Posts Tagged With: Ugly Cat

137. Hotty Botty Scary Day – by Chicken


Wet tea-towel competition 

In the last few big days it has been hotty botty hot hot. We did sit near Monty’s fans and do the drinking a lot. Then The Fairy was bored so decidered to dress us up, but she did forget to dry the clothes first so they was all wet and cold. Monty did say he was all happy to wear posh costume-made coats, but wasn’t going to put up with being made to wear a tatty old wet tea-towel. Then he did go into his den under the big table and take it offs, so I did take mine offs as well.

Very early I did see Ugly Cats on the fence so I did go to tells him off. He did say that he had been out all night and it was still too warm for him. Then he did say that he needed to speak to big Monty about a scary key. I did say that Monty wouldn’t all speak to anyone who had been out on the tiles all night, and that he was in his den anyways.

Ugly Cats did say he had not been out having fun on the tiles, but that he had been out doing scary key work. I did tell him he was not allowed to talk to my Monty about scary things because then Monty does get scared.


I don’t care if it’s good for me; I’m not wearing THAT

Then big Arky did comes out and stupid Ugly Cats did turn all fluffy and soft and stupid cutie-pie with his face. Arky did tickle him behind his ears and Ugly Cats did make stupid purry noises. I did tell Arky that I did need my ears rubbing but he didn’t hear me, so I did go to tell Monty.

Monty did say he would ask The Fairy when he got up, but he did have a sneaky suspicion that Arky was a cat person.

Then I did think abouts this and then I dids look at Arky and then I dids think he does have a lots of hair and then I dids think he might turn into cats! So I did use the iPaddy and did finds out that some people are half people and half wolf and then I dids go to gets into Monty’s den.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

135. The Return Of Ugly Cat – by Monty

Yesterday morning, Chicken launched herself into the garden without doing a pre-launch safety assessment. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: you can’t just go out into the garden without checking that the coast is clear. If you don’t look before you leap, you are bound to be taken off guard.


Unraveling a ball of string event 

On this particular occasion, Chicken was stunned to find Ugly Cat sitting on the wall of my digging pit. She was so surprised, that she ran around in circles, shrieking hysterically in shock. This was fortunate for Ugly Cat, who was able to jump to safety on the fence without too much difficulty. Chicken then came to her senses and tried to reach the cat by jumping at the fence, until I firmly reminded her of her promise to be nicer to Ugly Cat.

To her credit, she did then welcome him back before chattering on about our Independent Olympics. Ugly Cat seemed very interested, and regaled us with stories of his own athletic ability. Apparently, he had been a champion tree climber in his youth, and could not be beaten in any activity which involved a ball. Of string.

Chicken then took off in search of a ball of string, whilst I spoke to Ugly Cat about his absence. It turned out that his unit had gone abroad on holiday, and that Ugly Cat had been put into kennels after flatly refusing to get on the plane. I congratulated him on his decision, citing extreme heat as a good reason for not going, which he agreed with.

He then said that he would be willing to judge a ball of string unraveling competition, as part of our Independent Olympic Games. Chicken re-appeared at this moment, with a ball of string which she had stolen from Arky-Ollie-Just. After a brief explanation of the rules, we set about unraveling it.

Chicken wrapped it around my digging pit a couple of times, before I took over and did the same. It was one of the most enjoyable events of the whole Games, which we both received a gold medal for, as Ugly Cat said he couldn’t separate us with the scoring.

I did feel it necessary to speak to The Fairy about the state of the athletics field, which is deteriorating rapidly. She said that the only way to improve it was to ban all competitors from going on it, so I withdrew my complaint and beat a hasty retreat before she had time to put the ban in place.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

128. The Oil Limpets – by Chicken

Monty donty has all taken the remoty control for the tellybox, because he did say that he needed to watch the oil limpets. He did say everyone in the whole big world is watchering the oil limpets, so I did say everyone in the whole big world would be bored silly because oil limpets doesn’t even move a lot ever.


The oil limpets

Monty told me that I was all wrong, and the limpets were very exciting on the tellybox. I did say if the limpets really is so exciting, why doesn’t he go to the big ocean and see the real things? He did say that he didn’t wants to fly that far. I did all not know that big Monty could do the flying, so now I does love him even more.

I did decide to tell Ugly Cats that Monty could fly, but then I did the thinking and did realise that Ugly Cats does not come to see me anymore. Then I was sad. Monty did tell me nots to worry, because cats does sometimes disappear for a few bits of times, and then they does come backs again. But he did also say that maybe Ugly Cats was staying away because he was fed up with me being rude to him.

So I did say that I would all be nicer and kindly friendly to Ugly Cats when he does the coming back. Monty did then gibber on about pigs flying, and I did say watching pigs flying was more interesting than watching limpets doing not much moving, so I did go out into the garden to wait for Ugly Cats and the flying piggies.

Chicken xxx

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125. Hippo Birdy To Us – by Chicken


Going out in my car on our birthmonth 

Not before a long time ago a few days ago, I did have a big birthday to say I was eight years old and more older than Monty.  Then all of a suddenly, Monty’s birthday did happen and he is also eight now but he is still youngerer than me, so I win.

I does have a proper birthday but Monty says his is a secret secret, so he just says he is born on the August first day. He did say that racing greyhounds sometimes just has a month as a birthday and not always a special day date. So then I did say we can have a birthmonth insteads of a birthday, and then we can all have 31 presents and not just one. Monty did say this was a goody idea, and my birthmonth is July and his birthmonth is August so office alley we should all get 62 presents altogether.

Our big present is the sloth pit which is called a digging pit. I does go in it and then Monty doesn’t go in it because he is scaredy pants. I does big digging all the time and I loves it. It did take a long time to build it and put sand in it and now the sand is all mixed up with the mud and it is all getting deeper.

Monty did say that he was going to make a list of the other 61 presents that he wants, so I did say this was a goody best idea and I would all do the same.


A new lead; a chemistry set; 59 rump steaks.


Two new leads; two chemical sets; 118 rumpy steaks; a real life fluffy bunny rabbit which I will look after and play with but not eat it; a bikini for my holidays; a full bag of rotty rotten fish heads to throw at Ugly Cats; some roller blades; 26 roll sausages in a bag which I is not sharing with Monty; driving lessons.

My list is betterer than his list.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

123. Car Sharing Has Its Limitations – by Monty

The sun has decided to take a more leisurely approach to the day, which I am very pleased about. I was able to conduct my early morning check of the perimeter fence in comfort, and anticipate going out on patrol when I want to, as opposed to waiting until such time as I won’t melt.

Ugly Cat was on the shed next door and struck up a conversation when I had finished my security patrol. Flushed with success at having discovered the site of the proposed mini-fracking, he suggested that the F.A.R.T. attend a demonstration against it, which is going to take place in the next village. He informed me that he could lead us to the demonstration, but that it would take over an hour to walk to, so requested a lift in the car.

Firstly, I reminded him that he had not yet received official notification that he had been accepted into the F.A.R.T., and secondly, that Chicken would be in the car if such a protest were to be attended. He said he would be able to control Chicken, and I said that Chicken couldn’t control herself, and that I’d hate to be present when somebody else tried to. Particularly if that somebody else was a cat, and the location was the interior of a car.

I intend to call a meeting of the F.A.R.T. to discuss the issue of protesting, and Ugly Cat’s request for membership. I mentioned both these points to Chicken, with the exception of Ugly Cat’s proposed membership. For security reasons. Obviously. Not just because I want a quiet life. Which I do.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

116. Genius Is My Name – by Monty

I sometimes frighten myself with my ability to be correct about everything. It is a burden I have to bear. My meeting with Ugly Cat was very enlightening and has changed my opinion of him. It turns out that he is not just a fluff ball with claws, and he has been able to find out that there is indeed illegal fracking taking place extremely close to my unit.

Now let us not quibble about the details. The fracking might be mini, it may not have started yet, it may not be causing any earthquakes of any description, and it may not technically be illegal, but I WAS RIGHT just the same. My greyhound-sense rivals that of Spider-Man. Call it what you will – and I favour the word genius – but I am obviously capable of predicting the future. With this skill comes great responsibility.


Only the grouting left to do

Luckily, the patio is nearly finished which will protect the garden somewhat, so I now have a smaller area to guard. Pete Who Can Build Anything turned out to be very receptive to my suggestions, and patiently re-did the sections that I inspected with my feet. Once the job is finished, and the garden has been tidied up to the point that it no longer resembles a reclamation yard, I can restart my Mudhead Project.

Along with my new job as Leader of the Opposition, I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks.



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

115. Do British Politicians Move Faster Than Greyhounds? – by Monty

I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.

If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.


Sausage dinner every day

My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.

My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.

I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

114. My Biggerer Big Eye – by Chicken

My big eye did get a bit better and then it did get a bit biggerer again so I did have to go back to the vetty vet to get some biggerer medicine. It is now getting all better so I is nearly not sick anymore. Which is good news because now I has to look after Monty donty because he has got a poorly tummy.


Poorly Monty sulking

My toy was playing all by its alone on the settee, so I did jump up to get it. Then I did see Monty underneath my toy and I did land all big heavy on his tummy accidentally on accident. He did screaming all loud and I did jump away all quickly. Monty did snapping and snarling because his tummy was bleeding but I did get out the way before he could get me so everything is all OK. The Fairy did fuss over him so I did have to tell her to do the remembering about my big eye.

Ugly Cats wanted to know what was going on in my garden but I did tell him that he wasn’t allowed to know that we is having a patty built because it is not his business and he is nosey. He said he needed to speak to Monty but I did say I couldn’t all go to get him because Monty wasn’t all speaking to me. He said I had to tells Monty that he had found the ill eagle fracking and would take us to see it.


My new patty being started

Monty was working with Pete Who Can Build Anything and was inspecting the patty trench. I did tell him that Ugly Cat said he would bring the ill eagle frackers to us, and Monty did get all mad. He did say that he doesn’t want his new patty being comp promised, so he is all going to arrest Ugly Cats. I did say we could eats him, but Monty said we need to squeeze him for information. I is all excited about squeezing the cats!


Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

111. Swollen Eye Chicken – by Monty


Swollen eye Chicken

I have been occupied taking care of Chicken for the last few days, as she has an eye the size of a golf ball. We are not sure what has happened, but her teeth and ears seem to be fine. Her right eye is so swollen that it is nearly closed. The vet has prescribed antibiotic eye drops, metacam and a lot of TLC. I am taking my responsibility seriously, and being extra kind to her. I will be taking her back to the vet if her eye is not better in a couple of days. It does not appear to have affected her appetite, so we are hoping this means there is no hidden infection in the roots of her teeth. Time will tell.


Ugly Cat has re-appeared and has expressed an interest in our sloth enclosure. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay out of it. He told me that he would lead me to the field where he believes the illegal fracking to be taking place, in exchange for some play time in the sloth enclosure. I informed him that I could not guarantee his safety, and that I feel confident that I could locate said fracking site myself anyway. He said he would give me some time to think about his offer of help, and disappeared over the neighbour’s fence.


Work in progress 

More work is taking place in the garden, and the rabbit has escaped but has made no attempt to leave the area.

It really is the world’s most boring rabbit.



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

106. The Big Day – by Monty

Yesterday, work started on the garden.


Job 1

Job 1  Fill in the holes.









Job 2 



Job 2  Empty the holes to check whether they had been filled correctly in the first place. (They had.)




Job 3  Move the wood from one part of the garden to another.

I can’t work out whether The Fairy has actually built something, or whether she’s just made the effort to pile the wood up neatly. When I asked her she said it was a surprise. Ugly Cat said it was a raised bed, but Chicken said he was an idiot because a raised bed is known as a settee, and is always in the living room. The Fairy said it was not for plants, which leads me to believe it is a containment area for some kind of animal.


Job 3: Sloth enclosure?

We already have a rabbit, albeit an elusive one, and now I fear I am being asked to accommodate yet more wildlife. Chicken is hoping it will be a kangaroo so they can have jumpy jumping competitions, but I said a kangaroo could easily jump out of the structure, thus rendering it useless. It is more likely to be an animal that cannot jump, such as a sloth. Chicken said a sloth would be boring, but I said it would be a nice change from a hyperactive frog. She then went off to look for said frog, having totally misunderstood the meaning of my words.






We are all going off to vote soon. I have decided to attend to mark the importance of the event, despite the fact that I have been discriminated against vis-a-vis eligibility to vote. I may or may not register my disgust at this situation. I don’t ordinarily take part in demonstrations, but there is an outside chance that I will wee in the hut by way of protest.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

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