Posts Tagged With: Wild birds

245. Wildlife, Wildlife Everywhere, Nor Any Brain In Sight – by Monty

Over the last few months I have struggled to keep on top of the invading wildlife. Some incidents have been more serious than others, though none more outrageous than the Brainless Bird Incident of June 2019. 

For whatever reason, there is a hole in a brick on the outside wall and a starling built a nest in the cavity. It threw out a large amount of insulation and set up shop. When the birdlets hatched, we could hear them through the living room wall.


Criminal damage

One evening, The Fairy said she could hear a bird in the downstairs toilet facility. She persisted with this notion and a few hours later, determined to smash open the toilet ceiling with a hammer. Luckily, the only tool on hand was a screwdriver so she decided to open the ceiling fan instead because that was where the noise was the loudest.



To my surprise, she reached in and extracted two very noisy birds. The Fairy put them in a box and rang the emergency vet who didn’t mind at all that he had been called in the middle of the night. The mother bird hadn’t been seen since dinner time and the birdlets didn’t have any wing feathers. The Fairy thought that if she pushed them back into the hole in the wall they would just make their way to the toilet again. She decided to take care of them overnight. About an hour later, she found another one looking out of the fan! The following day the birds went off to the wonderful Rase Vets.





Which leaves us with this question: What kind of brainless animal purposely tries to break into a toilet?

I rang The Station with regards to having them arrested for Breaking and Entering and Criminal Damage. PC Dave said that unfortunately there’s no law against being stupid.

Naturally, he was referring to the birdlets and not to myself.


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144. Disproportionate Reaction – by Monty

I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.


Total over-reaction 

In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.

I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.

He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.


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142. First Meeting Of The Watch – by Monty

The first meeting of The Watch was well attended. I believe Ugly Cat must have informed everyone of the time and venue, as I know that I didn’t say a word. We had the meeting at dusk so that the nocturnal animals could partake.


A mole in the pit

It appears that many of them are afraid that the fox may eat them, and feel that it requires removal from the area. Those present included pigeons, magpies, garden birds, bats, frogs, spiders, a mole which surfaced in my digging pit and – against my advice – the hedgehog.

Chicken displayed a level of wisdom I had not expected, by suggesting that the birds sleep high up out of its reach, and the rest of them hide. The spiders were deemed not to be in too much danger, but chose to stay anyway, out of civic duty.

The hedgehog seems to be the most at risk, so I suggested he employ his arsenal of spikes to protect himself. He then said that I was useless, which prompted a rather severe reaction from Chicken. He was only saved by the quick thinking of The Fairy, who disrupted the meeting, saying it was too late to have friends round to play.

Ugly Cat insisted that the fox needed relocating, to allow the “present system of management to remain in place.” I’ll admit to being a little suspicious of this comment. My military training tells me there is more to the situation than is being discussed openly, a sentiment which I shared with Chicken.

She is now on the Internet, researching conspiracy theories.


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140. Press Release 1 – by Chicken


Monty McDonty and Ugly Face Cats has all made a secret organ eye station called The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Watch. They did do it all in a secret at my house in secret. I is the most importance because I does have to deal with all the peoples and all the wildlife and all the press.

We is going to do plans tonights in the night time and the fox does have to look out and then Monty did not share the roll sausage in a bag. Bum.

It is all secret so nobody is allowed to know what is happening tonight when the wildlife with the hoods is coming to my house to do plans. The end.

By Stand-Still-Chicken 

Public Relations Officer

The Hooded Neighbours Wildlife Fox Animal Watch Hood

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139. The Wildlife Watch – by Monty

Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.

I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.


The Watch

Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.

Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.

Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.


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101. Expanding The F.A.R.T? – by Monty


Shining in the sun

It has been very warm and sunny over the last few days so Chicken and I have been sunbathing. The Fairy put up a large umbrella, as presumably she didn’t trust the weatherman and was preparing for rain. I will admit to being cautious by nature, but this really was being over cautious if you ask me. Having said that, I do admire someone who is prepared for every eventuality, and this is England, so not impossible that it should rain at any given moment.

I met with Ugly Cat yesterday evening, who was sitting on next door’s shed. He was in a good mood, saying he was looking forward to sitting on my new shed. I informed him that I had not yet allocated seating positions on my shed, but that I had already rejected applications from the pigeons and the magpies.

Ugly Cat said that he could be very useful from such a high vantage point, and could provide me with important information about any activity in the immediate vicinity. He started to tell me about some possible illegal fracking activity which he believes is taking place in a large field next to the estate, when we were interrupted by one of the above mentioned magpies. This bird proceeded to tell me that as a flyer capable of reaching quite high altitude, he would be infinitely more valuable than Ugly Cat, and requested that I re-assess his shed-sitting application.

Ugly Cat then lost control of himself and started hissing and spitting. He was on the point of launching an attack, when out of nowhere, Chicken launched her own. She flung herself at the fence and both the magpie and Ugly Cat scattered. I told her very sternly that I had been in the middle of an intelligence gathering operation, and was displeased with her having sabotaged it. She replied that she had come to play with me; called me boring, and ran off to find a toy.

I determined to contact all members of the F.A.R.T. in order to discuss the information I had received. After making a round of phone calls, the meeting has been set for Wednesday, and will take the form of a BBQ as suggested by PC Dave from the Station. Bob from the Council agreed to come (on this basis only), and I therefore feel it is imperative that Pete Who Can Build Anything visits my premises beforehand. If Bob sees that Chicken has been continuing with the trench building programme without planning permission, he may decide to prosecute. If we can show that we have firm plans in place to repair the damage, we may get away with it.


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81. Something Strange Happened On The Way To The Field – by Monty

We went to the lake yesterday morning and saw a lot of wildlife. I am not a big fan, as they are an unruly bunch that don’t seem to have any discipline at all. However, we did see a fox which ran across our path and along the lane. It was beautiful and I really wanted to catch it up and speak with it. I was unfortunately thwarted in my attempts to reach it, as The Fairy’s slow pace and weight held me back. We also saw a family of ducks. I couldn’t count the ducklings accurately, but I estimate there being about 57.

I had intended this outing to be a training session and started at a brisk pace. We walk the same route everyday, which allows me to calculate improvement by seeing how long it takes us. Chicken sabotaged it by stopping to sniff every blade of grass. It took us longer than it usually does. At one point, The Fairy tried to pull us off the lane to a patch of grass to allow a lady to pass by with her miniature chihuahua. I absolutely refused to move to the grass, as this was not on our designated route. The lady had to pick up her dog as she passed. But the route is the route, and cannot be changed under any circumstance.


Guard duty in the sunshine 

In the afternoon we headed out to the field. As we left our street, a cat appeared in front of us whom Chicken said was Ugly Cat. As we turned into the narrow alleyway, it again appeared from the hedge. It must have run through some back gardens to head us off. Half way along the alley, we turn down a cut-through which allows us to avoid a corrugated metal fence which unsettles The Fairy. It is not fair to walk her past it when it frightens her.

At the end of this cut-through is a bin. Ugly Cat was sitting on it. By this time I was becoming suspicious. On our return journey, the cat was again spotted ahead of us in the alley. It was almost as if the cat knew our route and was purposely putting itself in our path. I am tempted to say it was following us, but it always appeared in front of us, as if it knew where we would be walking before we got there.

This concerned me somewhat, as this is our secret walk which forms part of our patrol. How could Ugly Cat know of our secret patrol? I attempted to discuss the matter with Chicken, but she was giggling to herself and singing, “Boom, boom, Chicky, chic.” I wrote a report when I got home, to ensure I didn’t forget any of the details. I will have to take action if anything similar happens again.


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74. Don’t Drop The Sausage – by The Fairy


More sausages?

Poor Monty hurt his foot yesterday. I didn’t realise at first because he hadn’t cried and I was busy on my computer. It was only when I got up to go into the kitchen to deal with a tray of burning sausages, that I realised something was wrong. There was blood on the floor and Monty was licking his foot.

I took the sausages out of the oven and then carefully cleaned his foot which was bleeding from between two of his toes. I then had to mop the floor with hot water and disinfectant. When I’d done that I took Monty a sausage to make him feel better, and gave Chicken one because it’s never a good idea to leave her out where food is concerned.

A few seconds later they both turned up in the kitchen wanting another sausage. I think Monty actually ran, so I’m not that worried about his foot. Anyway, I gave Chicken a sausage and she dropped it into the mop bucket and disinfectant so I had to give her another one. Then Monty dropped his into his water bowl on the way to his bed. He managed to fish it out before Chicken could steal it.

Today we went to the lake and saw geese, swans, ducks, two pigeons being dive-bombed by what looked like a couple of house sparrows, and something that I was convinced was a penguin, but turned out to be a magpie. I also saw a rabbit about two foot from the path, but neither of my eagle-eyed dogs did.

I was supposed to be getting the lawn mower out today but luckily it has rained. This also means I haven’t been out and cleared the dog mess off the garden, which is fine by me because I hate doing it. It feels too much like outdoor housework. I am seriously considering ordering 200 dung beetles to do the job for me.

The Fairy

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63. All’s Well – by Monty

I have made contact with the Easter Bunny who assures me that he is more than capable of looking after himself. He said that there have been many instances over the years when people have wanted to keep him all to themselves as a pet, but as far as he can gather, he is still as free as a bird. He also said that he doesn’t usually deliver to dogs but that he would see what he could do this year, seeing as I had shown him so much concern.


Sunbathing Chicken 

Chicken is out sunbathing as it is such a lovely day, and I have already completed all my daily security checks. Although Chicken did not seek my prior permission before beginning her second trench, I have decided to approve it on the grounds of good workmanship.

The only fly in the ointment so to speak, is that The Fairy has put some dried grubs of some description onto the top of my wee station in an attempt to attract wild birds into the garden. We really are not singing from the same hymn sheet.


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47. The Early Worm Catches The Cat – by Monty

I have only been up an hour and there have been three unauthorised invasions already. Three separate bits of wildlife have attempted to gain entry, but have been thwarted by my razor sharp reflexes. Two birds – one black, one brown – and a cat. Chicken insist it was Ugly Cat, and I’m inclined to agree as I only saw its back end, and it wasn’t pretty.

The birds I can understand, because The Fairy had once again put food out on my grass/mud. She really should stop doing this. The cat was walking along the back fence and we couldn’t get out into the garden until it had disappeared, because The Fairy is so slow. I swear she does it on purpose.


Following government advice

We ran together to the fence in a show of strength to ensure Ugly Cat didn’t come back. I then proceeded to rid the garden of food sources to deter the birds, as recommended by the government. This is all I can do at the moment, but I intend to stay alert lest there be a further assault.

Monty The Great



Message from Chicken: Birdies and Ugly Cats has no chance.


Alert Monty

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