Monthly Archives: July 2017

In my line of work, it is important to think on your feet. Sometimes it is necessary to Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. This is where I excel. When the going gets tough, as they say, the tough get going. And the going is particularly tough at the moment with regards to the food situation and to Chicken’s teeth.

I have good news regarding her recovery. I accompanied her to the vets this morning for her check up. Ordinarily I wouldn’t set foot in the place, but I was there to support Chicken. I did a rather good demonstration of how one might shake if one were frightened of the vets, which everybody present found very useful. The vet was pleased with her progress so we are all very relieved. The Fairy has given both of us extra attention and has hand-fed Chicken with all sorts of nice things. I’m glad to say that I was also given some of this lovely PROPER food, in the interest of fairness.

Then it came to me. A flash of inspiration so profound that even I was stunned by my own brilliance. Improvise, adapt and overcome.

These are the facts:

• We were put on a diet of gravel. 
• Chicken had some teeth removed.
• For a period of three days we were both given soft chicken, mince, black pudding and ham.

So, without even referring to the official text book, I have identified a method of obtaining good quality food for a period of at least three days: book Chicken into the vets. It’s that simple!

Hear me out.

Chicken has 26 teeth left, which in theory could mean up to 78 days of decent food if she were to have one tooth extracted at a time, and we were to get soft cooked real meat for three days after each extraction. I’m sure she will agree that that will be worth the small amount of discomfort she may feel.

Stunned by my own brilliance

I have not yet ironed out all the details, but I intend to put the idea to Chicken as soon as she stops drooling.

Monty The Great

I will be the first to admit that in recent times I have rather lost sight of who I am. I put this down to the shock that my body has been going through, since the illegal withdrawing of the approved a la carte menu. Though fully aware of this crime against humanity, I felt unable to rally myself to action.

Luckily, I have my right hand man Chicken looking out for me. Admittedly, she went about administering help in a rather uncouth fashion, but administer help she did. By literally throwing me a lifeline. In the form of a very large book.

The book which roused me from my stupor was none other than the highly acclaimed 1996 addition of How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There. 

I cannot believe that I did not immediately refer to this volume! I have used this text during many of my lectures to recently retired greyhounds to great effect. I intend to follow – to the letter – all the instructions given in the chapter about food. The Fairy is no match for me!

On a more serious note: teeth. Mine are excellent. Mine are the best teeth that the vet has ever seen on a greyhound. They are made of reinforced concrete and have side-impact protection bars installed as standard. They are big, strong, and responsible for many of the compliments that I receive on a daily basis.

Chicken’s, on the other hand, are rubbish. So rubbish in fact, that she has had to have six of them taken out. She is a little out of sorts at the moment but is recovering well. A bit droolly but I’m hoping that passes.

She’s in safe hands

She has nothing to fear. From this moment on I will be taking full responsibility for her rehabilitation and wellbeing. I consider it an honour to be able to look after her. She is in safe hands.

Monty