I loves, loves, loves Monty!
I loves, loves, loves Monty!
Chicken went out early this morning, and reappeared seconds later with something in her mouth. She dropped it on the carpet when she tried to speak with her mouth full, and I snatched it up and ran into the kitchen with it, which was where The Fairy cornered me. Chicken was furious and demanded that I do something about it, stating that it was a nasty trick played by Ugly Cat. I had already lost interest though, having realised I couldn’t eat it. Also, I am more inclined to believe it was an uncoordinated seagull which had simply dropped its breakfast. I promised Chicken that I would confront Ugly Cat at the first opportunity though, as I do have responsibility for security.
I felt it necessary to ring Simon at the Department of Energy and Climate Change yesterday, to complain about the constantly changing climate. I explained how it was affecting Chicken’s ability to judge her wardrobe for the day, and how much I disliked the rain. Yesterday we set out in the sunshine, and yet again got wet unexpectedly. As far as I’m concerned, that was the whole day ruined.
He couldn’t quite believe that he was speaking to me again, and quite clearly said, “I give up.” I told him this was not the attitude to take, as everyone was relying on him. Inexplicably, he asked me if I was working for a newspaper to which I replied in the negative. I have to say he was very helpful on this occasion, promising warmer weather to come. I thanked him for this, adding that Chicken and I would be able to plan our days more efficiently now that he was going to improve the climate.
I have been so focused on my work recently, that I haven’t paid much attention to my home life. The recent wet weather has meant that we have played more in the house, and when I stopped for a minute to think about it, this has become rather enjoyable. Chicken is now much more willing to allow me to play with my own toys, and we can get through a whole five minutes of frolicking around without the inclusion of teeth and nails. It is all becoming rather good fun.
We recently embarked on one such energetic play session straight after eating, despite warnings from The Fairy. I should have listened, because moments later I was struck down with a serious case of synchronous diaphragmatic flutter. Chicken called it hiccups but I always insist on the correct medical terminology where my ailments are concerned. After ascertaining that this was not dangerous, The Fairy and Chicken spent some time laughing at me. Though both of them gave me big kisses afterwards to help me feel better, and Chicken came to sit next to me.
Simon has been true to his word, and it is warmer today and sunny. I am taking my unit out for a walk, and later intend to do some more work securing the garden. Ugly Cat has taken to sitting on the shed next door and watching us, so now is not the time to be complacent, particularly considering the disgusting object situation which occurred this morning.
All over the last few days yesterday, we did have every big weather in the days. First it was all sunny sunshine and then we did have a strange big wind and then when we was walkering we did get hit by hail stones. We has had on our thin coats, our warm coats, our big coats and we has also been out in the rudy nudy. Yesterday in the morning it was warm but then it did a big change when we was all outside. It was all proper snowing by the time we got backs to the house and I did say it was like Christmas and where was my present?
Monty did then all go like a teacher, teachering me about dates. I did say that I wasn’t interested in the ‘Gregorian, Western or Christian calendar which is most widely used’ and I just wanted my Christmas present. Monty did say I was unreasonable expectoring Father Christmas to bring me presents in April and that it would all ruin Father Christmas’ reputation if he suddenly bringed me a present at the beginnering of summer. He also did say Father Christmas might all have problems with the National Union of Elves, so I did say get lost.
It was all sunny sunshine again laters, so I did go outs into the garden. Ugly Cats did come onto the big fence and I did do jumpy jumps to catch him. He did all jump onto the shed next door and then did ask why I was all angry. I did tell him about all not getting a present and then I did say that Ugly Cats wasn’t allowed to follow us anymore on our walks. He did say that he was only helpering us and he was betterer at patrols than us. Big Monty did all hear this so he did runned out into the garden all big and strong and Ugly Cats did say we was really rude and then he runned away.
We did racing around the mud garden for ages because we was all excited, and then we did have tea and go to sleepy sleep. Today it is all raining so Monty can’t all go for a wee. The Fairy did say she would all put his big coat on him before he blows up. BOOM! BOOM!
We went to the lake yesterday morning and saw a lot of wildlife. I am not a big fan, as they are an unruly bunch that don’t seem to have any discipline at all. However, we did see a fox which ran across our path and along the lane. It was beautiful and I really wanted to catch it up and speak with it. I was unfortunately thwarted in my attempts to reach it, as The Fairy’s slow pace and weight held me back. We also saw a family of ducks. I couldn’t count the ducklings accurately, but I estimate there being about 57.
I had intended this outing to be a training session and started at a brisk pace. We walk the same route everyday, which allows me to calculate improvement by seeing how long it takes us. Chicken sabotaged it by stopping to sniff every blade of grass. It took us longer than it usually does. At one point, The Fairy tried to pull us off the lane to a patch of grass to allow a lady to pass by with her miniature chihuahua. I absolutely refused to move to the grass, as this was not on our designated route. The lady had to pick up her dog as she passed. But the route is the route, and cannot be changed under any circumstance.
In the afternoon we headed out to the field. As we left our street, a cat appeared in front of us whom Chicken said was Ugly Cat. As we turned into the narrow alleyway, it again appeared from the hedge. It must have run through some back gardens to head us off. Half way along the alley, we turn down a cut-through which allows us to avoid a corrugated metal fence which unsettles The Fairy. It is not fair to walk her past it when it frightens her.
At the end of this cut-through is a bin. Ugly Cat was sitting on it. By this time I was becoming suspicious. On our return journey, the cat was again spotted ahead of us in the alley. It was almost as if the cat knew our route and was purposely putting itself in our path. I am tempted to say it was following us, but it always appeared in front of us, as if it knew where we would be walking before we got there.
This concerned me somewhat, as this is our secret walk which forms part of our patrol. How could Ugly Cat know of our secret patrol? I attempted to discuss the matter with Chicken, but she was giggling to herself and singing, “Boom, boom, Chicky, chic.” I wrote a report when I got home, to ensure I didn’t forget any of the details. I will have to take action if anything similar happens again.
Yesterday in the morning all early at half past five past, Monty did go out in the garden all huffy because there was a big dangerous thing all getting us. But it was not a dangerous thing it was just his birdie wee station that had all blown down in the windy wind. He did pace up and down in front of it and his heckles did all go up massive all the way to his big bottom. The Fairy did say that he looked like a dragon or a stegosaurus. Then he did attack it with a big wee.
When he all came backs inside he did say it was safe for me to go outside so I dids go out on my own. I did sniff about to see if a hedgehog had all been in my garden and when I looked up I did see Ugly Cats sitting on the fence. He did say hello and I did say why was he being all friendly because I didn’t all like him and didn’t want him to take my toys.
Ugly Cats did all say that he was the all most important cat in the streets and we should not be doing patrols without his permission. I did tell him that Montysaurus can all do anything he wants because he is all in charge of everything and he is big and strong. Ugly Cats then did say that he could do a patrol betterer than us because he could all go in places we couldn’t go and he can go at the nightime in the dark night.
I dids then tell him that we do the big nightime patrols all over and I did tell him where we go in the streets. Ugly Cats said he would all do the patrol first before us and I said our patrol was secret so he couldn’t come. Ugly Cats got all prickly and said I would regret not letting him be in charge because he was all important. I then did say I was all going to get Montysaurus because he gets rid of monsters in the garden and Ugly Cats runned away.
So I win.
It has been all sunny sunshine again and we has all been in the big garden. I does chase Monty around and I is faster than him. The Fairy hoovered the big grass and it was all noisy. Ugly Cats did come and watch me playing with my toys so I did go and shout at him. He did say that he was all going to come in my garden and I did tell him how big and strong me and Monty is.
I did tell Ugly Cats about our patrol and how we is all getting ready to catching the ill eagle fracking people and that Bob and Dave was all doing it as well. Ugly Cats said that he could all do a patrol betterer than us and I did all laugh at him because he is not cleverer enough to all do a patrol like Monty. Ugly Cats did say he could help and I did say get lost and then Ugly Cats did all get angry and go away.
Monty in the afternoon did go in a bag and gets a sausage roll and The Fairy said, “Where’s my sausage rolls?” Monty did say he didn’t know but The Fairy did know that it was him, and she did say Monty wouldn’t make a very good criminal. I did laugh but then I did not laugh because I did not gets a sausage roll.
Then I did tell Monty that I did want to be in charge next time on the secret patrol, but Monty did say that I all couldn’t do it because I lacked the necessary level of concentration required. I did say that I all did have many concert station so Monty did say I should prove it by writing a report about our first patrol. So I did write my betterer report abouts it:
We did all sets off together in the night time. Monty sausage did go at the front and I did walks next to him with the sausage. In the dark on the sausage corner with the sausage in a bag. Sausage saw much cats with the sausage crumbs sausage. The sausage in the roll bag of the sausage special sausage. Bring sausage roll sausage sausages. THE END
I does all have enough concert station. BOOM! BOOM!
Yesterday The Fairy cut the mud in the back garden. It looks a lot tidier and the full extent of the damage can now be clearly seen. Ugly Cat appeared on the fence and had a long, private conversation with Chicken. I did not get involved in this, as I was busy guiding The Fairy at the time. I find that running directly in the path of the lawn mower is the best technique here.
Last night we embarked on our first reconnaissance mission and I’m pleased to report it was a success of sorts. I had devised a recording system to allow all members of the team to accurately document any findings. The recording sheets were returned to me in various states of disrepair, and did not yield as much information as I had hoped.
Bob from the Council screwed up his bit of paper as soon as we left the unit and threw it on the floor, but was asked by PC Dave from the Station to pick it up straight away as it contravened the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act 2005. The Fairy mentioned that you can report littering to the Council so Bob said it made more sense for him to report himself to himself in the morning, thus negating the need for Dave to handcuff him and take him to the Station. Dave agreed to this, in the interest of reducing the amount of paperwork he had to do.
Dave had used his to draft out a written warning to Bob about littering; The Fairy had drawn a basic street plan and marked on it every shrub or plant that she liked the look of, with the intention of returning in daylight to inspect them further; and Chicken had used hers to write a love letter to Jurgen Klopp. It became apparent that more training was required vis-a-vis the recording sheets. It is my belief that those responsible for the illegal fracking had got wind of our patrol, and shut down operations for the night. In this respect, our patrol was highly successful.
Upon our return we had a long debriefing over cake and coffee, during which it was again raised as an issue that Chicken was responsible for all the damage in the garden. Chicken said that it was Ugly Cat, and also went on to accuse me of contributing to the disintegration of the lawn without realising it. Outrageous!
Does she think I’m some sort of idiot?
Monty bum bum wee foot has been all big and strong and has decidered that we is all going out soon to start catchering the ill eagles who are all doing the frackering. I is all excited because I is allowed to be doing military action with big Monty. Ugly Cats is going to be leaving my toys alone as well when he sees Monty doing protecting. Monty is so good that today in the morning I did decide to all be like Monty all day.
I did start early by playing with Alive Orange Blob but Alive Orange Blob did start talkering so Monty found out and did come and take it off me. Then I did all start going in the big bag but The Fairy did see me and did come and take it off me. Then I did get a biccy biscuit and Monty did come to take it off me and I didn’t let him.
After we had been to the field I did go to sleep in Monty’s bed and did cuddle Big Ted because he is all squidgy soft which is why Monty always cuddles him. Monty then did say that ifs I stayed in his bed that he would get on the big settee and sits next to The Fairy and be The Fairy’s favourite, so I did gets on the settee first before him. Then I did do an empress shone of him with my face. Can you tell which one is smelly smell Monty?
In the afternoon we did go to the big animal foods shop which has loads of foods in it. The Fairy was all worried because she didn’t want to all get banned from the shop because of Monty. The time before in the big foods shop, Monty had all weed on four calendars with pictures of guinea pigs on them, and the calendars all got wet and the boy who was all doing work experience had to get the mop and bucket and clean it up.
This time today Monty had to wear his special pants so he wouldn’t be all embarrassing in the shoppy shop. Everybody was all watchering Monty to check that he wasn’t being embarrassing, and I did all sit down and do a big wee. Because….
…. today is International Be Like Monty Day, and I was all being like Monty all day.
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky! Chicky, chicky! BOOM! BOOM!
We have planned our first F.A.R.T. patrol for Thursday night. Bob from the Council said he would be there as soon as he had finished the weekly shop; Dave from the Station said he would arrive early to go over the plans in detail, (this coincides with tea time), and Chicken and The Fairy said they were looking forward to it and are planning what to wear. Dave again mentioned the advantages of having F.A.R.T. jackets but I again mentioned that this was inappropriate. The only thing that will stop us now is any unexpected fireworks/noises and any sign of inclement weather. Bob and Dave also insisted that cake be served upon our return to the unit.
We had a short meeting to determine the finer points.
As this is a patrol and not just a walk, the plan was to split up into separate working groups. Chicken immediately stated her desire not to be separated from The Fairy, and Dave said he would form the third wing of their group. Bob then complained about being left with me. (I suspect he has less courage than I first thought, but I did not want to state this out loud in case I offended him.) Dave kindly said he would swap with Bob and form the lead party with me.
Chicken then said that she would miss me if we didn’t walk together, and reminded me of my promise to always protect her from Ugly Cat. I therefore determined that Chicken could join Dave and myself, and Bob and The Fairy would make up the second party. This was deemed unacceptable by Chicken, who once again reiterated her objection to being separated from The Fairy.
The plan was again updated to allow for Chicken and The Fairy to remain together, with me as protector. Bob and Dave therefore, would be on patrol as a pair. Dave raised concerns about one party having two large males in it whilst the other only had two dogs and one unfit female. I was about to argue against such outrageous statements when The Fairy beat me to it, and by the time she’d finished I didn’t think Dave needed any further information.
Bob then reminded us that there was safety in numbers, and Dave highlighted the fact that if Chicken, myself and The Fairy were together this would just be a normal walk. He said it was important to differentiate between a walk and a patrol which I had to agree with. I have therefore decided to join the two groups together to form one big working party. This has the added advantage of us being able to maintain radio silence.
Bob then complained that he had not signed up to the F.A.R.T. just to go on a big dog walk but Dave suggested that they both walk backwards at the rear of the party, in order to lend a more official air to the procedings. This proposal was accepted by all, and I was therefore able to finalise the plan, with the one amendment which allowed Bob to carry a red light.
Progress at last.
Monty The Great
I was out on patrol with my unit last night, when we happened upon what we initially thought was a barbecue. There was a bright light on in a back garden, smoke rising and a voice speaking. We were told in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA. YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA.
The Fairy was quite confused, but I was able to explain the whole scene to her due to my superior knowledge of security issues. The owner of the property had obviously obtained a rather advanced security system. I believe it was being tested as we passed by, or had at least been triggered accidentally by some sort of intruder/animal. The light was extremely bright, highlighting the smoke coming from the kitchen fan. Everybody was relieved to hear my explanation, as they were beginning to show signs of panic. The Fairy continued to laugh hysterically until we got home.
This incident made me think about the security at my own property, so this morning I contacted Dave at the Station to discuss it with him. He was more than willing to come round for a meeting, especially when he was promised a slice of cake and a cup of tea. He said that he wished everybody took home security as seriously as me, and that he would consider my kind offer to provide an information and training session for the public.
We discussed the feasibility of installing floodlights and a camera, though he was less enthusiastic about the electric fence and man-trap ideas that I put forward. At this point The Fairy joined us, disclosing that somewhere in the house was a trail camera. These are activated by movement and are usually used to capture videos of nocturnal wildlife. The Fairy said she had used it in the past and had caught mice, cats, hedgehogs and a weasel on it. This has really sparked my interest and I have insisted that she find it so that I can set it up in the garden, my main target being the hedgehogs.
Dave then stated that the chances of a hedgehog breaking into the house were quite remote, and that he had not seen any this year anyway, even when on night duty. This led to quite a heated discussion about the potential damage a hedgehog could cause. Dave disputed my assertion that hedgehogs were responsible for more damage to mud heads than all other species of animals put together. So I threw him out. I made it very clear that I expected a more co-operative attitude from him when we embark on our first F.A.R.T. patrol.
He left in a bit of a mood, but not – I hasten to add – until he had collected another slice of cake from The Fairy.