Bossy Boots Monty did all think he could tells me what to do so I did say no chance Bossy Monty, you is not the bossy boss of me! I did decides to get my own back.
Then we did go to Grandad and Grandma’s and Monty did go to sleep on the big greyhound bed. Then he did start to dream and I did say to Big Rabbit that he does dream like a girl and then she did laugh and I did laugh because Monty does dream like a girly girl. BOOM! BOOM!
I have been on high alert since dawn and have raised the threat level from substantial to severe. My garden has been classified as a construction site since last Autumn when I first started my trench, and as such is subject to current Health and Safety regulations which means I’m responsible for the safety of anyone who enters it. It has been particularly important to control access to the site recently, due to the instability caused by the illegal fracking.
Guard duty
This morning, I received some intelligence from Chicken, stating that someone was attempting to access the premises. A quick scan of the perimeter fence revealed the perpetrator to be a wild garden bird of average proportions, sporting brown plumage. I estimated the weight of the bird to be not very much, but could also see the potential threat it represented.
My military training had taught me never to underestimate the enemy. Although one single bird would be unlikely to have any impact, 500 could quite easily cause the whole garden to collapse. It is common knowledge that birds of a feather flock together, so it is imperative that I get rid of this bird before it returns with its friends.
Unfortunately, The Fairy is working against me on this one, and for some reason is encouraging their presence by putting out food! She really is impossible at times. Chicken, on the other hand, has really stepped up to the plate and is proving to be an invaluable asset. First response was for us to get rid of the food, which we accomplished pretty quickly. We then ran around barking at the fence, and the bird had the intelligence to fly away.
Restricting access to food sources
I have now retired to my bed to plan my counterattack. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has issued the following advice for anyone whose property is attacked by wild birds:
What you can do without a licence
You must first try to resolve your wild bird problem using standard bird management options. You should try:
1. scaring the birds away using visual (eg scarecrows) or audible devices (including shooting to scare) PRIORITY
2. restricting access to food sources MANAGEABLE
3. stopping birds from roosting or nesting on your buildings or land by putting netting over vulnerable areas INTERESTING
4. managing nearby habitat to make it less attractive to birds N/A
5. maintaining a human presence around the site to deter birds POSSIBLE
6. using physical barriers to keep birds away DEFINITELY
I will draw upon this, and my extensive military experience, to plan my campaign against the local bird population. I will keep you informed of my progress.
MONTY THE GREAT
In the interests of professional credibility, reputation and of acquiring a job in the future, I would like to disassociate myself from Monty’s ludicrous illegal fracking theory. In no way do I support any of his arguments and I have never said anything to him to suggest that I do. Nor have I found any evidence to support his idea.
I do not want to disassociate myself from Monty himself, because as a greyhound I think he’s wonderful. He’s one of the greatest retired racing greyhounds I’ve ever met. But come on, Monty! Illegal fracking?
IT’S JUST CHICKEN, YOU DUNDERHEAD.
IT’S ALWAYS BEEN JUST CHICKEN.
She’s digging up your garden, mate. Deal with it.
Arky-Ollie-Just
P.S. Put your hand up if you looked up agrostology on the Internet.
A reply from Monty:
‘When a true genius appears in the world, you can know him by this sign; the dunces are all in confederacy against him.’ John Kennedy Toole
I absolutely knew I was correct. There is, in my professional opinion, indisputable evidence that illegal fracking is taking place in the locality and it is having a direct, detrimental effect on my back garden. I intend to present my evidence to Simon at the DECC as soon as I have compiled a full report.
Although I haven’t felt them myself, there have obviously been quite strong earth tremors occurring. These have been strong enough to cause the football to roll into my trench. I have taken photographs from several different angles as I may need to present them as evidence in court at a letter date.
In addition to this, a new sinkhole has appeared in a different area of the garden and I have serious concerns about the foundations of the house, as it is only about one yard from the outer wall of my bedroom. Chicken was barking some rubbish at me about ownership of the site, so I had to enlighten her to the fact that nobody can claim ownership of a hole as, by definition, there’s nothing there. Ref: Arky-Ollie-Just January 8, 2016. GIC Press.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
The last clue suggesting underground disturbance is a lot more subtle, and could have easily been missed by someone less astute than myself. Luckily, I have an interest in, and extensive knowledge of agrostology, which is the scientific study of grasses. When I first moved in, the back garden was covered in thick, healthy grass. In recent times however, the quality and quantity have reduced dramatically and I believe this is due to root damage, caused by underground vibrations. This deterioration began at the same time as the erosion to my trench, which I believe lends credibility to my illegal fracking theory.
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
Interestingly, though of no importance, it also coincides with the arrival of Chicken.
Monty BSc
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky.
Chicky, chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
How clever I is with digging. Today in the morning I did go out and in secret did try to dig a bit more for lovely Monty in his tunnel. It was difficult impossible to digger it though because he has all decided to use it to keep his weeing ball in! Who keeps a footyball in a hole nowadays? I did all at first try to dig up around it and then it was too hard so I thought, get lost Monty Bum, and dig it yourself.
Then I myself had the bestest ever best idea and did decide to dig my own hole which is betterer than his. I did start it on my own and then nosey Monty did come near me and I did tell him to go away with barking and barking because it is MINE.
And then The Fairy did loudly tell me how goody my hole is. The Fairy is always talking talking but when something is really best, she shouts all big and this is how I know that my digging hole is the bestest.
She did shout for too long today this morning, so I had to stop doing the important digging and go to tell her, “I’m not deaf.” The Fairy said I had done enough digging already but she is not clever so she did use the wrong word and say ‘damage’ all by accident.
Chicken xxx
I took everybody for a walk yesterday morning as I am wont to do. The Fairy misjudged the ambient temperature which was about ten degrees higher than she had expected. She ended up carrying our coats, and moaned about it all the way home.
As soon as we left the dwelling unit, the strength of the wind was obvious. I thought perhaps it would die down as we ventured further afield, but if anything, the opposite was true. Naturally I was concerned for the safety of my unit, and felt it prudent to terminate the expedition and return to base as quickly as possible. Attempts to push The Fairy from behind failed, so I adjusted my approach and adopted the pull and drag technique. Despite taking longer than I would have hoped, we did eventually return safely and I completed a quick head count before heading straight for the phone.
It had taken longer than anticipated, but I had eventually tracked down Simon at the Department of Energy & Climate Change’s mobile number. I felt outraged that he had allowed the wind to become so strong and feel very strongly that if he doesn’t take his climate responsibilities seriously, he shouldn’t be in the job. Naturally, I rang him straight away to express my anger.
He was less happy than I would expect a man on holiday to be. He seemed more interested in where I had obtained his private number than in the current weather conditions. I am a real believer in giving credit where it’s due, so although I did disclose that I had found the number on my own, I also mentioned the level of support I had received from his secretary. Too often the back room staff do not receive the recognition they deserve so I felt I was doing a good deed by mentioning his role in this matter. I’m sure he will appreciate my thoughtfulness.
Unfortunately, Simon was unable to speak in any depth, so I told him that I would contact him again at another time. He tried to tell me never to ring him again, and became quite passionate about this, expressing himself in quite an animated way.
Far be it from me to criticise him, but there really was no need for that kind of language.
Monty
Brave Monty
Today in the morning The Fairy did all get us out of bed early to go for a windy walk before breakfast because she is all still getting fitterer. It is not coldy but the big wind did try to knock us over but we is all too strong. Monty wanted to stay in his big comfy bed but I decides he has to come with us to get more fitter too, because he is being a bit chubby now.
Me and The Fairy did laugh all the time because big wind is funny but Monty Bum Bum was scaredy cat and frightened of the noise. I did say that he should stop being all a baby and that his wind was much more noisy and he said that was a bit harsh but I said it is true.
He did try to get back home quickly fast and pulled and pulled to make us go quickerer. He did kept saying that he was just tired and wanted to go back to bed and I did say that was a porky pie and also I did say if it was true, it serves him right for sitting up all night using the big computerer.
Now we is back in and waiting for food and I is then going to look after Monty because I love him. BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken xxx
Today I was embarrassed in public by The Fairy and Chicken behaving in a totally inappropriate way with firemen. These people are professionals like myself, and they have a job to do. I’m pretty sure they did not appreciate being interfered with.
We exited the vehicle at the lake and set off in a clockwise direction. We hadn’t gone more than a couple of yards before Chicken noticed the firemen partaking in water rescue training, and wanted to go and see what they were doing. The Fairy actually pretended that she was being dragged against her will towards the water’s edge! I couldn’t believe it. The audacity. The pair of them stood grinning like idiots and wouldn’t move even when I tried to pull them away. I was mortified when our presence was noticed and nearly passed out with shame when The Fairy, in an attempt to stay a little longer, undid and then re-tied her laces.
That particular sham marked the end of my patience and I put my foot down with a firm hand and demanded that we move on. The rest of the walk was completely ruined by their inane chatter about how aesthetically pleasing some men are, which is shallow and highly disrespectful in my opinion. As if I hadn’t suffered enough, Chicken then turned the conversation to Klopp, who she continues to be fascinated by. I honestly don’t understand what she sees in him. I am willing to agree that he has some good points, but if it came to a choice between the two of us, he simply doesn’t measure up. I am obviously superior.
He only has two legs for a start.
Monty
A note from Chicken:
It is difficult hard decision. Who would you choose?
Greyhounds In Charge 