Posts Tagged With: Wildlife

249. Build It And They Will Come – by Monty

Chicken has opened a GoFundMe account to help someone who is short of clothing. She has suggested that everyone who is willing to contribute should send some suspenders to a person called Doris. I suggested other clothing might also be appreciated, but she said it was only suspenders that were required. It warms my heart to see her being so kind to the less fortunate.

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Initial construction

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Helping with the digging

On the home front, great progress has been made in my garden. I had to put in a written complaint due to the inactivity of The Fairy which seems to have done the trick. She recently installed a luxury toilet for myself, which has unfortunately been hijacked by EVEN MORE WILDLIFE. It is almost as if she expected the wildlife to visit, as demonstrated by her building a stone escape structure for the hedgehogs. Does she really expect me to share my toilet facilities? She also made a serious error with regards groundcover, which I had to protest against, through the medium of wee. There is no place in my bathroom for gravel. Not with my sensitive feet. It makes no sense.

They came …

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

246. Laurel And Hardy – by Chicken

Today this morning I did gets a holiday postcard from Willy Tick. He is in Grimsby.

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Ice ice cake in my water bowl 

Monty donty bum bum did tell me that we does have a new Prime Ministers called Doris Bohnson. I does not care because I is too busy being hot. The Fairy did make me a ice ice cake in my water bowl but it did disappear and I did know it was Monty who did eating my cake so I did kick him in the head.

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Laurel and Hardy 

Laurel and Hardy the two pigeons does keep coming for water and food. Monty is complaining but I does like them because they do making me laugh. I did also see stupid Ugly Cats the other day yesterday and he did have a stupid other cats with him who was skinny and little and stupid and they did look at me all mean.

Monty did say that they wouldn’t dare come into my garden and he would keep me safety safe, so he is my big hero.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

245. Wildlife, Wildlife Everywhere, Nor Any Brain In Sight – by Monty

Over the last few months I have struggled to keep on top of the invading wildlife. Some incidents have been more serious than others, though none more outrageous than the Brainless Bird Incident of June 2019. 

For whatever reason, there is a hole in a brick on the outside wall and a starling built a nest in the cavity. It threw out a large amount of insulation and set up shop. When the birdlets hatched, we could hear them through the living room wall.

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Criminal damage

One evening, The Fairy said she could hear a bird in the downstairs toilet facility. She persisted with this notion and a few hours later, determined to smash open the toilet ceiling with a hammer. Luckily, the only tool on hand was a screwdriver so she decided to open the ceiling fan instead because that was where the noise was the loudest.

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Criminals

To my surprise, she reached in and extracted two very noisy birds. The Fairy put them in a box and rang the emergency vet who didn’t mind at all that he had been called in the middle of the night. The mother bird hadn’t been seen since dinner time and the birdlets didn’t have any wing feathers. The Fairy thought that if she pushed them back into the hole in the wall they would just make their way to the toilet again. She decided to take care of them overnight. About an hour later, she found another one looking out of the fan! The following day the birds went off to the wonderful Rase Vets.

 

 

 

 

Which leaves us with this question: What kind of brainless animal purposely tries to break into a toilet?

I rang The Station with regards to having them arrested for Breaking and Entering and Criminal Damage. PC Dave said that unfortunately there’s no law against being stupid.

Naturally, he was referring to the birdlets and not to myself.

Monty

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243. All Hail The Hedgehog – by Monty

 

My views on wildlife are well known. There is a time and a place, but that time is never and the place is not my garden. I am at odds here with The Fairy, who actively encourages it.

It will come as a surprise then, to hear me praising the hedgehog. There are quite a few who invade my territory on a nightly basis, bringing fleas and …… other things. Last night I was out late and had occasion to strike up a conversation with one such visitor. We passed the time of day and in keeping with tradition, discussed the weather.

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Cleverly nocturnal 

It turns out that hedgehogs have an excellent technique for dealing with the heat of summer. They are nocturnal. Simple yet effective. I have been reliably informed that the only reasons hedgehogs come out in the day is if they are hungry, thirsty or ill. If you see one out in the daytime over the next few days, it will probably be thirsty and very appreciative of a bowl of fresh water.

I informed The Fairy who has placed additional bowls of fresh water around the garden. I also informed Chicken that for the next week at least, we are going to adopt the most excellent hedgehog strategy of sleeping during the boiling hot day and waking during the night.

Yes people – we are going nocturnal. All hail the hedgehog.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty

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Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

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228. The Overuse Of The Word REMARKABLE – by Monty

I often feel that the word remarkable is overused. As a case in point, I would draw your attention to my previous statement when I referred to my recovery from a serious foot infection as remarkable. It turned out to be anything but. In fact, the recovery was noticeable by its absence. I remained on antibiotics for 21 days, until another infection (located in a rather delicate area of my anatomy which shall remain anonymous) kindly took up the gauntlet and ran with it, necessitating a different set of tablets. Woe is me. I do not like to complain as you know, but I have requested an official enquiry.

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The Chicken And The Toad

Chicken has been extra kind to me during this time, and has greatly reduced the amount of noise she makes. She is still twittering on about her ghost cat and seems to be making new acquaintances on her evening walks. So far she has mentioned a German Shepherd puppy, an Akita puppy, a Pug, a Jack Russell and a toad. None of whom she likes.

Due to my confinement, I missed the opportunity to put myself forward for the Home Secretary vacancy which became available last week. I am always at home and I could very easily acquire a secretary, so feel I would have been the ideal candidate. Chicken said she would rather enjoy being my secretary, which would make her the Secretary’s secretary. We have put our plans on hold for the time being but remain hopeful, as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that the position become available again quite quickly. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about British politics, it’s that you cannot afford to blink.

Tomorrow I am overseeing some work in the garden which may involve the use of seeds. I am on standby to do any watering that may be required.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

226. A Remarkable Recovery – by Monty

Fear not people. I have made a miraculous recovery. This is to be expected given my thoroughbred, Irish lineage. We are made of steel. The Fairy was particularly impressed with the way I ran through the house upon my return, straight out into the back garden to take care of business. I am not sure if she was impressed with the running, or with the fact that I didn’t do anything inappropriate on the living room floor.

Upon returning to my office, Chicken began a programme of nursing which I am sure was well intentioned. Be that as it may, I still had to ask for help after a couple of hours. There is only so much inane, incessant chatter that one dog can listen to without becoming desperate. Especially in a state of semi-consciousness. I have no idea why, but I had nightmares about horses playing violins made of sausages.

Due to my remarkable recovery, I am now in a position to deal with the most pressing issues facing my unit. These range from phantom cats and dangerous cats, to garden vandalism. I am planning on drawing up some action plans in the near future.

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Feeling like my old self again.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

224. The Unauthorised Musicians Of Bremen – by Monty

I am beginning to think that I am living in a zoo. Enquiries so far have revealed the presence of mice, birds, hedgehogs, cats, ghost cats, foxes, frogs, polar bears and now horses. Not all of these animals have been given clearance so I am having to devote a lot of my time to paperwork at the moment. This suits me, as my foot is once again being somewhat troublesome.

Chicken has put in a request to be at the top of any tower of musicians, as she quite rightly points out that the one at the top is traditionally a rooster. A Chicken, she says, is close enough.

My letter from the House Of Commons turned out to be a communication from a government cat which lives in Downing Street. He has informed me that a suspicious cat had been loitering in his territory and upon being chased off, mentioned that he was heading to my unit.

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A warning from Downing Street 

Apparently, he mentioned me by name and the Downing Street cat felt it prudent to warn me as said cat was deemed to be dangerous as well as suspicious. The letter was originally sent a number of weeks ago and nothing has happened yet, so whilst I will take all necessary precautions, I am not too worried.

I am too busy supervising Chicken’s attempts at balancing on top of small things in preparation for her tower of screaming animals.

Give me strength.

Monty

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223. Oh Ye Of Little Faith – by Chicken

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Horses ….

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… on a residenture estate.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

222. Inner Calm – by Monty

I have told Chicken that she needs to relax a little. She is so springy that she is beginning to see things that are not there. I can perhaps accept that a scruffy cat has been seen, but she is now also insisting that she is being followed by horses. I co-ordinate the night time walks from my office so cannot verify these sightings, but I do not believe for one moment that she is being followed on a residential estate by large horses.

I have heard that yoga is good for relaxation so have recommended the practice to Chicken.

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Downward-facing dog. 

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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