Posts Tagged With: Training

230. Worst Greyhound Owner EVER! – by Monty

Chicken’s tenth birthday was on the 19th of July. My tenth birthday was three weeks later. The Fairy forgot Chicken’s birthday. She suddenly realised her mistake a few weeks later, apologised, and promised to have a joint party for both of us on my birthday.

My birthday came and went without acknowledgment. I had cleared my diary for the purpose of celebrating in style, only to find absolutely no evidence at all of any kind of social event, gift giving ceremony or newspaper announcement.

Thank goodness for Arky and Grandma. Arky provided Chicken and I with a stunning selection of steaks. I ate mine – Chicken just sucked hers down all in one go. Chew your food I tell her – you’ll enjoy it more.

Then came the creme de la creme of presents: The Desperate Dan Cow Pie. It also contained pork and green beans. This wonderful invention was delivered to us by Grandma and Grandad. Grandma had baked this pie because she loves us, but also because she felt sorry for us, as the one who takes care of us had completely forgotten.

The Fairy is trying to get back into our good books and has offered an array of excuses, none of which compensate for her total lack of good owner credentials.

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The Desperate Dan Cow Pie

I cannot help feeling that I have taken my eye off the ball with regards to on-going owner training. I shall have to start a new training programme, with a view to kicking her back into shape.

Monty The Great

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170. The Downside Of Altruism – by Monty

As you may know, I was very much looking forward to my upcoming wedding to Chicken which I have been planning for some time now. Nothing short of a global disaster was going to come between my bride and I.

Alas, such is fate!

I have terrible news to disseminate. News which will rock the very foundations of civilization.

I received a note from Father Christmas early this morning, informing me that he and Rudolf would be unable to attend my wedding on Christmas Eve. Naturally, I rang him immediately to ascertain the circumstances.

Rudolf has broken his nose. I jest not.

Father Christmas said that he was terribly worried, as it was essential that his sleigh be guided by night, and that Rudolf was the only one of his reindeer to hold the necessary qualifications. He went on to explain that he only had a few days to train a replacement and to apply for the required authorisation, without which they would not be allowed to fly.

He has several reindeer with the required number of solo flying hours under their belts, but none who have taken the lead role on a Christmas Eve, which is typically the busiest night of the year. He said that if he devoted his time to the training, he would not be able to complete the mountain of paperwork required by the Council, and if that wasn’t processed in time, he would not receive his flying permit. This would be disastrous for billions of children the world over.

Naturally, and without hesitation, I offered my services vis a vis the training. It was often said of me that I flew around the track, which I believe makes me the ideal candidate for the job. Father Christmas was extremely grateful for my offer of assistance, and after warning me that I would have to work right up until the moment he set off, officially engaged me as Head Coach.

I am honoured.

The downside to this altruism is that I have to postpone my Christmas Eve wedding. I sat Chicken down to explain the situation fully, and asked her to consider the wellbeing of little children everywhere. She was upset yes, but actually took the news quite well.

I am extremely proud to say that she reacted in a mature and understanding way. Bravo Chicken! 

Monty The Great, Head Coach to the house of Christmas

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141. The Independent Olympic Games Closing Ceremony – by Monty

Both Chicken and I have fully enjoyed our Independent Olympic Games. I have decided not to count up medals, in the interest of friendship.

The ceremony begins with Chicken showing the spirit of love between competitors through the medium of modern dance, before my big entrance from the back of the auditorium.

We then simulate some of the events we took part in, like track running and jumping, though my digging display was obscured by the flowers.

There was a slight altercation towards the end due to Chicken not following my choreography, but I do not believe it detracts from how successful the performance was.

Monty

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133. Monty’s In The Dog House – by Chicken

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In the dog house

My beautiful Monty big bum is in the dog house. He has all done the big weeing in the pit and I did win the digging competition and I is not going back in the pit.

We did do some more Limpets this morning, and Monty donty did win three useless sports medals.

First he did win the getting up first in the morning competition (5.01am).

Then he did get an extra medal for winning the waking up The Fairy for no good reason at 5.01am as well, when I didn’t even want to go out anyway because it’s raining cat gory (5.01am).

Then he did win the how many times can we get The Fairy to open the slidy door before 6am for no good reason because I didn’t want to go out anyway because it’s raining section (4).

Today we was all going to do the aqueducts, but it is rainy rain outside so Monty did say we hads to wait because he didn’t want to gets wet. I is looking forward to this bit, because I does love the water and I will win all the swimming competitions in my paddling pool. I have warned Monty that I will know what he’s done ifs the water turns green.

Monty did say that he was having a break from doing the Limpets because he all did have to finish the engine near me project with Arky, but I does think he is sulking because he didn’t win the digging. I am doing secret, secret training when he is not looking. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

 

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131. Never Underestimate Monty The Great – by Monty

Chicken has rung the police about the judging of the precision jumping. She is adamant that she should have won, and has demanded an inquiry. Personally, I think the judge was professional and unbiased and that the best dog won. Chicken said that the judge couldn’t be trusted to be unbiased, because the judge was me. I disagree, and the result stands.

The next event which I have lined up is the digging. Points will be awarded for speed, technique, the depth of the finished hole, and how many legs were used in the execution. The highest available score for the last requirement being four.

Chicken believes she will win this one, as I have never been in the digging pit. I warned her not to underestimate me, but she said she wasn’t worried because she thought I was unprepared, and that I couldn’t even compete if I was not brave enough to step into the arena in the first place.

However, I have secretly employed a coach who has helped me develop my routine. After many weeks of assessing the pit, I have finally made the decision to go in it.

This did involve the dismantling of the side wall, but all’s fair in love and sport, as they say.

Monty The Great

 

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129. Independent Olympic Games – by Monty

I did some research in the area of outstanding athletic ability, and found some very interesting information. I had initially planned on entering only the running races at the Olympics, as this is where my talent really lies. However, the fastest man on Earth, Usain Bolt, has never exceeded 30mph, which is no competition for me. I thought it would be unfair to compete against him, so have decided to train for one of the other disciplines, with a view to entering the 2020 Olympic Games instead.

In the meantime, I have organised a schedule of athletic events, in which Chicken and I can compete against each other in our own Independent Olympic Games.

I decided to start with gymnastics, in an event which I have called precision jumping. The object is to clear an obstacle in the most graceful way. Points are awarded for asthetics, technical ability, execution and landing.

As usual, Chicken went first, and put in an acceptable performance, in that she did jump. I then followed, showing how it should have been done. When the points came in, I had won with a score of 15.266 against Chicken’s 14.938.

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Day 1 of the Independent Olympic Games

She was furious. She demanded to speak to the stupid judges. She said that there was no way I could have scored that highly, as I had put my foot down during the jump. This is total rubbish of course. I think I would have known if I’d put my own foot down.

When we got home, I took it upon myself to lecture her about good sportsmanship, and she took it upon herself to go and sulk in the pit. This really is not the kind of behaviour I expect at the Independent Olympic Games.

Monty

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119. The Triumphant Return Of Monty The Great – by Monty The Great

Two days ago I was invited to return to my kennels. I was pleased about this, as I spent four years of my life there and was a particular favourite. Upon entering the establishment, I was greeted by a round of applause greyhound style, which I felt was fitting.

I completed an inspection of the premises by 8am and was then settled into a double room with quilts, along with Chicken who had insisted on coming along with me. I had a long conversation with the large greyhound next door; an old friend of mine called Big Mac. He’s currently training to take part in next year’s Britain’s Strongest Man competition, so we whiled away the time talking about training techniques, and the discrimination that greyhounds face when trying to enter human competitions.

Late in the morning I delivered two training sessions to separate groups of greyhounds. The first was on counter steering, and aimed at those still racing. Cornering well can make all the difference. The second was a lecture which I delivered to those who had already, or were about to, retire. It was based on the book How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There, and also on my own experience. I was heckled throughout by one particular Chicken, who kept shouting bum from the back. I rose above it.

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Back at home after a long day

Later in the afternoon, I had a small corn removed from my foot which made me feel a lot better and allowed me to walk properly again without pain. This situation was short lived however, as I cut the top of my front foot whilst conducting a parade in the paddock. Chicken said she wanted one too, but I said she wouldn’t be able to cope with it. She said she could cope with about ten of them, which I doubt.

I don’t like to complain as you know, but if I had to complain about anything, it would be the caterers. They completely forgot my steak order. But I don’t like to complain.

Monty The Great

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93. Sporting Injury – by Monty

I have had a rather unfortunate week. I caught my nail whilst out galloping with Chicken in the garden and it bled all over the living room floor. Then I slipped over and scraped my ankle on the pavers during a training session, and took the skin off it. This kept bleeding on and off for a few days so I had to have it bandaged up by Grandma. I have also had some mild stomach problems, but I don’t like to complain.

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Injury No.2

The thing about being ill or injured in my unit, is that you get very well taken care of. Too well, perhaps? I have been cuddled and kissed and fussed over by both of them. In fact, I haven’t had a minute’s peace and if I have to answer the, “Are you alright?” question one more time I think I will explode. They have changed my name to Poorly Monty. How dare they? On top of this, I’m being served dog food! This will continue until my stomach is better apparently. Dog food! Really?

I have received an official complaint about Chicken, from Ugly Cat. He started the conversation by offering his congratulations. I’m not sure which of my accomplishments he was referring to but I accepted anyway. He then said that Chicken had been rude to him, by not thanking him for the gifts which he had left. It turns out that the rotten fish head was his idea of a great present. I have no idea why he would want to give a present to a dog that is always trying to eat him, but each to his own.

I tried to speak to Chicken about it, but for the last few days she has been more distracted than usual. It was impossible to get her attention as she’s constantly singing something to herself and muttering about Arky-Ollie-Just coming home. Also, I don’t want to go too close in case she calls me Poorly Monty again and tries to look after me.

Monty

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81. Something Strange Happened On The Way To The Field – by Monty

We went to the lake yesterday morning and saw a lot of wildlife. I am not a big fan, as they are an unruly bunch that don’t seem to have any discipline at all. However, we did see a fox which ran across our path and along the lane. It was beautiful and I really wanted to catch it up and speak with it. I was unfortunately thwarted in my attempts to reach it, as The Fairy’s slow pace and weight held me back. We also saw a family of ducks. I couldn’t count the ducklings accurately, but I estimate there being about 57.

I had intended this outing to be a training session and started at a brisk pace. We walk the same route everyday, which allows me to calculate improvement by seeing how long it takes us. Chicken sabotaged it by stopping to sniff every blade of grass. It took us longer than it usually does. At one point, The Fairy tried to pull us off the lane to a patch of grass to allow a lady to pass by with her miniature chihuahua. I absolutely refused to move to the grass, as this was not on our designated route. The lady had to pick up her dog as she passed. But the route is the route, and cannot be changed under any circumstance.

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Guard duty in the sunshine 

In the afternoon we headed out to the field. As we left our street, a cat appeared in front of us whom Chicken said was Ugly Cat. As we turned into the narrow alleyway, it again appeared from the hedge. It must have run through some back gardens to head us off. Half way along the alley, we turn down a cut-through which allows us to avoid a corrugated metal fence which unsettles The Fairy. It is not fair to walk her past it when it frightens her.

At the end of this cut-through is a bin. Ugly Cat was sitting on it. By this time I was becoming suspicious. On our return journey, the cat was again spotted ahead of us in the alley. It was almost as if the cat knew our route and was purposely putting itself in our path. I am tempted to say it was following us, but it always appeared in front of us, as if it knew where we would be walking before we got there.

This concerned me somewhat, as this is our secret walk which forms part of our patrol. How could Ugly Cat know of our secret patrol? I attempted to discuss the matter with Chicken, but she was giggling to herself and singing, “Boom, boom, Chicky, chic.” I wrote a report when I got home, to ensure I didn’t forget any of the details. I will have to take action if anything similar happens again.

Monty

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78. Mixed Results – by Monty

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The damage can be clearly seen

Yesterday The Fairy cut the mud in the back garden. It looks a lot tidier and the full extent of the damage can now be clearly seen. Ugly Cat appeared on the fence and had a long, private conversation with Chicken. I did not get involved in this, as I was busy guiding The Fairy at the time. I find that running directly in the path of the lawn mower is the best technique here.

Last night we embarked on our first reconnaissance mission and I’m pleased to report it was a success of sorts. I had devised a recording system to allow all members of the team to accurately document any findings. The recording sheets were returned to me in various states of disrepair, and did not yield as much information as I had hoped.

Bob from the Council screwed up his bit of paper as soon as we left the unit and threw it on the floor, but was asked by PC Dave from the Station to pick it up straight away as it contravened the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act 2005. The Fairy mentioned that you can report littering to the Council so Bob said it made more sense for him to report himself to himself in the morning, thus negating the need for Dave to handcuff him and take him to the Station. Dave agreed to this, in the interest of reducing the amount of paperwork he had to do.

Dave had used his to draft out a written warning to Bob about littering; The Fairy had drawn a basic street plan and marked on it every shrub or plant that she liked the look of, with the intention of returning in daylight to inspect them further; and Chicken had used hers to write a love letter to Jurgen Klopp. It became apparent that more training was required vis-a-vis the recording sheets. It is my belief that those responsible for the illegal fracking had got wind of our patrol, and shut down operations for the night. In this respect, our patrol was highly successful.

Upon our return we had a long debriefing over cake and coffee, during which it was again raised as an issue that Chicken was responsible for all the damage in the garden. Chicken said that it was Ugly Cat, and also went on to accuse me of contributing to the disintegration of the lawn without realising it. Outrageous!

Does she think I’m some sort of idiot?

Monty

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