Posts Tagged With: Ugly Cat

146. Press Release 2 – by Chicken


The foxy fox is still all on the estate and the little animals is all still worried because Monty McDonty is not doing any plans with  Ugly Face Cats, because he is not allowed out.

Monty McDonty is sad and annoyed when he doesn’t all go for walks, and he doesn’t all want anyone to know that he is not doing the patrols. He did say it was bad for more arm.

I did say it was bad for his arm as well. BOOM! BOOM!

He is beginnering to mutter to himself and does spend too much time in his office. I did try to keep his more arm up by telling him that I was bestest at catching foxes anyways, so I could all do the job, but this just made him worse.

I does think that he is suffering from cabin fever, but he did say he was not hotty hot, and that he didn’t all live in a cabin. Then he did go to talks to the tomatoes.

By Stand-Still-Chicken 

Public Relations Officer 

The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Fox Watch

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

142. First Meeting Of The Watch – by Monty

The first meeting of The Watch was well attended. I believe Ugly Cat must have informed everyone of the time and venue, as I know that I didn’t say a word. We had the meeting at dusk so that the nocturnal animals could partake.


A mole in the pit

It appears that many of them are afraid that the fox may eat them, and feel that it requires removal from the area. Those present included pigeons, magpies, garden birds, bats, frogs, spiders, a mole which surfaced in my digging pit and – against my advice – the hedgehog.

Chicken displayed a level of wisdom I had not expected, by suggesting that the birds sleep high up out of its reach, and the rest of them hide. The spiders were deemed not to be in too much danger, but chose to stay anyway, out of civic duty.

The hedgehog seems to be the most at risk, so I suggested he employ his arsenal of spikes to protect himself. He then said that I was useless, which prompted a rather severe reaction from Chicken. He was only saved by the quick thinking of The Fairy, who disrupted the meeting, saying it was too late to have friends round to play.

Ugly Cat insisted that the fox needed relocating, to allow the “present system of management to remain in place.” I’ll admit to being a little suspicious of this comment. My military training tells me there is more to the situation than is being discussed openly, a sentiment which I shared with Chicken.

She is now on the Internet, researching conspiracy theories.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

140. Press Release 1 – by Chicken


Monty McDonty and Ugly Face Cats has all made a secret organ eye station called The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Watch. They did do it all in a secret at my house in secret. I is the most importance because I does have to deal with all the peoples and all the wildlife and all the press.

We is going to do plans tonights in the night time and the fox does have to look out and then Monty did not share the roll sausage in a bag. Bum.

It is all secret so nobody is allowed to know what is happening tonight when the wildlife with the hoods is coming to my house to do plans. The end.

By Stand-Still-Chicken 

Public Relations Officer

The Hooded Neighbours Wildlife Fox Animal Watch Hood

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , ,

139. The Wildlife Watch – by Monty

Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.

I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.


The Watch

Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.

Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.

Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

137. Hotty Botty Scary Day – by Chicken


Wet tea-towel competition 

In the last few big days it has been hotty botty hot hot. We did sit near Monty’s fans and do the drinking a lot. Then The Fairy was bored so decidered to dress us up, but she did forget to dry the clothes first so they was all wet and cold. Monty did say he was all happy to wear posh costume-made coats, but wasn’t going to put up with being made to wear a tatty old wet tea-towel. Then he did go into his den under the big table and take it offs, so I did take mine offs as well.

Very early I did see Ugly Cats on the fence so I did go to tells him off. He did say that he had been out all night and it was still too warm for him. Then he did say that he needed to speak to big Monty about a scary key. I did say that Monty wouldn’t all speak to anyone who had been out on the tiles all night, and that he was in his den anyways.

Ugly Cats did say he had not been out having fun on the tiles, but that he had been out doing scary key work. I did tell him he was not allowed to talk to my Monty about scary things because then Monty does get scared.


I don’t care if it’s good for me; I’m not wearing THAT

Then big Arky did comes out and stupid Ugly Cats did turn all fluffy and soft and stupid cutie-pie with his face. Arky did tickle him behind his ears and Ugly Cats did make stupid purry noises. I did tell Arky that I did need my ears rubbing but he didn’t hear me, so I did go to tell Monty.

Monty did say he would ask The Fairy when he got up, but he did have a sneaky suspicion that Arky was a cat person.

Then I did think abouts this and then I dids look at Arky and then I dids think he does have a lots of hair and then I dids think he might turn into cats! So I did use the iPaddy and did finds out that some people are half people and half wolf and then I dids go to gets into Monty’s den.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

135. The Return Of Ugly Cat – by Monty

Yesterday morning, Chicken launched herself into the garden without doing a pre-launch safety assessment. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: you can’t just go out into the garden without checking that the coast is clear. If you don’t look before you leap, you are bound to be taken off guard.


Unraveling a ball of string event 

On this particular occasion, Chicken was stunned to find Ugly Cat sitting on the wall of my digging pit. She was so surprised, that she ran around in circles, shrieking hysterically in shock. This was fortunate for Ugly Cat, who was able to jump to safety on the fence without too much difficulty. Chicken then came to her senses and tried to reach the cat by jumping at the fence, until I firmly reminded her of her promise to be nicer to Ugly Cat.

To her credit, she did then welcome him back before chattering on about our Independent Olympics. Ugly Cat seemed very interested, and regaled us with stories of his own athletic ability. Apparently, he had been a champion tree climber in his youth, and could not be beaten in any activity which involved a ball. Of string.

Chicken then took off in search of a ball of string, whilst I spoke to Ugly Cat about his absence. It turned out that his unit had gone abroad on holiday, and that Ugly Cat had been put into kennels after flatly refusing to get on the plane. I congratulated him on his decision, citing extreme heat as a good reason for not going, which he agreed with.

He then said that he would be willing to judge a ball of string unraveling competition, as part of our Independent Olympic Games. Chicken re-appeared at this moment, with a ball of string which she had stolen from Arky-Ollie-Just. After a brief explanation of the rules, we set about unraveling it.

Chicken wrapped it around my digging pit a couple of times, before I took over and did the same. It was one of the most enjoyable events of the whole Games, which we both received a gold medal for, as Ugly Cat said he couldn’t separate us with the scoring.

I did feel it necessary to speak to The Fairy about the state of the athletics field, which is deteriorating rapidly. She said that the only way to improve it was to ban all competitors from going on it, so I withdrew my complaint and beat a hasty retreat before she had time to put the ban in place.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

128. The Oil Limpets – by Chicken

Monty donty has all taken the remoty control for the tellybox, because he did say that he needed to watch the oil limpets. He did say everyone in the whole big world is watchering the oil limpets, so I did say everyone in the whole big world would be bored silly because oil limpets doesn’t even move a lot ever.


The oil limpets

Monty told me that I was all wrong, and the limpets were very exciting on the tellybox. I did say if the limpets really is so exciting, why doesn’t he go to the big ocean and see the real things? He did say that he didn’t wants to fly that far. I did all not know that big Monty could do the flying, so now I does love him even more.

I did decide to tell Ugly Cats that Monty could fly, but then I did the thinking and did realise that Ugly Cats does not come to see me anymore. Then I was sad. Monty did tell me nots to worry, because cats does sometimes disappear for a few bits of times, and then they does come backs again. But he did also say that maybe Ugly Cats was staying away because he was fed up with me being rude to him.

So I did say that I would all be nicer and kindly friendly to Ugly Cats when he does the coming back. Monty did then gibber on about pigs flying, and I did say watching pigs flying was more interesting than watching limpets doing not much moving, so I did go out into the garden to wait for Ugly Cats and the flying piggies.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

125. Hippo Birdy To Us – by Chicken


Going out in my car on our birthmonth 

Not before a long time ago a few days ago, I did have a big birthday to say I was eight years old and more older than Monty.  Then all of a suddenly, Monty’s birthday did happen and he is also eight now but he is still youngerer than me, so I win.

I does have a proper birthday but Monty says his is a secret secret, so he just says he is born on the August first day. He did say that racing greyhounds sometimes just has a month as a birthday and not always a special day date. So then I did say we can have a birthmonth insteads of a birthday, and then we can all have 31 presents and not just one. Monty did say this was a goody idea, and my birthmonth is July and his birthmonth is August so office alley we should all get 62 presents altogether.

Our big present is the sloth pit which is called a digging pit. I does go in it and then Monty doesn’t go in it because he is scaredy pants. I does big digging all the time and I loves it. It did take a long time to build it and put sand in it and now the sand is all mixed up with the mud and it is all getting deeper.

Monty did say that he was going to make a list of the other 61 presents that he wants, so I did say this was a goody best idea and I would all do the same.


A new lead; a chemistry set; 59 rump steaks.


Two new leads; two chemical sets; 118 rumpy steaks; a real life fluffy bunny rabbit which I will look after and play with but not eat it; a bikini for my holidays; a full bag of rotty rotten fish heads to throw at Ugly Cats; some roller blades; 26 roll sausages in a bag which I is not sharing with Monty; driving lessons.

My list is betterer than his list.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

123. Car Sharing Has Its Limitations – by Monty

The sun has decided to take a more leisurely approach to the day, which I am very pleased about. I was able to conduct my early morning check of the perimeter fence in comfort, and anticipate going out on patrol when I want to, as opposed to waiting until such time as I won’t melt.

Ugly Cat was on the shed next door and struck up a conversation when I had finished my security patrol. Flushed with success at having discovered the site of the proposed mini-fracking, he suggested that the F.A.R.T. attend a demonstration against it, which is going to take place in the next village. He informed me that he could lead us to the demonstration, but that it would take over an hour to walk to, so requested a lift in the car.

Firstly, I reminded him that he had not yet received official notification that he had been accepted into the F.A.R.T., and secondly, that Chicken would be in the car if such a protest were to be attended. He said he would be able to control Chicken, and I said that Chicken couldn’t control herself, and that I’d hate to be present when somebody else tried to. Particularly if that somebody else was a cat, and the location was the interior of a car.

I intend to call a meeting of the F.A.R.T. to discuss the issue of protesting, and Ugly Cat’s request for membership. I mentioned both these points to Chicken, with the exception of Ugly Cat’s proposed membership. For security reasons. Obviously. Not just because I want a quiet life. Which I do.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

116. Genius Is My Name – by Monty

I sometimes frighten myself with my ability to be correct about everything. It is a burden I have to bear. My meeting with Ugly Cat was very enlightening and has changed my opinion of him. It turns out that he is not just a fluff ball with claws, and he has been able to find out that there is indeed illegal fracking taking place extremely close to my unit.

Now let us not quibble about the details. The fracking might be mini, it may not have started yet, it may not be causing any earthquakes of any description, and it may not technically be illegal, but I WAS RIGHT just the same. My greyhound-sense rivals that of Spider-Man. Call it what you will – and I favour the word genius – but I am obviously capable of predicting the future. With this skill comes great responsibility.


Only the grouting left to do

Luckily, the patio is nearly finished which will protect the garden somewhat, so I now have a smaller area to guard. Pete Who Can Build Anything turned out to be very receptive to my suggestions, and patiently re-did the sections that I inspected with my feet. Once the job is finished, and the garden has been tidied up to the point that it no longer resembles a reclamation yard, I can restart my Mudhead Project.

Along with my new job as Leader of the Opposition, I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks.



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

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