Dear Mr Lovely Rudolf,
I is very very really sorry for being rudy rude to you last year. You is a lovely reindeer and everybody loves you and very sorry.
From Chicken xxx
Merrily Christmas, Rudolf!
Then I did do an apology to stupid Rudolf because Monty donty did sticking up for me with the mean polar bear. He did say that the polar bear was all staring at me because he thinks I is so pretty and I does know this is true. Monty did also say I will gets loads of a lot of presents and I does think one of them will be a puinnea gig and I will play with it and look after it but not eats it.
Monty did say I hads to be a good girl and I did say that I will be a good girl and I didn’t say that I all wouldn’t do anything or nots do anything in extra change for my sorry letter and I dids tell Monty that he is my favourite and I does think he is all great and I did never think of anything to do to make him embarrassed because I is a good girl.
The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.
Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.
I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.
1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.
2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.
Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.
No thanks necessary.
‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.
Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.
Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.
Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.
Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.
Monty donty has all stolen my eclectic bed. He did try to sit on it but I was all sitting on it because it is mine and The Fairy did buy it for me. Then Monty did go on my settee and it is mine as well. I does not know how to all sits on my eclectic bed and my settee at the same time. Monty’s bottom is massive.
Then Monty did say I did have to say apologise to Rudolf and I did say that I did not have to. He did say that ifs I does apologising he would give me a carrot but I doesn’t like carrots. Then he did say that the carrot could be something else that I wants, so I did say that I wants to show the picture of Monty’s Easter Island Head Poo and he did say no. He did say the people would be upset because it is all rude but I did say that is the only way I will all say sorry to stupid Rudolf.
My new Christmas present.
For Christmas I have asked for a puinnea gig. I will look after it and play with it and not eats it. Last year I did ask for a baby rabbit but I dids not get one so this year I has asked for a puinnea gig. Monty did say that I wouldn’t get a Christmas present ifs I doesn’t say sorry. Bum.
I did say that I wouldn’t say sorry unless I could all show my Easter Island Head Poo photo. I did tell Monty not to be selfish. BOOM! BOOM!
I’m still on it now.
There has been talk of arthritis in regards to my foot. During the recent cold weather I have been reduced to hopping. The usual remedy administered by The Fairy in the event of illness or injury is sausages and roast chicken. Unfortunately, this time it did not work. It helped a lot. But it did not work.
I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of an electric bed, which is working. The Fairy has produced an electric blanket from somewhere and has built up a rather super bed for me, complete with Christmas blanket. This is the level of treatment that I deserve in my retirement.
The first round of talks about the Christmas cancelling situation have broken down. Chicken put forward a proposal which was totally unacceptable. The Fairy was inclined to consider it, but I put my non-arthritic foot down. I fully understand the importance of reaching a settlement, but my self respect is worth more than Christmas.
Where’s your Christmas spirit gone, Chicken?
This morning I received a communication from Father Christmas. He is not in a good mood. Apparently, Rudolf is refusing to fly unless Chicken apologises for last year. As you may recall, Chicken was rather rude to Rudolf and the poor thing was left out in the cold after being led to believe he was to be the guest of honour at a meal at our house. The invitation had to be rescinded at the last minute due to Chicken. I don’t mind telling you that I was rather embarrassed.
Naturally, and as usual, Chicken is refusing to apologise.
If I do not manage to illicit a heartfelt apology from her, Christmas will have to be cancelled. The first round of negotiations stalled at the first meeting held this morning.
Chicken is simply refusing to entertain the idea that she was in the wrong, so I will have to use my extensive diplomatic skills to find a solution. Failure is not an option. The Fairy has suggested that I provide some form of carrot to help Chicken make the right decision. In theory, a little bit of give and take on both sides should result in a satisfactory outcome.
Time is of the essence. I have told Chicken that she should go away and think about what she would need in order to be able to provide said apology. Hopefully she will come back with a proposal which will allow for a settlement to be drafted.
I feel very bad about postponing the wedding, and I know that poor Chicken was very sad. She was very excited about having Father Christmas and Rudolf there but was so disappointed when it didn’t happen, that I have decided to give her a little surprise on New Year’s Eve to try to make up for it.
I have invited Rudolf over for tea! I expect she’ll be thrilled.
Father Christmas can’t make it due to a prior engagement, but at least Chicken will be able to meet Rudolf in person. If I’m not mistaken, and I rarely am, I think they will get on very well.
Let’s hope there aren’t any fireworks to spoil the night.
I is having a great Christmas and I is having a lot of much goody food. I all did not get my baby rabbit but I did all get a lovely crunchy gingerbread man who is a snowman and he does have a crunchy body and a squeaky head.
Father Christmas did give him to me and I does love Father Christmas but I does not love Rudolf anymore still because he did ruin my big wedding day. Monty did say he had a big special surprise for me on New Year’s Eve so I does know it is my new wedding day and Monty is planning a special big special wedding for me. Rudolf is not coming but Father Christmas is all allowed to come.
Today we did go for walks in the frosty white outside. The Fairy did look silly because she did keeps slipping and I did not slip. So I win.
Chicken got up this morning at 6.45am to check if Father Christmas had been.
She’d also got up at 5.30am, 4.15am, 3.00am and 1.55am, which was only two hours after she’d first gone to sleep. Everyone in the house is exhausted.
We were very fortunate, in that Father Christmas had indeed visited us as promised. He brought us some lovely treats and a noisy toy each. We are both very pleased.
I had a trying but satisfactory couple of days working with him and his reindeer, and found him to be benevolent and extremely jolly. It was a humbling experience and I performed the necessary duties better than anyone else would have been able to.
Fortunately, Rudolf recovered as if by magic just a few hours before takeoff. Personally, I do not believe he was as injured as he made out. It is entirely possible that he just fancied a day off but panicked when he realised that one of his peers was about to take the reins, so to speak.
Chicken is having a great day, and is currently wearing a Father Christmas hat. She has been pretending to be him all day, and has perfected the Ho! Ho! Ho!
Chicken and I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas. We hope you all had a lovely day.
Today I was big sad but then my Monty did come back and I was not sad. Rudolf’s nose did get better and I does think it was Father Christmas with his magic like I did asked in my letter.
Then I was big mad because I did not have my wedding.
Then I was excited because Monty did say that Father Christmas was going to bring us a present because Monty did help him. I does hope it’s my baby rabbit that I will look after him and play with him and not eat him. Now I all cannot sleep so I is going to stay awake all night to wait for Father Christmas to come down the chimney.
Then it was all bigger exciting because Monty did say that he did have an extra special surprise for me on New Year’s Eve and I does not know what it is and I does know that that is our new wedding day! It is all going to be the best wedding day EVER.
Then I did decided to kiss my Monty but then I did stop because his nose did look funny wrong. He did spend much too much very a lot of time with stupid Rudolf and Rudolf’s nose did rub off on him. Stupid Rudolf.
Monty The Red-nosed Greyhound