Chicken has made a remarkable recovery and is almost back to her normal self. I put this down to the care and attention that I have been administering diligently, and to the fact that she is made of elastic and high tension springs.
Yesterday I licked her ear as I am now allowed near her head without being warned off. She is more playful with me and her tail is wagging more. It remains to be seen whether this is a good or a bad thing. I have been on the receiving end of that tail once too often.
Now, with regards to food, the first rule of engagement is of the upmost importance and is universally accepted by all dogs:
1. All unattended and exposed food belongs to the dog.
For the purposes of this article, unattended is defined as being not in the hands of an adult. Exposed refers to any food accessible to the dog, up to and including items located after a thorough search of bags and cupboards.
As the leader, I have a duty to provide for all the members of my unit. To this end, after a well executed and stealth-like mission, I managed to secure two bagels for our breakfast. Timing was paramount, and my action would not have been discovered had it not been for Chicken’s lack of urgency.
I have scheduled in some training on statutory procedures to be followed by all.
I do not want Chicken being arrested for possession of stolen property.
Eat or conceal. PROPERLY
In my line of work, it is important to think on your feet. Sometimes it is necessary to Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. This is where I excel. When the going gets tough, as they say, the tough get going. And the going is particularly tough at the moment with regards to the food situation and to Chicken’s teeth.
I have good news regarding her recovery. I accompanied her to the vets this morning for her check up. Ordinarily I wouldn’t set foot in the place, but I was there to support Chicken. I did a rather good demonstration of how one might shake if one were frightened of the vets, which everybody present found very useful. The vet was pleased with her progress so we are all very relieved. The Fairy has given both of us extra attention and has hand-fed Chicken with all sorts of nice things. I’m glad to say that I was also given some of this lovely PROPER food, in the interest of fairness.
Then it came to me. A flash of inspiration so profound that even I was stunned by my own brilliance. Improvise, adapt and overcome.
These are the facts:
- We were put on a diet of gravel.
- Chicken had some teeth removed.
- For a period of three days we were both given soft chicken, mince, black pudding and ham.
So, without even referring to the official text book, I have identified a method of obtaining good quality food for a period of at least three days: book Chicken into the vets. It’s that simple!
Hear me out.
Chicken has 26 teeth left, which in theory could mean up to 78 days of decent food if she were to have one tooth extracted at a time, and we were to get soft cooked real meat for three days after each extraction. I’m sure she will agree that that will be worth the small amount of discomfort she may feel.
Stunned by my own brilliance
I have not yet ironed out all the details, but I intend to put the idea to Chicken as soon as she stops drooling.
Monty The Great
Phraa lemph broooo. Slaph blur pree. Vet phoo glaa going again snall shloo never. Brrrrree phrass sloff. Blum blum blum!
Chlichen phf phf phf xxx
I will be the first to admit that in recent times I have rather lost sight of who I am. I put this down to the shock that my body has been going through, since the illegal withdrawing of the approved a la carte menu. Though fully aware of this crime against humanity, I felt unable to rally myself to action.
Luckily, I have my right hand man Chicken looking out for me. Admittedly, she went about administering help in a rather uncouth fashion, but administer help she did. By literally throwing me a lifeline. In the form of a very large book.
The book which roused me from my stupor was none other than the highly acclaimed 1996 addition of How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There.
I cannot believe that I did not immediately refer to this volume! I have used this text during many of my lectures to recently retired greyhounds to great effect. I intend to follow – to the letter – all the instructions given in the chapter about food. The Fairy is no match for me!
On a more serious note: teeth. Mine are excellent. Mine are the best teeth that the vet has ever seen on a greyhound. They are made of reinforced concrete and have side-impact protection bars installed as standard. They are big, strong, and responsible for many of the compliments that I receive on a daily basis.
Chicken’s, on the other hand, are rubbish. So rubbish in fact, that she has had to have six of them taken out. She is a little out of sorts at the moment but is recovering well. A bit droolly but I’m hoping that passes.
She’s in safe hands
She has nothing to fear. From this moment on I will be taking full responsibility for her rehabilitation and wellbeing. I consider it an honour to be able to look after her. She is in safe hands.
THE FAT GREYHOUND
Once upon a there was a big dog called Monty McDonty and he was big. He did live with a beautiful princess who is called Princess Chicken. They did live with a servant who did bring them lovely food food all the day.
Monty McDonty one day did start to get greedy and did start to all eat too much everything. Roll sausage in a bag. Then he did get lazy and he did get chubby chubby bum bum.
Beautiful Princess Chicken did say to him to stop all eating too much and get out doing the big exercising but Monty McDonty was thickie so didn’t listen.
So he did get all more chubby.
One day, in the daytime they did both go to see the man at the big kennels and he did say that I was the beautiful Princess Chicken was beautiful, but that Monty McDonty was all too biggy big. So the servant did put him on a diet.
Then the beautiful Princess Chicken did find out that I was on a diet too and I did blame Monty McDonty because it is all his fault. So the beautiful Princess Chicken did deciding and did decide to kick him in the head but then she did throw a big book at him instead and it did bounce off his chubby bum.
Then she did change his name to Fatty McFatface.
So I win the end.
Lazy greyhound Fatty McFatface
By Beautiful Chicken