Posts Tagged With: Military action

77. International Be Like Monty Day – by Chicken

Monty bum bum wee foot has been all big and strong and has decidered that we is all going out soon to start catchering the ill eagles who are all doing the frackering. I is all excited because I is allowed to be doing military action with big Monty. Ugly Cats is going to be leaving my toys alone as well when he sees Monty doing protecting. Monty is so good that today in the morning I did decide to all be like Monty all day.

I did start early by playing with Alive Orange Blob but Alive Orange Blob did start talkering so Monty found out and did come and take it off me. Then I did all start going in the big bag but The Fairy did see me and did come and take it off me. Then I did get a biccy biscuit and Monty did come to take it off me and I didn’t let him.

After we had been to the field I did go to sleep in Monty’s bed and did cuddle Big Ted because he is all squidgy soft which is why Monty always cuddles him. Monty then did say that ifs I stayed in his bed that he would get on the big settee and sits next to The Fairy and be The Fairy’s favourite, so I did gets on the settee first before him. Then I did do an empress shone of him with my face. Can you tell which one is smelly smell Monty?

In the afternoon we did go to the big animal foods shop which has loads of foods in it. The Fairy was all worried because she didn’t want to all get banned from the shop because of Monty. The time before in the big foods shop, Monty had all weed on four calendars with pictures of guinea pigs on them, and the calendars all got wet and the boy who was all doing work experience had to get the mop and bucket and clean it up.

This time today Monty had to wear his special pants so he wouldn’t be all embarrassing in the shoppy shop. Everybody was all watchering Monty to check that he wasn’t being embarrassing, and I did all sit down and do a big wee. Because….

…. today is International Be Like Monty Day, and I was all being like Monty all day.

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky! Chicky, chicky! BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

57. Time To Shape Up – by Monty

I have just finished speaking with Dave from the Station. It was necessary for me to report an intruder who threatened the safety of my unit. We were not in any immediate danger, as I was on duty at the time, but I felt it prudent to inform the police in case I need to borrow some equipment from them in the future.

At 0630hrs I conducted the first inspection of the perimeter fence. Finding nothing untoward, I retired to my bed in order to plan the rest of the day. Chicken reported seeing Ugly Cat jumping off the back fence, but she tends to do this every morning so I did not take her report seriously.

At 0700hrs we both went out again and I immediately identified said cat sitting on top of the fence, very close to the house. Chicken joined me in verbally attacking the cat, and then took it a step further by trying to reach it by jumping up. I attempted to dislodge it by repeatedly throwing my weight against the fence. The Fairy was very frightened of the cat, so called us in and closed the curtain. She applauded our attempts to scare it away, and said we had to leave it alone for a few minutes to give it the chance to walk away.

At 0715hrs the curtain was pulled back again, only to reveal an unbelievable situation. Ugly Cat had indeed moved from the fence. To my patio! It was sitting about six inches off the glass looking in. I rather believe it wanted to come in.

To the untrained eye, it could have looked like Chicken and I lost control, but I was simply following military procedure, and Chicken was simply following my example. When under attack, there simply is no choice but to come out fighting. Retreating is NOT an option. Our attempts at hand to hand combat were thwarted somewhat by the presence of the patio door, but I like to believe our show of strength gave Ugly Cat something to think about.

It doesn’t appear to be the cleverest cat in the world, because it didn’t immediately scarper. Chicken said it wanted to get her and her toys, but I said it was just a bit slow, and wouldn’t return once it had had time to think things over. Just in case it decides to attack again however, I am instigating a programme of training for my whole unit to ensure we are combat ready.

PC Dave said that there was nothing he could do at the moment as Ugly Cat hadn’t caused any criminal damage, but he did say that I had done the right thing reporting the incident. He said he would step up his patrols in the area and reminded me not to take the law into my own hands.

I reminded him that I am a professional, and assured him that I would involve him in any future operations. He said he would really appreciate that, as he didn’t have enough to do already. He is such a nice man.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

32. Threat level SEVERE – by Monty

I have been on high alert since dawn and have raised the threat level from substantial to severe. My garden has been classified as a construction site since last Autumn when I first started my trench, and as such is subject to current Health and Safety regulations which means I’m responsible for the safety of anyone who enters it. It has been particularly important to control access to the site recently, due to the instability caused by the illegal fracking.


Guard duty

This morning, I received some intelligence from Chicken, stating that someone was attempting to access the premises. A quick scan of the perimeter fence revealed the perpetrator to be a wild garden bird of average proportions, sporting brown plumage. I estimated the weight of the bird to be not very much, but could also see the potential threat it represented.

My military training had taught me never to underestimate the enemy. Although one single bird would be unlikely to have any impact, 500 could quite easily cause the whole garden to collapse. It is common knowledge that birds of a feather flock together, so it is imperative that I get rid of this bird before it returns with its friends.

Unfortunately, The Fairy is working against me on this one, and for some reason is encouraging their presence by putting out food! She really is impossible at times. Chicken, on the other hand, has really stepped up to the plate and is proving to be an invaluable asset. First response was for us to get rid of the food, which we accomplished pretty quickly. We then ran around barking at the fence, and the bird had the intelligence to fly away.


Restricting access to food sources

I have now retired to my bed to plan my counterattack. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has issued the following advice for anyone whose property is attacked by wild birds:

What you can do without a licence

You must first try to resolve your wild bird problem using standard bird management options. You should try:

1. scaring the birds away using visual (eg scarecrows) or audible devices (including shooting to scare) PRIORITY
2. restricting access to food sources MANAGEABLE
3. stopping birds from roosting or nesting on your buildings or land by putting netting over vulnerable areas INTERESTING
4. managing nearby habitat to make it less attractive to birds N/A
5. maintaining a human presence around the site to deter birds POSSIBLE
6. using physical barriers to keep birds away DEFINITELY

I will draw upon this, and my extensive military experience, to plan my campaign against the local bird population. I will keep you informed of my progress.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

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