Posts Tagged With: Local police

197. Biker Gove Is Back On TV – by Monty

The police have been round. By Police, I mean PC Dave from the Station. He said he had spent a stressful two hours trying to persuade the Duty Sergeant not to arrest Chicken for threatening behaviour. He said he was only able to vouch for her as he knew her and her big mouth so well, and under other circumstances she would have been down the Station by now.

Following a very stern talking to, Chicken went off with a bee in her bonnet, and noticeably quieter. There is no excuse for threatening to kick the Police, and Dave and I had a thoroughly engaging conversation about the future of the Police Force.

I came up with a plan of action that will instantly solve the issue of police numbers. It is quite a simple plan really:

STOP COMMITTING CRIME.

Every time someone commits a crime, the police spend hours, days, weeks and sometimes years dealing with it. If people stop committing crimes, then the Police will always have enough officers available to deal with emergencies. I will implement this plan once I am firmly established in Number 10.

Two Britisih Policemen in Traditional Helmets on Crowd Control

We support the Police and all the emergency services 

On another point, Biker Gove is back on the television for another series, which should prove very entertaining. I have been following the news closely over the last few days, and am shocked to find that another political party is also trying to take my job. There is nothing more exasperating than someone who isn’t the Prime Minister, thinking that he is. UNBELIEVABLE!

 

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

196. Furious Chicken Takes Phone Into Her Own Hands – by Chicken

I IS FURIOUS! I IS A CHICKEN SPITTING FEATHERS!

My big job as Prime Ministers has all been stolen away by somebody else! Monty did keeps saying I did have to stay calm but I did kick him in the head. Then I did ring the police. The police did say that PC Dave was not at the station so I did say I would come and kick them in the head and then Monty did take the phone off me.

I did thinking and thinking and did decide to ring the Queen. The Queen was a bit busy and couldn’t all come to the phone but the man did say that Mrs May-Or-May-Not had already been to see the Queen first before me and my Monty. I did not tell him that I would kick him in the head.

Monty did say not to worry because he was doing a big investigating and we was the Prime Ministers but he did need to sort out the static tickle error. I was still angry mad but he said that when it was sorted out that we will both go together to see the Queen together and then I was happy.

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I has picked my new hat

I did ask The Fairy ifs I could get a new hat to go to see the Queen and she did say yes. And then I was more better happy than before and Monty didn’t get all kicked in the head again.

 

 

 

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

169. I’m Doing What With The Who Now? – by Monty

Over the last year or so, I’ve grown used to Chicken’s quirky behaviour and rather unorthodox way of looking at things. Because of this, I’ve learnt to filter out half of what she says, and most of what she does. I find this a good policy. It saves me a lot of mental energy. However, ignoring what she is saying has its drawbacks as I have just discovered.

The Fairy and Chicken went shopping this morning, so I was left in charge. I took the opportunity to sweep the house for listening devices which may have been planted by Foxy, or indeed any of the local wildlife, whom I still do not trust.

During the first phase of my patrol, I came across a food list which included a carrot and walnut cake, which is my favourite. I initially thought Chicken was thinking of making me one for Christmas, but also on the list were 12 wedding favours. This didn’t make any sense to me, but for some reason caused me to feel a little uneasy.

The next thing I came across was a guest list, which included Father Christmas, Rudolf, Jurgen Klopp, PC Dave from the Station and Big Rabbit. I decided to ring Father Christmas to ask about it, and he confirmed that he had indeed received a wedding invitation, though didn’t have time to explain, as obviously he is extremely busy at the moment. As I was curious as to who was getting married, I then decided to ring PC Dave.

He appeared to be speaking in some sort of police code, and cryptically warned me not to let Chicken know that I had forgotten my own big day. My big day? By this time I was very worried, as I felt instinctively that I should know who was getting married, and had a sneaking suspicion that it was me!

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Can I organise this in four days?

Chicken then returned from shopping, saying that she had opted for the Audrey Hepburn look, but that I wasn’t allowed to see. She threw down a copy of Bride magazine and went off into the kitchen to talk to The Fairy. I only just managed to drag myself into my office before collapsing.

Had I agreed to a Christmas Eve wedding without realising it? Was that possible? I want to marry her of course; she’s pretty, loving, funny and enthusiastic about everything, but I had rather imagined that I would be in complete control of the planning of the event.

For starters, how am I going to organise a suitable honeymoon in only four days?

Monty The Worried

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162. Greyhounds Drugged – by Monty

The lashed few days hash been a blur. I hash attempted to contasht PC Dave at the Shtation, but can’t use the phone. I hash been drugged, and to make shmatters worse, there’s loadsh of fireworks. Which ish the short of time that I need all my faculshies.

The Fairy shes itsh for my own good, but itsh not. Shicken hash alsho been drugged. I know thish, because she’s shtanding shtill.

I’m sho shpaced out, that I don’t care about the fireworks. They’ve been going offsh for daysh. Shicken ish shtill shtanding shtill.

Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa…….sh.

Montshy hahahahahaha

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158. The Usefulness Of Chicken – by Monty

Chicken’s capacity to be useful has come into question recently. The Fairy has suffered first hand at Chicken’s head so to speak, but to be honest, I think she should stop mentioning it now as she has milked it for all it’s worth. PC Dave at the station said he couldn’t proceed with any prosecution in the absence of a complaint, and The Fairy said she won’t make a complaint because she loves Chicken and knows she didn’t mean it. Chicken continues to deny all knowledge.

There are times however, when Chicken can be very useful indeed. At such times I am very proud to be her Commanding Officer.

Let’s discuss medicine.

It’s expensive to start with, so people wouldn’t buy it for us unless it was necessary, and of course – it works. If we are ill, it is most important that we take our medicine at the appropriate times and in the appropriate amount. I have no objection to this, as long as I have pre-approved said medicine.

If, on the other hand, I am being fed some new age herbal concoction that I have not requested, I am of a different mind. The label may say it helps dogs and cats deal with the trauma of fireworks, but I say if I haven’t ordered it myself, I will not eat it.

I am particularly proficient at identifying any foreign body in my food, and eating around it. Due to this, The Fairy has taken to hiding the tablets inside cheese or meat paste. I suspect one or two tablets have made it into my system, but I am becoming better at locating them and spitting them out. To counteract this, The Fairy always checks the floor and then attempts to re-administer any stray tablets.

The question I was wrestling with was this: Where can I hide the wet and sticky spit-out tablet?

Enter Chicken:

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Stuck like glue

It took The Fairy fifteen minutes to find it.

Monty

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131. Never Underestimate Monty The Great – by Monty

Chicken has rung the police about the judging of the precision jumping. She is adamant that she should have won, and has demanded an inquiry. Personally, I think the judge was professional and unbiased and that the best dog won. Chicken said that the judge couldn’t be trusted to be unbiased, because the judge was me. I disagree, and the result stands.

The next event which I have lined up is the digging. Points will be awarded for speed, technique, the depth of the finished hole, and how many legs were used in the execution. The highest available score for the last requirement being four.

Chicken believes she will win this one, as I have never been in the digging pit. I warned her not to underestimate me, but she said she wasn’t worried because she thought I was unprepared, and that I couldn’t even compete if I was not brave enough to step into the arena in the first place.

However, I have secretly employed a coach who has helped me develop my routine. After many weeks of assessing the pit, I have finally made the decision to go in it.

This did involve the dismantling of the side wall, but all’s fair in love and sport, as they say.

Monty The Great

 

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115. Do British Politicians Move Faster Than Greyhounds? – by Monty

I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.

If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.

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Sausage dinner every day

My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.

My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.

I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.

Monty

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101. Expanding The F.A.R.T? – by Monty

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Shining in the sun

It has been very warm and sunny over the last few days so Chicken and I have been sunbathing. The Fairy put up a large umbrella, as presumably she didn’t trust the weatherman and was preparing for rain. I will admit to being cautious by nature, but this really was being over cautious if you ask me. Having said that, I do admire someone who is prepared for every eventuality, and this is England, so not impossible that it should rain at any given moment.

I met with Ugly Cat yesterday evening, who was sitting on next door’s shed. He was in a good mood, saying he was looking forward to sitting on my new shed. I informed him that I had not yet allocated seating positions on my shed, but that I had already rejected applications from the pigeons and the magpies.

Ugly Cat said that he could be very useful from such a high vantage point, and could provide me with important information about any activity in the immediate vicinity. He started to tell me about some possible illegal fracking activity which he believes is taking place in a large field next to the estate, when we were interrupted by one of the above mentioned magpies. This bird proceeded to tell me that as a flyer capable of reaching quite high altitude, he would be infinitely more valuable than Ugly Cat, and requested that I re-assess his shed-sitting application.

Ugly Cat then lost control of himself and started hissing and spitting. He was on the point of launching an attack, when out of nowhere, Chicken launched her own. She flung herself at the fence and both the magpie and Ugly Cat scattered. I told her very sternly that I had been in the middle of an intelligence gathering operation, and was displeased with her having sabotaged it. She replied that she had come to play with me; called me boring, and ran off to find a toy.

I determined to contact all members of the F.A.R.T. in order to discuss the information I had received. After making a round of phone calls, the meeting has been set for Wednesday, and will take the form of a BBQ as suggested by PC Dave from the Station. Bob from the Council agreed to come (on this basis only), and I therefore feel it is imperative that Pete Who Can Build Anything visits my premises beforehand. If Bob sees that Chicken has been continuing with the trench building programme without planning permission, he may decide to prosecute. If we can show that we have firm plans in place to repair the damage, we may get away with it.

Monty

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78. Mixed Results – by Monty

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The damage can be clearly seen

Yesterday The Fairy cut the mud in the back garden. It looks a lot tidier and the full extent of the damage can now be clearly seen. Ugly Cat appeared on the fence and had a long, private conversation with Chicken. I did not get involved in this, as I was busy guiding The Fairy at the time. I find that running directly in the path of the lawn mower is the best technique here.

Last night we embarked on our first reconnaissance mission and I’m pleased to report it was a success of sorts. I had devised a recording system to allow all members of the team to accurately document any findings. The recording sheets were returned to me in various states of disrepair, and did not yield as much information as I had hoped.

Bob from the Council screwed up his bit of paper as soon as we left the unit and threw it on the floor, but was asked by PC Dave from the Station to pick it up straight away as it contravened the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act 2005. The Fairy mentioned that you can report littering to the Council so Bob said it made more sense for him to report himself to himself in the morning, thus negating the need for Dave to handcuff him and take him to the Station. Dave agreed to this, in the interest of reducing the amount of paperwork he had to do.

Dave had used his to draft out a written warning to Bob about littering; The Fairy had drawn a basic street plan and marked on it every shrub or plant that she liked the look of, with the intention of returning in daylight to inspect them further; and Chicken had used hers to write a love letter to Jurgen Klopp. It became apparent that more training was required vis-a-vis the recording sheets. It is my belief that those responsible for the illegal fracking had got wind of our patrol, and shut down operations for the night. In this respect, our patrol was highly successful.

Upon our return we had a long debriefing over cake and coffee, during which it was again raised as an issue that Chicken was responsible for all the damage in the garden. Chicken said that it was Ugly Cat, and also went on to accuse me of contributing to the disintegration of the lawn without realising it. Outrageous!

Does she think I’m some sort of idiot?

Monty

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , , , , ,

76. First F.A.R.T. Patrol Planned – by Monty

We have planned our first F.A.R.T. patrol for Thursday night. Bob from the Council said he would be there as soon as he had finished the weekly shop; Dave from the Station said he would arrive early to go over the plans in detail, (this coincides with tea time), and Chicken and The Fairy said they were looking forward to it and are planning what to wear. Dave again mentioned the advantages of having F.A.R.T. jackets but I again mentioned that this was inappropriate. The only thing that will stop us now is any unexpected fireworks/noises and any sign of inclement weather. Bob and Dave also insisted that cake be served upon our return to the unit.

We had a short meeting to determine the finer points.

As this is a patrol and not just a walk, the plan was to split up into separate working groups. Chicken immediately stated her desire not to be separated from The Fairy, and Dave said he would form the third wing of their group. Bob then complained about being left with me. (I suspect he has less courage than I first thought, but I did not want to state this out loud in case I offended him.) Dave kindly said he would swap with Bob and form the lead party with me.

Chicken then said that she would miss me if we didn’t walk together, and reminded me of my promise to always protect her from Ugly Cat. I therefore determined that Chicken could join Dave and myself, and Bob and The Fairy would make up the second party. This was deemed unacceptable by Chicken, who once again reiterated her objection to being separated from The Fairy.

The plan was again updated to allow for Chicken and The Fairy to remain together, with me as protector. Bob and Dave therefore, would be on patrol as a pair. Dave raised concerns about one party having two large males in it whilst the other only had two dogs and one unfit female. I was about to argue against such outrageous statements when The Fairy beat me to it, and by the time she’d finished I didn’t think Dave needed any further information.

Bob then reminded us that there was safety in numbers, and Dave highlighted the fact that if Chicken, myself and The Fairy were together this would just be a normal walk. He said it was important to differentiate between a walk and a patrol which I had to agree with. I have therefore decided to join the two groups together to form one big working party. This has the added advantage of us being able to maintain radio silence.

Bob then complained that he had not signed up to the F.A.R.T. just to go on a big dog walk but Dave suggested that they both walk backwards at the rear of the party, in order to lend a more official air to the procedings. This proposal was accepted by all, and I was therefore able to finalise the plan, with the one amendment which allowed Bob to carry a red light.

Progress at last.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

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