Monthly Archives: August 2016

140. Press Release 1 – by Chicken


Monty McDonty and Ugly Face Cats has all made a secret organ eye station called The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Watch. They did do it all in a secret at my house in secret. I is the most importance because I does have to deal with all the peoples and all the wildlife and all the press.

We is going to do plans tonights in the night time and the fox does have to look out and then Monty did not share the roll sausage in a bag. Bum.

It is all secret so nobody is allowed to know what is happening tonight when the wildlife with the hoods is coming to my house to do plans. The end.

By Stand-Still-Chicken 

Public Relations Officer

The Hooded Neighbours Wildlife Fox Animal Watch Hood

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , ,

139. The Wildlife Watch – by Monty

Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.

I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.


The Watch

Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.

Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.

Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

138. Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You – by Monty

As you know, The Fairy and I have very different views regarding wildlife in the garden. I particularly disagree with the encouraging of wildlife by providing food policy which The Fairy insists on implementing. In all cases except the dried mealworms, either Chicken or I remove any such food as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Last night, Chicken beat me to the hedgehog’s peanut butter, after I specifically told her to leave it to me.

As John Lennon once said:

Instant Karma’s gonna get you. 

Gonna knock you right on the roof of your mouth.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

137. Hotty Botty Scary Day – by Chicken


Wet tea-towel competition 

In the last few big days it has been hotty botty hot hot. We did sit near Monty’s fans and do the drinking a lot. Then The Fairy was bored so decidered to dress us up, but she did forget to dry the clothes first so they was all wet and cold. Monty did say he was all happy to wear posh costume-made coats, but wasn’t going to put up with being made to wear a tatty old wet tea-towel. Then he did go into his den under the big table and take it offs, so I did take mine offs as well.

Very early I did see Ugly Cats on the fence so I did go to tells him off. He did say that he had been out all night and it was still too warm for him. Then he did say that he needed to speak to big Monty about a scary key. I did say that Monty wouldn’t all speak to anyone who had been out on the tiles all night, and that he was in his den anyways.

Ugly Cats did say he had not been out having fun on the tiles, but that he had been out doing scary key work. I did tell him he was not allowed to talk to my Monty about scary things because then Monty does get scared.


I don’t care if it’s good for me; I’m not wearing THAT

Then big Arky did comes out and stupid Ugly Cats did turn all fluffy and soft and stupid cutie-pie with his face. Arky did tickle him behind his ears and Ugly Cats did make stupid purry noises. I did tell Arky that I did need my ears rubbing but he didn’t hear me, so I did go to tell Monty.

Monty did say he would ask The Fairy when he got up, but he did have a sneaky suspicion that Arky was a cat person.

Then I did think abouts this and then I dids look at Arky and then I dids think he does have a lots of hair and then I dids think he might turn into cats! So I did use the iPaddy and did finds out that some people are half people and half wolf and then I dids go to gets into Monty’s den.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

136. The Limpets Marathon – by Chicken

On the tellybox in the week ago, we did see the big race at the Limpets. Everybody did miss the bus so they all did have to run 26 miles to get to the finish line. Monty did say this was supposed to happen, and it was called the marathon. Then he did all gibber on about the history of the race and he did talking about a place and a battle and I did go to look for hedgehogs in the garden.


Starting the marathon 

Then The Fairy did decide to do a marathon but not the running bit, because she is not as fitty fit fit as me and Monty. Arky did come with his camera and when we got there we did have to stop to look at nothing for ages. I was bored. Then we did see big ugly fluffy things with skinny greyhound legs who was all staring at us meanly, but me and Monty did ignoring because they wasn’t proper greyhounds. Monty did say they were sheep and I did say they were smelly.


What view?

We did walkering for big ages and we did all start to slow down. There was loads of too much wind near the end so we did want to get back in the safety car. When we did get home we had yummy yummy food because it was biggerer dinner day, and then me and Monty did fall asleep and do big sleeping because we had all done the Limpets marathon.

Then after this later I did want to go for another walks because I is higher active and The Fairy did say I was like a rechargeable batteries, but I did say I just wanted to go for another walks. Monty was all tired so he did pretending to be asleep so I did help him wake up by kicking him. Then he did get up and come with us.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

135. The Return Of Ugly Cat – by Monty

Yesterday morning, Chicken launched herself into the garden without doing a pre-launch safety assessment. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: you can’t just go out into the garden without checking that the coast is clear. If you don’t look before you leap, you are bound to be taken off guard.


Unraveling a ball of string event 

On this particular occasion, Chicken was stunned to find Ugly Cat sitting on the wall of my digging pit. She was so surprised, that she ran around in circles, shrieking hysterically in shock. This was fortunate for Ugly Cat, who was able to jump to safety on the fence without too much difficulty. Chicken then came to her senses and tried to reach the cat by jumping at the fence, until I firmly reminded her of her promise to be nicer to Ugly Cat.

To her credit, she did then welcome him back before chattering on about our Independent Olympics. Ugly Cat seemed very interested, and regaled us with stories of his own athletic ability. Apparently, he had been a champion tree climber in his youth, and could not be beaten in any activity which involved a ball. Of string.

Chicken then took off in search of a ball of string, whilst I spoke to Ugly Cat about his absence. It turned out that his unit had gone abroad on holiday, and that Ugly Cat had been put into kennels after flatly refusing to get on the plane. I congratulated him on his decision, citing extreme heat as a good reason for not going, which he agreed with.

He then said that he would be willing to judge a ball of string unraveling competition, as part of our Independent Olympic Games. Chicken re-appeared at this moment, with a ball of string which she had stolen from Arky-Ollie-Just. After a brief explanation of the rules, we set about unraveling it.

Chicken wrapped it around my digging pit a couple of times, before I took over and did the same. It was one of the most enjoyable events of the whole Games, which we both received a gold medal for, as Ugly Cat said he couldn’t separate us with the scoring.

I did feel it necessary to speak to The Fairy about the state of the athletics field, which is deteriorating rapidly. She said that the only way to improve it was to ban all competitors from going on it, so I withdrew my complaint and beat a hasty retreat before she had time to put the ban in place.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

134. Official Enquiry Finds In Chicken’s Favour

Controversy seems unavoidable for Monty The Great, as he continues his quest for gold medals at the Independent Olympic Games. Footage of the precision jumping has emerged, forcing a revision of the 15.266 score which he had been awarded on the day. By himself.

The recording clearly shows a slight hesitation before take-off and also that he did indeed put his foot down during his jump. The scoring system dictates that a penalty of 1 is deducted for each of these errors, meaning his score of 15.266 has been amended to 13.266 which puts him in second place behind Chicken’s winning score of 14.938.

Chicken said that she was pleased that the enquiry had revealed the truth, but that she was concerned that her gold medals were becoming quite heavy to carry. She said that she may need to buy a wheelbarrow to move them around.


The gloves are off

In an unpopular move, Monty The Great has cancelled the remaining gymnastics events, stating that time didn’t allow for unnecessary ‘messing around.’ He has announced that the aquatics will begin immediately, followed by the boxing tournament. When asked to comment about the revised placings  for the precision jumping, he said that he had to accept the result in good grace. Adding that the scoring system was a shambles which did not truly reflect the skills of all competitors.

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags:

133. Monty’s In The Dog House – by Chicken


In the dog house

My beautiful Monty big bum is in the dog house. He has all done the big weeing in the pit and I did win the digging competition and I is not going back in the pit.

We did do some more Limpets this morning, and Monty donty did win three useless sports medals.

First he did win the getting up first in the morning competition (5.01am).

Then he did get an extra medal for winning the waking up The Fairy for no good reason at 5.01am as well, when I didn’t even want to go out anyway because it’s raining cat gory (5.01am).

Then he did win the how many times can we get The Fairy to open the slidy door before 6am for no good reason because I didn’t want to go out anyway because it’s raining section (4).

Today we was all going to do the aqueducts, but it is rainy rain outside so Monty did say we hads to wait because he didn’t want to gets wet. I is looking forward to this bit, because I does love the water and I will win all the swimming competitions in my paddling pool. I have warned Monty that I will know what he’s done ifs the water turns green.

Monty did say that he was having a break from doing the Limpets because he all did have to finish the engine near me project with Arky, but I does think he is sulking because he didn’t win the digging. I am doing secret, secret training when he is not looking. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

132. Shock Exit For Top Athlete At Independent Olympic Games – BREAKING NEWS

The Independent Olympic Games is in disarray this afternoon, after one of the top athletes was disqualified from the 1m digging.

When asked to clarify the situation, The Fairy said that after a show of the upmost disrespect, Monty The Great had been totally, absolutely and irrevocably disqualified for weeing on the equipment.

She went on to say that, “It is clearly stated in the rules, that none of the apparatus is to be used as a toilet. Doing so negatively impacts on other competitors, and will not be tolerated.” 

Chicken, who was declared the winner by default, said that she was sad that her gold medal had been awarded under these circumstances, but that she intended to accept it anyway, boom, boom.

This is not the first controversy to hit the games. An official enquiry is underway after claims were made that a winning athlete had been judging himself.

Monty The Great was unavailable for comment.

Please note: this video contains footage of weeing.

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

131. Never Underestimate Monty The Great – by Monty

Chicken has rung the police about the judging of the precision jumping. She is adamant that she should have won, and has demanded an inquiry. Personally, I think the judge was professional and unbiased and that the best dog won. Chicken said that the judge couldn’t be trusted to be unbiased, because the judge was me. I disagree, and the result stands.

The next event which I have lined up is the digging. Points will be awarded for speed, technique, the depth of the finished hole, and how many legs were used in the execution. The highest available score for the last requirement being four.

Chicken believes she will win this one, as I have never been in the digging pit. I warned her not to underestimate me, but she said she wasn’t worried because she thought I was unprepared, and that I couldn’t even compete if I was not brave enough to step into the arena in the first place.

However, I have secretly employed a coach who has helped me develop my routine. After many weeks of assessing the pit, I have finally made the decision to go in it.

This did involve the dismantling of the side wall, but all’s fair in love and sport, as they say.

Monty The Great


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

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