Chicken had a fit yesterday because she heard The Fairy say that we were having roast chicken for tea. When I’d managed to calm her down and demand that she speak clearly, she told me that she wasn’t very pleased at the prospect of being eaten. I explained that we were having chicken and not Chicken and that chicken was poultry and Chicken was a dog.

She didn’t seem to know what a chicken was so I took her for a walk past the allotments and we stopped to look at the chickens. It was at this point that she became a little confused, appearing to believe that she was supposed to pick one of the chickens and take it home so The Fairy could cook it. Luckily the coop was fox-proof, and by extension, Chicken-proof.

By which I mean Chicken and not chickens. Although obviously it is chicken-proof, otherwise there wouldn’t have been any chickens in it. They would have been all over the road.

Anyway, suffice it to say she returned to the house in a much better frame of mind, and her happiness and excitement increased in direct correlation with the aroma coming from the oven.

By tea time, she was hysterical again.

Monty

Old Chinese proverb says:

Of a good teacher they will say, “He taught me well.” Of an excellent teacher they will say, “I taught myself.”

A delusional, empty-headed student will say, “I taught my teacher.”

I mention this to help you better understand Chicken’s ramblings. First of all, nearly every single toy in the house in mine. She did not, as she states, teach me not to steal them. I decided quite independently to allow her access to them in the spirit of friendship. I am not now, nor have I ever been, intimidated by her. No.

In addition to this, neither did she teach me to play. I have been capable of playing since my early days and will only play when I choose to. She indicates that she wants to partake in play by barking, and if I feel like it, I join her.

With regards to barking, she really does show a lack of understanding when she says that she taught me. I feel responsible for her ongoing training, being the higher ranking and more intelligent dog in the house. It was for this reason that I undertook to help her develop the ability to project her voice. I assessed her current level of ability by listening carefully for a period of time, before demonstrating the correct way of doing it. It is disappointing that she has interpreted the situation in the way that she has, but not surprising.

Finally, I feel I must address the more personal issue that she mentioned.

Let me be clear: there is no romantic link between us. We are not in a relationship and I do not believe we ever will be. I understand fully how difficult it is to resist me. I am handsome, strong, intelligent, wise and skilled. Others pale into insignificance beside me. But I am also a professional with little time for unnecessary distractions. If I felt in the future that it was the right time to settle down, I would be looking for a partner whose intellect matched mine. Whilst Chicken is incredibly attractive, bubbly and loving, she also has the mind of a two-year-old and the attention span of a goldfish.

I do not wish to cause any offense and I respect Chicken for her individuality, but I must insist that she stops spreading these untrue rumours about the status of our relationship.

I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND. No.

Monty

Smelly Monty, smelly Monty wee-wees on his own foot. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken

Upon rising early, I felt it necessary to perform an inspection of the perimeter fence. On re-entering the property, I discovered that not only had Chicken found the iPad, she had also posted an unauthorized post.

I would like to state very clearly that she has had no formal computer training at all and quite obviously doesn’t know what she is doing. This is a prime example of why children should be supervised at all times whilst using any form of ICT.

I apologise to all my readers and ask that in future you disregard any writings produced by Chicken, and report them to me immediately.

Monty

I is cleverer enough to infiltrate his post and publish a picture of him in bed with no pants on.

BOOM BOOM!

Chicken

I had to put my trench building programme on hold at the beginning of Autumn, due in part to the inclement weather. The real reason my project had to be put on hold however, was the need to secure an archaeological survey before Bob at the Council would process my planning application. It was quite hard finding an archaeologist. We walked across many fields but didn’t come across a single one. Then as luck would have it, one turned up just before Christmas. He agreed to do a full survey of the site in exchange for board and lodging over the Christmas period.

On day one, he had a quick look at the site out the window, and then spent ten days sleeping and eating in my house. I tried to make him feel welcome by taking him for walks every day and I even allowed him to play with me. I don’t normally interact with civilians but found myself becoming quite fond of this one, whose name is Arky-Ollie-Just.

His final assessment came as no surprise to me, as my military training had taught me about all terrains known to man. It is Arky-Ollie-Just’s professional opinion that I can:

“Dig all you want, mate.”

Because:

“There’s nothing there.”

He has written me a full report with words to this effect, which I will present to Bob at the Council next week.

Monty The Great

I’d like to start with an apology for being absent for so long. I’m back now though so no need to worry.

There have been some big changes in The Fairy’s household. Just before Christmas I allowed Chicken to come and live with us. She’s not a chicken. She’s just called Chicken. And she behaves like a headless one.

I decided to play it cool to start with and ignore her. This proved to be quite difficult in practice, as she demanded my full attention ALL THE TIME.

Obviously, I am used to women begging for my company, but this is the first time I have had one literally throwing herself at me. Continuously. While I’m trying to sleep.

Sometimes, it’s really hard being irresistible.

Monty

Bob at the council said I have to have an archaeological survey done before any further work can go ahead.

Have decided to employ one with a beard as they look tougher than the others, and to be honest, could probably do with the work.

Monty

I have had time to assess yesterday’s activities, and feel that a detailed, accurate account is called for.

Weather conditions were not ideal. A howling wind had built up since the beginning of our walk and darkness was beginning to descend. Finding ourselves stranded at the top of Mt Everest was not what we’d expected. Everybody was panicking so I had to take charge.

Immediately issued instructions which The Fairy followed. Think she was relieved to have me in command. Thought it best to have the less confident ones go first, so kept The Fairy in front of me. Did this on purpose to ensure I was always on the higher ground. Better for checking out the terrain and providing guidance.

Wasn’t easy keeping control of them all. Harder still to keep them calm. The Fairy in particular was flapping and approaching the task too quickly. This is her inexperience showing. It took all my strength to slow the whole party down to a safer speed. Fortunately got everyone down in one piece, to everyone’s relief.

Delivered a full de-briefing before allowing the expedition to continue. Had stern words to say to Big Rabbit who had not followed a single one of my instructions, and had instead treated the whole incident like a walk in the park.

Monty