252. Britain Beats Every Other Country In The World – by Monty

Britain has won the Global Voting Competition, coming first in almost every category including: Most Frequent VotingBest Excuse For Voting; Worst Excuse For VotingMost Meaningless Vote, and Greatest Number Of Repeated Votes For Exactly The Same Thing. It was also awarded the Country Most Likely To Have Another Vote Before The End Of The Day trophy.

We are all feeling very proud.

We recently spent the day with Sister at Grandma and Grandad’s house, as I am supervising the building of a new pond. It dawned on me that whilst we see Sister, we no longer visit her house. I was perplexed by this, so surreptitiously sent Chicken to mingle with them to see if she could glean some information regarding this matter.

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Who wouldn’t eat the crumble?

I will not pretend that I understood everything that Chicken said, but she appeared to be reporting that Sister always has a fruit crumble in her house, and The Fairy is worried – quite rightly, I concede – that Chicken and I would eat it.

I have called a meeting with The Fairy to clarify some of the finer points. Sister is always so kind to us, that I find it difficult to believe she would object to us eating the crumble. If need be, we will have a vote to settle the issue of visiting Sister’s house.

Monty

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251. Hopping Monty – by Chicken

We did go for a walks and when we did go passed the house that doesn’t all cut the grass, we did see loads of hoppy hop grasshoppers. One did hop onto my Monty’s back and Monty did takes it for a long walk around the block. The Fairy did worry that it would be lost and lonely and I did say it was its own fault.

Then The Fairy did say she was all going to do work on the Mud Head and Monty was so hoppy happy that he did start hopping around the garden.

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My Monty keeping me safety safe

Then the Your Rope rubbish did gets worse and Monty did get hopping mad with it all and we did all ignore him. He is working on a plan.

The Fairy did move the patty chairs to the side of the patty near the fence and Ugly Cats and Kitten did use them to come into my garden and look at me all mean. I did tell Monty that they was being mean to me and he did stay next to me to all keeps me safe.

Chicken

 

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250. Stop Making A Meal Of It – by Monty

 

I’m sure that, like me, you are riveted to the ongoing Brexit negotiations. Chicken’s interest is now waning after an initially enthusiastic start. I can see her point. They are making it out to be a lot more complicated than it is. As far as I can see, we have three options.

1. Forget the whole thing, remain part of Europe whilst quietly dispensing with the whole silly democracy thing, and go about our daily lives with renewed energy.

2. Leave Europe but remain close by and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested settling the country just off the coast of Norway.

3. Leave Europe, put a large distance between us and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested moving closer to Panama where some of our tax revenue is held in off-shore accounts, but has recently changed her mind when she realised there would be many more 35 degree days.

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All round English hero

 

That’s it. That’s all there is to it and I really believe they should stop making a meal of it. If a meal is going to be made; let it be of steak and cake. Possibly also sausages and ice cream.

The Fairy and Chicken are both making plans to marry Ben Stokes, all round English hero. Yet again, I fail to see the attraction.

Two legs.

He’s only got TWO LEGS.

 

Monty The Great

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249. Build It And They Will Come – by Monty

Chicken has opened a GoFundMe account to help someone who is short of clothing. She has suggested that everyone who is willing to contribute should send some suspenders to a person called Doris. I suggested other clothing might also be appreciated, but she said it was only suspenders that were required. It warms my heart to see her being so kind to the less fortunate.

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Initial construction

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Helping with the digging

On the home front, great progress has been made in my garden. I had to put in a written complaint due to the inactivity of The Fairy which seems to have done the trick. She recently installed a luxury toilet for myself, which has unfortunately been hijacked by EVEN MORE WILDLIFE. It is almost as if she expected the wildlife to visit, as demonstrated by her building a stone escape structure for the hedgehogs. Does she really expect me to share my toilet facilities? She also made a serious error with regards groundcover, which I had to protest against, through the medium of wee. There is no place in my bathroom for gravel. Not with my sensitive feet. It makes no sense.

They came …

Monty

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248. Constitutional Crisis Amid Clothes Shortage – by Chicken

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No suspenders available due to Brexit

Monty did say that Doris Bohnson has asked for some suspenders. I did go to look in the wardrobe but The Fairy did say that they would not fits her anymore so they would definitely not fits Doris. He does need to finds a different way to stops himself being embarrassed because there is all no suspenders in Britain because of Brexit. Nobody does want to see his pants.

The stupid kitten with Ugly Cats does keep coming in my garden. My garden is getting beautiful because me and The Fairy is doing work and the stupid kitten does keep coming to looks. Lots of lots of animals does come to look and I does have a new friend called Parsley who is my friend he is shy.

Monty did say it was all time to do my garden because it is a long time since we has no Mud Head. He does still wants his Mud Head.

Chicken xxx

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247. Big Wind – by Monty

Big wind?

Don’t make me laugh.

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Forecast: Greyhound owners expect big wind. Every day. 

Monty

 

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246. Laurel And Hardy – by Chicken

Today this morning I did gets a holiday postcard from Willy Tick. He is in Grimsby.

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Ice ice cake in my water bowl 

Monty donty bum bum did tell me that we does have a new Prime Ministers called Doris Bohnson. I does not care because I is too busy being hot. The Fairy did make me a ice ice cake in my water bowl but it did disappear and I did know it was Monty who did eating my cake so I did kick him in the head.

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Laurel and Hardy 

Laurel and Hardy the two pigeons does keep coming for water and food. Monty is complaining but I does like them because they do making me laugh. I did also see stupid Ugly Cats the other day yesterday and he did have a stupid other cats with him who was skinny and little and stupid and they did look at me all mean.

Monty did say that they wouldn’t dare come into my garden and he would keep me safety safe, so he is my big hero.

Chicken xxx

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245. Wildlife, Wildlife Everywhere, Nor Any Brain In Sight – by Monty

Over the last few months I have struggled to keep on top of the invading wildlife. Some incidents have been more serious than others, though none more outrageous than the Brainless Bird Incident of June 2019. 

For whatever reason, there is a hole in a brick on the outside wall and a starling built a nest in the cavity. It threw out a large amount of insulation and set up shop. When the birdlets hatched, we could hear them through the living room wall.

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Criminal damage

One evening, The Fairy said she could hear a bird in the downstairs toilet facility. She persisted with this notion and a few hours later, determined to smash open the toilet ceiling with a hammer. Luckily, the only tool on hand was a screwdriver so she decided to open the ceiling fan instead because that was where the noise was the loudest.

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Criminals

To my surprise, she reached in and extracted two very noisy birds. The Fairy put them in a box and rang the emergency vet who didn’t mind at all that he had been called in the middle of the night. The mother bird hadn’t been seen since dinner time and the birdlets didn’t have any wing feathers. The Fairy thought that if she pushed them back into the hole in the wall they would just make their way to the toilet again. She decided to take care of them overnight. About an hour later, she found another one looking out of the fan! The following day the birds went off to the wonderful Rase Vets.

 

 

 

 

Which leaves us with this question: What kind of brainless animal purposely tries to break into a toilet?

I rang The Station with regards to having them arrested for Breaking and Entering and Criminal Damage. PC Dave said that unfortunately there’s no law against being stupid.

Naturally, he was referring to the birdlets and not to myself.

Monty

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244. Celebrated Greyhound Injured In Ladder Fall – by Monty

The first night of living our new nocturnal lifestyle has ended in carnage.

We began the evening with high hopes and a spate of congratulatory statements about our excellent plan. Not long into the experiment however, the heavens conspired against us and a wealth of thunder, lightning and heavy rain descended.

After one unnecessarily loud clap of thunder, I made my way carefully though purposefully towards my office where I had left some important paperwork which needed attending to. On the way there, I caught the wire of the fan and dragged it three foot along the carpet. In an effort to get out of the way, I tripped on the vacuum cleaner (why is it even there; it’s never used) and banged into a set of step ladders which came down with enough noise to drown out the thunder.

At this point I decided to abandon my foray into nocturnal living and went into the hallway for some peace and quiet and perchance to sleep.

When I awoke this morning I found that we have a new Prime Minister in the shape and form of Boris Johnson.

It is entirely possible that I have concussion.

Monty

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243. All Hail The Hedgehog – by Monty

 

My views on wildlife are well known. There is a time and a place, but that time is never and the place is not my garden. I am at odds here with The Fairy, who actively encourages it.

It will come as a surprise then, to hear me praising the hedgehog. There are quite a few who invade my territory on a nightly basis, bringing fleas and …… other things. Last night I was out late and had occasion to strike up a conversation with one such visitor. We passed the time of day and in keeping with tradition, discussed the weather.

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Cleverly nocturnal 

It turns out that hedgehogs have an excellent technique for dealing with the heat of summer. They are nocturnal. Simple yet effective. I have been reliably informed that the only reasons hedgehogs come out in the day is if they are hungry, thirsty or ill. If you see one out in the daytime over the next few days, it will probably be thirsty and very appreciative of a bowl of fresh water.

I informed The Fairy who has placed additional bowls of fresh water around the garden. I also informed Chicken that for the next week at least, we are going to adopt the most excellent hedgehog strategy of sleeping during the boiling hot day and waking during the night.

Yes people – we are going nocturnal. All hail the hedgehog.

Monty

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