Greyhounds

The Fairy has gone away for a couple of days and has left me in charge. Arky-Ollie-Just is here keeping us company and we are having a great time. He plays all the time and loves it when I take him for a walk. He also knows where our snacks are kept. Now it’s only an observation and not a criticism – because I do know that he tries very hard – but he is not very good at delivering said snacks efficiently.

He tends to hold the entire snack in his fist which makes it difficult to get hold of. Initially I simply indicated with my nose that I wanted it, but he didn’t understand so I tried to make it clearer by using my teeth. As he still didn’t seem to comprehend, I had a quick go at using my claws before jumping up at him. Unbelievably, he still didn’t get it. In the end, I decided to go the whole hog and head-butt him.

That did the trick.

At the moment it is dark and as archaeologists work best when they can see properly, we have postponed our planned visit to my trench until the morning. I will let you know how it goes.

Monty relaxing

Monty

Arky-Ollie-Just is coming tomorrow so The Fairy has embarked on an emergency cleaning spree. Chicken is helping by laying out every single toy in the house and is currently throwing them about everywhere in an attempt to organise them. I do not hold out much hope for her, seeing as she is incapable of organising her own thoughts, never mind anything else.

For my own part, I’m offering emotional support to both of them from my position on the settee. I did contribute earlier when I brought in some mud from the garden to help guide The Fairy with the vacuum cleaner. I believe she was very pleased to have my assistance.

Whilst out in the garden I did notice some changes to my trench. I’ll admit to being a little confused by this as I know that I haven’t carried out any work on it in the last few days. Arky-Ollie-Just has agreed to survey the site with me tomorrow so will hopefully shed some light on the situation.

Our visit to Big Rabbit’s house went well. I was singled out for special treatment and was the only one to receive a present. I presume this is due to my status and perhaps also in acknowledgement for all the assistance that I provide. I was presented with a beautiful wide belt which was comfortable and also matched my collar. At the risk of sounding boastful, I looked very dashing and believe that I was admired by Big Rabbit and Chicken, who looked on with envy.

Monty

Later today we will be visiting Big Rabbit and The Grandparents. Like most English people, The Fairy has waited until the road conditions are bad before venturing out in her car. Chicken and I love going for a variety of reasons, including the fact that there is always an abundance of food and cuddles.

The kitchen is where the food is, and I find this is the best place to lay down during the preparation period. I have never been stood on, confirming my belief that this is the safest place for me. I receive many compliments on my size whilst in this position.

The main living area is where the two large greyhound beds are located. The Grandparents and Big Rabbit prefer to be squashed together on the smaller of the two, so Chicken and I stretch out on the big one. It is only right that we display this level of respect in somebody else’s house. The Fairy sits on the floor.

I do not know how The Grandparents access their bedrooms as there are no stairs. They do have some secret rooms at the front of their house however, which we are not allowed in. In an interesting twist, Arky-Ollie-Just is quite often on the premises and spends most of his time in one of these rooms. I can therefore assume that he has been engaged by The Grandparents to carry out some kind of archaeological investigation. Interesting.

The most useful room in the entire house is the multifunctional indoor/outdoor kennel, which is part of the garden despite having walls, large windows and a door. The Grandparents use it to drink tea in; Chicken uses it to gain access to the spare greyhound bed; Big Rabbit uses it as a look-out point; I use it to relieve myself, and The Fairy uses it when she wants to apologise. I think everyone should have one of these halfway kennels so that nobody has to go into the garden during inclement weather.

The Fairy has informed me that I’m not going to embarrass her anymore at The Grandparents house. This is a little confusing, as I don’t believe that I have ever done anything embarrassing in my whole life! Apparently, she has a plan in place for today’s visit.

I do not like the way she is looking at me.

Monty

Chicken had a fit yesterday because she heard The Fairy say that we were having roast chicken for tea. When I’d managed to calm her down and demand that she speak clearly, she told me that she wasn’t very pleased at the prospect of being eaten. I explained that we were having chicken and not Chicken and that chicken was poultry and Chicken was a dog.

She didn’t seem to know what a chicken was so I took her for a walk past the allotments and we stopped to look at the chickens. It was at this point that she became a little confused, appearing to believe that she was supposed to pick one of the chickens and take it home so The Fairy could cook it. Luckily the coop was fox-proof, and by extension, Chicken-proof.

By which I mean Chicken and not chickens. Although obviously it is chicken-proof, otherwise there wouldn’t have been any chickens in it. They would have been all over the road.

Anyway, suffice it to say she returned to the house in a much better frame of mind, and her happiness and excitement increased in direct correlation with the aroma coming from the oven.

By tea time, she was hysterical again.

Monty

Old Chinese proverb says:

Of a good teacher they will say, “He taught me well.” Of an excellent teacher they will say, “I taught myself.”

A delusional, empty-headed student will say, “I taught my teacher.”

I mention this to help you better understand Chicken’s ramblings. First of all, nearly every single toy in the house in mine. She did not, as she states, teach me not to steal them. I decided quite independently to allow her access to them in the spirit of friendship. I am not now, nor have I ever been, intimidated by her. No.

In addition to this, neither did she teach me to play. I have been capable of playing since my early days and will only play when I choose to. She indicates that she wants to partake in play by barking, and if I feel like it, I join her.

With regards to barking, she really does show a lack of understanding when she says that she taught me. I feel responsible for her ongoing training, being the higher ranking and more intelligent dog in the house. It was for this reason that I undertook to help her develop the ability to project her voice. I assessed her current level of ability by listening carefully for a period of time, before demonstrating the correct way of doing it. It is disappointing that she has interpreted the situation in the way that she has, but not surprising.

Finally, I feel I must address the more personal issue that she mentioned.

Let me be clear: there is no romantic link between us. We are not in a relationship and I do not believe we ever will be. I understand fully how difficult it is to resist me. I am handsome, strong, intelligent, wise and skilled. Others pale into insignificance beside me. But I am also a professional with little time for unnecessary distractions. If I felt in the future that it was the right time to settle down, I would be looking for a partner whose intellect matched mine. Whilst Chicken is incredibly attractive, bubbly and loving, she also has the mind of a two-year-old and the attention span of a goldfish.

I do not wish to cause any offense and I respect Chicken for her individuality, but I must insist that she stops spreading these untrue rumours about the status of our relationship.

I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND. No.

Monty

Smelly Monty, smelly Monty wee-wees on his own foot. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken