Fear not people. I have made a miraculous recovery. This is to be expected given my thoroughbred, Irish lineage. We are made of steel. The Fairy was particularly impressed with the way I ran through the house upon my return, straight out into the back garden to take care of business. I am not sure if she was impressed with the running, or with the fact that I didn’t do anything inappropriate on the living room floor.
Upon returning to my office, Chicken began a programme of nursing which I am sure was well intentioned. Be that as it may, I still had to ask for help after a couple of hours. There is only so much inane, incessant chatter that one dog can listen to without becoming desperate. Especially in a state of semi-consciousness. I have no idea why, but I had nightmares about horses playing violins made of sausages.
Due to my remarkable recovery, I am now in a position to deal with the most pressing issues facing my unit. These range from phantom cats and dangerous cats, to garden vandalism. I am planning on drawing up some action plans in the near future.
Feeling like my old self again.
Big Foot with dog biscuit crumbs
In the morning the other day morning Monty did say he was feeling poorly foot and I did look at it and his poorly foot was twice as big as his not bigger other foot. I did call him Big Foot and he did say Big Foot was not real and my Ghost Cat was not real and I dids shouting but Big Foot Monty was too painful to answer. So I dids show him the writing from the internetty and the man had film of the ghost cat.
So I win.
Peoples has all seen one.
Poor Monty Big Foot
I did go to tell The Fairy that Monty was Big Foot and Monty did get mad because then he dids have to go to the vets. Everybody was all worried and I was sad for my poorly Big Foot Monty.
The vet did fix his big foot and he did have the fur shaved off and he does look silly. I did missing him when he was at the vetty vet.
When he did coming home he was sleepy sleepy so I did cheer him all ups by telling him a bedtime story called The Bremen Musicians And The Tower With The Sausage Tower. It did take two hours to tell it all properly.
I am beginning to think that I am living in a zoo. Enquiries so far have revealed the presence of mice, birds, hedgehogs, cats, ghost cats, foxes, frogs, polar bears and now horses. Not all of these animals have been given clearance so I am having to devote a lot of my time to paperwork at the moment. This suits me, as my foot is once again being somewhat troublesome.
Chicken has put in a request to be at the top of any tower of musicians, as she quite rightly points out that the one at the top is traditionally a rooster. A Chicken, she says, is close enough.
My letter from the House Of Commons turned out to be a communication from a government cat which lives in Downing Street. He has informed me that a suspicious cat had been loitering in his territory and upon being chased off, mentioned that he was heading to my unit.
A warning from Downing Street
Apparently, he mentioned me by name and the Downing Street cat felt it prudent to warn me as said cat was deemed to be dangerous as well as suspicious. The letter was originally sent a number of weeks ago and nothing has happened yet, so whilst I will take all necessary precautions, I am not too worried.
I am too busy supervising Chicken’s attempts at balancing on top of small things in preparation for her tower of screaming animals.
Give me strength.
I have told Chicken that she needs to relax a little. She is so springy that she is beginning to see things that are not there. I can perhaps accept that a scruffy cat has been seen, but she is now also insisting that she is being followed by horses. I co-ordinate the night time walks from my office so cannot verify these sightings, but I do not believe for one moment that she is being followed on a residential estate by large horses.
I have heard that yoga is good for relaxation so have recommended the practice to Chicken.
BOOM! BOOM! I is back!
Monty did all not give me a Valen card so I did get sad and kick him in the head. Then I did complain and complain and I did go to tell The Fairy. She did say that sometimes people did forgetting and not to be too mad so I did only kick him in the head another one time.
Being extra pretty.
Then big Monty did say he would make me a special pretty flowers in my garden just for me in summer and he did say the flowers would be as pretty as me so I am all being extra pretty so I does get the best pretty summer flowers. He is my lovely Monty and he did forget my Valen card.
When I does go out in the outside to do walking I does always see a ghosty ghost cats. Monty did say I has to be careful my big image nation doesn’t all run away but the ghost cats doesn’t run away it is all still there. It is looking all skeleton and dirty and it does following me but it is all not as big as the big horses that do following me as well.
I is starving.
In the lead as usual.
I sincerely apologise for neglecting my communication duties. I do hope that everyone is well. The thing is, I have only just regained consciousness after forgetting to send Chicken a Valentine’s Day card. We have decided unanimously never to speak of it again.
I feel a quick update of events is in order. Firstly, I received a letter from The House Of Commons. I have returned it unopened as it was incorrectly addressed simply to Monty. If the government wants my advice about something they can use my official title of Monty The Great.
Secondly, Chicken is convinced that she is being stalked by a ghost cat. I rang PC Dave at the Station to ask if there had been any other reports of said ghost cat, to which he replied in the negative. He has promised to keep his eye out for anything suspicious.
Thirdly, we are still caught in the nightmare that is the diet.
Lastly, I have called a meeting to discuss the refurbishment of my garden. I have big plans for this year with regards vegetables. Work will begin as soon as this snow has cleared. Until then, Chicken and I will make the most of it.
Monty The Great
Dear Mr Lovely Rudolf,
I is very very really sorry for being rudy rude to you last year. You is a lovely reindeer and everybody loves you and very sorry.
From Chicken xxx
Merrily Christmas, Rudolf!
Then I did do an apology to stupid Rudolf because Monty donty did sticking up for me with the mean polar bear. He did say that the polar bear was all staring at me because he thinks I is so pretty and I does know this is true. Monty did also say I will gets loads of a lot of presents and I does think one of them will be a puinnea gig and I will play with it and look after it but not eats it.
Monty did say I hads to be a good girl and I did say that I will be a good girl and I didn’t say that I all wouldn’t do anything or nots do anything in extra change for my sorry letter and I dids tell Monty that he is my favourite and I does think he is all great and I did never think of anything to do to make him embarrassed because I is a good girl.
The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.
Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.
I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.
1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.
2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.
Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.
No thanks necessary.
‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.
Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.
Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.
Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.
Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.