Posts Tagged With: Health and Safety

242. Fake News Training Triumph – by Monty

Teaching is a strength of mine. Yesterday morning I delivered some high quality training to Chicken about Fake News. As you can glean from Chicken’s post, I successfully taught her how to produce Fake News. The news she presented, was FAKE. Fake News. I’m sure that you will all join me in congratulating her on passing the course and writing an article which is of an acceptable standard, and FAKE. We will now move on and never mention it again.



Being cool whilst staying cool

As you may remember, I have an electric bed which keeps me warm during winter. There is some dispute about the heat setting that should be used, though I think The Fairy has accepted that her choice of Level 2 is inappropriate, and Level 3 is now the ‘go to’ setting.

Summer is here so I have now taken delivery of a new bed. It is a cool bed full of cool gel and is of the correct proportions for an extra large greyhound. There are many different kinds on the market but mine is a Pecute one and works exceptionally well. As The Fairy says, it is of the upmost importance to keep dogs cool in extreme temperatures.

Other animals are available as pets, but dogs are the best.

Stay cool people.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

239. Do Chicken And Fish Go Together? – by Monty

Today I led an outdoor excursion to the lake. My intention was simply to verify its continued existence and then to get straight back in the car for safety. I had no desire to walk all the way around it. I had no desire to walk a hundred yards. A noise could have occurred at any moment.

Recognising my decision, The Fairy decided to let Chicken off the lead to run up and down so she could get some exercise. Chicken has separation anxiety so always comes back. Like a boomerang. Separation anxiety she may have; brains she does not.

Chicken ran around a bit and then launched herself straight into the lake. She flew about five yards, overshot the shallows and sank like a stone. The Fairy was about to go in after her, when Chicken resurfaced and actually managed to swim ashore. She thought it was hilarious. I thought it was the most reckless thing she has done so far.  Which I told her. Repeatedly.

On the plus side, we had to go back home straight away because Chicken was cold.

Chicken and fish do NOT go together.

Monty The Great

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218. Using Your Slow Cooker At Christmas – by Monty



Slow-cooked Chicken 

The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.

Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.

I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.

1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.

2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.

Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.

No thanks necessary.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

202. Is It Legal? – by Monty

Is it legal?

This is the question I have put to the RSPCA; the vet; the lady who runs the rehoming centre where we came from; the trainer who had the honour of looking after me for four years; the local NHS representative; Bob at the Council; the manager of the dogfood shop we are banned from for weeing repeatedly on their stock, and the postman.

Is it legal to feed thoroughbred greyhounds on grit and builders’ gravel?

The answer apparently, is yes. As long as said grit and builders’ gravel is labelled as dog food.

Outrageous! Where are my sausages? My steaks? My 12 dentastix a day, my cakes, my ham sandwiches, my black pudding, my roast chicken, my custard creams and my ice-cream? I miss them.

Just because somebody with 40 years experience of working with greyhounds said I was slightly overweight, doesn’t mean I am. It certainly doesn’t mean I should be put on a diet. Outrageous!



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

185. Do I Look Like A Clothes Horse To You? – by Monty

Yesterday afternoon I indicated to The Fairy that I wished to go out on patrol. As per our agreement, she immediately began preparations. The task of putting our coats on is always problematic, due to the fact that Stand Still Chicken will not stand still.

The Fairy took Chicken’s coat off the stairs and eventually managed to tie her into it, despite Chicken jumping up and down. She then did the same with mine, except that I stood completely still with head slightly raised as recommended in the handbook How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There. The process was still difficult however, as Chicken was still jumping up and inflicting pain with her tail.

We made it to the bottom of the front garden before I realised that there was a serious problem. Hanging beneath me was a floppy white object which was interfering with my stride. In line with military procedure, I stopped dead.


Offending article.

To my absolute horror, a pair of white, ladies unmentionable undergarments was hanging from my coat, stuck to the Velcro.



NO, I DO NOT. Hang your pants somewhere else.

I blame Chicken.


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165. Health And Safety Protocol Dilemma – by Monty

Bob from the Council turned up to carry out an inspection of our new race track, having been officially invited by my good self. I think it’s safe to say that he was very impressed, if his exclamation of, “I’ve never seen anything like it before,” is anything to go by.

Unfortunately it had rained the previous night, so there was some standing water visible, which drew his attention. I assured him that I was on top of the drainage issue, but he insisted that it required further investigation. At this point, I escorted him off my property, having deemed the inspection over.


Where’s the dignity?

Today, I received a letter from Trent Water, informing me that they intend to carry out a survey to ascertain how water is drained from my race track, for which purpose they require access to my back garden. To say that I am perplexed is an understatement. To start with, I do not allow unauthorised access to my track, and secondly, I have until this point dealt only with Anglian Water, and don’t understand why they’re sticking their noses in. My own research has not yet uncovered any Trent Water interest in greyhound racing. I intend to contact them in the near future to discuss the situation.

Health and Safety protocol dictates that high viz jackets must be worn on construction sites at all times, as demonstrated by Bob from the Council on his recent visit. I am in the rather awkward position of not owning a high viz jacket, thus precluding me from visiting my own site. Chicken owns a high viz jacket which she has offered to lend me.

The problem with this, is that it doesn’t fit me. So I am now facing a difficult decision. Do I disregard the Health and Safety regulations and visit my site sans high viz jacket whilst retaining my dignity, or do I comply with the Health and Safety regulations, but lose my standing in society by wearing a coat with my bottom hanging out?

Nothing is easy.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

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