Monty

51. Bob, Dave, Duck And Chicken – by Monty

Posted on March 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

The last few days have been quite eventful. On Friday PC Dave from the Station turned up, asking to speak to me about a couple of incidents that had been brought to his attention. One of them had something to do with Porta-Loo Day and the Neighbourhood Watch. I couldn’t quite understand what he was getting at, but I believe that some of the people on the estate have been complaining. It is possible that I have been unfairly missing some of the portable toilets, so I will make an extra effort next week to use every single one. I don’t want people feeling offended because they have been missed out.

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Monty showing his softer side with a flower

The other incident was entirely more serious, and one that I am particularly angry about. Apparently, Bob from the Council has put in a complaint about me! He has reported being attacked whilst on my property and Dave is now having to investigate the allegation. I made it quite clear that I did not injure Bob in any way, and went so far as to demonstrate how I had asked him to leave. As far as I am aware, there is no law against asking someone to leave your premises, using verbal communication only.

Dave agreed with this, but said I should guard against presenting myself in a way that could be conceived as threatening. He said that Bob no longer felt safe dealing with me, and no longer had any peace of mind. I told Dave that I’d give Bob a piece of my mind if I saw him again, and went on to explain how my planning application had been turned down. Dave sympathised but was very clear about how I should conduct myself in future. I agreed to behave in a more restrained way, and went on to tell him about my Mud Head Project. He was very impressed and said this was much more practical than a trench, which was my thought entirely.

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Duck droppings on Chicken

On Friday Chicken tried to make friends with a duck but it ran away, so she had to content herself with rubbing her face and neck in its droppings. I did not allow her to sit too close to me in the car on the way home.

Yesterday we had a day out at Sister’s house where we came across a cat. I wanted to play with it but it ran away. Chicken insisted we had been followed by Ugly Cat and became quite upset. I explained to her that it was not Ugly Cat, but Talking Cat. It can say hello just like Sister! Extraordinary!

Today is Mother’s Day so we are visiting Grandma. If I have time later, I will write a letter of apology to Bob from the Council. I realise how formidable I am, and must take responsibility for my actions. It’s the right thing to do.

Monty

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50. A New Plan – by Monty

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Chicken interfering with Arky-Ollie-Just’s assessment

I think Arky-Ollie-Just is a mind reader. He turned up just when I needed him most and spent a few days going over new possibilities for my garden. I was all for continuing with my trench, but Arky-Ollie-Just had a fabulous idea.

He introduced me to the idea of mud heads and moss art. It is a fascinating area of horticulture which I had never heard of before, but one that I believe I will excel at. To start with I will have to build a head shape out of mud, and then plant moss and grass on it so that it looks like part of the garden. Brilliant! I can’t wait to get started.

Obviously I am still angry about having to abort my trench building project, but I am nothing if not adaptable. Being able to recognise and respond to a crisis is what got me to where I am today. Did Captain Kirk ever throw the towel in? I think not.

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Mud head. Better than a trench.

Chicken has indicated that she wishes to be involved in the Mud Head Project, citing her good digging skills. We had an interesting and informative discussion about which of us was better at digging trenches, and in the end I think that she was able to see that I was superior. I was looking forward to the 29th of February, but had to spend the whole day trying to explain to her how it was that we had an extra day. I’m not convinced it was worth it.

I am now in the process of planning my Mud Head Project in my head. Arky-Ollie-Just has agreed to be my assistant, and I may employ Chicken on a casual basis once construction begins.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

48. They Won’t Keep A Good Dog Down – by Monty

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Mydogslife
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I was devastated for a while

Devastated. Bob from the Council turned up unannounced on Friday. And shattered my dreams. Heartless. Absolutely heartless.

Due to the unannounced nature of his visit, The Fairy wouldn’t let him come through the house as she had not undertaken the necessary emergency cleaning which usually precedes visits from outsiders. So he had to come through the gate. By which I mean climb over it, because the bolts refuse to draw back.

Upon entering the garden, he cast a cursory glance at the ruined lawn and went straight over to the trench site. I knew all was not well when he shook his head and made that hissing noise through his teeth. Then he delivered the blow that saw me drop to my knees in agony:

“It’s too close to the boundary. If you keep digging here it will undermine the posts and the fence will fall down. I can already see into the garden next door. You’ll have to fill it in and resubmit your application showing the trench at least three foot from the fence.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him that my engineering expertise was second to none and I would never make the mistake of compromising the stability of the perimeter fence, but he said rules have to be adhered to. This I accept, but his unwillingness to trust my professional expertise, I do not. Which I made very clear in the manner in which I asked him to leave. It took him less time to climb out of the garden than it had taken him to climb in. Quite a feat in fact, considering his age.

The Fairy tried to comfort me and Chicken did her best to cheer me up but nothing could console me. I retired sobbing to my bed, all my dreams in tatters. Until, that is, my survival instincts kicked in and I remembered who I am. MONTY THE GREAT.  I’m Monty. And I’m great. No ‘Bob from the Council with his Health and Safety regulations’ is going to stop me building a trench. I will simply employ the services of a fellow expert and start again. A new day is dawning.

All I need now is Arky-Ollie-Just.

Monty The Great

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47. The Early Worm Catches The Cat – by Monty

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have only been up an hour and there have been three unauthorised invasions already. Three separate bits of wildlife have attempted to gain entry, but have been thwarted by my razor sharp reflexes. Two birds – one black, one brown – and a cat. Chicken insist it was Ugly Cat, and I’m inclined to agree as I only saw its back end, and it wasn’t pretty.

The birds I can understand, because The Fairy had once again put food out on my grass/mud. She really should stop doing this. The cat was walking along the back fence and we couldn’t get out into the garden until it had disappeared, because The Fairy is so slow. I swear she does it on purpose.

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Following government advice

We ran together to the fence in a show of strength to ensure Ugly Cat didn’t come back. I then proceeded to rid the garden of food sources to deter the birds, as recommended by the government. This is all I can do at the moment, but I intend to stay alert lest there be a further assault.

Monty The Great

 

 

Message from Chicken: Birdies and Ugly Cats has no chance.

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Alert Monty

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45. Bad Moon Rising – by Monty

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

I think the full moon is having an effect on Chicken. Last night, for no reason that I could see, she bolted down the garden and threw herself onto the back fence. She then did it again a second time. I was very tempted to go and see what she was doing, but have learnt that there is nothing to gain by trying to understand her behaviour.

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Monty thinking

Yet I fear Chicken is not the only one behaving strangely at the moment. Yesterday morning I awoke early and went out into the garden. Imagine my horror when I found myself looking with disbelief at a seagull. I lie, not. A seagull! In my garden. The nerve of the thing. It took off straight away when it saw me but I cannot believe it had the audacity to land in my garden in the first place. First a garden bird, then pigeons, and now a seagull. What is going on? I’m half expecting there to be an ostrich tomorrow.

We went for a walk last night and a cat jumped out from under a bush, right in front of us. We obviously tried to grab it but as we were out with The Fairy we had attached leads to her to keep her safe, and so couldn’t run as fast as we wanted to. We dragged her along as fast as we could but lost sight of our quarry on a bend. It was only when we were close to home that The Fairy told us to look back. The cat was following us!

I say again: What is going on?

My military training is telling me that some kind of conspiracy is unfolding within my own territory. Let us not forget that I was somehow poisoned a few days ago. There is no telling what will happen next, so I must protect my unit. I hope those responsible for the illegal fracking haven’t found out that I am on to them.

I never expected retirement to be such hard work.

Monty

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44. Under attack – by Monty

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

I believe I have been poisoned. It is my own fault; I have taken my eye off the ball where the birds are concerned and it has come back to bite me on the bum, so to speak. I knew I should have taken more direct action when I had the chance.

Two pigeons were walking around my garden a few days ago, in blatant violation of my direct orders. Instead of taking direct action myself however, I decided to let Chicken deal with them. She obviously failed in her mission as I believe they were able to plant something in my garden which made me incredibly sick. Chicken has told me that it was my own fault and I’m finding it difficult to disagree. I must be more vigilant from now on.

My plan for revenge had to be put on hold yesterday due to a large number of admirers who turned up. They had obviously come to see me, though Chicken found this hard to believe. She also wanted admiring and the visitors were kind enough to humour her. They liked me best, and were particularly impressed when I tried to protect the children’s health by taking the chocolate biscuits off them. I think they really appreciated my thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow is Sunday so I intend to get up before dawn to lie in wait for the birds. I am anxious to rid my garden of them completely before Bob from the Council turns up to inspect it.  I do not want him thinking that the place is a wildlife reserve, as this may harm my chances of getting planning permission for my trench.

Monty

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41. A Good Start To The Day – by Monty

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have worked out what pleases The Fairy most by watching her interaction with Chicken. Chicken makes loads of mess with her blood all over the walls; The Fairy spends four hours cleaning it up; Chicken gets extra hugs and kisses by way of thanks. Obviously, The Fairy was thanking her for providing the extra housework. Now that I have worked this out with my superior intellect, I intend to act upon it.

Today I got up at half past five and indicated that I wished to go out into the garden. But because it was raining, I decided against relieving myself outside. There really isn’t any point taking risks when it is not necessary. Also, I scored my first points of the day by giving her the satisfaction of cleaning it up. I’m not quite sure how the payment system works yet, as I didn’t get my extra cuddle straight away.

After breakfast, I rang Bob at the Council and told him we needed to have an urgent meeting about the planning permission for my trench. I think that like Simon at the DECC, he has also been on holiday because he said at least he’d had a break for a couple of weeks. He went on to say that my application was in the system and all I could do was wait, and that there really wasn’t any point in me ringing him, as there was nothing he could do to speed up the process.

I told him that in order for Simon at the DECC to investigate the illegal fracking, I needed an incident number from PC Dave at the station, and I couldn’t get that until I had planning permission in place for the trench.

Bob was astonished that I had managed to speak to Simon at the DECC and stunned into silence when I informed him that I had used Simon’s private mobile. He became quite anxious about this and asked if his name had been mentioned during the conversation. I had to admit that I had neglected to tell Simon at the DECC that Bob at the Council had recommend I ring him. I apologised and told Bob that I would ring Simon back and let him know.

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Chicken’s bandaged tail

For some reason, (I suspect modesty) Bob begged me never to implicate him and said that if I keep his contribution secret, he would do everything in his power to speed up the planning application. He also said that as the trench was still in fact just a hole, the police wouldn’t really be interested in the paperwork anyway, and I should go ahead and call them back.

I told him that I didn’t want PC Dave turning up at my house until The Fairy had cleaned all the blood off the walls. He said he would ring me back.

I am very pleased at how the day has started.

Monty

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38. Poorly Chicken – by Monty

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday, poor Little Chicken banged her tail so hard on the door that the end of it started to bleed. She didn’t seem to feel any pain though, and continued to wag away with full force. The whole house was sprayed with blood within minutes.

The Fairy took care of her, settled her down and then proceeded to wipe away all the blood. At least, she tried. Grandma was here and she also spent a long time wiping walls but it was a mammoth task. Then just after they’d finished wiping everything, Chicken got excited again about going out and banged her tail so it started to bleed a second time!

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Poorly Chicken 

Everybody was worried about her and they tried to bandage the end of her tail but she just wagged everything off. Her tail is very sleek and thin, but I believe it is made of steel. I have been on the receiving end of it many times, either across the face or on the bottom. I do not know which hurts most. All our visitors have been dealt the same blows and I have personally seen the bruising on The Fairy’s legs and the red welts on her face.

We thought that she might have been better this morning but no. Once again the wagging sent blood spraying all over the house. We tried to stop it but she’s so happy that it was impossible. Now the whole house looks like a crime scene. The Fairy keeps thinking that she’s cleaned it all but every time she looks, she sees more splatters. I did consider ringing Dave at the station to ask him how to clean up blood, but decided against it.

Poor Chicken is now receiving loads of kisses and cuddles and I am being extra nice to her.

It is St. Valentine’s Day, after all.

Monty

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37. First contact with the police – by Monty

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

First and foremost, I’d like to put it on record that I have the upmost respect for all our men and women who serve in the police force. I have every confidence that they will eventually apprehend those responsible for the illegal fracking, though I fully appreciate that the lack of witnesses and viable evidence may prove problematic.

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Awkward conversation 

First contact started a little bit awkwardly, as apparently, 999 is not an appropriate number to dial unless there is immediate danger of some kind. Having ascertained this, I redialed and was connected to an operator at the local station, who put me on to PC Dave from the dog section . The conversation went something like this:

MONTY: I’d like to report some illegal fracking, please.

PC DAVE: Illegal what?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Fracking?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Are you involved in the mining business yourself, sir?

MONTY: No. But I am digging a trench.

PC DAVE: A trench?

MONTY: Yes, a trench.

PC DAVE: What kind of trench?

MONTY: A large one. I anticipate it will run the whole length of the garden.

PC DAVE: And for what purpose are you digging this trench, sir?

MONTY: Does it matter?

PC DAVE: It might. I’m just trying to ascertain your reasons for digging a trench. You’re not planning on using it for any kind of anti-social behaviour are you?

MONTY: How dare you! I’ve never been anti-social in my life.

PC DAVE: There’s no need to become defensive, sir. I’m just conducting basic enquiries. You have to admit, it’s a little unusual to build a trench in a suburban garden.

MONTY: I have my reasons.

PC DAVE: I’m sure you do, sir. Do you also have planning permission?

 

It was at this point, unfortunately, that the phone failed. I decided against ringing back today. I feel satisfied that I have made an initial enquiry and will speak with PC Dave again in the near future.

I have also determined to re-establish contact with Bob at The Council to chase up my planning application. Not because I am worried about it, I just feel it’s time to conclude business on that front.

Monty

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36. Further action needed – by Monty

Posted on February 10, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have been very successful at keeping the birds out of my garden. The brown bird has only appeared once but there have been two unauthorised fence landings by a rather overweight pigeon, which is worrying. In addition to this, a mouse tried to gain entry under the fence, but soon scarpered when it spotted me.

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Information gathering at the local wildlife reserve

I say that I have been very successful, as Chicken is being no help at all. She has gone off at a tangent and is insisting that an ugly cat is targeting her. I have seen no evidence of a cat in my garden, nor do I believe I ever will. The local wildlife has no doubt circulated my photo by now, along with a warning about how formidable I am. I do not anticipate any wildlife related problems at the moment, though I do need to keep my eye on that pigeon.

There is only so much that one dog can do, and I’m in danger of becoming overwhelmed with responsibility. I cannot hold the fort in my back garden at the same time as investigating the illegal fracking, and chasing up the planning permission for my trench. There simply is too much paperwork involved. For this reason, I decided once more to contact Simon at the DECC.

Apparently, his secretary has resigned and left by mutual agreement. I have to say, the office seems to be very efficient, as the new secretary had already been made aware of me, though she used the word ‘warned’ by mistake. She said that Simon was unable to help me unless I had an incident number from the local police. I thanked her for this information and said I would report the illegal fracking to them.

I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.

Monty

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