You have too much time on your hands.
Get a job.
You have too much time on your hands.
Get a job.
Crinkle Octopus and myself have had enough. I have had enough of the noise and Crinkle has had enough of the biting. Chicken, on the other hand, cannot get enough of either. I called a meeting today to discuss the return of Ugly Cat but Chicken refused to attend unless Crinkle be allowed to sit in. I’m not convinced that she was giving me her full attention.
Ugly Cat disappeared a while ago and resurfaced months later looking rather worse for wear. He spoke to me in confidence, saying he had been on a secret fact-finding mission to Brussels; his remit being to gather information about what is happening with Brexit. Apparently, he came away a pauper and had to make his own way back home, travelling by night and hunting for his food. This explains his dishevelled appearance and drastic weight loss.
He suggested that he and I form a top secret organisation with the purpose of gathering our own information about what is going on in political circles here. I told him that I would seriously consider it, but that I felt it to be a tall order. If he couldn’t find out what was going on from Brussels, how was he expecting to find out from Downing Street? I’m not even sure that any information exists.
For the time being, I have decided not to tell Chicken about Ugly Cat’s secret mission. She will find it hard enough dealing with the return of Ugly Cat, without adding the additional trauma of Brexit.
At the meeting, I told her that Ugly Cat had been living feral for a long time, but was learning once more to live in a house. I hoped this would result in her showing a little more kindness towards him than she has in the past.
All is well in the world of Monty. Chicken has relocated to the settee with a rather sick looking Fairy, so I am back in my big bed with Ellie the Elephant.
You may also notice my lovely new Christmas blanket which Grandma and Grandad gave me for Christmas. Chicken also has one which should mean she won’t steal mine.
I am expecting a little ‘Chicken respite’ over the next few days as Chicken has a new boyfriend. His name is Crinkle Octopus, and to be honest, I think he has far too much to say for himself. I am hearing his crinkly voice in my sleep.
What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I shall tell you. There are two beds: one large, one small. There are two greyhounds: one large, one small. There are two greyhound brains: one large, one small. How did it happen that the small greyhound with the small brain ended up in the large bed? The large greyhound is rather perturbed. To say the least.
Putting that business aside, I am in an excellent mood preparing for Father Christmas. He is expected at my house before dawn tomorrow and I have already layed out a range of suitable refreshments for him and his reindeer. Chicken does not fully support the notion of rewarding the reindeer as she has not yet forgiven Rudolf for something that he didn’t do two years ago. Or some such nonsense.
We have had a bit of a rollercoaster ride over the last few months involving, amongst other things, general anesthetics, but we are now back on the horse so to speak. Chicken is beside herself with excitement and refusing to go to sleep so I’m anticipating a very long night. Until tomorrow then my friends……….
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL
Monty The Great
Dear Mr Lovely Rudolf,
I is very very really sorry for being rudy rude to you last year. You is a lovely reindeer and everybody loves you and very sorry.
From Chicken xxx
Then I did do an apology to stupid Rudolf because Monty donty did sticking up for me with the mean polar bear. He did say that the polar bear was all staring at me because he thinks I is so pretty and I does know this is true. Monty did also say I will gets loads of a lot of presents and I does think one of them will be a puinnea gig and I will play with it and look after it but not eats it.
Monty did say I hads to be a good girl and I did say that I will be a good girl and I didn’t say that I all wouldn’t do anything or nots do anything in extra change for my sorry letter and I dids tell Monty that he is my favourite and I does think he is all great and I did never think of anything to do to make him embarrassed because I is a good girl.
The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.
Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.
I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.
1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.
2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.
Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.
No thanks necessary.
‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.
Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.
Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.
Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.
Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.
Monty donty has all stolen my eclectic bed. He did try to sit on it but I was all sitting on it because it is mine and The Fairy did buy it for me. Then Monty did go on my settee and it is mine as well. I does not know how to all sits on my eclectic bed and my settee at the same time. Monty’s bottom is massive.
Then Monty did say I did have to say apologise to Rudolf and I did say that I did not have to. He did say that ifs I does apologising he would give me a carrot but I doesn’t like carrots. Then he did say that the carrot could be something else that I wants, so I did say that I wants to show the picture of Monty’s Easter Island Head Poo and he did say no. He did say the people would be upset because it is all rude but I did say that is the only way I will all say sorry to stupid Rudolf.
For Christmas I have asked for a puinnea gig. I will look after it and play with it and not eats it. Last year I did ask for a baby rabbit but I dids not get one so this year I has asked for a puinnea gig. Monty did say that I wouldn’t get a Christmas present ifs I doesn’t say sorry. Bum.
I did say that I wouldn’t say sorry unless I could all show my Easter Island Head Poo photo. I did tell Monty not to be selfish. BOOM! BOOM!
There has been talk of arthritis in regards to my foot. During the recent cold weather I have been reduced to hopping. The usual remedy administered by The Fairy in the event of illness or injury is sausages and roast chicken. Unfortunately, this time it did not work. It helped a lot. But it did not work.
I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of an electric bed, which is working. The Fairy has produced an electric blanket from somewhere and has built up a rather super bed for me, complete with Christmas blanket. This is the level of treatment that I deserve in my retirement.
The first round of talks about the Christmas cancelling situation have broken down. Chicken put forward a proposal which was totally unacceptable. The Fairy was inclined to consider it, but I put my non-arthritic foot down. I fully understand the importance of reaching a settlement, but my self respect is worth more than Christmas.
This morning I received a communication from Father Christmas. He is not in a good mood. Apparently, Rudolf is refusing to fly unless Chicken apologises for last year. As you may recall, Chicken was rather rude to Rudolf and the poor thing was left out in the cold after being led to believe he was to be the guest of honour at a meal at our house. The invitation had to be rescinded at the last minute due to Chicken. I don’t mind telling you that I was rather embarrassed.
Naturally, and as usual, Chicken is refusing to apologise.
If I do not manage to illicit a heartfelt apology from her, Christmas will have to be cancelled. The first round of negotiations stalled at the first meeting held this morning.
Chicken is simply refusing to entertain the idea that she was in the wrong, so I will have to use my extensive diplomatic skills to find a solution. Failure is not an option. The Fairy has suggested that I provide some form of carrot to help Chicken make the right decision. In theory, a little bit of give and take on both sides should result in a satisfactory outcome.
Time is of the essence. I have told Chicken that she should go away and think about what she would need in order to be able to provide said apology. Hopefully she will come back with a proposal which will allow for a settlement to be drafted.