BOOM! BOOM! Chicky chicky bum.
Monty is all wearing pants at Big Rabbit’s house to stop him weeing in the conversationary room! It is all funny and me and Big Rabbit did laugh and laugh. And then we did laugh again and Big Rabbit did laugh and so did I again and Monty doesn’t know because he is all thicky.
BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken xxx
Communication from Monty: It’s a belt.
Arky-Ollie-Just is coming tomorrow so The Fairy has embarked on an emergency cleaning spree. Chicken is helping by laying out every single toy in the house and is currently throwing them about everywhere in an attempt to organise them. I do not hold out much hope for her, seeing as she is incapable of organising her own thoughts, never mind anything else.
For my own part, I’m offering emotional support to both of them from my position on the settee. I did contribute earlier when I brought in some mud from the garden to help guide The Fairy with the vacuum cleaner. I believe she was very pleased to have my assistance.
Whilst out in the garden I did notice some changes to my trench. I’ll admit to being a little confused by this as I know that I haven’t carried out any work on it in the last few days. Arky-Ollie-Just has agreed to survey the site with me tomorrow so will hopefully shed some light on the situation.
Our visit to Big Rabbit’s house went well. I was singled out for special treatment and was the only one to receive a present. I presume this is due to my status and perhaps also in acknowledgement for all the assistance that I provide. I was presented with a beautiful wide belt which was comfortable and also matched my collar. At the risk of sounding boastful, I looked very dashing and believe that I was admired by Big Rabbit and Chicken, who looked on with envy.
Monty
Later today we will be visiting Big Rabbit and The Grandparents. Like most English people, The Fairy has waited until the road conditions are bad before venturing out in her car. Chicken and I love going for a variety of reasons, including the fact that there is always an abundance of food and cuddles.
The kitchen is where the food is, and I find this is the best place to lay down during the preparation period. I have never been stood on, confirming my belief that this is the safest place for me. I receive many compliments on my size whilst in this position.
The main living area is where the two large greyhound beds are located. The Grandparents and Big Rabbit prefer to be squashed together on the smaller of the two, so Chicken and I stretch out on the big one. It is only right that we display this level of respect in somebody else’s house. The Fairy sits on the floor.
I do not know how The Grandparents access their bedrooms as there are no stairs. They do have some secret rooms at the front of their house however, which we are not allowed in. In an interesting twist, Arky-Ollie-Just is quite often on the premises and spends most of his time in one of these rooms. I can therefore assume that he has been engaged by The Grandparents to carry out some kind of archaeological investigation. Interesting.
The most useful room in the entire house is the multifunctional indoor/outdoor kennel, which is part of the garden despite having walls, large windows and a door. The Grandparents use it to drink tea in; Chicken uses it to gain access to the spare greyhound bed; Big Rabbit uses it as a look-out point; I use it to relieve myself, and The Fairy uses it when she wants to apologise. I think everyone should have one of these halfway kennels so that nobody has to go into the garden during inclement weather.
The Fairy has informed me that I’m not going to embarrass her anymore at The Grandparents house. This is a little confusing, as I don’t believe that I have ever done anything embarrassing in my whole life! Apparently, she has a plan in place for today’s visit.
I do not like the way she is looking at me.
Monty
Chicky chicky BOOM BOOM seen some snow.
Today it was all coldy cold but we all did still go out. When it got to nearly bed time we told The Fairy that it is time to go out again and I did be her helper when she was putting on her walks boots. Because it was dark and coldy we put on big coats. We has special lights on so we is disguised as lamp posts and can sneak up on cats.
When we got to a dark part of our walk I did decide to do a wee so everybody had to stop. Monty did get all bored so he pushed past me to sniff something smelly. His lead did get caughted under my bum and then I did change my mind and did a poo instead.
The Fairy did see this and pulled his lead but my tail was making it stuck so when it snapped up all quickly, the poo did smack onto Monty’s coat. Then his lead on purpose went on my beautiful coat so I also had poo on as well, and when The Fairy got his lead off my coat she had poo on her hand as well and didn’t cope.
Monty is thicky so didn’t notice anything and I was secretly laughing and The Fairy whined all the way to my house. It is her big job to clean all up when we make mess so she got off the poo and put our coats in the whirly machine and Monty couldn’t get into it because his bottom is too big. Now we has to stay up to wait for the whirly machine to give us our coats back so they can be all dry for tomorrow.
Monty still smellses of wee. BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken
Chicken had a fit yesterday because she heard The Fairy say that we were having roast chicken for tea. When I’d managed to calm her down and demand that she speak clearly, she told me that she wasn’t very pleased at the prospect of being eaten. I explained that we were having chicken and not Chicken and that chicken was poultry and Chicken was a dog.
She didn’t seem to know what a chicken was so I took her for a walk past the allotments and we stopped to look at the chickens. It was at this point that she became a little confused, appearing to believe that she was supposed to pick one of the chickens and take it home so The Fairy could cook it. Luckily the coop was fox-proof, and by extension, Chicken-proof.
By which I mean Chicken and not chickens. Although obviously it is chicken-proof, otherwise there wouldn’t have been any chickens in it. They would have been all over the road.
Anyway, suffice it to say she returned to the house in a much better frame of mind, and her happiness and excitement increased in direct correlation with the aroma coming from the oven.
By tea time, she was hysterical again.
Monty
Old Chinese proverb says:
Of a good teacher they will say, “He taught me well.” Of an excellent teacher they will say, “I taught myself.”
A delusional, empty-headed student will say, “I taught my teacher.”
I mention this to help you better understand Chicken’s ramblings. First of all, nearly every single toy in the house in mine. She did not, as she states, teach me not to steal them. I decided quite independently to allow her access to them in the spirit of friendship. I am not now, nor have I ever been, intimidated by her. No.
In addition to this, neither did she teach me to play. I have been capable of playing since my early days and will only play when I choose to. She indicates that she wants to partake in play by barking, and if I feel like it, I join her.
With regards to barking, she really does show a lack of understanding when she says that she taught me. I feel responsible for her ongoing training, being the higher ranking and more intelligent dog in the house. It was for this reason that I undertook to help her develop the ability to project her voice. I assessed her current level of ability by listening carefully for a period of time, before demonstrating the correct way of doing it. It is disappointing that she has interpreted the situation in the way that she has, but not surprising.
Finally, I feel I must address the more personal issue that she mentioned.
Let me be clear: there is no romantic link between us. We are not in a relationship and I do not believe we ever will be. I understand fully how difficult it is to resist me. I am handsome, strong, intelligent, wise and skilled. Others pale into insignificance beside me. But I am also a professional with little time for unnecessary distractions. If I felt in the future that it was the right time to settle down, I would be looking for a partner whose intellect matched mine. Whilst Chicken is incredibly attractive, bubbly and loving, she also has the mind of a two-year-old and the attention span of a goldfish.
I do not wish to cause any offense and I respect Chicken for her individuality, but I must insist that she stops spreading these untrue rumours about the status of our relationship.
I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND. No.
Monty
Smelly Monty, smelly Monty wee-wees on his own foot. BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken
BOOM BOOM! Chicky chicky!
I is loving, loving, loving big hunky Monty. He did try to steal my toys to start with but I has teachered him not to and then I teachered him how to play and we is having loads of fun now. Sometimes he is too sleepy but I help him to wake up by barking and barking and barking. He is loving this and it works because he is now playing when I tell him to.
Yesterday Big Rabbit came to be in my house and she investigated my toy bag but didn’t steal any so we all did not shout at each other. Monty showed me how to get the lovely food from the big table but The Fairy and The Grandparents was too much in the way. He is special good at finding the food that The Fairy has forgotten to put in our dishes. He found bread in a bag and we did take it to the living room and open it all.
I did also teacher him to bark which he didn’t do before. He is good learner and has big, macho voice. He is so big and strong and he is the bestest boyfriend ever. We went to the big seaside today and he did look after me all the way. Chicky chick lovely Monty.
Chicken
Upon rising early, I felt it necessary to perform an inspection of the perimeter fence. On re-entering the property, I discovered that not only had Chicken found the iPad, she had also posted an unauthorized post.
I would like to state very clearly that she has had no formal computer training at all and quite obviously doesn’t know what she is doing. This is a prime example of why children should be supervised at all times whilst using any form of ICT.
I apologise to all my readers and ask that in future you disregard any writings produced by Chicken, and report them to me immediately.
Monty
I is cleverer enough to infiltrate his post and publish a picture of him in bed with no pants on.
BOOM BOOM!
Chicken
BOOM! BOOM!
Chicky chicky chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
BOOM! BOOM!
Chicky chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
Smelly Monty wee foot.
Love and hugs and kisses and cuddles, Chicken xxxxx
I had to put my trench building programme on hold at the beginning of Autumn, due in part to the inclement weather. The real reason my project had to be put on hold however, was the need to secure an archaeological survey before Bob at the Council would process my planning application. It was quite hard finding an archaeologist. We walked across many fields but didn’t come across a single one. Then as luck would have it, one turned up just before Christmas. He agreed to do a full survey of the site in exchange for board and lodging over the Christmas period.
On day one, he had a quick look at the site out the window, and then spent ten days sleeping and eating in my house. I tried to make him feel welcome by taking him for walks every day and I even allowed him to play with me. I don’t normally interact with civilians but found myself becoming quite fond of this one, whose name is Arky-Ollie-Just.
His final assessment came as no surprise to me, as my military training had taught me about all terrains known to man. It is Arky-Ollie-Just’s professional opinion that I can:
“Dig all you want, mate.”
Because:
“There’s nothing there.”
He has written me a full report with words to this effect, which I will present to Bob at the Council next week.
Monty The Great
Greyhounds In Charge 