94. Air Sea Rescue – by Monty

A few days ago I woke up to find a large spider in my water dish. I was angry about this situation for two reasons. One was that I hadn’t given it permission to use my dish as a swimming pool, and the other was the fact that its attempt at the breastroke was a disgrace. I say, learn the correct swimming techniques with an accredited instructor, or don’t do it at all.

I reported this intruder straight away to The Fairy, who was more concerned with the wellbeing of said spider than with its substandard water skills. I suggested ringing the Coastguard who I know have a rescue helicopter at their disposal, but she said this wasn’t necessary. Instead, she took my dish out to the garden and poured out the water, thus halting the drowning process. Not content with nearly losing its life in the dish, the spider then ran straight at Chicken who stood on it. By some miracle it survived and scurried off into the grass.

On the security front, we had a strange encounter with a cat which appeared to have no tail. It said that Ugly Cat had been in a bad mood for weeks, and that it was our fault. Apparently, Chicken’s failure to thank him for his gifts has left him feeling insulted, and he is taking it out on all the other cats on the estate. No Tail said we should make peace with Ugly Cat unless we wanted to make enemies of all the others. I told No Tail that we were not in any way afraid of the local cat population, but that we would apologise to Ugly Cat in the interest of friendship.

Chicken said she didn’t want to apologise to Ugly Cat for not thanking him for his gift, because he was trying to steal her toys and also, the gift was a rotten fish head which she didn’t like. I told her she had to be more grown up about the situation, and she ran off shouting bum, bum, bum.

Monty