Monthly Archives: February 2016

38. Poorly Chicken – by Monty

Yesterday, poor Little Chicken banged her tail so hard on the door that the end of it started to bleed. She didn’t seem to feel any pain though, and continued to wag away with full force. The whole house was sprayed with blood within minutes.

The Fairy took care of her, settled her down and then proceeded to wipe away all the blood. At least, she tried. Grandma was here and she also spent a long time wiping walls but it was a mammoth task. Then just after they’d finished wiping everything, Chicken got excited again about going out and banged her tail so it started to bleed a second time!


Poorly Chicken 

Everybody was worried about her and they tried to bandage the end of her tail but she just wagged everything off. Her tail is very sleek and thin, but I believe it is made of steel. I have been on the receiving end of it many times, either across the face or on the bottom. I do not know which hurts most. All our visitors have been dealt the same blows and I have personally seen the bruising on The Fairy’s legs and the red welts on her face.

We thought that she might have been better this morning but no. Once again the wagging sent blood spraying all over the house. We tried to stop it but she’s so happy that it was impossible. Now the whole house looks like a crime scene. The Fairy keeps thinking that she’s cleaned it all but every time she looks, she sees more splatters. I did consider ringing Dave at the station to ask him how to clean up blood, but decided against it.

Poor Chicken is now receiving loads of kisses and cuddles and I am being extra nice to her.

It is St. Valentine’s Day, after all.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

37. First contact with the police – by Monty

First and foremost, I’d like to put it on record that I have the upmost respect for all our men and women who serve in the police force. I have every confidence that they will eventually apprehend those responsible for the illegal fracking, though I fully appreciate that the lack of witnesses and viable evidence may prove problematic.


Awkward conversation 

First contact started a little bit awkwardly, as apparently, 999 is not an appropriate number to dial unless there is immediate danger of some kind. Having ascertained this, I redialed and was connected to an operator at the local station, who put me on to PC Dave from the dog section . The conversation went something like this:

MONTY: I’d like to report some illegal fracking, please.

PC DAVE: Illegal what?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Fracking?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Are you involved in the mining business yourself, sir?

MONTY: No. But I am digging a trench.

PC DAVE: A trench?

MONTY: Yes, a trench.

PC DAVE: What kind of trench?

MONTY: A large one. I anticipate it will run the whole length of the garden.

PC DAVE: And for what purpose are you digging this trench, sir?

MONTY: Does it matter?

PC DAVE: It might. I’m just trying to ascertain your reasons for digging a trench. You’re not planning on using it for any kind of anti-social behaviour are you?

MONTY: How dare you! I’ve never been anti-social in my life.

PC DAVE: There’s no need to become defensive, sir. I’m just conducting basic enquiries. You have to admit, it’s a little unusual to build a trench in a suburban garden.

MONTY: I have my reasons.

PC DAVE: I’m sure you do, sir. Do you also have planning permission?


It was at this point, unfortunately, that the phone failed. I decided against ringing back today. I feel satisfied that I have made an initial enquiry and will speak with PC Dave again in the near future.

I have also determined to re-establish contact with Bob at The Council to chase up my planning application. Not because I am worried about it, I just feel it’s time to conclude business on that front.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

36. Further action needed – by Monty

I have been very successful at keeping the birds out of my garden. The brown bird has only appeared once but there have been two unauthorised fence landings by a rather overweight pigeon, which is worrying. In addition to this, a mouse tried to gain entry under the fence, but soon scarpered when it spotted me.


Information gathering at the local wildlife reserve

I say that I have been very successful, as Chicken is being no help at all. She has gone off at a tangent and is insisting that an ugly cat is targeting her. I have seen no evidence of a cat in my garden, nor do I believe I ever will. The local wildlife has no doubt circulated my photo by now, along with a warning about how formidable I am. I do not anticipate any wildlife related problems at the moment, though I do need to keep my eye on that pigeon.

There is only so much that one dog can do, and I’m in danger of becoming overwhelmed with responsibility. I cannot hold the fort in my back garden at the same time as investigating the illegal fracking, and chasing up the planning permission for my trench. There simply is too much paperwork involved. For this reason, I decided once more to contact Simon at the DECC.

Apparently, his secretary has resigned and left by mutual agreement. I have to say, the office seems to be very efficient, as the new secretary had already been made aware of me, though she used the word ‘warned’ by mistake. She said that Simon was unable to help me unless I had an incident number from the local police. I thanked her for this information and said I would report the illegal fracking to them.

I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

35. Trumping competition – by Chicken

I is all mad because the ugly cats keeps sitting on my fence and looking at me with a mean face. He wants to come into my house but I is saying he is not coming in because he doesn’t like me. All the time I has to look at the fence in case he is coming to plan a plot against me. I tell Monty that the ugly cats wants to steal my toys but Monty cannot see him because he is slow at looking. He is all saying that I am seeing things but I know that ugly cats is clever at being sneaky.


Mirror Monty

Today I was all comfy cosy on my own settee on my own. Then The Fairy did come and sit next to me and then big Monty did sit next to her so I did not have my settee to myself alone anymore. Then smelly Monty did trump and he was smelling so The Fairy did get up and all go to sit somewhere else away from the smell. Then I did learn this was a good idea so I did trump and then Monty did get up and go in his basket and The Fairy did go out the room completely to the food kitchen. Monty was sulking because my trump was better than his. So I win.

Then I did all have my own settee back to myself.

Monty has not noticed my good ICT skills with the iPaddy camera yet, but I think he will be very impressed with how betterer I am at using it.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

34. ICT skills – by Chicken


My second selfie

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

The other day in the morning, a big ugly cats did sit on my fence all on itself. I did think straight away that it was ugly and he did have a look on his face all sneaky. He is trying to get in to steal my toys and I is not letting him. I decideded to get him and I all did ask Monty to help me.

Monty was in a good mood so did come to the slidy door to see. I was telling him about the cats which was stealing my toys and he was then in a bad mood and wanted to get the cats. We did make The Fairy open the slidy door and then we did run out all quickly. On the way to the cats we did see some bread on the floor and did all stop to eat it. I had 23 pieces because I is fast at eating but Monty is slow coach so only had 16 pieces so I win.


Monty Silly Nose

After this I did look all around but the cats was gone away. Monty is such big hero he noticed a little bird and was all worried that the little bird would get catched and eaten by the ugly cat so he did scare it off to save the little birdy’s life. He is so big and strong when he is looking after the little bird so I am marrying  him one day. Monty said he would keep all the birdies safe from now on so the cats can’t get them. He loves all the little birds so does not want them to get catched.


Monty Big Chin

When Monty was snoring I did use the iPaddy to take photos of him. Monty says I am all never allowed to use it because I has no ICT skills but I have been taking good photos of Monty and he is all handsomeness. I think he will be all pleased when he sees how clever I am with taking photos of him.

Today we is visiting Big Rabbit in the pm so I has to make myself look beautiful.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

33. If a monkey can do it ….. – by Chicken


My first selfie! By Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

32. Threat level SEVERE – by Monty

I have been on high alert since dawn and have raised the threat level from substantial to severe. My garden has been classified as a construction site since last Autumn when I first started my trench, and as such is subject to current Health and Safety regulations which means I’m responsible for the safety of anyone who enters it. It has been particularly important to control access to the site recently, due to the instability caused by the illegal fracking.


Guard duty

This morning, I received some intelligence from Chicken, stating that someone was attempting to access the premises. A quick scan of the perimeter fence revealed the perpetrator to be a wild garden bird of average proportions, sporting brown plumage. I estimated the weight of the bird to be not very much, but could also see the potential threat it represented.

My military training had taught me never to underestimate the enemy. Although one single bird would be unlikely to have any impact, 500 could quite easily cause the whole garden to collapse. It is common knowledge that birds of a feather flock together, so it is imperative that I get rid of this bird before it returns with its friends.

Unfortunately, The Fairy is working against me on this one, and for some reason is encouraging their presence by putting out food! She really is impossible at times. Chicken, on the other hand, has really stepped up to the plate and is proving to be an invaluable asset. First response was for us to get rid of the food, which we accomplished pretty quickly. We then ran around barking at the fence, and the bird had the intelligence to fly away.


Restricting access to food sources

I have now retired to my bed to plan my counterattack. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has issued the following advice for anyone whose property is attacked by wild birds:

What you can do without a licence

You must first try to resolve your wild bird problem using standard bird management options. You should try:

1. scaring the birds away using visual (eg scarecrows) or audible devices (including shooting to scare) PRIORITY
2. restricting access to food sources MANAGEABLE
3. stopping birds from roosting or nesting on your buildings or land by putting netting over vulnerable areas INTERESTING
4. managing nearby habitat to make it less attractive to birds N/A
5. maintaining a human presence around the site to deter birds POSSIBLE
6. using physical barriers to keep birds away DEFINITELY

I will draw upon this, and my extensive military experience, to plan my campaign against the local bird population. I will keep you informed of my progress.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

31. Monty in the way, again – by The Fairy

Yesterday I decided to do some housework. I like to do this every few months if I can, as I think it’s important to keep on top of it. Also, it had come to the point where there really was entirely too much garden in the house.

Monty doesn’t like to break with routine, so he gets very stressed when I tidy up and he sulks like a baby. I moved the furniture around at the same time as doing the cleaning, and it didn’t matter where I went – Monty was in the way. He layed himself flat out and refused to move, even when I smacked him repeatedly in the head with the mop.

Poor Chicken is really frightened of the mop and the vacuum cleaner so she didn’t enjoy the cleaning session either. I think it might be best if I don’t do any more housework until summer. For the sake of my dogs, obviously. I’ve never been much of a domestic type, and yesterday was the most boring day I’ve had in a long time.

The only saving grace was the Chicken Standing On Monty Incident. I was trying to pull the dog blanket out of the way but Monty wouldn’t move so I thought, “Have it your own way,” and I threw the blanket over him. He didn’t move; but Chicken did. Pretty quickly actually. Although she’d watched me cover him up, as soon as I had, she forgot he was there and jumped on the blanket. Judging by the scream, I think it’s safe to say she had landed on something important.

There followed much snarling and snapping and generally throwing his weight around, but he couldn’t see what he was doing because he was still stuck under the blanket. In the end he banged his head on the TV and stood stock still, waiting for one of his servants to release him.

The Fairy


Categories: The Fairy, The help

30. Professional integrity – by Arky-Ollie-Just

In the interests of professional credibility, reputation and of acquiring a job in the future, I would like to disassociate myself from Monty’s ludicrous illegal fracking theory. In no way do I support any of his arguments and I have never said anything to him to suggest that I do. Nor have I found any evidence to support his idea.

I do not want to disassociate myself from Monty himself, because as a greyhound I think he’s wonderful. He’s one of the greatest retired racing greyhounds I’ve ever met. But come on, Monty! Illegal fracking?



She’s digging up your garden, mate. Deal with it.


P.S. Put your hand up if you looked up agrostology on the Internet.

A reply from Monty:

‘When a true genius appears in the world, you can know him by this sign; the dunces are all in confederacy against him.’  John Kennedy Toole

Categories: Arky-Ollie-Just, Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

29. Clear evidence of illegal fracking – by Monty

I absolutely knew I was correct. There is, in my professional opinion, indisputable evidence that illegal fracking is taking place in the locality and it is having a direct, detrimental effect on my back garden. I intend to present my evidence to Simon at the DECC as soon as I have compiled a full report.

Although I haven’t felt them myself, there have obviously been quite strong earth tremors occurring. These have been strong enough to cause the football to roll into my trench. I have taken photographs from several different angles as I may need to present them as evidence in court at a letter date.

In addition to this, a new sinkhole has appeared in a different area of the garden and I have serious concerns about the foundations of the house, as it is only about one yard from the outer wall of my bedroom. Chicken was barking some rubbish at me about ownership of the site, so I had to enlighten her to the fact that nobody can claim ownership of a hole as, by definition, there’s nothing there. Ref: Arky-Ollie-Just January 8, 2016. GIC Press. 


Exhibit A


Exhibit B











The last clue suggesting underground disturbance is a lot more subtle, and could have easily been missed by someone less astute than myself. Luckily, I have an interest in, and extensive knowledge of agrostology, which is the scientific study of grasses. When I first moved in, the back garden was covered in thick, healthy grass. In recent times however, the quality and quantity have reduced dramatically and I believe this is due to root damage, caused by underground vibrations. This deterioration began at the same time as the erosion to my trench, which I believe lends credibility to my illegal fracking theory.


Exhibit C


Exhibit D

Interestingly, though of no importance, it also coincides with the arrival of Chicken.

Monty BSc


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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