Actually, she was furious. As was he, when I told him that he would no longer be having a five course meal at my house. Apparently, he had been starving himself for three days in anticipation of the feast.
Chicken is still angry that we didn’t get married on Christmas Eve and blames Rudolf. Although I can understand her feelings towards him, I think it is very unfair of her to also blame me, as I have done nothing wrong, and was planning on marrying her in the near future. When I told her this, she informed me that she had married someone else. Can you believe it?
Who wouldn’t want to marry me?
At first I was very hurt, but when I found out that she had married a stuffed toy I felt a bit better. Gingerbread Snowman does not compare to me. I’ve been through this before with Jurgen Klopp. Sooner or later she’ll realise that I’m a good catch and come running back. I intend to launch a full scale charm offensive in the morning.
New Year’s Eve was rather spoilt by fireworks, as was New Year’s Day. On my estate, it is customary to celebrate most days with fireworks. I do not understand nor like this situation, and I’m hoping tonight will be quieter.
The new year has started and I’ve contacted the government to suggest that it be called 2017. I’d like to thank all my followers and readers for supporting me and wish you all the best for the coming year.
Monty The Great
The damage can be clearly seen
Yesterday The Fairy cut the mud in the back garden. It looks a lot tidier and the full extent of the damage can now be clearly seen. Ugly Cat appeared on the fence and had a long, private conversation with Chicken. I did not get involved in this, as I was busy guiding The Fairy at the time. I find that running directly in the path of the lawn mower is the best technique here.
Last night we embarked on our first reconnaissance mission and I’m pleased to report it was a success of sorts. I had devised a recording system to allow all members of the team to accurately document any findings. The recording sheets were returned to me in various states of disrepair, and did not yield as much information as I had hoped.
Bob from the Council screwed up his bit of paper as soon as we left the unit and threw it on the floor, but was asked by PC Dave from the Station to pick it up straight away as it contravened the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act 2005. The Fairy mentioned that you can report littering to the Council so Bob said it made more sense for him to report himself to himself in the morning, thus negating the need for Dave to handcuff him and take him to the Station. Dave agreed to this, in the interest of reducing the amount of paperwork he had to do.
Dave had used his to draft out a written warning to Bob about littering; The Fairy had drawn a basic street plan and marked on it every shrub or plant that she liked the look of, with the intention of returning in daylight to inspect them further; and Chicken had used hers to write a love letter to Jurgen Klopp. It became apparent that more training was required vis-a-vis the recording sheets. It is my belief that those responsible for the illegal fracking had got wind of our patrol, and shut down operations for the night. In this respect, our patrol was highly successful.
Upon our return we had a long debriefing over cake and coffee, during which it was again raised as an issue that Chicken was responsible for all the damage in the garden. Chicken said that it was Ugly Cat, and also went on to accuse me of contributing to the disintegration of the lawn without realising it. Outrageous!
Does she think I’m some sort of idiot?
I was all upset yesterday because I did go on the iPaddy internet and did see that Clipperty Klopp had been in the horsepital. He has all had a pen decided, so is very poorly and I is all going to send him a selfie of me myself to make him feel better. The Fairy did say not to worry because he is all big and strong and did get out the horse pit quickly and is back workering already.
Clipperty Klopp is betterer now
Monty did get all uppity then and did say that he was all big and strong as well, because he had had a bad footy injury and still did go out for a walks which was very difficult but he did it anyway because he is brave. He also did say that if his pen was broken he would all just get another one because he is cleverer. He also did say that Clipperty Klopp had not been workering and had really just been out all shopping. I did say to stop being jealous and I did love him too, and he did say he wasn’t jealous of someone who only had two legs and no a pen decided, so I did say get lost.
We went for a walks in the sunny shine this morning and Monty did all protect me when the big dogs came so I love him all more than usual now. Then we did meet a dog which could smile and talk! On the way back we did all see some people who looked like people but we’re very tiny small. They did stroke Monty and then I did push in and they did stroke me more. So I win. BOOM! BOOM!
Today I was embarrassed in public by The Fairy and Chicken behaving in a totally inappropriate way with firemen. These people are professionals like myself, and they have a job to do. I’m pretty sure they did not appreciate being interfered with.
We exited the vehicle at the lake and set off in a clockwise direction. We hadn’t gone more than a couple of yards before Chicken noticed the firemen partaking in water rescue training, and wanted to go and see what they were doing. The Fairy actually pretended that she was being dragged against her will towards the water’s edge! I couldn’t believe it. The audacity. The pair of them stood grinning like idiots and wouldn’t move even when I tried to pull them away. I was mortified when our presence was noticed and nearly passed out with shame when The Fairy, in an attempt to stay a little longer, undid and then re-tied her laces.
That particular sham marked the end of my patience and I put my foot down with a firm hand and demanded that we move on. The rest of the walk was completely ruined by their inane chatter about how aesthetically pleasing some men are, which is shallow and highly disrespectful in my opinion. As if I hadn’t suffered enough, Chicken then turned the conversation to Klopp, who she continues to be fascinated by. I honestly don’t understand what she sees in him. I am willing to agree that he has some good points, but if it came to a choice between the two of us, he simply doesn’t measure up. I am obviously superior.
He only has two legs for a start.
A note from Chicken:
It is difficult hard decision. Who would you choose?