I have been on high alert since dawn and have raised the threat level from substantial to severe. My garden has been classified as a construction site since last Autumn when I first started my trench, and as such is subject to current Health and Safety regulations which means I’m responsible for the safety of anyone who enters it. It has been particularly important to control access to the site recently, due to the instability caused by the illegal fracking.
This morning, I received some intelligence from Chicken, stating that someone was attempting to access the premises. A quick scan of the perimeter fence revealed the perpetrator to be a wild garden bird of average proportions, sporting brown plumage. I estimated the weight of the bird to be not very much, but could also see the potential threat it represented.
My military training had taught me never to underestimate the enemy. Although one single bird would be unlikely to have any impact, 500 could quite easily cause the whole garden to collapse. It is common knowledge that birds of a feather flock together, so it is imperative that I get rid of this bird before it returns with its friends.
Unfortunately, The Fairy is working against me on this one, and for some reason is encouraging their presence by putting out food! She really is impossible at times. Chicken, on the other hand, has really stepped up to the plate and is proving to be an invaluable asset. First response was for us to get rid of the food, which we accomplished pretty quickly. We then ran around barking at the fence, and the bird had the intelligence to fly away.
I have now retired to my bed to plan my counterattack. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has issued the following advice for anyone whose property is attacked by wild birds:
What you can do without a licence
You must first try to resolve your wild bird problem using standard bird management options. You should try:
1. scaring the birds away using visual (eg scarecrows) or audible devices (including shooting to scare) PRIORITY
2. restricting access to food sources MANAGEABLE
3. stopping birds from roosting or nesting on your buildings or land by putting netting over vulnerable areas INTERESTING
4. managing nearby habitat to make it less attractive to birds N/A
5. maintaining a human presence around the site to deter birds POSSIBLE
6. using physical barriers to keep birds away DEFINITELY
I will draw upon this, and my extensive military experience, to plan my campaign against the local bird population. I will keep you informed of my progress.
MONTY THE GREAT