All a few days ago Monty was special naughty and did steal a full cake from the food kitchen. He did eat the whole thing and didn’t share any with me at all. I did all say this was mean.
And then Monty did get exploded dire rear and did all sound like a horse in the garden. I did not sit near him because he was all smelly poo and I did say he all deserved it for being greedy greedy.
Then I did laughs at him.
Chicken
I was all upset yesterday because I did go on the iPaddy internet and did see that Clipperty Klopp had been in the horsepital. He has all had a pen decided, so is very poorly and I is all going to send him a selfie of me myself to make him feel better. The Fairy did say not to worry because he is all big and strong and did get out the horse pit quickly and is back workering already.
Clipperty Klopp is betterer now
Monty did get all uppity then and did say that he was all big and strong as well, because he had had a bad footy injury and still did go out for a walks which was very difficult but he did it anyway because he is brave. He also did say that if his pen was broken he would all just get another one because he is cleverer. He also did say that Clipperty Klopp had not been workering and had really just been out all shopping. I did say to stop being jealous and I did love him too, and he did say he wasn’t jealous of someone who only had two legs and no a pen decided, so I did say get lost.
We went for a walks in the sunny shine this morning and Monty did all protect me when the big dogs came so I love him all more than usual now. Then we did meet a dog which could smile and talk! On the way back we did all see some people who looked like people but we’re very tiny small. They did stroke Monty and then I did push in and they did stroke me more. So I win. BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken xxx
I have worked out what pleases The Fairy most by watching her interaction with Chicken. Chicken makes loads of mess with her blood all over the walls; The Fairy spends four hours cleaning it up; Chicken gets extra hugs and kisses by way of thanks. Obviously, The Fairy was thanking her for providing the extra housework. Now that I have worked this out with my superior intellect, I intend to act upon it.
Today I got up at half past five and indicated that I wished to go out into the garden. But because it was raining, I decided against relieving myself outside. There really isn’t any point taking risks when it is not necessary. Also, I scored my first points of the day by giving her the satisfaction of cleaning it up. I’m not quite sure how the payment system works yet, as I didn’t get my extra cuddle straight away.
After breakfast, I rang Bob at the Council and told him we needed to have an urgent meeting about the planning permission for my trench. I think that like Simon at the DECC, he has also been on holiday because he said at least he’d had a break for a couple of weeks. He went on to say that my application was in the system and all I could do was wait, and that there really wasn’t any point in me ringing him, as there was nothing he could do to speed up the process.
I told him that in order for Simon at the DECC to investigate the illegal fracking, I needed an incident number from PC Dave at the station, and I couldn’t get that until I had planning permission in place for the trench.
Bob was astonished that I had managed to speak to Simon at the DECC and stunned into silence when I informed him that I had used Simon’s private mobile. He became quite anxious about this and asked if his name had been mentioned during the conversation. I had to admit that I had neglected to tell Simon at the DECC that Bob at the Council had recommend I ring him. I apologised and told Bob that I would ring Simon back and let him know.
Chicken’s bandaged tail
For some reason, (I suspect modesty) Bob begged me never to implicate him and said that if I keep his contribution secret, he would do everything in his power to speed up the planning application. He also said that as the trench was still in fact just a hole, the police wouldn’t really be interested in the paperwork anyway, and I should go ahead and call them back.
I told him that I didn’t want PC Dave turning up at my house until The Fairy had cleaned all the blood off the walls. He said he would ring me back.
I am very pleased at how the day has started.
Monty
I think I have managed to cure Chicken of her separation anxiety by giving her a taste of her own medicine. Since she damaged the end of her tail I have been giving her extra cuddles and attention. She loved this to start with, but couldn’t quite understand why I was constantly following her about. Because I didn’t want her to keep hurting herself, and because I’m fed up of washing blood off the walls, I kept trying to hold her tail when she wagged it. (This doesn’t work, by the way. It just makes the bit available for wagging shorter and thus faster.)
After a full day of constant attention, she got up and went to lay on the floor. All by herself. I think I have smothered her separation anxiety out of her. When I went to the toilet I went on my own. When I went in the kitchen I went on my own. When I came down from upstairs, she wasn’t waiting at the foot of them. Obviously I was concerned, so went over to her to see if she was OK. She just sighed, got up and walked over to her bed away from me. I am so anxious about her not being anxious about being separated from me, that I keep going back to her for attention.
My extra attention to Chicken has also had an interesting affect on Monty. He’s now playing all the time with things he knows he shouldn’t be – like my handbag, TV remote and phone – and is attention seeking all the time. He’s being really affectionate as well, and keeps coming for cuddles. He lost control completely when I came in from shopping, and shredded my extra strong, long-handled shopping bag which I had been forced to buy since the 5p fine for carrier bags was introduced.
So to sum up:
I have a niggling feeling that this is a step backwards.
The Fairy
Monty Bum Bum is all jealous of the extra good attention I is getting from The Fairy because I is hurt, so he has all made up his own injury and did start to hop about today. He did say that his foot was hurty but I thinks he is just trying it on.
The Fairy did think he was hurty though, so she did all take care of his foot and did rub it for him and check it for stuck things. He has not got any blood anywhere on him so I win because I has got blood everywhere.
No tin opener!
Today The Fairy did go out hunting and came back to my house with all food in the bags. Monty is gooder at getting the food from the bags than I is, so he did all attack the bags. We did run into the big room with a bread loaf and The Fairy did all run after us and I did notice that Monty porky pie did have nothing wrong with his foot then. When The Fairy did go back into the food kitchen Monty did steal another food bit from the bag and took it to his big bed. Then he did all sulk like a baby because he all could not eat the food without a tin opener. I did laugh and say he did make a mistakes with choosing the wrong food which he couldn’t eat, and he did say he did not makes a mistakes and was all just saving it for later. Monty Bum Bum pants on fire!
BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken xxx
Yesterday, poor Little Chicken banged her tail so hard on the door that the end of it started to bleed. She didn’t seem to feel any pain though, and continued to wag away with full force. The whole house was sprayed with blood within minutes.
The Fairy took care of her, settled her down and then proceeded to wipe away all the blood. At least, she tried. Grandma was here and she also spent a long time wiping walls but it was a mammoth task. Then just after they’d finished wiping everything, Chicken got excited again about going out and banged her tail so it started to bleed a second time!
Poorly Chicken
Everybody was worried about her and they tried to bandage the end of her tail but she just wagged everything off. Her tail is very sleek and thin, but I believe it is made of steel. I have been on the receiving end of it many times, either across the face or on the bottom. I do not know which hurts most. All our visitors have been dealt the same blows and I have personally seen the bruising on The Fairy’s legs and the red welts on her face.
We thought that she might have been better this morning but no. Once again the wagging sent blood spraying all over the house. We tried to stop it but she’s so happy that it was impossible. Now the whole house looks like a crime scene. The Fairy keeps thinking that she’s cleaned it all but every time she looks, she sees more splatters. I did consider ringing Dave at the station to ask him how to clean up blood, but decided against it.
Poor Chicken is now receiving loads of kisses and cuddles and I am being extra nice to her.
It is St. Valentine’s Day, after all.
Monty
First and foremost, I’d like to put it on record that I have the upmost respect for all our men and women who serve in the police force. I have every confidence that they will eventually apprehend those responsible for the illegal fracking, though I fully appreciate that the lack of witnesses and viable evidence may prove problematic.
Awkward conversation
First contact started a little bit awkwardly, as apparently, 999 is not an appropriate number to dial unless there is immediate danger of some kind. Having ascertained this, I redialed and was connected to an operator at the local station, who put me on to PC Dave from the dog section . The conversation went something like this:
MONTY: I’d like to report some illegal fracking, please.
PC DAVE: Illegal what?
MONTY: Fracking.
PC DAVE: Fracking?
MONTY: Fracking.
PC DAVE: Are you involved in the mining business yourself, sir?
MONTY: No. But I am digging a trench.
PC DAVE: A trench?
MONTY: Yes, a trench.
PC DAVE: What kind of trench?
MONTY: A large one. I anticipate it will run the whole length of the garden.
PC DAVE: And for what purpose are you digging this trench, sir?
MONTY: Does it matter?
PC DAVE: It might. I’m just trying to ascertain your reasons for digging a trench. You’re not planning on using it for any kind of anti-social behaviour are you?
MONTY: How dare you! I’ve never been anti-social in my life.
PC DAVE: There’s no need to become defensive, sir. I’m just conducting basic enquiries. You have to admit, it’s a little unusual to build a trench in a suburban garden.
MONTY: I have my reasons.
PC DAVE: I’m sure you do, sir. Do you also have planning permission?
It was at this point, unfortunately, that the phone failed. I decided against ringing back today. I feel satisfied that I have made an initial enquiry and will speak with PC Dave again in the near future.
I have also determined to re-establish contact with Bob at The Council to chase up my planning application. Not because I am worried about it, I just feel it’s time to conclude business on that front.
Monty
I have been very successful at keeping the birds out of my garden. The brown bird has only appeared once but there have been two unauthorised fence landings by a rather overweight pigeon, which is worrying. In addition to this, a mouse tried to gain entry under the fence, but soon scarpered when it spotted me.
Information gathering at the local wildlife reserve
I say that I have been very successful, as Chicken is being no help at all. She has gone off at a tangent and is insisting that an ugly cat is targeting her. I have seen no evidence of a cat in my garden, nor do I believe I ever will. The local wildlife has no doubt circulated my photo by now, along with a warning about how formidable I am. I do not anticipate any wildlife related problems at the moment, though I do need to keep my eye on that pigeon.
There is only so much that one dog can do, and I’m in danger of becoming overwhelmed with responsibility. I cannot hold the fort in my back garden at the same time as investigating the illegal fracking, and chasing up the planning permission for my trench. There simply is too much paperwork involved. For this reason, I decided once more to contact Simon at the DECC.
Apparently, his secretary has resigned and left by mutual agreement. I have to say, the office seems to be very efficient, as the new secretary had already been made aware of me, though she used the word ‘warned’ by mistake. She said that Simon was unable to help me unless I had an incident number from the local police. I thanked her for this information and said I would report the illegal fracking to them.
I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.
Monty
I is all mad because the ugly cats keeps sitting on my fence and looking at me with a mean face. He wants to come into my house but I is saying he is not coming in because he doesn’t like me. All the time I has to look at the fence in case he is coming to plan a plot against me. I tell Monty that the ugly cats wants to steal my toys but Monty cannot see him because he is slow at looking. He is all saying that I am seeing things but I know that ugly cats is clever at being sneaky.
Mirror Monty
Today I was all comfy cosy on my own settee on my own. Then The Fairy did come and sit next to me and then big Monty did sit next to her so I did not have my settee to myself alone anymore. Then smelly Monty did trump and he was smelling so The Fairy did get up and all go to sit somewhere else away from the smell. Then I did learn this was a good idea so I did trump and then Monty did get up and go in his basket and The Fairy did go out the room completely to the food kitchen. Monty was sulking because my trump was better than his. So I win.
Then I did all have my own settee back to myself.
Monty has not noticed my good ICT skills with the iPaddy camera yet, but I think he will be very impressed with how betterer I am at using it.
Chicken xxx
My second selfie
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!
The other day in the morning, a big ugly cats did sit on my fence all on itself. I did think straight away that it was ugly and he did have a look on his face all sneaky. He is trying to get in to steal my toys and I is not letting him. I decideded to get him and I all did ask Monty to help me.
Monty was in a good mood so did come to the slidy door to see. I was telling him about the cats which was stealing my toys and he was then in a bad mood and wanted to get the cats. We did make The Fairy open the slidy door and then we did run out all quickly. On the way to the cats we did see some bread on the floor and did all stop to eat it. I had 23 pieces because I is fast at eating but Monty is slow coach so only had 16 pieces so I win.
Monty Silly Nose
After this I did look all around but the cats was gone away. Monty is such big hero he noticed a little bird and was all worried that the little bird would get catched and eaten by the ugly cat so he did scare it off to save the little birdy’s life. He is so big and strong when he is looking after the little bird so I am marrying him one day. Monty said he would keep all the birdies safe from now on so the cats can’t get them. He loves all the little birds so does not want them to get catched.
Monty Big Chin
When Monty was snoring I did use the iPaddy to take photos of him. Monty says I am all never allowed to use it because I has no ICT skills but I have been taking good photos of Monty and he is all handsomeness. I think he will be all pleased when he sees how clever I am with taking photos of him.
Today we is visiting Big Rabbit in the pm so I has to make myself look beautiful.
Chicken xxx
Greyhounds In Charge 