Posts Tagged With: Local police

76. First F.A.R.T. Patrol Planned – by Monty

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Mydogslife

We have planned our first F.A.R.T. patrol for Thursday night. Bob from the Council said he would be there as soon as he had finished the weekly shop; Dave from the Station said he would arrive early to go over the plans in detail, (this coincides with tea time), and Chicken and The Fairy said they were looking forward to it and are planning what to wear. Dave again mentioned the advantages of having F.A.R.T. jackets but I again mentioned that this was inappropriate. The only thing that will stop us now is any unexpected fireworks/noises and any sign of inclement weather. Bob and Dave also insisted that cake be served upon our return to the unit.

We had a short meeting to determine the finer points.

As this is a patrol and not just a walk, the plan was to split up into separate working groups. Chicken immediately stated her desire not to be separated from The Fairy, and Dave said he would form the third wing of their group. Bob then complained about being left with me. (I suspect he has less courage than I first thought, but I did not want to state this out loud in case I offended him.) Dave kindly said he would swap with Bob and form the lead party with me.

Chicken then said that she would miss me if we didn’t walk together, and reminded me of my promise to always protect her from Ugly Cat. I therefore determined that Chicken could join Dave and myself, and Bob and The Fairy would make up the second party. This was deemed unacceptable by Chicken, who once again reiterated her objection to being separated from The Fairy.

The plan was again updated to allow for Chicken and The Fairy to remain together, with me as protector. Bob and Dave therefore, would be on patrol as a pair. Dave raised concerns about one party having two large males in it whilst the other only had two dogs and one unfit female. I was about to argue against such outrageous statements when The Fairy beat me to it, and by the time she’d finished I didn’t think Dave needed any further information.

Bob then reminded us that there was safety in numbers, and Dave highlighted the fact that if Chicken, myself and The Fairy were together this would just be a normal walk. He said it was important to differentiate between a walk and a patrol which I had to agree with. I have therefore decided to join the two groups together to form one big working party. This has the added advantage of us being able to maintain radio silence.

Bob then complained that he had not signed up to the F.A.R.T. just to go on a big dog walk but Dave suggested that they both walk backwards at the rear of the party, in order to lend a more official air to the procedings. This proposal was accepted by all, and I was therefore able to finalise the plan, with the one amendment which allowed Bob to carry a red light.

Progress at last.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

75. You Should Never Joke About Security – by Monty

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Mydogslife

I was out on patrol with my unit last night, when we happened upon what we initially thought was a barbecue. There was a bright light on in a back garden, smoke rising and a voice speaking. We were told in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA. YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA.

The Fairy was quite confused, but I was able to explain the whole scene to her due to my superior knowledge of security issues. The owner of the property had obviously obtained a rather advanced security system. I believe it was being tested as we passed by, or had at least been triggered accidentally by some sort of intruder/animal. The light was extremely bright, highlighting the smoke coming from the kitchen fan. Everybody was relieved to hear my explanation, as they were beginning to show signs of panic. The Fairy continued to laugh hysterically until we got home.

This incident made me think about the security at my own property, so this morning I contacted Dave at the Station to discuss it with him. He was more than willing to come round for a meeting, especially when he was promised a slice of cake and a cup of tea. He said that he wished everybody took home security as seriously as me, and that he would consider my kind offer to provide an information and training session for the public.

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Suspect number 1

We discussed the feasibility of installing floodlights and a camera, though he was less enthusiastic about the electric fence and man-trap ideas that I put forward. At this point The Fairy joined us, disclosing that somewhere in the house was a trail camera. These are activated by movement and are usually used to capture videos of nocturnal wildlife. The Fairy said she had used it in the past and had caught mice, cats, hedgehogs and a weasel on it. This has really sparked my interest and I have insisted that she find it so that I can set it up in the garden, my main target being the hedgehogs.

Dave then stated that the chances of a hedgehog breaking into the house were quite remote, and that he had not seen any this year anyway, even when on night duty. This led to quite a heated discussion about the potential damage a hedgehog could cause. Dave disputed my assertion that hedgehogs were responsible for more damage to mud heads than all other species of animals put together. So I threw him out. I made it very clear that I expected a more co-operative attitude from him when we embark on our first F.A.R.T. patrol.

He left in a bit of a mood, but not – I hasten to add – until he had collected another slice of cake from The Fairy.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

71. The Fracking Activity Reconnaissance Team – by Monty

Posted on April 9, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday’s meeting went extremely well. Dave from the Station and Bob from the Council were both in attendance, which I was very pleased about. I had had a long conversation with PC Dave at the Station, who informed me that there was no independent, creditable evidence to suggest that any form of fracking was taking place. Because of this, he was unable to help me and suggested I concentrate all my energy on my Mud Head Project. He also stated that this meant there was no need for Bob or himself to attend the meeting.

I spent some time thinking of a way forward, and then rang Dave back to explain my plan. He was immediately excited about my proposal, and said he would be honoured to be part of it. He also said he would make sure that Bob from the Council was there, as he believed he would really enjoy this.

 

Minutes of the meeting called Friday 8th April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just and Simon from the DECC.

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob, Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council.

Item 2

The Chairman put forward a proposal to form a working party whose primary purpose would be to gather intelligence about any fracking activity in the area, which is needed to proceed with a Police investigation. Volunteers were being sought to form the Fracking Activity Reconnaissance Team. The Chairman put himself forward to lead the team, and opened up the floor to discussion.

A reminder to take the proceedings seriously was issued, in order to curb the unnecessary laughter.

Dave from the Station was the first to offer his services, stating that it would be good for his career to be part of the F.A.R.T. He put forward the proposal that we have jackets printed so that we would be easily recognisable as F.A.R.T’s.

This was rejected on the grounds that we need to be incognito.

Bob from the Council was the second to volunteer, remarking that he felt he had the necessary skills to make the F.A.R.T. one of the most successful in history. He added to this, that Dave had been right to persuade him to attend the meeting, and that he wouldn’t have missed it for the world. He thanked the Chairman for the opportunity to demonstrate his commitment to the F.A.R.T.

A further reminder about appropriate behaviour during meetings was issued.

It was determined that Monty The Great, Dave from the Station and Bob at the Council would make up the F.A.R.T.

Item 3

A complaint was received from The Fairy and Chicken, who both stated that it was unfair that the F.A.R.T. was made up solely of men. The Chairman acknowledged this truth, but went on to explain that in this area, men have historically shown their superiority. A compromise was reached, allowing The Fairy and Chicken to play a more discreet role, as the silent element of F.A.R.T.

Item 4

No further items were discussed, as by this time Dave was unable to participate further due to uncontrollable laughter, and Bob was crying. The Chairman voiced his concerns about professionalism, and hoped he hadn’t made a mistake recruiting them to the F.A.R.T.

Both assured the meeting that they were fully committed to the aims of the F.A.R.T., adding that it was the best thing that had happened to them this year.

Item 5

The Chairman stated that an Action Plan would be drawn up, to be debated at the next meeting.

Item 6

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close. The date of the next meeting is to be confirmed.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

67. Emergency Meeting – by Monty

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

Minutes of the emergency meeting called Friday 1st April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council, Simon from the DECC. Reasons given:

  • Arky-Ollie-Just: history related activities
  • PC Dave: chasing a dinosaur through the town centre
  • Bob: on family holiday
  • Simon: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob.

Item 2

It was felt necessary to discuss the absence of PC Dave, due to the fact that Chicken could not concentrate knowing there was a dinosaur in the vicinity. The Chairman (Monty The Great) reassured her that PC Dave would deal with it and that no people or animals were in any danger. The Fairy put forward a proposal that it was an April Fools joke, but this was dismissed by the Chairman on the grounds that police officers never joke about public safety.

Item 3

The unexplained hole was explained by the Chairman as being the result of illegal fracking. The Fairy submitted a second proposal, suggesting Chicken was responsible. Chicken denied this, proposing instead that we blame Ugly Cat. As Ugly Cat was not present at the meeting to defend itself, the motion that the hole is the result of illegal fracking stands.

Item 4

Appropriate behaviour during meetings was discussed. The Chairman made clear that instances of inappropriate behaviour would not be tolerated. These include: shouting, snorting, spitting, sulking, getting up to make coffee, bringing unauthorised toys to the table, answering a Skype call from Grandma and Grandad, and disagreeing with the Chairman.

Item 5

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close due to extended periods of inappropriate behaviour. It was noted that Alive Orange Blob had behaved impeccably and was therefore voted in as Vice Chairman, despite objections from The Fairy and Chicken.

The Chairman resolved this issue by drawing their attention to the last example of inappropriate behaviour listed in Item 4.

Item 6

The date of the next meeting was set for Friday 8th April 2016.

Meeting abandoned at 1430 hrs.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.

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Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.

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Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

57. Time To Shape Up – by Monty

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have just finished speaking with Dave from the Station. It was necessary for me to report an intruder who threatened the safety of my unit. We were not in any immediate danger, as I was on duty at the time, but I felt it prudent to inform the police in case I need to borrow some equipment from them in the future.

At 0630hrs I conducted the first inspection of the perimeter fence. Finding nothing untoward, I retired to my bed in order to plan the rest of the day. Chicken reported seeing Ugly Cat jumping off the back fence, but she tends to do this every morning so I did not take her report seriously.

At 0700hrs we both went out again and I immediately identified said cat sitting on top of the fence, very close to the house. Chicken joined me in verbally attacking the cat, and then took it a step further by trying to reach it by jumping up. I attempted to dislodge it by repeatedly throwing my weight against the fence. The Fairy was very frightened of the cat, so called us in and closed the curtain. She applauded our attempts to scare it away, and said we had to leave it alone for a few minutes to give it the chance to walk away.

At 0715hrs the curtain was pulled back again, only to reveal an unbelievable situation. Ugly Cat had indeed moved from the fence. To my patio! It was sitting about six inches off the glass looking in. I rather believe it wanted to come in.

To the untrained eye, it could have looked like Chicken and I lost control, but I was simply following military procedure, and Chicken was simply following my example. When under attack, there simply is no choice but to come out fighting. Retreating is NOT an option. Our attempts at hand to hand combat were thwarted somewhat by the presence of the patio door, but I like to believe our show of strength gave Ugly Cat something to think about.

It doesn’t appear to be the cleverest cat in the world, because it didn’t immediately scarper. Chicken said it wanted to get her and her toys, but I said it was just a bit slow, and wouldn’t return once it had had time to think things over. Just in case it decides to attack again however, I am instigating a programme of training for my whole unit to ensure we are combat ready.

PC Dave said that there was nothing he could do at the moment as Ugly Cat hadn’t caused any criminal damage, but he did say that I had done the right thing reporting the incident. He said he would step up his patrols in the area and reminded me not to take the law into my own hands.

I reminded him that I am a professional, and assured him that I would involve him in any future operations. He said he would really appreciate that, as he didn’t have enough to do already. He is such a nice man.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

51. Bob, Dave, Duck And Chicken – by Monty

Posted on March 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

The last few days have been quite eventful. On Friday PC Dave from the Station turned up, asking to speak to me about a couple of incidents that had been brought to his attention. One of them had something to do with Porta-Loo Day and the Neighbourhood Watch. I couldn’t quite understand what he was getting at, but I believe that some of the people on the estate have been complaining. It is possible that I have been unfairly missing some of the portable toilets, so I will make an extra effort next week to use every single one. I don’t want people feeling offended because they have been missed out.

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Monty showing his softer side with a flower

The other incident was entirely more serious, and one that I am particularly angry about. Apparently, Bob from the Council has put in a complaint about me! He has reported being attacked whilst on my property and Dave is now having to investigate the allegation. I made it quite clear that I did not injure Bob in any way, and went so far as to demonstrate how I had asked him to leave. As far as I am aware, there is no law against asking someone to leave your premises, using verbal communication only.

Dave agreed with this, but said I should guard against presenting myself in a way that could be conceived as threatening. He said that Bob no longer felt safe dealing with me, and no longer had any peace of mind. I told Dave that I’d give Bob a piece of my mind if I saw him again, and went on to explain how my planning application had been turned down. Dave sympathised but was very clear about how I should conduct myself in future. I agreed to behave in a more restrained way, and went on to tell him about my Mud Head Project. He was very impressed and said this was much more practical than a trench, which was my thought entirely.

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Duck droppings on Chicken

On Friday Chicken tried to make friends with a duck but it ran away, so she had to content herself with rubbing her face and neck in its droppings. I did not allow her to sit too close to me in the car on the way home.

Yesterday we had a day out at Sister’s house where we came across a cat. I wanted to play with it but it ran away. Chicken insisted we had been followed by Ugly Cat and became quite upset. I explained to her that it was not Ugly Cat, but Talking Cat. It can say hello just like Sister! Extraordinary!

Today is Mother’s Day so we are visiting Grandma. If I have time later, I will write a letter of apology to Bob from the Council. I realise how formidable I am, and must take responsibility for my actions. It’s the right thing to do.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

37. First contact with the police – by Monty

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

First and foremost, I’d like to put it on record that I have the upmost respect for all our men and women who serve in the police force. I have every confidence that they will eventually apprehend those responsible for the illegal fracking, though I fully appreciate that the lack of witnesses and viable evidence may prove problematic.

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Awkward conversation 

First contact started a little bit awkwardly, as apparently, 999 is not an appropriate number to dial unless there is immediate danger of some kind. Having ascertained this, I redialed and was connected to an operator at the local station, who put me on to PC Dave from the dog section . The conversation went something like this:

MONTY: I’d like to report some illegal fracking, please.

PC DAVE: Illegal what?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Fracking?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Are you involved in the mining business yourself, sir?

MONTY: No. But I am digging a trench.

PC DAVE: A trench?

MONTY: Yes, a trench.

PC DAVE: What kind of trench?

MONTY: A large one. I anticipate it will run the whole length of the garden.

PC DAVE: And for what purpose are you digging this trench, sir?

MONTY: Does it matter?

PC DAVE: It might. I’m just trying to ascertain your reasons for digging a trench. You’re not planning on using it for any kind of anti-social behaviour are you?

MONTY: How dare you! I’ve never been anti-social in my life.

PC DAVE: There’s no need to become defensive, sir. I’m just conducting basic enquiries. You have to admit, it’s a little unusual to build a trench in a suburban garden.

MONTY: I have my reasons.

PC DAVE: I’m sure you do, sir. Do you also have planning permission?

 

It was at this point, unfortunately, that the phone failed. I decided against ringing back today. I feel satisfied that I have made an initial enquiry and will speak with PC Dave again in the near future.

I have also determined to re-establish contact with Bob at The Council to chase up my planning application. Not because I am worried about it, I just feel it’s time to conclude business on that front.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

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