Monthly Archives: October 2016

159. Poxy Foxy – by Chicken

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky!

Chicky, Chicky, BOOM BOOM!

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

Then I did go out for a walk in the late dark with The Fairy and I did wear my coat because it is all coldy cold at the night time now. Monty bum bum wee wee foot did only come with us to the end of my street because then he did say he did have to all go home because he was busy but I does know he is scaredy bum. When we did get near the big road, I did see the stupid poxy foxy in the field.

Then in the suddenly, Ugly Cats did jump up on the big fence and follow us. He did say that the smelly fox was looking for things to eat in the field and that I did all have to be careful because the fox would eats me. Then I did shout at Ugly Cats because he is stupid and I did say that I was not scared of the poxy foxy and that I could eats him and then I could eats Ugly Cats as well.


Researching Hello Weeing

Ugly Cats did say that I should calms down because we is on the same side of The Watch, but I did say that I was only on Monty’s side and we didn’t need him. He then did say that Foxy was doing big horrible planning for a big bad night of weeing so I did go home to my house quickly and tell Monty abouts it.

I did say that Ugly Cats did say he could eats me and then I did say that Foxy was doing a Hello Weeing plan, and Monty did say he would all do some research.

I is not scared of any silly Hello Weeing night!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

158. The Usefulness Of Chicken – by Monty

Chicken’s capacity to be useful has come into question recently. The Fairy has suffered first hand at Chicken’s head so to speak, but to be honest, I think she should stop mentioning it now as she has milked it for all it’s worth. PC Dave at the station said he couldn’t proceed with any prosecution in the absence of a complaint, and The Fairy said she won’t make a complaint because she loves Chicken and knows she didn’t mean it. Chicken continues to deny all knowledge.

There are times however, when Chicken can be very useful indeed. At such times I am very proud to be her Commanding Officer.

Let’s discuss medicine.

It’s expensive to start with, so people wouldn’t buy it for us unless it was necessary, and of course – it works. If we are ill, it is most important that we take our medicine at the appropriate times and in the appropriate amount. I have no objection to this, as long as I have pre-approved said medicine.

If, on the other hand, I am being fed some new age herbal concoction that I have not requested, I am of a different mind. The label may say it helps dogs and cats deal with the trauma of fireworks, but I say if I haven’t ordered it myself, I will not eat it.

I am particularly proficient at identifying any foreign body in my food, and eating around it. Due to this, The Fairy has taken to hiding the tablets inside cheese or meat paste. I suspect one or two tablets have made it into my system, but I am becoming better at locating them and spitting them out. To counteract this, The Fairy always checks the floor and then attempts to re-administer any stray tablets.

The question I was wrestling with was this: Where can I hide the wet and sticky spit-out tablet?

Enter Chicken:


Stuck like glue

It took The Fairy fifteen minutes to find it.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

157. Grievous Bodily Harm By Chicken – by Monty



LOCATION: The corridor

NATURE OF INJURY: High velocity impact


A few days ago, Chicken head-butted The Fairy and knocked her out. The whole incident would have been very serious, had it not been for my fortuitous presence.

We were preparing to go out for a walk, which involves attaching The Fairy to our leads to prevent her running off. Stand-Still-Chicken was unable to stand still, due to increased levels of excitement and a lack of self control. She was jumping up and down, and during one of the upwards motions, made contact with The Fairy.

Chicken’s skull hit The Fairy ‘s eyebrow area with a force that can only be described as unnecessary. The noise was awful. The Fairy sank down to the floor, but Chicken interpreted this movement as a request for a kiss, so engaged in further head area interference.

I immediately took charge of the situation, citing my First Aid knowledge and military experience as credentials. As recommended by the medical profession, I directed The Fairy towards the freezer, so that she could put some ice on her eye. I did this by pushing her in the appropriate direction with my body weight, a task made easier by the fact that she was crawling on her hands and knees. At one point, due to an unexpected communication problem, my bottom blocked access to the freezer door, but I put this down to The Fairy’s disorientation.

There was some discussion about the differing levels of usefulness of the various bags of frozen items. The oven chips were discarded straight away, leaving three bags of vegetables in contention. The sweetcorn won out, and was held firmly against the swelling eyebrow.

It was deemed imprudent to cancel the walk, as Chicken was climbing the walls by this point, so our original plan went ahead. It transpired that upon arriving back at the house, The Fairy had no recollection of the walk.

Chicken suffered no injury at all, and was actually totally unaware of the incident, which begs the question: What is her skull made of?




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156. Health Warning – by Monty

Please people, get enough sleep. It’s important.


A rough night?


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155. Why Did I Even Bother? – by Monty

As a rule, I don’t ask for praise or recognition for the contributions I make to society. I’m happy to go about my business in a professional and discreet manner; my reward being the safety of my unit and immediate community.

There are times however, when I go above and beyond to make a positive difference to the lives of those I’m responsible for, and for this, just a little bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss.

Case in point: my diligent cultivation of the tomatoes. I spent a considerable amount of time and effort ensuring the crop was a success in order to provide a valuable food resource for my unit. A day did not go by when they were not attended to. Everybody was impressed at the number of fruits I grew, and a certain amount of awe was expressed as they changed from green to red.

Imagine my disgust then, to find that absolutely nobody is willing to eat them. They are the most succulent tomatoes due to the fact that I watered them myself, at least three times a day.

Now I find, unbelievably, that despite this personal attention, there is a general air of reluctance to try them. I don’t know why I bothered. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with them. No explanation has been given for their lack of popularity. It seems that all that watering was a total waste of time.

You can do it yourself next year.


I see no reason at all why these juicy tomatoes would not be enjoyed by all


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

154. We Has Eaten A Sausage Dog – by Chicken


Sausage dogs

It is all not nice that Monty has a poorly foot, but it did mean that The Fairy did make us special foods to make him feel better. We did get sausage dogs to eats and I did like eating the sausage dogs. I has been asking for more sausage dogs again but The Fairy has not made them again because we is all fat, especially Monty. Monty has to not be fat because if he is fat his poorly foot will be more hurty hurt hurt. I did reminding to The Fairy that I did not have a poorly foot and I is not very fat just a bit fat but she did say it wasn’t fair if I did get special foods and Monty didn’t so I is mad.

Last night in the night time dark we did go for a walks. I did speak to the fox and I did not speak to the fox because he was too far away. Monty did say we had to warns people with pet rabbits so they could all keeps their rabbits safe and I did say that all the rabbits could live in my garden and I would all look after them and play with them but not eat them.

Monty did say they would all be safer with the fox and he did not want wildlife in my garden anyways, because they would all destroy his race track. Bum.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

153. Monty’s Signature – by The Fairy

I am in the process of painting the back fence, which is taking longer than I thought it would. The other day, I got everything ready and then went back into the house. When I came back out with my coffee, I found this:


Monty’s signature

I’d like to say we have reached (another) new low with Monty, but he once weed in somebody else’s food bowl, so I can’t.

The Fairy

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152. The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side – by Monty


The original foundations

As you may recall, Chicken and I had worked very hard to dig out the foundations of our race track. The whole project had been fully approved by the government, to the best of my knowledge, so I foresaw no problems. Unfortunately, my plans had to be put on hold when Arky-Ollie-Just cordoned off the whole area without offering any explanation. The portable green fencing also denied us entry to my pit, which I was particularly annoyed about.


Unnecessary portable green fencing


Overgrown and ruined

This fencing remained in place for just over two weeks, rendering my project behind schedule. In addition to this, the foundations gradually disappeared, ruining all our hard work. When the fencing finally came down, the whole area was a disgrace. It was completely covered in thick, new grass which Arky-Ollie-Just immediately set about cutting. I checked over the whole area for any security breaches, of which there were none.



I’m pleased to report, that only four days later, the foundations for the race track have been re-done, and the project is now back on schedule, with an estimated completion date of early November. I do believe that both Arky-Ollie-Just and The Fairy were pleasantly surprised at the speed with which we rebuilt our track.


Right back where we started


Categories: Arky-Ollie-Just, Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

151. List Of My Unfavourite Things Which Are More Important Than Monty’s Unfavourite Things – by Chicken

1. Monty copying me by writing a list of things before me and I did say I was going to write a list of things yesterday and then Monty did copy me first before I wrote my second list first.

2. Monty playing with my toys because all toys are mine.

7. Being on my alone.

15. Ugly Cats because he is mean at looking at me and he does want to steal my toys, and Grey Cat because she does always try to kiss Monty.

9. Hedgehogs.

10. Moving furniture.

11. Vacuum cleaner.

22. Mop.


Today this morning we did go out to the special foods shop so Monty could go to the vetty vet with his poorly foot. The vet did say that Monty was very better, and that he had got gooder teeth and big muscles. Then we did get weighed in the waiting room and I did find out that Monty was fat.

Monty does now weigh 38.2km and I does only weigh 27.4 stone so I win. The vet did say that Monty did need to be careful with the exercise on his foot so I did say I would all help him not to do the exercise on his foot and then I did wee in the shoppy shop. BOOM! BOOM!


Helping Monty by telling him not to do the exercise with his foot.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

150. List Of Unfavourable Things – by Monty

  1. Dog food
  2. Loud noises
  3. Medium noises
  4. Quiet noises
  5. Noises of any description
  6. Rain
  7. Pigeons
  8. Gravel
  9. Vets – even the ones who are lovely and take care of me
  10. Chicken wanting to play with me when I’m tired/busy which invariably results in a lot of barking
  11. Chicken copying me
  12. Doors
  13. Human celebrations which require fireworks
  14. People vacuuming my office
  15. While I’m still in it
  16. Insubordination
  17. Cats who think they are better than me
  18. Portable green security fencing
  19. Unnecessary bureaucracy including the need for planning permission
  20. Nail clipping
  21. Any change of routine
  22. Any form of operating outside of agreed procedure
  23. Being forced into the garden when it’s cold
  24. Being forced to leave Big Ted at home when we go out in the car
  25. And interestingly – pork scratchings

All of the above items, with the possible exception of 9 and 20, are totally unnecessary in my opinion. I have to prepare myself now, as we are going on a special trip out in the car.


Big Ted and Big Monty 



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

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