Honestly, I despair sometimes. All she was asked to do was produce a report about Brexit. If she were a member of the government and tried to pull a stunt like that, she’d have been fired by now.
More important things to do?
Monty
Author Archives: Mydogslife
212. My Big Report About Breaks It – by Chicken
MY BIG REPORT ABOUT BREAKS IT BY CHICKEN
Breaks It is I did see the mean polar bear. Monty did go out and he did do a big poo and it was standing up on its own and it did have a face and it was smiling and it did all look like a Easter Island Head statue.
I did wants to put a picture of it on here but The Fairy did say I all had to ask Monty first. My report.
The End
Love Chicken xxx
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Politics, Wildlife, Your Rope
211. Date Of Brexit Brought Forward Without Consultation – by Monty
Chicken and I would like to say that we hope you are all well and that we are glad to be back. Unfortunately, my first news is somewhat alarming.
It appears that Britain has already left Europe without the public being made aware of it. As second in line to form a government, I was both offended and outraged in equal measure, that I had not been consulted. A formal complaint will be submitted shortly.
Although Mrs May is yet to release an official statement, it is quite clear to us that the move has already taken place. I have drawn this conclusion based on the following:
1. We are now obviously much closer to Norway than we were last week.
Norwegian weather brings Britain to a halt
2. Intelligence provided by Chicken.
Intelligent Chicken
I cannot lie. I was rather skeptical when Chicken told me that she had seen reindeer and polar bears on her night time walks, but she was very insistent. Apparently, they have taken up residence all over the estate without my prior approval. As everyone knows, these sorts of animals are usually found much further north, suggesting to those of us intelligent enough to debate these issues, that Britain has indeed already moved.
Chicken wanted me to go out – in the dark I might add – to see the polar bears for myself, but unfortunately I was tied up with the writing of my formal complaint.
I have promised her that I will have a word with a certain polar bear tomorrow, as she was upset that it had looked at her “all mean.”
She is rather excited as I have asked her to write a report about her findings which will be published here tomorrow. I judge her to be at Excitement Level 3 at the moment.
I have retired to my office.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Politics, Wildlife, Your Rope
210. Does You Know Yeuna? – by Chicken
A time ago on Thursday The Fairy did go out without me which is all not allowed and she did go out. Me and my Monty did go to Grandma and Grandad’s house.
Yeuna
When The Fairy did come back she did say that she had met a little greyhound girly called Yeuna who is more littler than me. She did say that Yeuna had come from the Daybreakfast Kennels which is in the land of Birmingham which is all not near No Way, so I does know that she is not a troll. She did have a first name called Sooty and I did have a name first which was all not Chicken but greyhounds is good at having loads of names and getting new names when we do retiring.
The Fairy did say that Yeuna was very beautiful and very girly and I did reminding her that I was beautiful too. I did decides to play with Yeuna but The Fairy did say that her lovely mum and dad and big brother wouldn’t let her come home to be in my house because they did love her too much. Bum.
Smiley girl
All the doggies at the Breakfast In The Day Kennels are all looking for lovely homes and if peoples lived in the land of Birmingham and they did want to fall in love with a greyhound and take the greyhound home that they could read the pages on the internetty and go and visit The Daybreaks Kennels.
http://www.rgtperrybarr.co.uk/ourdogs/
The Fairy did say that Yeuna did wagging her tail and she did jumpy jumps because she is very happy and she is playing all the time. She is still young not as old as me but she is all still a proper greyhound even though she is younger.
Happy with her lovely family
I is going to look after my big Monty now because he is poorly. He is limping on his poorly footy and he did say he had all sustained a rather serious work related strain injury and I did say that was all not true and he just had a poorly foot.
I is going to make it betterer by doing jumpy jumps on it. BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Rehoming
209. Ode To Monty – by Chicken
I has all decidered to be lovely nice to my Monty because he has been special nice to me and he has been all looking after me and bringing me foody food. I did write this singing song for to show him that he is my favourite Monty.
MY BIG SONG
How fat is that doggy near the window?
That one with the wobbly tum.
How fat is that doggy near the window?
Just look at the size of his bum.
BOOM! BOOM!
My special big Monty
Chicken xxx
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Food
208. Food Club – by Monty
We have been weighed. Between us, we have lost 200g which in real money is 8oz which in real life is ENOUGH. The Fairy is rather confused, but being in receipt of all relevant information, I fully comprehend the situation.
We have bested her. My superior intellect and highly advanced survival skills have ensured Chicken and I have not starved to death. It is not easy to keep a good dog down – and I happen to be Great.
As soon as I realised that the diet situation was to be ongoing, I formed a secret organization called FOOD CLUB.
The first rule of Food Club is: You do not talk about Food Club. The second rule of Food Club is: You do not talk about Food Club.
This being the case, and bearing in mind my absolute devotion to rules and regulations, I only intend to hint at my activities as a member of Food Club.
Stealth Operative
Let’s just say that the hedgehogs who have invaded my garden are not as big as they could have been, had they made it to the cake and peanut butter before I did. Let’s just say that The Fairy wasn’t loosing her mind when she couldn’t locate the digestives that she was sure she had purchased at the supermarket. Let’s just say, for arguments sake, that certain cupboards and a certain fridge freezer may not be as well stocked as they are believed to be.
On the plus side, my reputation as a stealth operative is completely intact.
Enough said.
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Food, Health, Hedgehogs
207. The First Rule – by Monty
Chicken has made a remarkable recovery and is almost back to her normal self. I put this down to the care and attention that I have been administering diligently, and to the fact that she is made of elastic and high tension springs.
Yesterday I licked her ear as I am now allowed near her head without being warned off. She is more playful with me and her tail is wagging more. It remains to be seen whether this is a good or a bad thing. I have been on the receiving end of that tail once too often.
Now, with regards to food, the first rule of engagement is of the upmost importance and is universally accepted by all dogs:
1. All unattended and exposed food belongs to the dog.
For the purposes of this article, unattended is defined as being not in the hands of an adult. Exposed refers to any food accessible to the dog, up to and including items located after a thorough search of bags and cupboards.
As the leader, I have a duty to provide for all the members of my unit. To this end, after a well executed and stealth-like mission, I managed to secure two bagels for our breakfast. Timing was paramount, and my action would not have been discovered had it not been for Chicken’s lack of urgency.
I have scheduled in some training on statutory procedures to be followed by all.
I do not want Chicken being arrested for possession of stolen property.
Eat or conceal. PROPERLY
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Food, Health
206. Hear Me Out – by Monty
In my line of work, it is important to think on your feet. Sometimes it is necessary to Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. This is where I excel. When the going gets tough, as they say, the tough get going. And the going is particularly tough at the moment with regards to the food situation and to Chicken’s teeth.
I have good news regarding her recovery. I accompanied her to the vets this morning for her check up. Ordinarily I wouldn’t set foot in the place, but I was there to support Chicken. I did a rather good demonstration of how one might shake if one were frightened of the vets, which everybody present found very useful. The vet was pleased with her progress so we are all very relieved. The Fairy has given both of us extra attention and has hand-fed Chicken with all sorts of nice things. I’m glad to say that I was also given some of this lovely PROPER food, in the interest of fairness.
Then it came to me. A flash of inspiration so profound that even I was stunned by my own brilliance. Improvise, adapt and overcome.
These are the facts:
- We were put on a diet of gravel.
- Chicken had some teeth removed.
- For a period of three days we were both given soft chicken, mince, black pudding and ham.
So, without even referring to the official text book, I have identified a method of obtaining good quality food for a period of at least three days: book Chicken into the vets. It’s that simple!
Hear me out.
Chicken has 26 teeth left, which in theory could mean up to 78 days of decent food if she were to have one tooth extracted at a time, and we were to get soft cooked real meat for three days after each extraction. I’m sure she will agree that that will be worth the small amount of discomfort she may feel.
Stunned by my own brilliance
I have not yet ironed out all the details, but I intend to put the idea to Chicken as soon as she stops drooling.
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Food, Health, Vet
205. A Message From Chicken – by Chicken
BLOOM! BLOOM!
Phraa lemph broooo. Slaph blur pree. Vet phoo glaa going again snall shloo never. Brrrrree phrass sloff. Blum blum blum!
Ppprrretty ton
Chlichen phf phf phf xxx
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Health, Vet
204. Amazing Chicken – by Monty.
I will be the first to admit that in recent times I have rather lost sight of who I am. I put this down to the shock that my body has been going through, since the illegal withdrawing of the approved a la carte menu. Though fully aware of this crime against humanity, I felt unable to rally myself to action.
Luckily, I have my right hand man Chicken looking out for me. Admittedly, she went about administering help in a rather uncouth fashion, but administer help she did. By literally throwing me a lifeline. In the form of a very large book.
The book which roused me from my stupor was none other than the highly acclaimed 1996 addition of How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There.
I cannot believe that I did not immediately refer to this volume! I have used this text during many of my lectures to recently retired greyhounds to great effect. I intend to follow – to the letter – all the instructions given in the chapter about food. The Fairy is no match for me!
On a more serious note: teeth. Mine are excellent. Mine are the best teeth that the vet has ever seen on a greyhound. They are made of reinforced concrete and have side-impact protection bars installed as standard. They are big, strong, and responsible for many of the compliments that I receive on a daily basis.
Chicken’s, on the other hand, are rubbish. So rubbish in fact, that she has had to have six of them taken out. She is a little out of sorts at the moment but is recovering well. A bit droolly but I’m hoping that passes.
She’s in safe hands
She has nothing to fear. From this moment on I will be taking full responsibility for her rehabilitation and wellbeing. I consider it an honour to be able to look after her. She is in safe hands.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Food, Health, Vet
Greyhounds In Charge 