Monthly Archives: November 2016

163. New Greyhound Race Track Set To Open In North Lincolnshire – BREAKING NEWS

A new greyhound racing track in North Lincolnshire, is set to open its doors in the new year. The track, which was originally expected to be completed by early November 2016, has only just been finished, and is still awaiting approval by the Council.

The ambitious project is the brainchild of two retired open racers; Monty The Great and Stand Still Chicken. When asked what prompted them to build a race track, Monty The Great said that although retired, they both still enjoyed racing and felt it important to do so on a professional track.

He went on to say that he had raced at all the top tracks up and down the country, resulting in him having a level of expertise not usually seen in the average greyhound. He said that he had used his extensive knowledge to design and build one of the most impressive tracks ever seen.

The track is constructed mostly of mud and has state of the art toilet facilities in the centre, negating the need for any greyhound to leave the track in order to wee.

Monty The Great said that he would be applying for a license to hold race meetings in 2017. Stand Still Chicken added that frogs would also be allowed to race, though no explanation was given for this move. A Council spokesman said that a previous application to build a trench on the site had been turned down, and they were unaware that the track had been built. They are expected to visit the premises in the next few days.

Opposition groups are planning to erect temporary green fencing around the area to prevent racing taking place, but Monty The Great confirmed that the owner of the property had fully approved the building of the track, and had no objections to hosting race meetings in the future. When we contacted her for a comment however, she was overcome with emotion and unable to speak through her tears.

It is understood that the site had originally been a lawn, before being redeveloped.


The new track, with state of the art toilet facilities in the centre.

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags: ,

162. Greyhounds Drugged – by Monty

The lashed few days hash been a blur. I hash attempted to contasht PC Dave at the Shtation, but can’t use the phone. I hash been drugged, and to make shmatters worse, there’s loadsh of fireworks. Which ish the short of time that I need all my faculshies.

The Fairy shes itsh for my own good, but itsh not. Shicken hash alsho been drugged. I know thish, because she’s shtanding shtill.

I’m sho shpaced out, that I don’t care about the fireworks. They’ve been going offsh for daysh. Shicken ish shtill shtanding shtill.


Montshy hahahahahaha

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

161. Because She’s Worth It – by Monty

Chicken is convinced that she is a frog. She’s adamant. She is very upset at the situation as she thinks all frogs areĀ ugly wugly pugly.

I was expecting to have an extra hour in bed at the weekend, but Chicken got up at half past four to discuss her lost beauty. As she was incapable of listening to the voice of reason, I decided that the best course of action was to work with her and not against her. So I hatched a plan designed to make her feel beautiful again.

I booked her in to have her hair done. I am so clever.


The ‘Marilyn’

Monty The Great


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

160. Hello Weeing And The Witch’s Ugly Cat – by Chicken


Hello Weeing was boring silly boring. Foxy did go everywhere and do weeing because he is trying to tell big Monty that he is the boss, but Monty can do better wees.

I did go outs with The Fairy in the night time walk a few days ago and Foxy did see me and did say that it was all his estate but I did say that Monty was in charge because Monty does do The Watch but Foxy did say, “Where is he then?”

So I did say that he was all doing big planning at home and he is very busy doing big planning at home. Foxy did say that he was taking over and I did say he was too little and couldn’t do anything. But then on Hello Weeing night Foxy did weeing everywhere and he is stinky smelly stink bum.

Ugly Cats did follow me and The Fairy, and did say that Monty did have to take charge again or all the cats would take charge but I did say they couldn’t take charge because they is all ugly. Then Ugly Cats did say that I did have to be a pilot to him because he had special magic powers on Hello Weeing night because he is a witch’s cat and he did say that he could all turn me into a frog or make my nose drop off. I did say get lost.


Chicken Frog

Then back at home I did tell Monty that Foxy did weeing everywhere and that Ugly Cats had turned me into a froggy frog but Monty did say I still did look like a beautiful greyhound to him. But then The Fairy did say, “Stand still, Chicken! You’re jumping about like a frog.”

Now I does have to eats Ugly Cats to break the spell.


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , ,

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