Monthly Archives: June 2017

202. Is It Legal? – by Monty

Is it legal?

This is the question I have put to the RSPCA; the vet; the lady who runs the rehoming centre where we came from; the trainer who had the honour of looking after me for four years; the local NHS representative; Bob at the Council; the manager of the dogfood shop we are banned from for weeing repeatedly on their stock, and the postman.

Is it legal to feed thoroughbred greyhounds on grit and builders’ gravel?

The answer apparently, is yes. As long as said grit and builders’ gravel is labelled as dog food.

Outrageous! Where are my sausages? My steaks? My 12 dentastix a day, my cakes, my ham sandwiches, my black pudding, my roast chicken, my custard creams and my ice-cream? I miss them.

Just because somebody with 40 years experience of working with greyhounds said I was slightly overweight, doesn’t mean I am. It certainly doesn’t mean I should be put on a diet. Outrageous!



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201. Monty’s Tantrum – by Chicken

Monty is all not coping with not being the Prime Ministers; he is not coping with being inside because of the hotty hot, and he is not coping with being on the big diet.

I was all going to kick him in the head to make him stop doing the tantrumming but I did deciding and did decide not to stop him because he did have his teeth with him.


Monty’s tantrum


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200. Sad Monty – by Chicken

My poor bum bum Monty is all not happy because he is sad. He did find out that we is all not the Prime Ministers and I did say he did need to find out which Minister didn’t put the Greyhounds Is In Charge Party on the bit of paper which people got to tick, and then he should chase him around the field.

Monty did say he would look into it but he did say it in a sad voice. I did make him feel better yesterday by running fasterer than him around my racey track but today we has to stay in again for the rest of the day today because the hotty hot sun is back.

I is all going to do shouting at him later to see if that does cheer him up. Sad Monty bum bum.


My sad Monty 

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

199. Election Conspiracy – by Monty

It is entirely possible that Chicken and I may not be the Prime Ministers. This is the conclusion I have drawn, after looking at all the available evidence. The official line is that our Greyhounds In Charge Party was never put forward to run in the election. I, however, smell CONSPIRACY.


Hung parliament 

I intend to continue with my fight, and will not stop until I have taken up my rightful place as leader of this country. Chicken concurs. Our Deputy Prime Minister has literally been hung out to dry. On the washing line. The Mum of our Refreshments Minister, Miss Daisydog, said it was a hung parliament and she was right. Big Ted concurs.


For the last few days, Chicken and I have been held prisoner in our own unit. There was some talk of The Fairy saying that the patio was hurting her feet, as a result of which, we are not allowed to go for walks. This makes no sense at all. It is very cool in the living room so I see no reason why anybody would suggest it is too hot to go for a simple walk. I have made my objections known. Unfortunately, all my jumping around and protestations have had a nil effect.

So. I’m not the Prime Minister yet, I’m stuck in the house because of a small amount of weather, AND I have been informed that I am on a diet. Hoorah.


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198. Top Politician Gives Up Seat Following Cabinet Row – by Monty

This morning, I decided to stretch out on the settee to watch the news. This would have been a pleasant experience, had it not been for the fact that Chicken was already on it.

Chicken declared it to be her seat and I tried to remain patient with her whilst explaining that all the furniture was to be shared. She couldn’t quite understand this concept, citing the issue of the cabinet.

She went on to say that she wouldn’t agree to share her seat unless I agreed to allow the troll to live in the new cabinet. I said that the cabinet had already been formed, which she countered by stating that it hadn’t even been delivered yet, nevermind formed.

The discussion went on for quite a while, finally evolving into an almighty row. She registered her disapproval of the new cabinet; the fact that Ugly Cat would be allowed in it; the fact that Troll would not be allowed in it, and quite out of the blue – the fact that I had eaten a roll sausage in a bag without sharing.

Realising that there was no possibility of a reasonable conversation, I did the only thing that I could do under the circumstances: I stretched out to my full size, covered the whole of the settee, and ousted her.


You can’t watch the news from the floor

Chicken gave up her seat, gibbering on about bringing the whole cabinet down as soon as she had the chance. I will be glad when we move into Number 10. We will have more than one seat and more than one cabinet there.


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197. Biker Gove Is Back On TV – by Monty

The police have been round. By Police, I mean PC Dave from the Station. He said he had spent a stressful two hours trying to persuade the Duty Sergeant not to arrest Chicken for threatening behaviour. He said he was only able to vouch for her as he knew her and her big mouth so well, and under other circumstances she would have been down the Station by now.

Following a very stern talking to, Chicken went off with a bee in her bonnet, and noticeably quieter. There is no excuse for threatening to kick the Police, and Dave and I had a thoroughly engaging conversation about the future of the Police Force.

I came up with a plan of action that will instantly solve the issue of police numbers. It is quite a simple plan really:


Every time someone commits a crime, the police spend hours, days, weeks and sometimes years dealing with it. If people stop committing crimes, then the Police will always have enough officers available to deal with emergencies. I will implement this plan once I am firmly established in Number 10.

Two Britisih Policemen in Traditional Helmets on Crowd Control

We support the Police and all the emergency services 

On another point, Biker Gove is back on the television for another series, which should prove very entertaining. I have been following the news closely over the last few days, and am shocked to find that another political party is also trying to take my job. There is nothing more exasperating than someone who isn’t the Prime Minister, thinking that he is. UNBELIEVABLE!



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196. Furious Chicken Takes Phone Into Her Own Hands – by Chicken


My big job as Prime Ministers has all been stolen away by somebody else! Monty did keeps saying I did have to stay calm but I did kick him in the head. Then I did ring the police. The police did say that PC Dave was not at the station so I did say I would come and kick them in the head and then Monty did take the phone off me.

I did thinking and thinking and did decide to ring the Queen. The Queen was a bit busy and couldn’t all come to the phone but the man did say that Mrs May-Or-May-Not had already been to see the Queen first before me and my Monty. I did not tell him that I would kick him in the head.

Monty did say not to worry because he was doing a big investigating and we was the Prime Ministers but he did need to sort out the static tickle error. I was still angry mad but he said that when it was sorted out that we will both go together to see the Queen together and then I was happy.


I has picked my new hat

I did ask The Fairy ifs I could get a new hat to go to see the Queen and she did say yes. And then I was more better happy than before and Monty didn’t get all kicked in the head again.





Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

195. Election Result Declared Invalid – by Monty

I awoke on Friday morning expecting to take up my post as one of the Prime Ministers, only to find that an enormous mistake had been made. For some reason, not a single one of our votes had been included in the final tally. As you can imagine, I was nonplussed to say the least.

I immediately decided to ring the Government, but as Chicken and I are the Government, found myself in a rather difficult situation. As an emergency measure, I decided to ring Bob at the Council.

I had thought better of him.

Bob at the Council said that the results had been officially verified and that there was in fact, no record anywhere of the Greyhounds In Charge Party. Whatever mischief is afoot, Bob is obviously involved and by extension – not to be trusted.

It is clear to anyone with even an ounce of common sense, that the election was rigged. Therefore, in my capacity as Prime Minister, I have declared the election results INVALID.

REMAIN CALM people. I have already started a public enquiry and will publish my findings post-haste.

Chicken is furious.

Monty The Great, PM

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194. Last Night Of Being Normal – by Chicken

Trolly, trolly, trolly, trolly, trolly, troll, troll! BOOM! BOOM!

We is going to move to be living near the trolly troll trolls and they will like me and be my friends. When Britain does leave Your Rope and does go near to nearly Iceland and No-way, I can gets a bus to No-way and visit the trolls. Monty did say I could only go on my days off and I did say I can go all the days but Monty did say that today is the only last day that we will be normal because tomorrow in the morning we is going to be the Prime Ministers.

I did reminding and did remind him that he all hadn’t done any camping and he did say he didn’t need to because we was all going to win anyway so I is all excited. The Fairy did say that she will do my hair in the tomorrow morning and she did say that when me and Monty bum bum become the Prime Ministers that she will bake us a big cake.

And I did say, each? and she did say, each.

Then I did go to Monty and tell him that The Fairy was all making me two cakey cakes. BOOM! BOOM!


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

193. Final Decision Made On Brexit – by Monty

As Prime Ministers, Chicken and I will be leading our exit from Europe. It is imperative that we have a clear direction in mind.

That direction will be North-east.

We had a thorough discussion about the best possible location, and after discounting all and any area which is noisy, have totally committed to taking Britain further north. Just off the coast of Norway to be precise. Chicken was a little reluctant at first, citing concerns over a frostbite epidemic caused by her bikini policy. I reminded her that once she is Prime Minister, she will be expected to perform at least one u-turn. It’s traditional.


Our new neighbour 

The decision was based heavily upon information received from The Fairy, who said Norway was beautiful, warm and peaceful. She also said that although it does get very cold in winter, the weather does do what it’s supposed to do. That is to say that when it is supposed to be warm it is warm, and when it is supposed to be cold it is cold. It does not deviate from this. No changing its mind overnight, no surprises, and no showing off by trying to fit in every season of the year into one single day.


I did wonder whether we would be accused of not having really left Europe, as we wouldn’t actually be taking Britain very far. Chicken then put forward the idea that even though we had fully committed to moving next to Norway, we could change our minds at any point.

Indeed we may have to, if Norway complains about us blocking their view of Iceland.

To re-iterate our position then: we are fully and unequivocally committed to leaving Europe and relocating to the North Arctic Ocean and/or the Norwegian Sea.

Unless we change our minds.

Now that is what strong leadership is all about.

Monty The Great

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